topic Childhood woundings linger in Relationship and family issues

Childhood woundings linger

jamesssss — Sat, 06 Jun 2015 03:30:25 GMT

I am a 31 year old male and am depressed, feel alone and dependent on others.

I was raised by a mildly abusive father. I have an older brother and younger sister who have also suffered depression from a fear of our father.

My father is an emotionally distant person who suffers depression himslef. He has always had a leave me alone and mind your own business attitude. He gave up on work, became an alchoholic and would dictate to us how life should be properly lived. He never set an example. In fact he never left the house.

My mum was pretty much a people pleaser who agreed with everyone especially my father.

Growing up, my brother and sister were highly praised for their responsibile natures. My dad was extremely strict on them. He swore and threw things at them and only gave them praise when they listened to his ways lessons on living. Me on the other hand he insulted, told me that im worthless and untrusted. Yep, there was no way in hell I was going to be as good as by brother and sister. The only way I got love from him was by stroking his ego.

I am sitting here at my parents house as ive recently split up with my wife I was with for 15 years. Her personality was just like my fathers in the sense that she was always right and everyone had to listen to her or she would loose it.

Breaking up with her has made me realise that I am quite the dependent person. What bothers me most is that I always agree with people to avoid dispute with them and the possibilty of them leaving me. Ive studied being assertive and am learning how to set boudaries for myself. But I feel I am naturally attracted to the same self centered people.

I have no friends at the moment as I invested the past 15 years of my life in my wifes friends and interests.

Ive had several psychology sessions, been on antidepressents.

I feel really alone and worthless and don't want to lean on anyone close to me as I don't think it will help my situation.

Childhood woundings linger

pipsy — Sat, 06 Jun 2015 06:14:41 GMT

Hello, I grew up in a similar situation to yours, except I was also abused physically by an older brother. He later became an alcoholic. Okay, onto healing. You have taken the first step by posting here. Have you tried explaining to your wife how like your father she is? If you have and she hasn't/doesn't listen, then keeping away from her, sad, but necessary. Narcissistic parents tend to make their kids feel worthless so they feel better about their own short comings. You said he threw things at your siblings, how did they respond? You may never know the reason he treated you the way he did. He probably doesn't know himself, maybe you argued back and your siblings didn't. Whatever the reason, it won't change anything by knowing, now. You don't have to be aggressive to disagree with people. If someone says something hurtful, try telling them gently that what they've said/done has hurt you. Not everyone is out to 'get' you. You've probably hurt people too without meaning to. Human nature tends to be a bit cruel at times. You don't have to 'lean' on people to make friends, be pleasant, kind. A smile costs nothing and goes far. If you treat everyone as a potential friend, you'll get friendship in return. If you are hostile, they will be too. I know it's hard, but remembering the way you were treated, may help you soften. You don't want to be hard, when you act hard, people walk away.

Regards Pipsy.

Childhood woundings linger

Doolhof — Sat, 06 Jun 2015 07:09:29 GMT

Hi James,

Welcome to the community here at Beyond Blue. I am sorry to read your story. If you don't mind, I have a few questions for you, do you and your wife have any children if so will you still be seeing them?

Are you staying with your parents until you find somewhere else to live or are you hoping to return to your wife but under different circumstances?

How does your father treat you now that you are an adult? Is it possible for you to stand up to him respectfully? It is very hard to change the habits and traits of another person, it is how we react to others that is the main issue.

You mentioned you are receiving help or have done in the past, did you and your wife ever attend counselling sessions together?

Do you know where you want to go from here?

Do you have hobbies and interests you would like to pursue so you can meet new people that way?

Is it possible for you to catch up with old friends?

Are you good mates with any of the males in your wife's friends, could you still catch up with some of them?

What about your brother and sister, do they still live close by? Do you see them at all?

Are you working, if so do you have friends there you could ask to join you on an outing somewhere?

So many questions I know! Just wondered how much you had thought things through and where you want to now head.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

Childhood woundings linger

July — Sat, 06 Jun 2015 07:37:57 GMT

Hi James,

I'm sorry you are feeling the way you are right now, through no fault of your own.

Growing up in a highly dysfunctional family affects your whole life as you are never taught boundaries and the right life lessons that should have been taught ,so when problems arise you don't have the skills to deal with it.

Then you also don't have that family support to rely on , to ask advise ,to confide in, and you avoid conflict to stop people leaving or having an argument .

But you must remember your parents acted that way because they had their own issues which then reflected back on you, they didn't nuture you because they were to busy caught up in their own conflict.

Your relationship must have started when you were very young, and I guess she is all you have known, and that is very difficult, your first love.

Going to counselling to talk to someone completely outside the family is the best thing, you will feel safe and not judged, to let out all those childhood problems and move forward.

You are not worthless, you are a good person who has been let down by parents who didn't know any better, and now is your time to shine and grow, you are a young man with his whole life ahead of him to enjoy, there are many great things in life for you to experience so take your chance and run.

