topic Dark Places in Relationship and family issues

Dark Places

H2OMAN — Mon, 28 Mar 2022 06:17:39 GMT

Hi Any and All,

Not sure where to start, maybe at the present, a place of loneliness, darkness and despair. An anguish that engulfs me every day and night and disables me completely. I can not think, I can not function, I can not sleep, and I am completely abandoned, alone and without any resources. Crippled by anxiety and in a place of deep, deep sadness all of the time, at 56 I never thought I would be in this place

To give some context would take far too long, so I will summarise.

In the last 18 months:

Parents in law reneged on a house purchase from them which lost us 25 years of hard work and approx. $400k.

Daughters marriage fell apart.

Major client went broke and lost nearly $100k which has essentially sunk my business.

Found out my wife had an affair 32 years ago and lied to me when I tried to discuss the matter with her.

All of which has caused me significant anxiety and depression.

Then to top things off my wife left 14 months ago and the family sided with her based on lies, false accusations and claims against me.

I have tried for the last 14 months to deal with these things, to initiate counselling and mediation, to encourage contact with my 4 adult kids, but I have been marginalised and pushed aside with little to no contact.

I did everything I could to reconcile things and shield people from difficulties between my wife and I, especially my daughter who was totally reliant on my wife for support during her separation. I bit my tongue and waited until she was in a better place before addressing my difficulties and the wife's behaviour so that it would not affect my daughter.

Only to have everything distorted and be blamed for everyone elses problems and difficulties with no voice given to me, no right of reply, no consideration, and essentially abandoned.

And now the wife has locked up all of our finances, I have little to no access to funds as she has hidden them and changed passwords etc. Yet am lumbered with credit card bills that I am expected to pay as well as service the property mortgage etc.

In addition to this and the limited contact and interaction since they left the wife is now demanding that I move out of the property so that they can move back in to ready the property for sale.

I'm absolutely heartbroken, I'm broken, broke and abandoned with little capacity to cope or to find a way forward. I can't afford legal advice and don't have anywhere to turn for help.

I would appreciate any advice on what to do next.

Thanks

Dark Places

Sophie_M — Mon, 28 Mar 2022 07:52:24 GMT

Hi H2OMAN,

Thank you for being brave with your post. The frustration and hurt you are enduring is obvious, and we want to reach out to you to ensure you know to reach out to us if you need to.

I also want to remind you of mensline 1300 78 99 78, who can be genuinely supportive in these matters, and in the emotional hurt that arises from it.

It does sound like reaching out to your local LegalAid team - call the LawAcess line to get started: 1300 888 529. They can also let you know where you the team closes to you is located.

In the meantime, please stay in touch for support, here with your peers, and with us on 1300 22 4636.

Stay safe, and stay in contact.

Regards,

Sophie M.

Dark Places

Sea_Turtle — Mon, 28 Mar 2022 08:23:09 GMT

Hi H20MAN

I am just a newbie hear, so I hope someone else posts as well. I am 21 so can’t say I have your life experience but I can see why your feeling down.I have had Depression, and didn’t talk to my mum for a while.
It sounds like all this stuff is really getting you down, and I think I would feel the same, it sounds like a lot!

Communication with my Mum became really hard for over a year I didn’t think she understood me at all. But I found that it worked For us to keep in contact, it turns out she was confused and scared about what was going to happen and when my mum gets anxious she seems irritated and angry. I would approach your daughter with understanding and listen, you could try to talk about other things to get things started. It so hard to feel isolated from family.

Maybe you could connect else where, like park run if you have that in your area. Just to see people and get out.

Don’t be worried about seeking help from services too. It’s sounds like a hard while you’ve been going through, everyone deserves support!

I don’t know about financial problems so I can only send my support.

sending good wishes Sea_Turtle

Dark Places

H2OMAN — Mon, 28 Mar 2022 12:59:24 GMT

Thanks Sophie appreciate the recommendation. Will contact them tomorrow.

Have used men's help line and also seeing a counsellor. Unfortunately every piece of professional advice I have been given and followed is being seen as me acting with sinister intent towards others. Not saying advice was wrong, just absolutely bewildered at the outcome when trying to resolve things with logic, reason, kindness and at the same time sensitivity to difficulties of others, yet not being given the same considerations?

