topic Lost, exhausted and hate life! in Relationship and family issues

Lost, exhausted and hate life!

Stuck82 — Wed, 11 May 2016 02:34:38 GMT

Hi, i hope someone can give me hope that i can be strong enough. I have been together with my husband for 15 years. Married for 10 and we have 2 beautiful boys together. I met him when i was 18 and been with him ever since. I have been depressed for a long time but finally got help last year. I see a psychologist and i am also on anti depressants. I see my doctor monthly. I feel not as cloudy on the medication but still very down. I do the jobs that i have to do and make sure my family are looked after and that's it. I do not do anything that i enjoy anymore cause i just dont care. My husband is a child, he plays computer games, drinks alcohol alot. We have been through so much in tbe past 5 years and i have finally had enough. But i don't know what i want anymore. I feel so down. I feel like i want to be on my own but then i cant see myself without my husband. I don't have Facebook or any social media connection, i don't go to any work partys, he hates me working where i work full stop, i cant even get a tattoo. Why? Cause it upsets him! He says i am an attention seeker, a liar, dumb! I don't do any of these things cause i want him to be happy and not be angry at me (even though he never is happy) people say to me to just leave but i can't cause i don't want to upset him and give up. I feel like im not being a good wife if i did. Im going crazy cause i just want to be me and not be put down or judged. But i feel like i can't leave cause i will break up my family i have wanted so much. What do i do? Im exhausted! All i think is, whats he going to feel or think about me!? He'll hate me. I don't talk to him about anything im feeling cause i don't want to argue anymore. Im tired but i feel so stuck. I want my family but i want to be on my own with my kids. I don't know what to feel anymore. I hate my life. I hate what and who i have become! I know i need to fix it but cant. Im miserable and just so down. I feel ive given everything... there is so much more to my story but it just goes on and on. Seeing my psychologist and doctor help but not to a point where i can make a decision. When will i just have enough?

Lost, exhausted and hate life!

Doolhof — Wed, 11 May 2016 04:30:55 GMT

Hi Stuck,

Welcome to the community here at Beyond Blue. Sorry to read you find yourself in a bit of a difficult situation. Relationships can be difficult at times. It can be tricky not knowing what to do.

One thing I have learned is that I can not change my husband. He is who he is, but I can change my opinions and ideas, and try to make the most out of each day.

I have thought about having a tattoo for years also. I have now decided that a tattoo might be a bit too radical for me and my situation, so I have considered a tattoo like picture to have on the wall instead.

Can you start setting some small goals for yourself that include doing things you enjoy?

Think of places you can take your boys to that the three of you will enjoy. You can invite your husband to join in too, but it might be nice to have a special outing by yourselves.

How would your husband react if you walked away from him or told him to stop when he was putting you down?

When he does that, you can tell yourself that you are a wonderful person and you are not who he says yu are.

Do you have hobbies or interests you might like to be more involved in?

You could contact Relationships Australia, they may be able to give you some advice.

Hope some of this helps.

Cheerio for now, from Mrs. Dools

Lost, exhausted and hate life!

pipsy — Wed, 11 May 2016 05:35:25 GMT

Hi Stuck82. You've been with your hubby since you were 18, I gather you never had a bf before him. It sounds as though he wants you to be what he wants, rather than accepting you want different things. Trying to please others by doing what they want inevitably makes us miserable because we end up losing our own identity. Name calling is not on, no matter who it is. Husbands insulting wives and vice versa means no respect from either party. Your husband's lack of respect for you and your feelings, points to him not being willing to support you emotionally, but you're expected to support his past time. I get the feeling you're wanting permission to leave, that is something only you know the answer to. If you left him, you believe it would mean you're not being a 'good' wife. I think you need to take care of your needs and do what you need to, to make yourself happy. He probably would be upset if you left him, the question is why? I would maybe ask him how he would feel if you were to leave, even perhaps go somewhere for a holiday, just you and the kids, if you want to. If he is not happy about you having a break, ask him what he has against you having a holiday. You deserve to be happy, being called an attention seeker, dumb, a liar etc, is making you miserable. Have a think about what you want, as opposed to his expectations of what you're supposed to be. Leaving or staying is your call, perhaps talking to a counsellor might give you some idea where you are emotionally.

