topic Im so confused by what hes doing in Relationship and family issues

Im so confused by what hes doing

lilly07 — Thu, 15 Oct 2015 12:19:42 GMT

Hello . I really hope someone will be able to help me. Ive been dating a great guy for about 8 months. He has clinical depression and anxiety. His way of coping is to cut me off for a few days ,when hes ready he gets back in touch and we have got back on track .On monday he said he wanted to try living together, he said if i didnt want the same ,he wanted to finish our relationship. I do love this man and said i was open to this move forward. He told me for the first time that he loved me. He was going to come round tomorrow to talk about our future. I sent him a txt today saying "thankyou for loving me , i love you too". He messaged me several hours later saying he didnt love me and could only now offer friendship. I know he has trust issues with women because of a 30year marriage that came to an end a couple of years ago.His ex wife left him for someone he knew. I dont know what to do, my heart is breaking . Hes told me to leave him alone.

Im so confused by what hes doing

Gruffudd — Thu, 15 Oct 2015 13:55:55 GMT

Hi there,

To answer the question first, I'd say, I don't know. He might be speaking from a place of feeling sad and caught up in those worries that come out of the old relationships. When I've done that, checking in and reassurance doesn't go astray. I wonder if he wants a relationship but it seems overwhelming when it is real. Best thing might be to talk and see where that goes, there is nothing like a supportive friend. He sounds like he is a lucky man to have had you there for him.

Im so confused by what hes doing

Upsy — Thu, 15 Oct 2015 14:07:35 GMT

Hey there lilly07

it saddens me to read your struggle in your relationship! If I may say I've been in your situation for the past two and half years in a relationship that makes me happy most of the time but saddens me more often than not of late. I love my girlfriend til death do us part but am always left confused when I return to work (fifo) after the third day I can predict her mood change and sure enough I get messages of hate and don't bother coming home,I don't love you, I hate you and other stuff as such that bothers me to think about it!! I've asked her to seek help for anxiety and depression because all the signs are there and it leaves me with so much hurt and remorse because I'm the one that cops it all because again she won't speak to anyone!! I suffer in silence when I'm spoken to or read messages of such nature! Deep down Lilly I know it's not the person I fell in love with doin this to me but if I can offer at least a little guidance in your path is to stay positive and healthy and ask him to seek advice or help as its hurting you and he might not know this , I don't know the bloke but you in your self need to be happy and not worrying about where he is on the days of no contact or what he's up to!! If he really loves you Lilly he will get help and work through it with you, if he doesn't then more fool him cause I'm sure there is someone else out there that would love to share a life with you... Sorry if I've wasted your time reading this as its my secret way of venting my thoughts and feelings and in heinsite I guess I'm stuck too...........

Im so confused by what hes doing

geoff — Thu, 15 Oct 2015 18:26:13 GMT

dear Lilly, the board has had many comments about this, but this doesn't mean at all that it's not an important topic to discuss, because for you it's very upsetting.

When someone has depression, then this illness has the ability to change someone's mind 'at the flick of a coin', as one moment they tell you and reflect that they do love you, but then suddenly they change their mind and renege on what they had previously said, so to the person suffering this change doesn't mean a lot, it's just part of this terrible disease, however to the other person this change can be very upsetting and find it very difficult to understand let alone cope with it.

For a depressed person to say 'I love you', could mean that they need you or want you to be there for them, because it puts that romantic word into a different meaning, but deep down they may love you but can't express it as they normally would if not depressed.

So there's a balance between helping and supporting the person through this terrible journey until they overcome their depression, or give up and move on, and either of these decisions are never easy to choice from. L Geoff. x

Im so confused by what hes doing

lilly07 — Fri, 16 Oct 2015 00:04:35 GMT

Hi Geoff. Thank you for your reply. I think you're right , in the way my guy seems to be looking for a friend not a girlfriend at this point in time. The thing is do I wait for him to contact me or contact him in a few days. He's asked me to leave him alone this time. I don't want to pressure him . He still has me as a friend on Facebook and as yet hasn't removed me as his partner on there. He is a person that does share his personal depression and thoughts on Facebook. In the past it's been a guide for me to know when to make contact again , if he doesn't do it first. This time it's different.

Im so confused by what hes doing

lilly07 — Fri, 16 Oct 2015 00:09:39 GMT

Thank you for your reply Gruffudd. If after a couple of days I haven't heard from him , I usually do contact him. This time it's different . He's told me to leave him alone. So I don't know whether to make contact in a few days or not. The last thing I want to do is push him further away.