Thanks Again

Dark Places

Petal22 — Mon, 28 Mar 2022 13:03:04 GMT

Hi H20MAN,

Wellcome to our forums!

Im sorry you are feeling this way.

Have you seeked professional help for the way you are feeling?

A good place to start is your gp , explain to your gp how you are feeling.

I’m sorry for what has happened with your wife I understand this would be hard on you.

In regards to not being able to afford legal help …………
Have you tried legal aid? You usually don’t have to pay….

You need to fight back!

Apply for legal aid and just because your wife is demanding you to move out of the property doesn’t mean you have to…… stand your ground and defy her …….. legally……

You can come back from this your not defeated your still standing….. believe in yourself.

One day the day will come that the truth will be understood by many…….. the day will come.

Dark Places

H2OMAN — Mon, 28 Mar 2022 13:15:47 GMT

Thanks for your concern and Sea Turtle and hope you are in a better place with your family now.

As far as connecting elsewhere? I have tried everything from special occasions through to general texting to cut through the difficulties, none have worked.

They do what they feel obligated to in acknowledging me on my birthday, or catching up for an hour at Christmas, but beyond that they actively ignore any interaction or discussion.

Having the woman I love and was married to for more than 30 years decide to leave was difficult and heartbreaking. Having her take everyone with her and to see my four children's hearts set against me without allowing any form of real mediation or discussion is beyond heartbreak. To see them make judgement of me and ignore what I have demonstrated myself to be for over 35 years is bewildering?

I am let in a place of solitude almost 24/7, I work alone, I live alone, I eat alone, I sleep alone, I exist alone. My life revolved around my family to the exclusion of having any friends or others in my life, my two best mates where my wife's brothers, neither of whom have contacted me or wanted to discuss anything. Besides how do you tell your wife's family that she cheated on you?

So I have existed in a place of deep despair, anguish, and solitude for the last 16 months since this happened.

I have tried to build new friendships, and yes that has been somewhat successful, but it does not fill the gap of the loss of all of your family through misunderstanding and rejection.

Anyway, thanks again for your thoughts and suggestions, and I hope you find resolution to your difficulties as well.

Dark Places

H2OMAN — Mon, 28 Mar 2022 13:31:29 GMT

Hi Petal,

Thanks for your suggestions, I can hear from the tone of your writing that you have a fair amount of insight into these matters.

Yes I have a counsellor, he is very good.

He has also seen pretty much all of my family regarding these matters and is somewhat perplexed by it.

I do know I need to stand strong and have resolve, but in doing so that has set my family and especially my children against me even more.

They perceive that she is somehow a victim in all of this because they have no insight to her actions that caused me the most difficulty and upset.

Instead that is now being used against me to skew my children's perspective of events and ultimately me, against which I am given no voice, no opportunity to clarify or discuss events, and absolutely no consideration for any difficulties it has caused me.

In some ways I am a victim of my own making, I withheld telling them because of the difficulty it would cause my daughter who needed the emotional support of her mother at that very same time.

Ever since I have withheld telling them because I was trying to work towards reconciliation with my wife, and I didn't want that process muddied with these matters extending through the family.

But reconciliation is not happening, and in the time I have given to shield people from these matters they have now shunned me and do not want to discuss anything. Instead I am the monster who wont move out and am causing them all distress and anxiety about where they will live?

I have offered solutions for them to return and for me to sleep in my van or the shed if that makes them feel easier, but even that is unacceptable.

Too many layers and too many complications to explain here, but again thanks for your advice, encouragement and reply.

Dark Places

H2OMAN — Mon, 28 Mar 2022 13:32:58 GMT

This resonated very strongly with me:

"One day the day will come that the truth will be understood by many…….. the day will come."

Dark Places

therising — Mon, 28 Mar 2022 21:45:52 GMT

Hi H20MAN

I feel for you so much, given all that you've been through. It all sounds so incredibly heartbreaking and frustrating.

It sounds like you've pretty much always taken responsibility for carefully managing other people's emotions. Such management, as you would know, can get pretty exhausting and can, at times, lead to self neglect. It sounds like you've neglected your own feelings time and time again. This can become so incredibly depressing. I feel for you.

