topic Hatred by daughter in Relationship and family issues

Hatred by daughter

glimmer_of_light — Sun, 13 Dec 2015 05:28:49 GMT

Not sure whether or not my daughter has taken drugs or still on drugs, but her personality and behaviour has dramactically changed. My husband and I have bent over backwards to encourage her, support her (especially financially wise the past year). She is 18, has just recently moved in with boyfriend whom we don't know very well at all. Tried to avoid the situation at all costs but unfortunately the law was outta our hands. One month ago after paying for and organising her 18 she suddenly has wiped me (mother), father and sister totally from her life. Does not want to see us, talk to us and has blocked my number. Leading up to this she has been saying things that were very paranoia in nature. I know for a fact that the students she hung around with were on drugs. She has portrayed some signs perhaps of either drug use (presumed no evidence) or mental health illness or both. Rumors in school grounds were circulated. For three months approx this year her skin on her face got really bad and nothing seemed to clear it. Eventually went on antibiotic/skin solution regime for approx 3 months. She always has bruising up both legs, and has distance herself from all of her friends. Didn't really seem to have many anyway. Now she says the most hurtful things without any remorse or reasoning. Is there any one out there that has any personal experience on the level whereby could shed some light. ? Ice- some of the traits kinda lead to this drug. Although was still maintaining studies at VCE level, and going to work. I'm beside myself as I think she is at risk- unfortunately nothing I can do over 18.

Hatred by daughter

pipsy — Sun, 13 Dec 2015 11:05:04 GMT

Dear glimmer of light. I'm wondering if maybe her bf could be abusing her. If she is using drugs, plus being abused, it's possible she's too embarrassed to admit she made a mistake. At 18, she probably thought (as kids do), that she 'had all the answers'. It could be, her bf is 'controlling' her. You say you don't know him at all, if her behaviour is out of character, I'd be taking as close a look as possible at him. I'm not saying he's totally to blame, but, as I said, at 18, she won't like admitting to a mistake. See what you can find out about him. Maybe talk to the school counsellor. You can make discreet enquiries, even at 18, she still needs your permission if she decides to marry him. If she tried to obtain court permission to marry, the court would want to know why she couldn't get your permission. Do you know how old he is? How did she meet him?

Sorry I can't give you more help.

Hatred by daughter

glimmer_of_light — Sun, 13 Dec 2015 21:47:42 GMT

Thanks for replying pipsy. Trying to find out as much as possible about the boyfriend. No body seems to know him or anything about him. I too think he is controlling her, have spoken to school counsellor whom she had good repore with to express my concerns for her welfare. Unfortunately confidentiality prevents me from doing anything other than that. There seems to be a real gap in system, as l have also been to headspace expressing my concerns. It seems as though no authority can intervene until she basically crashes and burns-so to speak.

Hatred by daughter

pipsy — Sun, 13 Dec 2015 22:42:51 GMT

Hi there, glimmer of light. it seems weird (to say the least) no-one seems to know the bf or anything about him. If he's at the same uni as your daughter, he must have school records. As you say, they're confidential till, 'too late'. What a shame there's no way of knowing if he has a 'record'. If he is supplying to your daughter, he possibly could be known to the police - again, as you say, confidentiality means exactly that. If she crashes/burns, unfortunately by then, it's quite often too late and you're trying to prevent that from happening. If he is isolating her, her friends might open up a bit to you, but you would have to 'win' their confidence, (no mean feat today). Is there a way you could talk to her friends on a casual basis. With teens today, it's almost 'them versus us', so you'd have to tread very carefully. Try, maybe getting in touch with her friends, ask if they've seen her, how she's doing. You're her mum, you're trying to help. I wouldn't say that last sentence to them, that was me understanding you. Just maybe ask, casually, have you seen her, how's she doing. Get their confidence by letting them know, what they tell you goes no further. Don't let on you're worried, they'll 'clam up'. Ask them how they're doing, if they're enjoying their studies. Talk to them about them, don't mention daughter. Once they relax (maybe after 2 or 3 meetings) then casually ask about daughter. Keep it low key though.

Good luck. I'm quite concerned about your daughter. I don't know her, but at 18, with an unknown bf, it is a concern.

