topic Wife, partner and mother of my kids is an alcoholic in Relationship and family issues

Wife, partner and mother of my kids is an alcoholic

emdan — Sun, 19 Apr 2015 11:45:09 GMT

I thought I'd write this, to reach out, and also maybe someone else has similar issues that this might help.

My wife and I are early 40's, and we have two beautiful little kids, in many ways our life is pretty damn good. Except my wife has a major alcohol addiction and has been struggling for years to get it under control, and we're not there yet.

Alcoholism is one of the trickiest beasts I've ever come across, it's something thats accepted by Aussie society, almost jokingly in the media, yet its soul destroying for the victims... both her, me, our family, and everyone around. It's almost a true definition of 'evil'.

My kids are still too young to realise what's going on with mum.. which breaks your heart that one day they will realise that things are not right.

She puts the kids at risk, drinking during the day, and driving them to activities. Some days I wish she would be stopped by the booze bus.. but it hasn't happened. You wonder if she doesn't wish she be stopped as well, surely she knows its only a matter of time. If she is stopped, her "perfect" life will fall apart, she'll lose her job as well.

I know she struggles with her head, the thoughts, the anxiety.. like we all do.. but she reaches for the bottle as a solution.. which is really a terrible solution.

I wonder if alcoholism isn't just a kind of slow suicide... the alcoholic knows its killing them, but they keep going.

I feel like a husband, a father, a provider, and also a carer for a very sick person, who doesn't realise how sick they are, doesn't appreciate the care they receive, and will keep on getting worse.

The person I married was not like this, so it's a loss as well. A loss of the person I married, the family we started, the future we had planned... all too a crap bottle of cheap vodka.

In the meanwhile, I'll keep turning up, keep caring, keep hoping, for the kids...

Wife, partner and mother of my kids is an alcoholic

white knight — Mon, 20 Apr 2015 05:05:11 GMT

Hi emdan

I'll be blunt. You are not caring for your childrens welfare if you are aware your wife drinks alcohol then drives them to activities.

In your situation I'm sad to say, I would organise with the local police to intercept her on a day you ring them to let them know she is picking up the kids following a drinking day.

Sorry if this seems like betrayal, it is, backstabbing, it is, safety for my priceless children and the safety of other kids and parents, it is.

Then access to alcohol is more limited. She will need to rely on you to go booze buying and that might not be when she wants it....your first arrow in your arsenal of your fight against this sickness.

Do you think this is leading towards you controlling your wife? Well it clearly is and this control is your only hope of getting your wife back the way she used to be, and the only hope of your kids keeping her at elast as she is and not becoming worse. With the hope also she will wean herself off the booze....if you take control.

The police and the DUI charge might snap her into reality but yo need more arrows for your bow. You will need to take over finances to restrict her from buying grog. How you do this is up to you - slowly or immediately following an event like that DUI charge or a doctors visit to discuss it, or an AA attendance. It will need a solid plan. Credit card access will need to be stopped. Cut them up and reapply for ones only on your name. Reduce access to computer banking etc.

I had a relationship with a woman for 10 years as a defacto and saw her drinking go from social to alcoholic. It was the sole reason we split. So I battled with it for 7 years of more. That's why I know the only answer.

Tony WK

Wife, partner and mother of my kids is an alcoholic

July — Mon, 20 Apr 2015 07:32:28 GMT

Hi emdan,

I completely agree with Tony, you cannot allow your wife to drink and drive with your children in the car and you "know" about this behaviour, its makes you just as guilty as her...sorry but true.

Above all other plans, you must stop this straight away, your children are surely far more important than alcohol or her denial of this problem.

You say your life is "pretty damn good' but it won't be if she has an accident and injures or kills your children , I work in an emergency dept and I see the results of drinking, friends killing friends, family members losing a loved one, you have a chance to prevent this and I for one would never allow anyone to drink and drive knowingly.

She can address her problem, if she wants to , but don't make your kids pay the price to, alcohol is the catalyst for many problems , I to have had an alcoholic mother, and now as an adult I do not drink alcohol, I witnessed and experienced first hand the destruction of the family .

It is an addiction, but she needs to get the help, you cannot make excuses for her or enable her behaviour, she needs you to stand strong, not prop her up.

You must also remember her driving drunk, endangers all the community and I so often see the drunk driver survives and other innocent people are killed or injured, its everyones problem not just the person driving with alcohol in their system.

You can get advice from services as well, so maybe have a look and consider your options, its not your fault she drinks, but it is a family problem you all need to fix.