One of the things I've discovered over the years - Every time a significant challenge comes in, it's leading me to have a new aspect of myself come to life. A couple of examples, 'The dictator' may come to life dictating 'These people should be taking responsibility for their irresponsible actions, in this case'. 'The intolerant' sense of self may come to life, no longer leading me to tolerate what I shouldn't be tolerating in the first place. I think, at times, when certain aspects of us suddenly come to life, they can be born out of a kind of fury that can be liberating in a way and perhaps a little out of control on occasion. I'm a gal who when pushed and pushed to exercise extreme tolerance time and time again will suddenly have the intolerant ranting maniac in me come to life, which can sound a little like yelling the words 'I'm done with this! I'm over it. You need to get your act together!'. While I acknowledge I shouldn't let things get to this point, it's hard when you're so used to channeling 'the people pleaser' in you.

If you brought 'the strategist' in you to life, what would the strategist in you advise? Could it be 'Don't move out. Use the house as a bargaining chip, in order to get what you need in the way of moving forward. Don't leave yourself with nothing to bargain with'? Is it time to start bringing out the big guns, 'The strategist', the intolerant sense of self that won't put up with injustice, the responsible sense of self that dictates other people should also be exercising responsibility? So as to not to go to the other extreme, balance is key. If you were to exercise bringing 'the dictator' to life more often, you could practice dictating firmly, not brutally. I suppose an example may be 'This separation's not all on your terms. We will negotiate until we're both satisfied. I refuse to tolerate anything less!'.

Can be incredibly challenging bringing new parts of us to life, especially when we've never met with them before.

Take good care of yourself.

Dark Places

H2OMAN — Tue, 29 Mar 2022 01:31:15 GMT

Thanks therising, appreciate your insight and perceptions.

I think you have read me well, I kind of touched on this in one comment where I stated I was a victim of my own design.

I've always been the support structure, the one who shouldered the responsibility for everything, the backstop. I have supported my wife and kids through everything they have ever encountered, especially my wife who has been very unwell with Crohn's disease for 20 plus years.

So in doing that everyone has become used to that dynamic, they are used to me not expressing my own needs, frustrations, even wants and desires because I have always sacrificed me for them.

Then when I become emotionally overwhelmed by all of theses events and distraught to them it becomes not just unacceptable, but intolerable to the place where now anything that I do, even making positive lifestyle choices to deal with my difficulties in place of turning to negative coping mechanisms is perceived as selfish, as neglect, as irresponsible and even as a form of abuse towards them.

So in that regard I am a victim of my own design, even in the losses encountered because I have and still do trust and believe for the best in people.

I implicitly trusted the parents in law financially, and I got burned.

I implicitly trusted my wife emotionally, and I got betrayed and lied to.

I implicitly trusted the people that I showed love and care to reciprocate when I needed them, and I got disowned and rejected, not because I necessarily did anything specific to them, but because my difficulties, my needs, and their mothers disposition of coldness and resentment towards me changed their perception of me.

I understand my part at enabling this outcome even though my intent was to trust, to protect and to resolve. I have become a victim of my own design that conditioned not just others but myself over decades.

I understand all of this, but what I do not understand is how to deal with the dark places this puts you in? I don't understand the rejection? I don't understand the resentments? I don't understand the perceptions derived from only one perspective and being denied a voice or a right to be heard? I don't understand the actions taken to marginalise me and to cause further difficulties when if people only just came to talk to me they could understand?

And I don't understand how to deal with the emotional turmoil, loneliness and anguish I encounter all of the time?

To me that is the most difficult part.

Thanks again.

Dark Places

Petal22 — Tue, 29 Mar 2022 03:20:21 GMT

Hi H20MAN,

Your not alone, yes I do have a bit of insight into these matters……… its so unfair what is happening to you.

I understand the inner turmoil and anguish it must be difficult for you to try to understand why you are being treated this way.

One piece of advice I will give you is try not to understand it because it really doesn’t deserve your time.

Instead of giving this your time and energy….. “ trying to understand “ …….. try to give yourself attention. In that I mean build yourself up, you know the person you are and you don’t need anyone else to validate that.

I understand that your children have been given your wife’s perceptions and they have taken that as fact which I understand would be difficult for you.

One day your children will learn that their Mums perceptions were her reality and didn’t have to be their reality… your children will one day realise that they are their own person and can make their own choices.

For the time being just do you…. But look after you.

Get out of the house every day, join a sporting group and go and visit and talk to your family the ones who support you.