Hatred by daughter

geoff — Sun, 13 Dec 2015 22:56:30 GMT

dear Glimmer of Light, this is something a parent dreads, our children taking to drugs and excessive alcohol use, which totally changes their entire life.

Unfortunately it's something which can be hidden behind our back, until there are signs which indicate skin, teeth problems and unusual or strange behaviour.

You are in such a difficult situation because she maybe under the control of her b/friend, where has to do what ever he wants her to do before she will get the drugs she is hooked on, this I am not sure of, nor will she tell you, so it's a catch 22 situation, and as much as you want to get her off the drugs and leave her b/friend, isn't going to be an easy job.

What does really concern me is that if she is put into rehab to stop the drugs, then that's great, but when she is released then there's a chance that she will meet up with her old friends, b/friend and be enticed into starting once again, but that's a hurdle that we can face later on.

I really don't want to have to say this, but it's very possible, but I hate having to do say it, and please I don't want to upset you by doing so, but any cash at your place should be hidden.

At what stage does the system accept someone who has burnt out or in desperate need of help, and to those concerned there doesn't seem to be an answer, because as much as you would love to drag her away, it won't help her, because she will only dig her feet in and reject you.

I really want to help you, but I don't believe I have been successful.

There are charities which know all about children on drugs, and can I suggest that you contact Anglicare, but I would dearly love to hear back from you. L Geoff. x

Hatred by daughter

glimmer_of_light — Mon, 14 Dec 2015 10:06:41 GMT

Dear Geoff, l have been to local headspace x 3 times, have spoken to someone expressing my concerns. Some of the paranoia things she has said- she supposedly carries a sharp object around with her at all times- just in case- took her bc around to fathers place- when she was talking to him- just in case he held her hostage- accused me of following her boyfriend around a store when l saw him one day in a party shop- threatened to place an intervention order on me- have no idea why. As far as money goes she doesn't have any access to our money. I was giving her some initially when she first moved out but not any more. And to Pipsy my daughter isn't at uni yet she and her boyfriend live approx 30 minute drive away fro me, they share unit together, and she has cut all her friends off from her life. She had told my other daughter when she was talking to her she hated me and hopes l end up in mental health where l belong as she new l had been crying over the whole thing.

Hatred by daughter

elizabeths90 — Wed, 16 Dec 2015 02:15:59 GMT

Dear Glimmer,

I was the exact same description of you 18 year old daughter at the same age...and younger! To give you some hope I was never on drugs, but exhibited the same traits and behaviors as your daughter. I

Hatred by daughter

elizabeths90 — Wed, 16 Dec 2015 02:29:13 GMT

Dear Glimmer - Sorry not sure what happened with my half post there!

I was the exact same description of you 18 year old daughter at the same age...and younger! To give you some hope I was never on drugs, but exhibited the same traits and behaviors as your daughter. I moved out of my family home - which was seemingly normal - into my boyfriends house 30 mins up the road. I completely isolated myself from friends and family. I rarely attended school and only just managed to scrape through. I was suffering from an abusive and manipulating partner, which sounds more like what she might be experiencing at such a young age as opposed to drugs. He was the one who subtly closed me off from friends and family. This heighten my anxiety and depression and caused me to turned further in on myself.Checking in and calling police on the partner will only drive her away more - my mother did it and i completely shut her off afterwards. Though she was doing what was in my best interest and I WISH I had listened. What Geoff has said is 100 percent correct - dragging her away or investigating into her life heavily will drive her away. I really hope that she grows out of it as I did, she will come round if you keep letting her know you love her and support her if anything goes wrong and let her know she can talk to you without judgement. They are the things I wish my mother had said and provided me with. She is very lucky to have such a caring mother. I can't imagine how it feels for you, what I put my parents through causes me the most incredible guilt. But I did get through it and we have the most incredible relationship now, there's hope for you :)xxx

