topic Trust issues in Relationship and family issues

Trust issues

Bubbles1983 — Tue, 05 Apr 2016 05:15:43 GMT

last year wheno was 27 weeks pregnant I found out that my husband was chatting inappropriately with women online. It blew up and we went to marriage counseling to try and get past it .

I have had trust issues ever since and I suspect it's happening again . Despite him giving me access to all his accounts I feel he is being more sneaky this time .

I also read some messages on his facebook that were sent 6 months after we were married and they were disgusting and definitely crossing the line .

We we have a 10 month old baby and overall a happy marriage / family life ( or so I thought ) . He does have self esteem issues but this is no excuse .

Im not sure what to do . As I said our life together is great but im sick of his lies and what some may consider as cheating .

Any help appreciated xxx

Trust issues

pipsy — Tue, 05 Apr 2016 06:02:58 GMT

Hi Bubbles. My name is Lynda. You are in a bit of a spot here. For some reason your hubby is more 'at home' chatting online than to you. Can I ask, if it's not too hurtful, what sort of things he says to these women. If it's flirting, then you need to know why he feels the need to flirt. You mentioned he has self esteem issues, do you know what the cause is? Perhaps he is the sort of person who needs to feel attractive, that is something only he can answer. You said he's given you access to his bank accounts but you still feel uneasy. Have you told him you feel uneasy, and, if possible, why you feel uneasy. I think it might be an idea if you could maybe write down some of the things you feel unhappy about. Show him what you've written and let him at least explain himself. Try to take it one step at a time. I realise you're hurting, he needs to know you're hurting and why.

All the best. Lynda.

Trust issues

Bubbles1983 — Tue, 05 Apr 2016 07:06:15 GMT

Hi Lynda ,

I wrote in another thread and you helped me to realise that I have a narcissistic mother in law - hence why my husband ( and his brothers) . His dad is also a bully .

I will be having a discussion with him tonight bur im ️feeling numb about or all as its happened before and I'm not sure a positive outcome can come of it given the history and circumstances .

It it seems like an ego driven attention thing but it is still nor an excuse for that behavior .

In one message he asked for her number .

These me messages were from a few years ago but I have no idea what has driven him to do this ... And therefore why is can't just do it again ( which I suspect 😣)

Trust issues

pipsy — Tue, 05 Apr 2016 07:44:40 GMT

Hi Bubbles. I thought I recognised you from a previous thread. I feel so sorry that you are in this sad situation. Obviously turning to his parents is not an option, although perhaps your parents could help you as far as taking the baby so you could have some time together. I think you should have a talk with him, tell him what you fear. Ask him straight out if he is chatting. If he is ask him why. I'm hoping for your sake it is innocent. As I said earlier, write down your fears, doing this means you won't get tongue-tied when you talk to him. Sometimes when we're angry or hurt, our words come out wrong and we say things we don't necessarily mean. If he is contemplating another woman, (I hope for you and baby he isn't), you need to have some options for yourself. One step at a time, though. Find out first what's going on.

Trust issues

Bubbles1983 — Tue, 05 Apr 2016 11:49:41 GMT

Hi again ,

so we had a big discussion and turns out my suspicions were right . while he isnt looking for anything romantic outside our marriage he has still been chatting to other females .

We are going to separate for awhile . I'm very upset and don't know how I'm going to get past this 😕

Trust issues

Bubbles1983 — Tue, 05 Apr 2016 12:12:15 GMT

We had a discussion and my suspicions were all true . He isn't looking for anything romantic but still has felt the need to talk to women outside the relationship . It's something I cant , and will never understand.

I have decided to separate from him for awhile and I'm not sure what's going to happen .

It certainly has been a tumultuous year .

Trust issues

white knight — Tue, 05 Apr 2016 12:32:38 GMT

Hi Bubbles

I'll take this step by step.

YOUR standards is what is so important here not his standards or friends standards. You need to be confident in your decision to leave and you appear to be. You should have no guilt in your moving out. You find his sneaky womanising (and that's what it is) unacceptable- period, end of story.