Keep building your self up and this starts in you mind……. Tell you Positive things and stay true to you.

I understand the darkness is hard but seek the light and you will find it 🙏

Dark Places

H2OMAN — Tue, 29 Mar 2022 10:27:03 GMT

Thanks Petal22,

Had a delightful surprise today when my second eldest son came over.

No resentment, no judgement, just hanging and doing a few jobs around the house. Not even a lot of conversation bar the usual catchup. But wow, how big a difference it makes in your world when even one person you love is present even for only a few hours.

It was the pick me up that I desperately needed. The mood scale went from dark and depressed to almost elated but moderated so I didn't overwhelm him.

I am doing "me", surfing, stopping taking on responsibilities that I have conditioned myself to carry and resolve. Taken time out from working and finding new friends and social circles in place of family.

I am blessed in many ways with one very good friend and also a brother, but I try to not rant on about my situation too much as it is becoming obsessive almost. Hard to do when it occupies your heart and mind 24/7.

My surf buddies are awesome, telling me similar stuff to what you have suggested, and I can draw from their collective wisdom and experience of having been through similar themselves.

But the hardest part is working from home, living alone, and returning home. That's when the darkness returns, surrounded by silence and memories that drag me into a downward spiral.

I've been listening to a public speaker . Very simple quote he made which resonated with me was to have a plan, it may be the worst plan in the world but at least it's a plan. You can improve it, change it, develop it as you go, but at least you have a plan.

So selling the property and starting fresh is my plan, not well thought out, not entirely sure what's next, but I know I need to move forward in place of sitting in "Dark Places".

However, that is sometime easier said than done.

Thanks again.

Dark Places

therising — Tue, 29 Mar 2022 19:15:12 GMT

Hi H2OMAN

So glad you're able to feel a positive difference through your son, your friends, your brother, your surfing etc. Personally, I wish someone had have educated me on 'feelings' long ago. Only been in the last year or so that I've come to understand what 'Feeling your way through life' actually means. You can feel the people who depress you, feel the people who raise you, the ones who stress you out, the ones that are neutral (don't lead you to feel down or up) and so on. You can feel what's wearing you down and feel what inspires you. You can feel your own energy levels, when you need a charge up in one way or another and when you're too hyperactive. You can feel your internal dialogue/thoughts and imagination, whether they're taking you to a dark place (down feeling) where you're not meant to be heading or whether they're taking you to a place of pure brilliance (up feeling). There is so much to feel.

So glad you've got a plan. All great plans appear vague when they're coming into focus. With a plan that holds potential, greater clarity can come through identifying the stepping stones toward the goal. It's the stepping stones in between that can lead us to the feeling of making progress. Having great guides in helping construct a plan can be key. Sounds like your friend and brother could be constructive people when it comes to helping with clear goal setting and those stepping stones (the finer details). If you're feeling lost at any point, do you think they'd be able to help trigger your imagination, internal imagery/vision?

Not sure if it would make some positive difference but do you think if you began to check out places to buy, get a feel for the right one, that this would lead you to look forward to the constructive changes to come? You mention how the house you're in leads you to feel darkness. Can you think of any music that would drown out the silence? Anything that comes to mind? You may need to turn up the volume to really feel it.

Someone once told me that when you begin to take better care of yourself (serve your self more) people will begin to leave your life, as a consequence. I've found this to be so true. Those you no longer serve in every way they're accustomed to will not be able to tolerate your lack of service to them. This leaves room for others to come in. Eventually, our close circle becomes one filled with people who raise us. Can be a painful process and sometimes depressing. Letting go can be so hard.

Dark Places

Petal22 — Wed, 30 Mar 2022 03:45:21 GMT

That’s ok H20MAN,

Thats great that you saw your second eldest son I can feel the happiness and love through your writing.

I think that doing you is great…. Stick with it and build yourself up…….. ( in your mind)….

You sound like you have some great support in you best friend and brother………

I understand that you work from home….. do you think this can be changed?

I understand that living alone and having the memories around you would be difficult…..

Would you consider having someone move in with you for the company?

I understand that you have made a plan to sell the property…… if you do this please talk to legal aide first because you too need the finances from the sale to support yourself and life.

It is good to set a plan, with plans only make one……. Never set a plan B

Keep focused on plan A so you put all of your attention to that plan……….. and keep building and striving to accomplish it. 💪