Hatred by daughter

pipsy — Wed, 16 Dec 2015 04:30:47 GMT

Dear glimmer of light. I'm sorry we haven't been able to help you as much as what we hoped we would. What Geoff and elizabeths90 has said, unfortunately is true. Also at 18, in the eyes of the law, your daughter is considered old enough to 'know her own mind'. She can vote, drive a car, drink, do all the things the law has said she can. If she gets caught drink/driving or using or breaking the law in general (heaven forbid), she may call on you to 'bail her out'. This is where it gets tough. What I would suggest to you ( as I said, tough). A little bit of 'tough love', wouldn't go astray. If you are called on to 'bail her out', I would suggest firmly, yes I'll help you, but there are conditions. Outline these conditions firmly, telling her why. If she says 'no dice', as no doubt she will, walk away. I know how hard this is, she is your daughter, you love her, but she needs to know her behaviour is unacceptable. If you walk away, she's going to be hurt, throw a tantrum - let her. If you help her without restricting her, she'll carry on exactly as before. If you explain why the conditions, as I said, she will react, but walking away, will make her stop and think. Tell her you love her, unconditionally, but, she needs to know she's hurt you. If the above fails, I'm sorry, there's not much more I can suggest. I suppose a lot depends on how much of a hold her bf has over her. Quite often when a bf controls, as soon as he and gf get into trouble, the bf tends to walk away leaving gf to face the music alone. If your daughter and her bf get into trouble, this could happen. Hope not, but be ready in case it does.

Hope I haven't distressed you in any way. If I have, please accept my sincere apology.

Hatred by daughter

glimmer_of_light — Thu, 17 Dec 2015 06:28:40 GMT

Dear elizabeth's90's. Thankyou so much for your insight. I do think the boyfriend is controlling her. And l am guilty of fishing around a little, l rang a distant friend who doesn't really hang around with her or keep in touch, in a desperate attempt to shed some light. This has only made her more angry. I'm sorry l can see your side, but the trauma she is putting through is affecting not only my mental health but also my physical health. When a mother brings a child into this world, the love they have is unconditional. To have my daughter turn her back on me for no reason and say she hates me is the hardest word to hear. I just want a reason that's all. Everyone says just wait she'll come back to you. I spoke to someone the other day, it's been 5 years since her daughter hasn't spoken to her. I hope l don't have to wait that long as it will absolutely destroy me. Please keep in touch. I have found some reassurance in gaining some insight into your side of the story. Much thanks.

Hatred by daughter

pipsy — Thu, 17 Dec 2015 07:07:01 GMT

Dear glimmer of light. I'm so sorry you had the problem contacting the friend concerning your daughter. However, having said that, I'm not really surprised by this reaction. Obviously this friend, thinking she was helping your daughter, told her. It could be, that your daughter is being so 'controlled' by her bf, she's 'warned' everybody not to tell you (her mum) anything. Unfortunately, the only thing you can do now is get on with your life. Worrying and fretting about your daughter is taking it's toll on your own health. I know it's hard to accept, but until she makes contact, there's nothing you can do. She's made every effort to shut you out, she's 18, the police won't get involved unless she (or someone else) reports the bf for abuse (if he is abusing her). You say you can't understand why she's turned her back. If parents understood teens, it would be incredible. They seem to go through a period where they think bf's or gf's are the only people who understand them. Some teens mix with other teens who may not be the best people to mix with, the more the parents try to guide them, the more antagonistic they get. You possibly might not remember, but when you were growing, did you have (in your parents eyes) undesirable mates. I know I did. The more my parents tried to guide me about my so-called mates, the more I rebelled. Elizabeth90 is 100% right. I don't think your daughter hates you, as such, I think she hates the world. At 18, she's looking for a 'role model', she thinks she's found one. I feel sure she will come home when she's ready. If she knows (and I'm sure she does know) you are 'there' for her, she'll get in touch when the time's right, for her. Let her 'sow' her wild oats, pray she's safe. Just know in your heart, she can get help when she's ready to do whatever is right for her.

Hope I haven't upset you in any way. I never mean to upset anyone. Just try to let people know how hard life can be with teens or kids of any age. It's just that with kids (teens in particular), you're dealing with the 'unknown'.

Hatred by daughter

elizabeths90 — Thu, 17 Dec 2015 22:13:23 GMT

Hi Glimmer,

I really hope she comes back to you, you sound like an incredible mother and I can't imagine how that feels. I don't have children of my own yet...and the thought of losing something I don't have breaks my heart - so I can only touch of the imagination of what you feel.