Good luck and take care.

July

Wife, partner and mother of my kids is an alcoholic

geoff — Tue, 21 Apr 2015 01:01:37 GMT

dear Emdan, thanks for posting your comment, which is indeed a rather serious problem, and secondly one which I can relate to.

Both the replies from Tony and July have been spot on, because my drinking was one reason why my wife left me on numerous occasions and then divorced me, because I self medicated using alcohol because I couldn't cope with my depression and what it had done.

There's no 'beating around the bush' here, but my drinking from morning till whenever only started when my sons both had their licence, and before this I made sure that I was under the limit, because my work relied on driving, so if I lost it then I was in great trouble.

This drinking only happened in the last 2 or 3 years when it was catch 22 because my wife ostracised me and gave up trying to help me., but there's a lot more to this.

It's an addiction which is so difficult to stop, and there is medication that can stop the urge to drink, but it will only work if that person has decided to stop drinking alcohol, otherwise it won't work.

Now I only drink on a social level for four reasons; I have overcome my depression, so I have work to do which is very important for me; I get sick of the taste; I take heavy medication and I certainly don't want to have an epileptic fit and 'grand mal' fits are no fun what's so ever.

I do agree that she should lose her licence, however there maybe problems with this if she does decide to stop, and secondly if the police are there ready to caught her drinking then the fine to pay maybe enormous, so there are pro's and cons here.

I understand that the kids are top priority and their safety is of prime concern, there's no question about this, and if you tell her that she is not allowed to drive anywhere with the children this 'will fall on death ears'.

I'm almost out of characters, but want to discuss this again, as I've only talked about me and not her, so I don't think that's at all fair, so I'm terribly sorry, but hope that you can reply back. Geoff.

Wife, partner and mother of my kids is an alcoholic

jessbon — Wed, 28 Oct 2015 10:59:44 GMT

I am really sorry about your situation. Wish she could understand your concern. It could also be because she reached a stage where she needs professional help in quitting. If she puts alcohol as a priority, then I think she is badly addicted. May you should talk to her about going to a rehab. We had a family friend who was an alcoholic and her parents took her to a rehab facility. It worked for her. She is now sober for two years. Do not lose hope. If nothing is working, threaten her that you would take the kids and leave, if she doesn't mend her ways.

Wife, partner and mother of my kids is an alcoholic

Doremus — Wed, 17 Feb 2016 20:30:50 GMT

Thanks for posting. I am the father of 3 wonderful kids 8 11 and 13. My partner has a drinking problem.

She is in denial about her ability to control it. She was drinking in secret during the day while home with the kids but after many confrontations this has ceased for the time being. Once I started to involve the children in the process she began to realise that they were impacted by her behaviour. They now phone me if I am at work and things are not right at home.

She thinks she can continue to drink socially but doesn't recognise that her judgment is impaired.

I bought a breathalyser from Dick Smith which I use sparingly. It's necessary because trust is gone.

Last Sunday she picked up our daughter from an event and 'had a few drinks'. At first she said she hadn't but it's always obvious to me and the 2 older kids. I asked her if she would register zero if I were to test her. When she said no not zero I tested her. She registered 0.22!

I have taken all keys to all cars and explained that I can only allow her to drive again if an interlock is installed. They appear to be available as a voluntary service.

We continue to see a relationship counsellor which I recommend to anyone else in this situation.

The counsellor suggested that she takes the initiative to have the device installed rather than me enforcing it. She realises that she shouldn't drink and drive.

Wife, partner and mother of my kids is an alcoholic

Doremus — Wed, 17 Feb 2016 20:34:26 GMT

I think involving the police is an attempt to punish. I just took away all the car keys and explained that if anyone else had driven drunk with our kids we would never let them do it again.

Wife, partner and mother of my kids is an alcoholic

Doremus — Wed, 17 Feb 2016 20:40:05 GMT

I think threatening to leave is not possible. As a father you need to help the kids deal with the fact that their mother is an alcoholic. Otherwise they will be under the care of an alcoholic part of the time and you would have less control over the situation than if you stay

Wife, partner and mother of my kids is an alcoholic

Braz0123 — Tue, 21 Jun 2016 00:47:31 GMT

Hi all

My name is Brenden, my wife is an alcoholic in between admitting it and denial. I have kids 14 year old twin girls and a 17 year old boy.

My wife started drinking heavy in the last 5 years.