Lynda.

Lost, exhausted and hate life!

Neil_1 — Thu, 12 May 2016 00:35:58 GMT

Dear Stuck

I too would like to welcome you to Beyond Blue.

This is a tricky situation that you’re in and I feel for you that your husband is treating you this way. In fact it sounds far more controlling and that there are not many ‘up-sides’ for you in this relationship.

It’s awesome to hear that you have two beautiful boys, which I believe would be love and joy of your life.

I think it’s awesome that you were able to seek out your own professional help and went to see your GP and then subsequently were referred to a psychologist and also to be put on medication.

Does your husband work?

I’m guessing that he doesn’t like you working where you work – is that because you’re then not at home to be doing things around the home? I suspect he’s not overly big on helping you out with anything related to the (a) home and (b) the boys as well.

You sound like a wonderful person who does not need what your husband is dishing out to you – calling you names and being on the edge to be angry with you is just not on.

You’re exhausted, you don’t care anymore and you’ve tried to fix this, but you can’t. This is screaming out to me that something must happen for you and happen soon.

Obviously leaving him is the last option.

I’ve read through, but I can’t seem to see where you’ve sat down with him to tell him how it makes you feel when he calls you names? How it makes you feel by doing everything for him, to make him happy and moreso, because you don’t want him to get angry. Oh oh, I’ve just read where you’ve said about not wanting to talk anymore cause you don’t want arguments … so perhaps you’ve raised this before and he’s gone off at you.

If you suggested couple counselling, do you think he’d go along?

If you suggested, as Lynda said, a possible holiday way for just you and the boys, would he be ok with this?

Do you have any siblings or close friends who you feel you could confide in?

I’d really love to hear back from you.

Neil

Lost, exhausted and hate life!

Doolhof — Thu, 12 May 2016 23:24:16 GMT

Hi Stuck,

I do hope you get back to us. Sometimes it is very hard to face up to the reality of a situation. You have been given a few different ideas and suggestions here. I hope you consider them one way or another.

We often wonder how people are getting on when we read and answer their posts, I personally hope you that people are able to change their lives around, to find ways to help improve their lives, or to accept their situations and make the most of them.

I'd also like to suggest that you change the name you are using, or to add a different name to the bottom of your text. The only reason being is that there has been another person on the forums using the title Stuck (14) and people may confuse the two of you.

It is important that you are considered as yourself and not someone else. Maybe you could sign off as "Moving Forward!" I know when I am feeling down I need to give myself a push in the "being more positive" direction.

Just a thought, maybe you could write a letter to your husband telling him exactly how you feel about everything. The rip that one up or keep it for your psychologist and then write him another letter that you will give to him to read.

Once you have the anger and frustration out in the first letter, you may better understand what it is that you really want out of life/family/your relationship.

All the best to you, From Mrs. Dools

Lost, exhausted and hate life!

Stuck82 — Mon, 16 May 2016 23:23:23 GMT

Hi Doolhof, sorry it's been a few days. Its hard to get on here when my husband is around. Thank you for your replys. Firstly ive told my husband to stop putting me down and name calling but it does no good. Still carrys on and has no respect at all for sometimes. I enjoy horse riding and i do have horses although because of how i have been feeling i have not ridden in 12 months. Im trying to make small steps but its hard.

I have told my husband that we should seperate and he told me to go if i wanted. Its hard cause i live a fair few hours away from my family so feel a bit isolated and can't just get up and leave . I have to think of my kids schooling and my animals etc. I have really thought about things the last few days and i think it's just a matter of time before i do leave. I'm tired of the mental and emotional abuse. He refuses to gonto marriage counseling with me as well. His excuse is childish. He says that beacuse i didn't do certain things for him (eg. Delete his mate off my facebook account when i had one) that he won't do this for me. I didn't delete him cause i had done nothing wrong, it was all to do with my husbands insecurities. Maybe i should have, i don't know but its still not a reason to not seek help for our marriage.