My mother never got support for her self when I took off and went through my problems, so you have to look after your self in the mean time as much as you can... so that when she does turn around you can accept her no matter how long its been and continue a relationship.

It took a LOT of work to get where I am today with my mum, because I don't think she looked after her own mental health and was some what resentful of what I had done in the past - Rightly so! But a parents love should be unconditional - but that's just my personal ideals and opinions.

She's still very young, still making stupid choices and finding her way..probably has in her mind she's the adult and knows what she's doing. A controlling bf doesn't help in the slightest. They dictate everything, who you see, how you think and feel. It's horrible and you don't even realize what is happening. They will turn you against the people you love making you think they're the problem. If she can get out from under him she will come back and seek your guidance. I wish I could tell her how much better life can be away from that controller! How important family is!

I exhibited and said alllllll the same things your daughter did, I'm pretty successful now and live a really happy life. My father was very very supportive and chased after me and always let me back...I couldn't be more thankful for having him in my life. Just some positivity to keep your mind when thinking of her 🙂 Keep being the great mother you are!

Hatred by daughter

elizabeths90 — Thu, 17 Dec 2015 22:27:40 GMT

Pipsy is SPOT ON, it is so hard to swallow. You think you know it all. You have to look after your self and remain positive and emotionally open and available for your other children.

Hatred by daughter

glimmer_of_light — Fri, 18 Dec 2015 16:49:46 GMT

Dear elizabeths90's. Thankyou to both u and Pipsy for your wonderful support. I really do appreciate it. The hardest part about it all, is l feel as parents we have gone above and beyond to help her out in life. We put $7000 towards her car, has a portable study built and craned in the back yard worth $14,000 which was specifically for her year 11 and 12 studies, only used not even 10 times throughout the last 2 years and still paying off by the way. Even was willing to give up a carers allowance l get for my eldest daughter due to her having an intellectual disability (God only knows why l even considered it) only to have it backfire in my face as they declined her application, and because l was already receiving it, they too ceased my payment. I have had to take her to see specialists where we travelled over 600 kms for, take time off and pay very expensive consulting fees. This year l applied for 3 different Uni on campus accomodation, whilst going through a separation from my husband. Don't get me wrong my daughter was horrible towards us prior to this even happening. It was like walking on egg shells the whole time, the house environment was very volatile. It sounds awful to say, l want her to hurt a little, just so she knows how it feels, but that's just being childish. I think the reason why it's affecting me so much, is separation from cheating husband, lost my dog to cancer, had to put him down. And now my daughter behaving like this all in a 5 month time frame. I moved out of my own home and renting. So l am very lonely and distraught.

Hatred by daughter

pipsy — Fri, 18 Dec 2015 22:55:20 GMT

Dear glimmeroflight. I really feel for you, you've had your share, plus. I hope you're having some face-to-face counselling, as well as on here. I think now is the time you're going to have to start being selfish. You've moved Heaven on earth for a daughter who's now left. Your hubby let you down. You have to start taking care of you and your eldest daughter. If your other daughter does get in touch (and I still feel she will, in her own time), let her know, (without pressure), you love her and she's welcome, but firmly set some ground rules. While it's fine to tell them we love them (which we do), it's also not fine to let them walk all over us. If she does want to come home, explain what she's done to hurt you, she HAS to be told. I wouldn't go into detail about what you've done for her, I would just tell her, you hurt me when you shut me out. Tell her if she acts up again - she's OUT. No third chances. She may try to 'call your bluff', follow through with the threat. Even if you only lock the door overnight. Once again, sorry if this hurts, but letting her know her boundaries is important for all of you. I wouldn't say to her 'one day you'll have kids, then you'll see'. Her kids (if she has any) won't be like her or you, they'll be a whole different generation with their own problems. Every generation differs from the last. Parents can't treat their kids as they were treated. Too many parents make this mistake, it doesn't work.

Best of luck sorting this problem. Sorry to hear about your dog too, that must've hurt.

