topic Will my depressed boyfriend return? in Relationship and family issues

Will my depressed boyfriend return?

SamD — Fri, 05 Feb 2016 23:35:55 GMT

A year ago I met my dream man. The first 5 weeks were amazing but one day he coldly dumped me.I tried to reconcile with him but he ignored my calls. A week later he apologised and said he wanted to be together. I said yes. 4 weeks later he did it again. His mum told me he has done this with all his previous girlfriends. I think he has depression. When I asked him, he said he had depression in the past but that talking about depression makes him depressed.

After repeating this heart-wrenching cycle 5 times, I said I needed to move on. 2-3 months later I heard from him again. I had just started seeing someone else but left him for my ex. I was reluctant and repeatedly expressed my fear of him leaving. He reassured me that he loved me and never would. I made him promise that as soon as he started to feel down to tell me so we could deal with it.He agreed. We then had 6 months of pure joy. We went overseas, he said he loved me every day, and we often talked about our future together. It felt different and I convinced myself he was OK and would stay. As he knew, I have many family issues. One day I went to his house in a bad mood having just received some sad news. I tried to talk to him about it but he didn’t seem to care. He fell asleep early, and feeling frustrated I drove home instead of staying over. I regretfully called him selfish. The next morning still upset by my news and his indifference, I told him I didn’t want to see him that day and that I didn’t care if I didn’t see him again. I was mad and didn’t mean it. Later, he appeared at my house and said it’s over. He said he still loves me but in a different way and wants a happy drama-free life. I apologised profusely for what I did. He acted like a totally different person - cold, with no feelings towards me.

Aside from that 1 fight, our relationship was amazing.I had no warning signs. 2 nights before he told his mum he wanted to buy a house with me and the day before everything was great. The week before he booked our flights to weddings we have this year. I think it’s the depression doing this. Since he left, I have struggled. I cry daily and feel my entire future and happiness have been ripped away from me. I will always regret how I acted that night, but maybe this was just a ticking time bomb. Past experience has told me to give him space in the hopes he will return. If he does I know we have a long path ahead. Do you think he will return, or should I move on? Perhaps he just doesn’t love me.

Will my depressed boyfriend return?

Guest_1695 — Sat, 06 Feb 2016 05:00:53 GMT

Hi SamD,

Relationships can be difficult at times. Both my husband and I suffer from depression and other mental illnesses. Our marriage has certainly not been all that easy and is sometimes very rocky. For one reason or another we have stuck together.

It seems to me that in a relationship there needs to be give and take, understanding, compromise and the ability to recognise when the other person is going through a rough time and may need support.

Wether you and this guy get back together again or not, no one will know that until it happens, or doesn't happen.

In the mean time look after yourself. Catch up with friends. Do the things that you enjoy doing. Make the most of each day in a special way, even if it is by doing one small thing for yourself.

Work out now what you really want from a relationship, from life and for yourself.

Reaching out and sharing how you are feeling here on this site is a good beginning. Maybe you might benefit from reading up on depression and how to help people suffering from it if you have not already done so.

As a person suffering from depression and stress myself, I know how up and down my emotions and feelings can be. Having a mental illness can be very difficult, so can having a relationship with a person suffering from one!

Cheers for now from Topsy

Will my depressed boyfriend return?

SamD — Sat, 06 Feb 2016 05:08:45 GMT

Thank you very much for your advice.

Will my depressed boyfriend return?

Guest_1695 — Sun, 07 Feb 2016 05:07:41 GMT

Hi SamD,

How are go getting on? It is really hard when a loved one says goodbye or tells you that the relationship is over.

It is really hard to think that you are not to blame for what has happened. Some times relationships just end, and occasionally neither person knows why that happened.

Are you still in contact with this guy? Or with his Mother? Do you think he will still attend the weddings you were going to attend together? Are you still planning to go to these?

Do you have friends whom you can share your feelings with? Sometimes friends are very understanding and helpful, other times not so much so!

Loosing a relationship is like going through the steps of grief, as it is a loss. Maybe reading up on the stages of grief might help you to understand why you are feeling as you are. Unfortunately it is normal!

In your post you mentioned the word "Regret" that is a word that can cause cancerous like thoughts to invade your mind. Hopefully you will come to a stage where you do not blame yourself for how you acted that night.

Regrets are painful. Forgiveness of self is healing and powerful

From Topsy

Will my depressed boyfriend return?

SamD — Sun, 07 Feb 2016 08:49:52 GMT

Hi.

Thank you for the follow up. I’m slowly starting to feel a
bit better but I’m still missing him like crazy. Although I have contacted him
to try and organise a few things (such as getting him his things back), he has
not contacted me at all. I have spoken to his family but they said he hasn’t contacted
them either. He cancelled all of his flights to the weddings we had planned
(but I only know this through the airline, not through him). I have decided to
take my sister with me instead.

My friends have been helpful and are trying to get me out of
the house to take my mind off it, but I’m still finding going out to be too overwhelming
and upsetting.

I can’t wait to feel happy again.

Will my depressed boyfriend return?

geoff — Sun, 07 Feb 2016 23:49:13 GMT

dear Sam, I'm sorry for this break up, but when someone has depression we can never be sure what the person who we love is
going to do, or how they perceive what type of reaction they are going to get from their loved ones, or alternatively
how they are going to be treated, so the complexity runs both ways, and it is heartbreaking, frustrating and perhaps
annoying, because is said between the two of you doesn't to be able to get through, or if it does then the chances of it
changing are highly likely, and it's no fault except for depression causing it.
Your b/friend needs some help because he just can't 'fix it' himself, it never happens that way, sure it may seem
as though it has gone away, but in reality, it's those deep seeded problems that will stay with him until he can either
work through them with a psychologist or realise that he will only be able to work around them, knowing that they won't
hurt him any more.
The answer to this none of us know about, we can predict that but that's not really going to help anybody, and not the answer we want.
Your decision to be with him if and when he returns, means that what has happened will probably happen again and again,
so it's your decision whether or not you can tolerate this behaviour, and remember depression is doing this to him,
and nothing will help him unless he decides to go and see his doctor.
It is very upsetting for you, but you also have to take into account what his mother has said about his other g/friends.
Could you please keep in touch with us. Geoff. x

Will my depressed boyfriend return?

SamD — Tue, 09 Feb 2016 09:46:24 GMT

Thank you for your response. I’ve come to accept now that I can’t force him to see a doctor and get help. I’m
going to try to move on, and hope that in the future he can work through his issues.