I just have this dark bottomless feeling in my chest called "lost hope"

I'm angry, scared for my kids emotional and mental well being. I consider asking her to leave daily. At the moment she is sneaking her drinks in. Lying all the time. Trust is shattered.

If I was to say how I really feel this page would be filled with expletives.

Just lost fella's

Wife, partner and mother of my kids is an alcoholic

PatT — Tue, 21 Jun 2016 01:37:01 GMT

Hi Braz0123,

Welcome to the forums and I'm so sorry that you're going through what you are mate. Good job for reaching out, you've come to the right place. Alcoholism is a god awful disease (speaking as a recovering drug addict who is quite familiar with the perils of addictions) and i'm sure you know the old adage "you can't help somebody who doesn't want to help themselves."

I was personally in denial during my whole addiction; broke relationships, wouldn't admit the breadth of my problem, lied constantly. It wasn't until I was really broken that I admitted I finally needed help and it was that act of breaking itself that saved me. Maybe asking her to leave is what she needs. Maybe she's gotten semi-comfortable in this routine and it needs to be broken by force. It's highly unlikely that she'll just wake up one morning and realise that she needs help and the lying needs to stop, it needs to be something serious to make her snap out even briefly.

Tell her she needs to leave but make it conditional - she can stay if she goes to therapy and/or AA, even rehab. I spent a couple of months in a psych hospital and it did a world of good. Whatever it is, you need to be the one to broker it or it's going to go on for who knows how long. There's also a program called Al-Anon which helps people with spouses/family members with alcoholism manage their own lives and try to break the cycle of their loved ones. I'd also advise you speaking to somebody professional if possible. This all sounds like it's dragging you down immensely and you need to be in a stable mental state both for your kids and to help your wife.

Sorry again and welcome to the forums, stick around,

Pat.

Wife, partner and mother of my kids is an alcoholic

geoff — Tue, 21 Jun 2016 19:57:22 GMT

hi Brenden, well this situation is quite critical in that if she is denial at times or even to admitting that she is an alcoholic and sneaking her alcohol in, means that she is desperate for her addiction.
I have to tell you before I continue on just like Pat has said about himself, that I was an alcoholic when I was depressed, but not any longer as I can drink socially only, because there are too many medical problems that would happen if I drank all day and in quantity, so that's out of the way.
The many discussions that the both of you would have had would only end in fighting or by her lying and that's why she sneaks it in and probably hides it away, but no one can disguise when they have been drinking, it shows by what they say or even the smell is just so obvious, and by her drinking affects what her jobs she has to do at home, aren't done.
It would be embarrassing if your twins wanted to bring friends home as well as your 17 year old, plus the fact that if she picks up the kids after school is dangerous, plus the fact that money you may have inyour wallet or the kids piggy bank will be pinched so that she can buy her grog.
Pat has mentioned a good program, Al-Anon, which would be able to help your kids talk about how they feel and what they actually want to happen and suggest that you could ring them.
Until she realises what she has then nothing else will help her, and even if she goes to alcohol rehab to dry out can only be done if that's what she really wants, unfortunately she has to decide she wants to give it away, because all the arguments you have with her will mean nothing, just create more anxiety for yourself.
5 years is a long time for you to have to put up with her drinking and your kids must be so sick of her wanting money and tired of seeing her like this.
If you tell her to leave do you know where she will go, perhaps the Salvos maybe able to help you, because all your trust with her has all gone.
I would talk to your doctor, he/she may know of somewhere she can move to but you have to look at what you and children want to happen, and if that means to move out then that's the decision you have to make.
Please keep in touch with us. Geoff.

Wife, partner and mother of my kids is an alcoholic

rcxx77 — Tue, 01 Nov 2016 01:59:31 GMT

Hello,
My name is Rebecca and I am from an Australian documentary program. I would like to speak to anyone who has an alcoholic partner or has an alcohol problem urgently. If you could provide an email, I can let you know more details of what I am hoping you can help with. Many thanks, Rebecca.

Wife, partner and mother of my kids is an alcoholic

Hzilla — Wed, 09 Nov 2016 11:12:48 GMT

Hi, reaching out for some advice as at wits end dealing with a partner that has no self control with alcohol and behavioural changes that come about because of. There have been many heart to heart chats re dealing with the issue but unfortunately it has reached a point where children are being neglected. Im away working at moment mon-fri and am lost as to which way to turn. Tonight our 3 yr old is staying with friends and I feel useless! Does anyone know of advice available in Brisbane.