Hatred by daughter

glimmer_of_light — Sat, 19 Dec 2015 03:00:18 GMT

Dear pipsy. Thanks for your kind thoughts and words. What sort of boundaries should l set? And do l text her to tell her how much l'm hurting, cause at this stage she doesn't really care, she told my eldest daughter she hopes l end up in mental health where l belong! I'm getting a little face to face counselling, but unfortunately the demand is so full on, l wait six weeks to see her, plus l have to work around my shifts. And everybody tells me give it time, but l can't see anything changing any time soon. At this stage it feels like an eternity.

Hatred by daughter

pipsy — Sat, 19 Dec 2015 04:32:27 GMT

Hi glimmer of light. At this stage I would be more prone to caring for myself. I think I mentioned that (hopefully) your daughter will contact you eventually. Look after yourself and your other daughter, she needs you more. If you continue worrying and hurting, it will be harder to 'self heal'. As I said previously, I'm sure eventually your daughter will contact you, when this happens, either see her at a mutual meeting place (just her), then once she's ready to talk, listen to what she says. If she wants to come home, then and only then, do you set boundaries. Let her know her bf (if he's still on the scene) is not welcome. You can't stop her seeing him, if that's what she wants, but, it is your home, you set the rules. I wouldn't try to contact her yet, she's made it clear she doesn't wish to communicate. Unfortunately, you'll have to play it her way. She may never return home to live, she's 18, she may decide she's better living away from home. If that is the case, you'll have to respect that. If she wants to talk, she will contact, she knows where you are. I would ignore her comments about 'hoping you end up in mental health'. That's anger and possibly bf's influence. The more you push for reconciliation, the further you'll push her away. At the moment, concentrate on you and elder daughter. You need your strength for the one you are caring for. Everyone else has said 'give it time'. I realise everyday is an eternity, but by concentrating on your remaining daughter (who loves you), you'll find after a while, (you'll always love your youngest daughter), but she won't be so prominent in your thoughts once you start to 'heal.' emotionally.

Hope I've been some help. You probably won't notice any change, yet, you're still hurting and raw. By the time daughter does contact you, you could be a different person too.

Hatred by daughter

glimmer_of_light — Sat, 19 Dec 2015 08:36:47 GMT

Dear pipsy. I do appreciate your support. The latest take on the situation, apparently she told my eldest daughter that she is engaged. Oh my god, there goes any hope of her ever coming back to me. Can my life get any worse?

Hatred by daughter

pipsy — Sat, 19 Dec 2015 09:21:16 GMT

Hi glimmer of light. Hardly surprising, she's engaged. I'm so sorry for you, but there's nothing you can do. As I said before, try to concentrate on you and your eldest daughter. If she is in contact with her, that's good, at least she knows what's happening. At this stage, I wouldn't ask your daughter anything about her sister. Sometimes it's better not to know. Does her father know about the engagement? What does he think? I know you're apart, but he is still her father. No matter what's transpired between you two, he still loves her. Could you talk to him about your concern for her? Even if you two are not speaking, maybe your daughter has spoken to him re: you, perhaps you could ask him what he thinks about everything. If she marries, she'll want her father's blessing at least. If he won't talk to you, it might be better for you at this stage to 'let go'. For your sake both mental and physical health and well-being, start taking care of yourself. Perhaps you could suggest to your eldest daughter, she conveys your blessing to her sister. I know how you feel, this goes against what you want, but what choice do you have? If your daughter sends your blessing, your younger daughter wouldn't be expecting this. Maybe, then she might text you, that's a start. Sometimes parents have to do the 'unexpected, out of character' to 'throw' children. If she has children, you'll want to be a part of that. She thinks you're totally against the union, you are, but this would be so unexpected, you never know. If that doesn't work, nothing will. Just say, congrats, all the best to both of you. Don't mention future children, that may not be in their immediate plans.

Like you, I'm 'scratching' my head. Don't know what else to suggest, except look after yourself and daughter, please.

Hatred by daughter

glimmer_of_light — Sun, 20 Dec 2015 11:28:47 GMT

Dear pipsy. At the moment l'm using this avenue to reach out. And l Thankyou for all your input. This event in my life is traumatic and l'm not coping at all! I cry every day, and sometimes have fleeting thoughts of not wanting to feel continuous pain all the tUme- don't worry l do seek help when l need it the most but by talking to you and other people on this forum, has giving me some outlet. Thankyou for the continous support and feedback .