topic whats next? in Relationship and family issues

whats next?

persistence — Tue, 03 Nov 2015 03:59:33 GMT

just joined online forum and most afraid of being judged online but feel I have nowhere else to turn.

My husband has caught me cheating twice with the same person.The second time was different as I have been trying to distance myself from this person for over a year with no success.I have since filed a police report and left my job in order to make my marriage work.My husband is not sure he can give me another chance and I feel I have no support from my family as they are very traditional and would never ever accept what I have done.

Am struggling with how to live one day at a time after having a full time job for 15years and do not want to leave the house (especially without my husband)

whats next?

Paul — Tue, 03 Nov 2015 05:47:54 GMT

Hey Persistence - Hugs. Welcome to Beyond Blue forums.

Bit of a sticky situation 😞

Have you worked out what led you to stray in the first place?

Have you thought about visiting a counsellor with your husband? Maybe that will help with a fresh start. The fresh start might then lead to feeling a bit better about leaving work.

Paul

whats next?

persistence — Wed, 04 Nov 2015 04:52:52 GMT

Thank you Paul

counselling has helped me to appreciate my marriage a lot more hence why I had been trying to get away from the other guy.My husband is a very proud man and refuses counselling at the moment.

trying very hard to appreciate my time at home and attempting to embrace my new circumstances.

hoping my husband will stay with me.

whats next?

Paul — Wed, 04 Nov 2015 11:31:56 GMT

Hi Persistence,

Nice to hear back from you. Sounds like you are doing everything you can to put things back on track. How do you feel things are going with it?

Paul

whats next?

persistence — Wed, 04 Nov 2015 23:38:10 GMT

Paul

honestly,I'm not quite sure.

I am trying to be a housewife which is something new to me.Is staying home cooking meals for him enough to win back his "trust"?

we seem to be getting on but not enough for him to lay next to me in bed.

still very unsure.

whats next?

Paul — Thu, 05 Nov 2015 01:26:07 GMT

Hey Persistence,

If the tables were turned, how would he win back your trust?

Paul

whats next?

persistence — Thu, 05 Nov 2015 09:55:25 GMT

I really don't know what I would do..all I know is that I wouldn't let 10years of marriage go that easy..I've learnt that the hard way.

so we just had another blow up and more disappointed colleagues and manager about the way I left work.

there has not been one day in the last 2weeks where my heart is not breaking!!

whats next???

whats next?

Paul — Thu, 05 Nov 2015 11:18:21 GMT

Hey Persistence,

What was the blowup about?

whats next?

persistence — Fri, 06 Nov 2015 23:37:53 GMT

The normal..not sure if he can trust me again..people blaming him for me leaving work..

not sure how much more I can take!!

whats next?

Paul — Sat, 07 Nov 2015 10:50:21 GMT

Hey persistence,

Sorry to hear that things are getting tough 😞

What do you think your husband needs to be able to trust you again?

Paul

whats next?

pipsy — Sun, 08 Nov 2015 06:53:45 GMT

Hi Persistence. The last thing I would ever do is 'judge' you. You are doing that yourself. By continuing to let your hubby 'call the shots' i.e not sleeping with you, you doing all in your power to make up for past mistakes. You are becoming a 'battered' wife. How long is the 'punishment' going to last? You don't mention what caused you to 'stray' and I'm not going to ask you. When a spouse 'strays' it's usually because another person gets them when they're most vulnerable. You said you cheated twice, you must have been feeling very unloved and possibly ignored for that to happen. There's no individual reason why we stray, it's usually a multitude of reasons. If you love your hubby and he loves you, you're proving it by changing jobs, filing a police report against this person, doing everything you can to put distance between you and this person. What's hubby doing to prove he can trust you? What more do you have to do, yourself? Love and trust go two ways. You cheated, twice, what did hubby do to try and stop you. Did he show you love and support when you needed it? Was he 'there' for you when you needed him? When a marriage breaks down, there's always 3 sides to the story, hers, his and the truth. I think you're doing everything in your power to save your marriage. It's time hubby did his bit too. Let the past mistakes go, hanging onto hate, distrust etc, is counter-productive and if it continues, you might be tempted again. I know he's hurting, but so are you. You need each other for strength and emotional support. You've made it clear you only want him, what more does he want?

Sorry if I sound harsh, not intended.

whats next?

persistence — Mon, 09 Nov 2015 01:42:48 GMT

thankyou

you did not sound harsh at all..if anything you have given me some hope in thinking that I am not totally to blame.

Having said that my husband is a very proud man and will not seek help for himself and our marriage.Therefore I believe that it is just going to be a waiting game for myself in seeing if he can stay with me..but..how long do I wait?.. what else can I do?

Giving up on my marriage is not an option for myself or those around me! (my mum will have a nervous breakdown).

whats next?

pipsy — Mon, 09 Nov 2015 02:02:14 GMT

Hi there. Glad to hear I gave you some hope. Don't 'walk away' from your marriage, I wouldn't say anything to other family members either (I mean your mum). It's not really her business what happens between you and hubby. You say your hubby is proud, he's allowing his pride to get in the way of forgiveness. I would have a talk with your husband, maybe suggest going away for a while to see if you can recapture what you had. You said you were prepared to wait to see if he was prepared to stay with you. You still seem to be judging yourself extremely harshly. You've tried EVERYTHING. The boot really is on the other foot now. I get the impression, he's waiting for you to 'fall' again. Having an affair was a mistake, but hubby's treatment is hardly fair, either. As I suggested see how hubby would feel about a trip away.