Wife, partner and mother of my kids is an alcoholic

Sophie_M — Wed, 09 Nov 2016 22:50:49 GMT

Hi Hzilla, we can't give recommendations for service providers here on the forums, but you can give our support service a call on 1300 22 4636.

Wife, partner and mother of my kids is an alcoholic

pipsy — Sun, 20 Nov 2016 04:26:46 GMT

Hi emdan. You are in an awkward situation with an alcoholic wife. You've had heaps of replies some saying to report your wife as a 'drunk driver'. While I tend to agree pretty much with these replies, I'd like to add my 2 cents worth, if I may. Geoff's response indicated severe depression being the main catalyst for his alcoholism. Tony's response was to report her for drunk driving. others have mentioned getting help for her. All the above responses have been great, except for one thing, the only person who can stop being an alcoholic is the alcoholic. Threatening them with police intervention, the loss of license will not do any good. They have to want to stop. I am a recovering alcoholic. Up until a few months ago I was drinking steadily. While I never drank to 'passing out' stage, I was a danger to me and other drivers. I too made excuses, lied, these excuses were for me and about me. Earlier this year, I was diagnosed with breast cancer, this meant surgery, followed by radium. I was given the usual list of 'do's and don'ts' following the surgery. During the wait between surgery and radium I did not drink, yes, I was very tempted. I was petrified of the unknown. I had 5 weeks of intense radium, it was full-on, scary etc. While undergoing this treatment, I did not drink. Had I drank, the treatment would've stopped. Following the breast cancer/radium treatment, yes - the need for drink was still there. I didn't want to, I needed to. An extremely close male friend was willing to stand by me, he 'blasted' me for 'falling'. He told me how much I had hurt him, let him and my kids and me down. This man is himself a recovering alcoholic, so he knew where I was. This happened quite a while ago, my job now also means I can't risk drinking because I'm driving elderly people who rely on me. AA was suggested, but vetoed as it can be a bit on the religious side. I'm hoping one day to look my male friend, who has stood by me and continues to 'be there', in the eye and tell him proudly, I am permanently 'dry'. I know he is proud of me, but in order for that to be permanent, I have to be permanent too. It's not going to be easy, overnight miraculous. Your wife will turn nasty, she will make excuses, I know, I did. In the end, your wife is the only one who can make the choice.

Lynda

Wife, partner and mother of my kids is an alcoholic

Golfnut — Fri, 13 Jan 2017 22:36:39 GMT

Emdan, I really feel for you and agree that you should do everything possible to prevent your wife driving while under the influence of alcohol. I have struggled with the problem of an alcoholic wife for about 5 years now. She has tried everything to stop drinking, including two spells in rehab, long term counselling with a psychiatrist and medication to stop her drinking. There has been some short term relief but nothing has been effective in the long term. She claims that I "drive" her to drink but is completely unable to give me a rational explanation of what aspects of my behaviour cause her to drink. I have left home for brief periods and threatened to leave permanently but this doesn't stop the drinking.

My wife is a very attractive and intelligent woman who suffers from very low self esteem and self loathing. The reality is that she has a life many people would envy with frequent overseas travel, a lovely home and no financial problems. I don't understand her addiction to alcohol but it is an ever present nightmare for me. She has sometimes humiliated me in social situations because of her alcohol fuelled behaviour and these situations cause me great distress.

I feel very alone in this journey. Currently I am having a course of radiotherapy for prostate cancer and simply cannot contemplate the prospect of leaving our beautiful home and uprooting my life at this juncture. I don't even feel that I can discuss the problem with my children (from a previous marriage) because I don't want them to feel badly about my wife. I am in my mid 70's and can't see any prospect of a solution to my problem which doesn't involve a great deal of pain and financial stress.

Wife, partner and mother of my kids is an alcoholic

pipsy — Sat, 14 Jan 2017 11:46:03 GMT

Dear Golfnut. Your wife shifting blame to you for her drinking is common. I blamed everyone too. I still get urges to drink to numb the pain. I can usually control the urges by reminding myself where I am now as opposed to where I was. The inevitable 'morning after' didn't deter me. With alcoholism the urge is not because the want is so strong, it's the need for the 'high' and the euphoric feeling that alcohol stops the pain from becoming overpowering. Depression is unreal and alcohol stops the pain of the depression. The pain returns once the alcohol affect wears off (sober up) so the need for more drink to numb the pain returns. It's a vicious unrelenting illness that knows no mercy for the sufferer. It's possible your wife has an inherited alcohol addiction, I know I do. The only one who can stop your wife, is your wife. Threatening to leave will have no effect as the need for alcohol is stronger than her love for you. I have no doubt she does love you, but in order for her to abstain and get help, she has to ask. She will always be an alcoholic but if she can ask for and accept help she will start the journey towards recovery. When you say she has tried everything, until she is actually able to admit she is an alcoholic, and needs help, nothing will work. Actually admitting is ultra, I only admitted to it earlier this year, I had denied and covered up for years. She may say she has a 'drink problem', that is not admitting, that is excusing. To admit is hard, accepting help is harder, but it does get easier once you can accept. Alcoholism is an illness, treatable, but in order for the treatment to work, admitting and accepting is Step One.