You have a 10 month old baby. although some circumstances would see you remain with him for the sake of your child, this unacceptable situation, with that theory, would see you forsake your life with a man that would cheat on you given the opportunity.

Set yourself up with your baby. Devote your immediate future on the welfare of your child, your emotional needs and fulfilling your now ex partner and your child with calm, good communicative visitation arrangements.

Two more things. first, in a few months you'll be settled and happier. Second, trust is a key ingredient for a happy relationship.

Good luck. I'm proud of you

Tony WK

Trust issues

geoff — Tue, 05 Apr 2016 20:00:18 GMT

dear Bubbles, I am really sorry that this has happened because once trust has been broken then there are always questions being asked by you only to be told lies by him.
He could open another bank account as well as get a pre-paid mobile all of which he hides from you, because when he is talking to other females that could easily be done, and which he will hide somewhere.
Your life together maybe 'great' but you have to realise it might be great for another person or persons as well, and your not sure whether he has said any of this to them, because you can't rely on what he has to say.
I am always suspicious because of my ex-wife and what was done, and I find it hard to believe that he's not looking for a romantic relationship, perhaps not but then what is he after.
Surely he has some mates he can talk to without putting the marriage in danger of breaking up, however he hasn't and chose to talk to one female or more.
The accounts he has given permission for you to look over won't have anything suspicious, it's those that he's hiding.
I am pleased that you have decided to separated at the moment, although it's going to be very sad for you but trust is paramount in any marriage. Geoff. x

Trust issues

pipsy — Tue, 05 Apr 2016 20:48:46 GMT

Hi Bubbles. I am so sorry this has happened. Geoff and Tony are quite right with their ideas. Marriage is supposed to be husband, wife and children. The fact that he finds pleasure talking to other woman is so hurtful because he should be talking, flirting with you. It couldn't have been an easy decision to make for you, but under the circumstances it's right. I'm just hoping he takes care of you financially. Maybe leaving him will shake him enough to realise his actions are wrong. Did you ask him why he has the need to talk to other woman? That would've been my first question? Perhaps knowing would be painful, but I know I would want to know. Whatever your future holds, rest assured, for now, you've made the right decision for you and the baby.

Take care and best wishes. Remember we're here if you need to talk, vent. Lynda.

Trust issues

Bubbles1983 — Wed, 06 Apr 2016 06:41:25 GMT

Thanks for your support . He can't explain why he does it and I honestly doesn't think he knows himself . He did mention the word ' fantasy ' . A separate life as such ' behind a computer screen ' which in his mind makes it innocent .

He he also said he likes to chat because he doesn't have a lot of friends which is stupid be does have friends that he doesn't make an effort with .

He has serious problems which I don't think he even understands himself .

Thanks again . I feel stronger now than I have in awhile as I've been doubting him / not trusting him for a long time and that's not a nice way to live .

Trust issues

pipsy — Wed, 06 Apr 2016 07:02:47 GMT

Hi Bubbles. I can hear the strength in your post. I'm pleased for you that you were able to make the right decision for you. If hubby wants to try to sort things out, I would suggest further counselling to get him to understand what is acceptable. Maybe he is the sort who looks on what he has done as 'harmless', but he needs to know that, to you, it's hurtful. You said he has friends, it could be that what he says to his face to face friends is different to what he says to online friends. That doesn't make it right, but to him, it makes sense. I do a bit of online chatting, but I live alone, so I'm not hurting anyone. If I was in a relationship, I would rather talk to my partner.

Best wishes for your future. I am hoping you and hubby will sort it out. Lynda.