Lost, exhausted and hate life!

Stuck82 — Mon, 16 May 2016 23:31:51 GMT

Hi pipsy, thank you for your reply. I have had one boyfriend before my husband. So I haven't really known what it's like to be on my own since i was 17. The name calling is more so when we have an argument. He gets terribly angry and knows it will upset me. More so though he will say it infront of our kids and i don't want them hearing it thinking that this is acceptable behavior. I sit them down and tell them its not. I know my relationship is not a happy and healthy one. But i find it hard to leave cause i ask myself constantly "what if i regret it and then can't go back?" And being as manipulative as my husband is he has said in the past that he would have nothing to do with our boys if i did leave. He plays with my emotions all the time.

Lost, exhausted and hate life!

Stuck82 — Mon, 16 May 2016 23:50:19 GMT

Hi Neil1, thank you for your reply. My kids are my world and they are the only thing keeping me afloat at the moment. I feel gulity that they are in the situation they are in beacuse my husband and i are so unhappy. I know they see it. I want so much better for them but as i said i find it extremely hard to leave. My husband does work. We work in the same work place but totally seperate areas. (I am a shift worker and he is Monday to Friday ) it is more so a male dominant eork place but they're plenty of woman too. He hears stories (not involveing me) from our side and has all these insecurities. Inhave never given him any reason to doubt my trust or loyalty. He constantly says to me 'what if the shie was on the other foot'? My reply is i trust him and thats that. Even wearing makeup to work for me is a big issue... its bloody ridiculous that i need to justify why i want to wear makeup. It drives me insane! I have suggested couples counselling but he refuses.if you read my other post you'll see why. Very childish in my opinion. I have also told him.i want a break and he won't do breaks. He said once i leave thats it. I want to leave but have all thses doubts like what if I regret it? What if i can't do it on my own? I have a great job and family support but so many doubts.

Lost, exhausted and hate life!

Stuck82 — Tue, 17 May 2016 00:05:18 GMT

Hi doolhof, thank you for your reply. Sorry i haven't been on,its hard when my husband is around. I thought i replied but it didn't come up on here. I have written a letter to him but not in real detail of how i feel.. i do write down stuff so i remember things when i see my psychologist. I feel.i cannot be my true self at all around him. I am sick of the judgments... my hobbies are horses and singing. I love horse riding. Its been my passion since i could walk. However feeling the way i have its been at least 12 months since i have ridden my horses. I have to try and make baby steps beacuse i know once i start ill love it again. I have started singing again but i am not supported with it much by my husband. I mean why would he.. he thinks i am an attention seeker as it is with me wanting a tattoo and wearing a little bit of makeup to to work... he supports me in singing at family functions etc but as far as me wanting to taking it further (eg the voice) it's a no and he will not have it. Be does not want me in the spot light nor will he want tonhave the responsibility of looking after our boys mire than he has to. Sounds bad i know but all he does is think about himself yet he says to me all the time im selfish? From what? I look after my family, i work and thats all i do... how am i bloody selfish? What cause i want to gave a go a something thats a bit more exciting than singing in the shower? ... so damn draining he is.

Lost, exhausted and hate life!

Neil_1 — Tue, 17 May 2016 00:32:01 GMT

Dear Ess82

Thank you for getting back to us.

This situation, the more I read about it, is more stressful and not right for you than I initially thought.

He sounds like a control freak who won’t let you get out and do something that you really enjoy.

You’ve tried to suggest couple’s counselling, but he’s refused.

His whole demeanour is as you say, very childish and more. I agree whole heartedly with you on that.

May I ask, if you were to make a break, would the children be going with you? To me, it sounds like they should as you mentioned in one of your responses where he tries to make sure he does as little for them as he can. I also think that from how he is and his attitude for him saying that he’d want no part in his children’s life – that is so terribly sad, but on the positive, it could be a huge benefit for your boys, as they won’t potentially have any of his bad traits rubbed off on them.