I wish you all the best and let us know how you are going.

July

Childhood woundings linger

jamesssss — Sat, 06 Jun 2015 07:56:07 GMT

Hi July

thank you for your very kind words. mischief appreciated 🙂

Childhood woundings linger

jamesssss — Sat, 06 Jun 2015 07:59:21 GMT

*very much appreciated

Childhood woundings linger

jamesssss — Sat, 06 Jun 2015 09:13:51 GMT

Hi Dools

No luckily we don't have children.

Im living with my brother at the moment and looking for share accommodation.

Yes I have only recently been Standing up to my father respectfully. One thing I noticed though in a counselling session is that I am protective of my father still.

I am friends with her best friends husband. He has been quite close to me over the years, however, he disliked by most people he meets as he is very selfish, rude and disrespectful. For example he helped organise my bucks party, gathered money from my guests and kept some of the money for himself. I found out weeks later through amother guest at my bucks. And I didn't confront him. He also said to me very insultingly that he is only my friend due to our wife's being friends. And ...yep, I just laughed and nodded!

My wife hated him as did many others and for fair reason. I did too but overlooked it as he was for some reason one of the only persons I could fully open up to. When in group situations he would stand up for me and kind of take me under his wing for the benefit of showing others he has a follower. And yep, i am very protective of him. I still see him now but I really am not a fan of him.

Also I asked a friend who I hadn't seen for many years to be in my bridal party. He agreed, we married two years ago and I havnt contacted him because im afraid to be vulnerable, weak and not fit in with the group he hangs out with. The group he hangs out with I was also once friends with. We all played football. But I really don't get along with him or them anymore. Ive hanged out with them 3 times and they are highly competetive amongst each other and throw joking insults around regularily. I am not mentally stable for this. However, I need to contact him and face it as he is really starting to give up on me. I feel so bad for putting him in my bridal party and then just forgetting him. This issue has caused much of my past depression. I want to have friends and be able to joke without feeling sensitive but, gee im afraid. its just not me. But I know I really think I havnt tried hard enough yet, to learn my strengths and weaknesses around groups of people outside of my wife's friends.

I have people at work I talk to but only on an aquatance level. I really fear getting close to people

Childhood woundings linger

jamesssss — Sat, 06 Jun 2015 09:14:59 GMT

I struggle to take things lightly. I analyze the simpliest things people say. Growing up i dealt with my fathers put downs by numbing my self from reality. I daydream constantly and struggle to focus at work. When people speak to me I get anxiety, struggle to focus on what they say and therefore struggle to keep friendships. Sigh...Im focusing on living in the present, feeling rather than thinking and keeping busy with studying music composition and excersing.

Thanks for the support and reading my post . Appreciate it 🙂

Childhood woundings linger

Doolhof — Sat, 06 Jun 2015 22:44:39 GMT

Hi James,

Thanks for sharing more of your life and the issues you are facing.

If you don't mind more questions, have you been to see a Dr about how you are feeling? Here on this site they have a list of Drs that are able to help and assist with mental health issues. You could check it out and see if there is someone close to you.

You may need to chat to a Dr about this and maybe a counsellor, or phone the Beyond Blue help line or use their web chat so someone with a greater understanding of how you are feeling can help.

It does sound like you have been overwhelmed and almost over powered by people during your life's journey.

Somehow you need to build up your self esteem and sense of self. Maybe you could think of something you have always wanted to do and aim to fulfil that dream or at least work towards it.

If you catch up with old friends may be try to do it one on one and not with them in a group, that might make it easier. People can feed off each other and sometimes the situation deteriates because of it.

You used to play footy, is there a club near you where you could help to coach the young players if you are still interested in footy.

Regarding the people you had in your bridal party, there may be a lot of people out there who don't stay in contact with those people anymore for lots of reasons.

Friendships in general can just end, sometimes we have no ide why, it just happens, people move on.

So you enjoy music composition and exercising. Is there someone at your work place that might like to join you for a jog some time? Is there a hotel or venue near you that has live music you could go and listen to?

Is your brother in a relationship? Do the two of you hang out together and do stuff?

Does he have mates you can chat with to help regain your confidence in speaking with people?

Another thing I do is to have a chat with the people I meet during the day. You go to a café to buy a coffee, have a brief chat to the person serving you. Chat to the check out person, nothing personal, just hi how has your day been or gee the price of milk has gone up hasn't it.

Hope some of this helps! Small changes over time make a huge difference. Think about where you want to go and what you can do to change your life. You are in control. You are at the wheel. You can turn off the auto pilot now and take control.

Would love to hear how you are getting on.

Cheers for now from Dools

Childhood woundings linger

jamesssss — Fri, 12 Jun 2015 23:03:26 GMT

Hi dools, thanks again.

im seeing a therapist who ive seen in the past this week.