Trust issues

KDAWGS — Wed, 06 Apr 2016 09:32:28 GMT

I so know what you are going through Bubbles. All the advice from the others rings so true for me as well.
My husband has a "friend" who happens to be a single female and she is helping him with his depression as she is a sufferer too & feels more comfortable talking to her than a professional as he doesn't want to spend the $$ and feels he is unable to talk to me as I am cold. The befriending other woman is a pattern with him and she is no. 5 in the 20yrs we have almost been married. Sunday night was breaking point for me when I found this woman at my husbands place. I went there with my son & saw her car in the side street, when we go to his front door it was locked (very unlike him), we knocked and I saw through the glass a red figure leave the room and when he opened the door I heard the back door close. As he went to the car to get something for our son, I went to the back to see who it was and sure enough she was hiding.... I have txt her prior to this asking what level their "friendship" was at and that I wasn't happy that she was speaking to my husband and not referring him to get professional help. They have both assured me they are just friends but I have a real problem with the whole situation and don't know if i need to get over it or get over him.
Like you, I am sick of being treated like 2nd best and the trust is a huge issue for me to move on from..
Do you think there is a chance you will get back together with your husband or do you feel you are done?
I asked mine the other night if we were done and he said "I hope not, there are feelings there" then he suggested I try going on a date if someone asks me out... ???
I hope you and your little one are safe and comfortable.

Trust issues

Bubbles1983 — Wed, 06 Apr 2016 10:05:43 GMT

I must say , I am so grateful for everyone's support! It's hard to talk to people who know me / us as they are involved emotionally on some level .

I'm sorry you are having constant trust issues with your husband . It's so crappy hey ? Are you separated at the moment ?

This is is all very raw as in , things blew up last night , but I'm so done with all his lies and I don't see how it's going to work. He says he can change but I've heard it all before and I don't think he actually understands what changing is and doesn't know how- if that makes sense . It's like he can't take responsibility for his actions and I no longer trust him or have any feeling for him. After 7 years together I have always felt something throughout the hard times and his lies ... This time it's numbness.

My husband was having facebook conversations with our neighbor which were supposedly innocent which included him joking around about kissing her in the driveway . As we know this is highly inappropriate for married people . I told him I was going to send the messages to her husband and he got very scared ... Because he very well knows it's wrong of course!!!

what is with men??? It just seems all too common .

Trust issues

Bubbles1983 — Wed, 06 Apr 2016 23:05:30 GMT

I just want to say how thankful I am to have all of your support . It is truly amazing . It's good to talk to people who are not emotionally involved in the situation as family and friends are .

Im really sorry to hear about the situation with your husband . How long have you been separated for ?

I honestly don't know how I could be with him after this . It's the 3rd time in 4 years that he had lied and betrayed me . The stuff I have found out is disgusting and I have forgiven him so many times , I just have nothing left . When his lies were exposed last year and we were having a rough time , I missed him and I still loved him hence why we went to counseling etc to try and work it out . This time, I feel nothing . He said he would do anything to make our marriage work , but the continued to lie . Even the other day when I already had information about what he was doing , I asked him directly if he had any secrets and he lied to my face . It's almost as if he believes his own lies . I don't understand it and to honest I don't think he does either .

What at is wrong with these men ?? I will never get it . I'm at my parents where I'm safe and loved . I just have no idea what's going to happen .

Trust issues

topsy_ — Wed, 06 Apr 2016 23:31:06 GMT

Good morning Bubbles,

I have been reading along with your posts & replies. I'm glad you are safe & loved atm.

I am as bewildered as you are by men who lie & seem to believe their own lies. It totally mystifies me. I was with a guy like this for 2 years. At first I had no reason to doubt him but over time I'd catch him out. He'd always have some excuse. His lies became more & more outrageous & deeply hurtful. Finally I ended the relationship to save my own sanity. Since then the first thing I looked for in a man was honesty. I feel physically sick if I think I'm being lied to.

Happily I can say I've now been married for 17 years to a man who is as honest as the sun. I feel secure, treasured & loved. That is my wish for you. Once you've gone through this painful time, anything & everything is possible in the future.

Cheers, Lyn.

Trust issues

white knight — Wed, 06 Apr 2016 23:40:19 GMT

Hi Bubbles,

Re: What is wrong with these men?