So if you were to make a break from this, do you have a place or someone safe with whom you could go too?

Kind regards

Neil

Lost, exhausted and hate life!

Stuck82 — Tue, 17 May 2016 00:49:35 GMT

Hi Neil1, he won't admit he is controlling. I have told him he is and he says i can do what ever i want! Yeh i could but why would i when if i did all i get would be put downs? He says to be i should not want to do it because i know it upsets him so therefore i don't. That's the manipulation right there. He can also be a caring father. I don't want you to get the impression he is all bad.. i mean he is mostly but he does have good parts in him. He uses the whole ill have nothing to do with the boys if i leave as manipulation. He says that i think to change my mind cause he knows i would hate it. He is calling bluff.. i honestly think he couldn't not see his boys. Even though he avoids responsibility he does have them when i work and he does take them to foot ball training and football games. He enjoys doing all the fun stuff with them but he hates the responsibility of having them when i am at work especially. He always says he never has his weekends to do what he wants cause i have to work... the boys would be with me if i left. I would get a house for us and my family are very supportive and would help me. I would stay with my parents until i found a house if left. It would be hard cause they live a few hours away from me but i would do what i had to do til i found a house where i live.

Lost, exhausted and hate life!

pipsy — Tue, 17 May 2016 03:17:20 GMT

Hi, because I'm not happy with the name you've chosen, I will simply refer to you as Hopeful. Hopeful, to me signifies, you've more or less decided on your future. Perhaps another thing to help you decide would be to write down reasons to stay against reasons to leave. Mark the list, pros and cons, pros being to stay, cons being to leave. Only you know how he will react if you leave or continue to stay. Heaps here, including me previously, have given you advise on what action you should take. The final decision has to be yours and yours alone. You say he's a good dad (possibly when it suits), you then contradict yourself to say how bad he makes you feel when he is asked to do something with the kids. He wants everything his way, no compromise, he refused to attend counselling. You said, if you were to leave, you would feel guilty, may I ask why? Guilt is something he is manipulating you to feel. 'Feel sorry for me' is a common catchphrase when anyone decides to leave a toxic relationship, be it marriage or just child leaving toxic home. Think about the effect this situation is having on your kids too. They're actually more important than your selfish husband.

Lynda.

Lost, exhausted and hate life!

Stuck82 — Tue, 17 May 2016 03:49:54 GMT

Hi pipsy. how do i go about changing my display name? Ive tried but i can't seem to find it. I have done the pros and cons with my psychologist and there areway more cons. I just can't seem to.make a decision though. I know what i should do but feel very anxious in doing so. Fearful of the unknown i guess. I would feel guilty cause im breaking up my family. My psychologist says i live in the thought of wanting a happy family and am waiting for it but to her unless there is change we will never be a happy family. I know whats happening and i know i need to make a decision but i find it extremely difficult of all the what ifs.. i wsnt him to compromise, i want him to be a great dad who wants to be with his kids ALL THE TIME. But will it ever happen... probably not.. i have sat down and told him that its a complete turn off and so disappointing when he says he doesn't have weekends for him and that he's always got the boys. He hardly ever has them in my opinion. My problem is i try to justify everything and its exhausting. But what is stopping me from standing up for myself and telling him its over? I have been a door mat all our relationship, Agreeable, a push over... ive completely lost who i am. how much more can i take before i have enough! I know its not a healthy relationship for our children that alone should help me get up with them and walk out the door but it doesn't. I feel i have been pushed and manipulated so much ive just believed it... i don't feel strong enough...

Lost, exhausted and hate life!

Chris_B — Tue, 17 May 2016 04:30:20 GMT

Hi Stuck82, it's not possible for you to change your own display name, but if you get in touch with us privately with your preferred alternative we can change it for you.