Lynda

Wife, partner and mother of my kids is an alcoholic

geoff — Sat, 14 Jan 2017 17:10:42 GMT

hello Golfnut, alcohol plays such an enormous part for so many people where it will control their needs and disrupt family life, and often your friends, work mates or even family realise that you're married to an alcoholicand can restict whether or not they want to invite you a function or family gathering.
Firstly I'm very sorry that you have had to endue prostrate cancer, a disease no male would ever wish upon themselves.
Rehab barely works for many people although it gives them time to dry out, but as soon as finish their bout, it's straight back to the grog, same as with counseling, this too will only work if it is their desire to stop the grog, otherwise it's only being lectured, and normally they finish these sessions.
The medication will only work if that's what she wants to do, stop drinking, otherwise it's a wast of time and money spent, so the decision to give up has to come from her, so what ever you try and do to help her, will fall on deaf ears, and make her want to drink more.
Her low self esteem and not feeling as though she is worth anything could be the cause for her to drink, but it's catch-22 situation because she won't be able to improve any of this while she's still drinking, and the comment about her saying that she drinks is because 'you drive her to drink' is pretty lame, it's only an excuse for her to do so.
Your children would notice what she is doing and made up their own minds, but certainly realise that she is an alcoholic, so I would start talking with them and see what they want to do, whether it's now time you all left her, unfortunately there is no easy way out of this and there will be pain and some financial stress, but you're not going to be happy while she is an alcoholic. Geoff.

Wife, partner and mother of my kids is an alcoholic

Golfnut — Sun, 15 Jan 2017 09:00:31 GMT

Lynda and Geoff, thank you so much for your posts which are most helpful, particularly your comments regarding my wife blaming me for her drinking. I always felt that the blame didn't lie with me but sometimes I have had doubts and beaten myself up over her drinking, so your comments were a great comfort to me.

I think in any life crisis, you reach the point where things become so intolerable that removing oneself physically from the situation is the only way to bring some sense of calm to one's life, notwithstanding the resulting financial stress. My wife simply won't acknowledge her alcoholism and wallows in self pity for a life of misery which is entirely of her own making. She is completely blind to the consequences of separation and divorce for both our futures.

One of the things I find most distressing is that she has been in an alcohol fuelled haze from the first day of my radiotherapy and this has added significantly to the the stress my treatment causes. This neglectful behaviour would be completely out of character for her in a sober condition because, by nature, she is a very kind person. Alcoholism is a terrible disease and her drinking completely changes her persona to the extent that she becomes verbally and physically abusive. I have sometimes feared for my safety when things have been at their worst.

Wife, partner and mother of my kids is an alcoholic

pipsy — Sun, 15 Jan 2017 11:11:33 GMT

Dear Golfnut. I can't help feeling your wife actually feels extremely 'empty' in her life. By that, I mean I presume she has no children of her own, does she have siblings, anyone she can call her family. She is your wife, yes, but does she have anyone on her side of the family she can talk to. You mentioned she has a great life with travel and no limitations financially. However, I feel she may feel unfulfilled, I also believe her depression at lack of children (if she has none) could cause her to feel unfulfilled as a female. She may tell you/anyone who will listen that she never wanted children, this could be an attempt to disguise that she could have wanted them in her early life. An alcoholic drinks mainly through depression, hereditary, cover up etc. In my case it was inherited, plus depression, plus availability. Perhaps if you could try to find out something about her, this may help you, help her. None of the problems I've mentioned are your fault or hers, they just may be part of the reason she became an alcoholic to try to numb whatever caused the depression initially. Have you been married long, you mentioned this has been ongoing for the last 5 years. Did she always drink or did it begin as 'social drinking' and escalate. I feel you love her and want to help her, to do this you need to know more about her. It won't be easy, but the more you know, the more help you may be able to provide. Lynda