I can tell you. Having worked with countless men in my working career, RAAF, prison officer, security and so on, when they commit to a woman in marriage they have good intentions for sure. They don't think they'll stray. Then over time their sex drive is over powering, their fantasies for someone "different" is too much to contain.

I once went to work and took over from a colleague at midnight. He went home and my workmate and I entered the lunchroom where the last colleague had left a folder by accident, on a table. The documents were of swingers groups, an advert highlighted that he'd made and photos of himself. We obviously returned it. But this was in a small town area and we all knew his wife. It saddened us that this was going on. He thanked us for the documents safe keeping and confidentiality. 18 years later they are still together.

Their partner/wife, they could indeed love, they have a home with them, often children or step children, the security but they also take their chances to fulfill their uncontrollable desires.

The biggest mistake the mans wife make sin this case of infidelity is to believe that they themselves are not good enough, that they are unattractive and so on. It isn't a case of that at all, its a case of the man wanting what he sees as variety. Sadly.

Since then I've always felt sad for women in general that some men could be so deceitful.

That's the reason Bubbles. As unacceptable as it is.

Think of it like this. A male psych has a female patient he is extremely attracted to. He should draw the line not to involve himself romantically with a patient. So to the married person should restrain him/herself from straying.

Tony WK

Trust issues

Bubbles1983 — Thu, 07 Apr 2016 04:48:58 GMT

Thankyou again for your words s d support . Honestly you have no idea how helpful they are to be right now!!! ️Xxx

white knight - you are absolutely right and worded it so well . It reminds me of a prominent business man in Melbourne who had a wife and family but was a member of a swingers club . This behavior ultimately cost hm his life ... But my point is that it goes on all around and seems almost ' normal ' to these people.

I joined this particular dating site in order to catch my husband ... But within one day many married men had sent me messages . It's an epidemic .

I actually read my dad your message and he agreed and we talked about make biology and urges. You are absolutely right RE the make psych analogy and in myself I can make some sense of it all . Basically he fits into the category of men who I thought I never had to deal with again .

I feel devastated and broken today knowing that I no longer love him and there is I hope left . While he is ' trying ' to change . I myself know that he never can .

Xxx

Trust issues

pipsy — Thu, 07 Apr 2016 05:15:18 GMT

Hi Bubbles. I am so sorry your hubby has let you down again. Ultimately the most important thing to remember here is, no only was he lying to you, he was also lying to himself. His justification in what he was doing means he still enjoys the 'thrill of the chase'. Tony is 100% right in what he says that when men are habitual 'chasers', unfortunately, the wife often looks at herself to see, what, if anything she could've done to prevent him looking in the first instance. I actually feel rather sorry for your hubby in that, through his actions he's lost a good marriage. Hopefully, you'll come through this unfortunate ordeal, with little emotional scarring. I think, no matter who your hubby partners, he's going to continue his behaviour, because it's almost like an addiction. That's also sad, when you think about it. He had everything, now he has nothing.

Take care of yourself, hopefully one day you'll meet Mr right. You have a lot of love to give to the right person.

Lynda.

Trust issues

KDAWGS — Sat, 09 Apr 2016 21:23:32 GMT

Boy sounds like we are going through a very similar thing...He moved out 3 weeks ago but pops back home now and then for work things and to see the kids. I am at the moment at my parents for holidyas with the kids and i know already we dont want to go home...they're on the Gold Coast..

By reading WhiteKnights reply, it has confirmed for me that my husband is never going to chang , a fact i know but this confirms my thoughts/feelings too. I have put up with his "friends" for so many years and simply do not want to go through this again. What makes it hard is i do still have feelings for him & the caring side of me wants to help him & not hurt him but i know i am going to be the one (as usual) who gets hurt if I don't change things for me.

I am sure there are good, trustworthy, loving men out there for us.... We'll need to hunt a little harder for them hey....

I am happy you are able to talkkto your dad about this too. Mine unfortunately wouldn't be much help as he was a cheater once.....

Hang in there, this WILL get better.