Im so confused by what hes doing

lilly07 — Fri, 16 Oct 2015 00:12:42 GMT

Thank you for your reply Upsy. I really hope things work out for you and your lady .

Im so confused by what hes doing

geoff — Fri, 16 Oct 2015 02:08:30 GMT

dear Lilly, thanks for getting back.

There's a question I want to ask you and please this is a site where you can reply or not, there is no pressure at all, however does he use facebook on a daily basis posting comments or replying to someone on a constant basis, to other girls who maybe just friends who he talks to or is it to other guys.

If he does reply to other girls constantly then why does he contact you, so I'm not really sure where you stand 'in the line', and by the way he has been behaving as though you aren't rea;;y his girlfriend but someone just to contact when he feels about it.

I'm not discarding that he may love you and I realise that he may have depression, but as you have posted the comment I am obliged to reply to you.

It just makes me wonder, and I think that you are craving for someone to love and not when he wants to contact you, and by saying this I mean no harm to him, but love is love. L Geoff. x

Im so confused by what hes doing

lilly07 — Fri, 16 Oct 2015 04:33:08 GMT

Hi Geoff. He has maybe 20 friends on Facebook. Mainly family and a few close friends (couples) . He doesn't usually comment on posts other then mine. He really uses it to share his journey with depression. He said it helps him to share stuff. I understand where you're coming from but I've never had cause to not trust him . He's told me I'm the only woman he's seeing . I believe this to be true .

Im so confused by what hes doing

JessF — Fri, 16 Oct 2015 04:47:08 GMT

lilly07 said:
On monday he said he wanted to try living together, he said if i didnt want the same ,he wanted to finish our relationship.

Alarm bells for me with this bit. It sounds very controlling, threatening to end a relationship if you don't agree to his demands.

Im so confused by what hes doing

lilly07 — Fri, 16 Oct 2015 05:31:07 GMT

Hello JessF. Yes I agree. He has told me that a couple of his close friends have told him in the past with his ex wife he has issues with being controlling. I've thought that maybe it was to do with his depression. To keep control.

Im so confused by what hes doing

pipsy — Fri, 16 Oct 2015 11:15:38 GMT

Hi there, lilly. I can't help but agree with Jess on this one. He sounds as though it's his way or the highway. He has past issues with an ex. If you were to live with him, and you have a disagreement, does he 'walk out' because he thinks he's not getting his own way? Alarm bells are really clanging on this. It could be as Jess said, depression makes him have to be in charge. He says he wants to live with you, then reneges, I would stay exactly as you are. Be friends (if you want to), but keep your options open. He's unstable and needs help. You are too close to be objective. When someone goes to counselling, the counsellor can help them decide because they're not emotionally involved. You're emotionally involved and don't want to say or do anything to hurt him, that's completely understandable. I'm not trying to upset you, please don't be offended. Suggest in as nice a way as possible, that you both 'step back' till he's sure about what he wants. Don't be so eager to 'fall in' with whatever he wants to do just to please him. You have feelings too.

You need to be with people who understand what you're feeling so you won't feel 'left out'. Whatever happens, I hope it's right for you and him.

Im so confused by what hes doing

lilly07 — Fri, 16 Oct 2015 18:47:12 GMT

Thank you so much , Pipsy. Your words have helped me make a decision in the direction i want to take.

Im so confused by what hes doing

Jazzie52 — Fri, 16 Oct 2015 19:27:53 GMT

I'd respect his wishes and leave him be- I have no doubt he'll be back. When depressed making decisions is near nigh impossible- he needs time and friendship first I believe. And don't take the burden of his depression on your shoulders- sure you can listen and empathize- but don't listen to self pity or pull him up on it- it's the most soul destroying thing to be in that "poor me" cycle. He has a clinical illness that has many different treatment options. Before a serious relationship the depression should be well under control. My thoughts as a 20 year sufferer of depression- now well controlled. Blessings.

Im so confused by what hes doing

geoff — Fri, 16 Oct 2015 19:30:03 GMT

dear Lilly, I have to agree with Jess and Pipsy, because if he is controlling now, I can only imagine what he would be like if say you were married or lived together permanently.

Usually when someone is depressed they wouldn't even have the strength to be controlling or couldn't even be bothered. L Geoff. x

Im so confused by what hes doing

lilly07 — Sat, 17 Oct 2015 02:14:38 GMT

Thank you to everyone who replied to this post for me. I have this morning had a text from him asking me for space so he can sort out what he wants in his life. So I will step back and take this time to think about what I want and need in my life too. x