Lost, exhausted and hate life!

pipsy — Tue, 17 May 2016 04:49:30 GMT

Hi H. You sound very much the 'battered wife', which in essence you are. You are an emotionally battered wife. Your scars are internal. You keep hoping things will get better, he will change. Bottom line, you are the only one who can make a change to your life. He might change, he won't stay 'changed' for long. Husbands who habitually beat their wives, always promise, 'they will NEVER do it again', they then go on to say, 'why do you make me do that?' Wives do their best to stop the beatings, they make promises to be better, take more responsibility for the assaults. You won't change him, you can't, that's his department, all you can do is take responsibility for you and the kids. You say you don't want to break up your family, the only 'family' you need to consider is you and the kids. I know the thought of leaving, packing, etc is scary. I did it last year, I was terrified. Tell you what, it was the best thing I ever did. My kids are older, live their own lives, but the support they have shown is amazing. You will get heaps of support here, your parents, your own kids will probably be appreciative knowing they don't have to listen to mum and dad fighting. It's possible your kids may feel a bit to blame (they're not, we all know that), but kids quite often believe if they had been better behaved, mum and dad wouldn't be fighting.

What's in it for you to stay? What do you gain from leaving? No changes if you stay. If you leave, self respect, love from kids, peace, no more having to justify - anything. Your own person, boss of your destiny, life.

Lynda.

Lost, exhausted and hate life!

Doolhof — Tue, 17 May 2016 22:10:16 GMT

Hi There,

Just a couple of things, Christopher has given you the option to change your title if you wish to. Use the email contact on this site and he should be able to arrange that if you wish you. I guess the suggestion to change the title is to make you feel more empowered and positive within yourself.

Another thing, it takes a little while for your posts to come up on the forum. You may have noticed a little blue bus above my name, Pipsy's and Neil's. This means that we are part of a peer support group here on the forums, so our posts come through a lot quicker than other people's do.

You may send in a post but it may take hours to come up. Don't worry about that, it is the same for all others using this forum. The forum is not instantaneous like email and other forms of electronic communication.

That is it for the technical side of things!

I will start another post as a reply to you.

Lost, exhausted and hate life!

Doolhof — Tue, 17 May 2016 22:21:30 GMT

Me again!

I do understand in some ways your reluctance to leave, you have explained that very well, in wanting a dream to be lived out in reality! I too have felt and in some ways still feel that way.

My husband can be very dominating and suspicious as well. He can be insecure and unsupportive. I realise I can not change him in any way, as I have chosen to stay in our marriage, I need to be strong, be me and learn how to be assertive.

When my husband was being nasty, I would just walk away from him and find something to do that would help me release the tension I was feeling, like gardening or cleaning. The physical activity helped.

Then I started doing things I wanted to do like go to the beach by myself, catch up with girlfriends, booked a weeks holiday on a river boat by myself, joined a volunteer group.

The more I stood up for myself, the more he understood I meant what I was saying and I think I gained more respect as well from him.

My husband came to counselling with me twice, told the counsellor all the things that I was doing wrong, that it was all my fault and that was that. As far as he was concerned the problem was solved. I tend to think your husband might do the same thing or something similar.

People have already given you great suggestions and ideas on how to think about leaving or staying.

I would just like to add, maybe phone legal aid/ Relationships Australia or an organisation like that to find out what your rights are regarding the sharing of assets. I don't really know who you should contact, but these organisations might be able to point you in the right direction if that is the path you choose to take.

In the mean time, I would like to suggest that you really try to get back onto one of your horses and go for a ride!

Wishing you all the best and happy riding! I would love to join you!

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

Lost, exhausted and hate life!

Apollo_Black — Thu, 19 May 2016 11:56:25 GMT

Hey there

I don't have a miracle solution, but maybe you could take some pressure off by taking the kids to your parents for the weekend. You could have a little time out, so could your husband. Ultimately he needs to come to marriage counseling with you. If he definitely won't come then he'll need an ultimatum. He may be more talk than anything - if he knows you're serious perhaps he may be more willing...

Do your psychologist or GP have an opinion on what you should do? Do you share the GP? Could this be an avenue to your husband? Regardless it sounds like you need to get more done for yourself. There's a guy called Athol Kay you could check out - although mainly for married men a whole heap of women parcipitate on his forum and you may get some useful advice there. Just google his name. Why would you like to get a tattoo??