I really really am not doing well at the moment. I have no control over my thoughts and they are all negative. Ive studied nlp to death. Seen a therapist, hypnotist and yet my overly active negative mind winds on.

as a result, I have really stuggled to live in the present moment. People at work and my family have speoken to me over the past two weeks and i don't comprehend what they say. they look at me strangely and say are you alright mate !!!? Ive told my family and work friends and boss about my situation and whilst they understand and have been supportive I feel like ive now given my self a reason to continue to dwell on my sorrows. I feel like a martyr.

Childhood woundings linger

Doolhof — Sat, 13 Jun 2015 01:06:01 GMT

Hi James,

I'm sorry to read about the pressure you are under at present.

I'm wondering if the place you are working for is short staffed because people are off on stress leave or are they taking holidays? Maybe it is the same thing.

In one way it is nice the coordinator seemed to understand your situation, I suppose he/she still had to report your mistakes due tot heir position in the company.

It can be hard to find new friends. Even more so when you are working such long hours.

Do you belong to a union or something? Do you have rights as to how long you work? I'm not sure how these things work in different work places.

Please don't give up James. I know that feeling oh too well myself, so please, please keep reaching out for help and understanding as you are here.

Have you ever used the emergency phone help lines? I have and the people on the other end are wonderful, very supportive and it helps me so much.

I would like to encourage you to use these services as well as writing how you are feeling here. Beyond Blue has a number you can phone or use their web chat.

Hopefully some of this has helped and you will find the help you need.

From Mrs. Dools

Childhood woundings linger

jamesssss — Sat, 13 Jun 2015 14:35:24 GMT

thanks dools 🙂

Yes I have used the help line actually and it is fantastic support.

I have a huge decision to make this week and I am extremely afraid!

My work have given me a warning about the decline of my work and yes ive told them my situation but I have made alot of mistakes and honestly not lived up to the work standard over the years. They really need me at the moment to train a new starter but im really not sure I can due to my depression. I picture myself making more mistakes and getting fired and am thinking maybe its best I hand in my resignation agree to train the person with the hope of getting a good reference.

My plan would then be to travel and work overseas. Something ive wanted to do for awhile.

HOWEVER, I am sooo afraid! I know traveling won't fix my social paranoia. And a huge part of me wants to stay here and reconnect with friends.

the core of my depression is the reaility that I can't keep friends. For years ive depended on my wife and never taken a risk to make my own friends. I feel im running away from my fear. I am petrified to see my old friends. They contact me every now and again and I have never tried to establish a friendship with them. I struggle to tie my shoe laces up in the morning let alone talk to people. The shame im expericing is beyond painful. My old friends are fightin for me and i feel im not close enough to them to open up.

im even paranoid around my brother at the moment. I have opened up to him sooo much. However I just talk to him about my sorrows then wait and hope he fixes my problems. He is beyond supportive which is greeat. I feel im on this site asking for my problems to be fixed. my problem is that I don't have the balls to fight my fears of seeing my old friends. its something I want to do but just cannot.

with my current state I feel I will make a fool of myself.

I want to leave and travel now without trying to reconnect with them but I know it will haunt me that I didn't whilst im overseas. But then again. Thinking maybe I can try when I get back from overseas !?

Im really afraid. Ive ran away from my fears my whole life and feel ill be doing the same. However with me situation at work and with my wife maybe I need to just leave without trying to see my old friends.

Childhood woundings linger

Doolhof — Sun, 14 Jun 2015 05:59:41 GMT

Hi James,

It is great you have used the help line. I too have found the people there to be very helpful.

I'm certainly no expert what so ever in any of your issues...I am a fellow suffer of a mental illness so my ideas are just suggestions for you to consider.

Okay, CONQUORING FEARS. Just take one issue at a time. Look up on the internet how to conquer fear and see what you come up. Are there strategies that might work for you?

Your brother is supportive and you have trouble connecting with old friends.

Ask your brother to join you in catching up with just one friend you would really like to see. If that goes okay, then try to organise something similar with two friends.

It sounds easy and maybe it could be that easy for you! Give it a try.

Regarding your work situation, the staff obviously think you have it in you to train a person, other wise they would not have asked you.

Will you be expected to train this person and also do your own work load?

With your ideas to travel overseas, would you do that alone or with another person?

Do you have weekends off? If so, then organise a weekend trip away somewhere and see how you cope with that, that will give you a little indication of how travel may make you feel.

Just a thought, have you ever tried any cognitive therapy? You could probably find ways to do that on the internet as well. How on earth did we manage life before the internet? (We connected with each other one to one!!!!) Anyway that is a whole different story.

Maybe getting away could be just what you need.

Catch up with your friends before you go, tell them you will keep in touch with social media and see them in person when you get back.

Can you take a couple of days off work just to catch your breathe? I know you mentioned they are short of staff but there is no point in breaking yourself for their sake.

Just my thoughts.

Cheers for now from Dools