topic Son & his family want to stay with us until he finds another house. Worried about how to deal with this given our situation. in Relationship and family issues

Son & his family want to stay with us until he finds another house. Worried about how to deal with this given our situation.

Elizabeth CP — Wed, 30 Mar 2016 03:19:40 GMT

As discussed on other threads I have been struggling with anxiety, depression & exhaustion while caring for my husband who is blind & has a chronic illness which has led to frequent episodes of illness. In desperation I rang for help last week & arranged for a carer to assist so I could go away for a couple of days on a family camp over Easter. Unfortunately I developed a stomach bug so haven't been well since coming home on Sunday so fatigue is still a major problem. My husband has gone away for 5 nights with MDA & I promised I would try to rest & recover while he is away.

Today my son rang to say they had to move out of their house on Friday & have nowhere to live so can they stay with us. We downsized a few years ago due to my husband's condition so there is little room for 2 adults & a 2yr old & 11mth old. I feel like I'm in a no win situation. If I say no they have nowhere to live so I'm a terrible parent. My son also has a history of depression & has only recently started work again after a long period of being too unwell to work & being suicidal. If I agree to have them I can't rely on them to stick to any agreements. DIL is good at promising but never follows through. I find her very stressful. She yells at her son frequently which I find upsetting. They are both very messy & I would find it hard to prepare meals due to her mess. Having them here will also make it impossible to keep the house in a suitable state to ensure my husband's safety given his blindness. Tiredness tends to lead to my husband becoming ill putting extra pressure on me. I don't know what to do.

Son & his family want to stay with us until he finds another house. Worried about how to deal with this given our situation.

pipsy — Wed, 30 Mar 2016 04:07:23 GMT

Dear Elizabeth. Lynda is my name. I think under the circumstances, I would be inclined to tell your son, kindly, but honestly, that 'no, staying with you and dad is not an option because of your father's condition'. You don't need to go into lengthy details as to why it's not an option. If son asks, explain, truthfully that you have your hands full with his dad, and neither of you could take the added stress of another family. Also, explain that you honestly don't have the room. Perhaps getting a caravan might be another option for son, DIL to consider. Could you put a c'van on your property, do you have the room for a c'van? Sometimes, we have to say no to our kids in order to preserve our sanity. Looking at the overall picture, saying 'no', now stops any further discussion on the topic. If the c'van idea is not an option, don't even discuss it. It was just a thought on my part.

Son & his family want to stay with us until he finds another house. Worried about how to deal with this given our situation.

Elizabeth CP — Wed, 30 Mar 2016 05:17:35 GMT

Thank you Lynda I want to say no but I'm worried about the consequences & dealing with the guilt feelings. I'm unsure how a caravan would work. I wish I could get the courage to say no

Son & his family want to stay with us until he finds another house. Worried about how to deal with this given our situation.

Starwolf — Wed, 30 Mar 2016 05:45:32 GMT

Hi Elizabeth,

Sorry you haven't been feeling well and missed out on your Easter family camp. I hope you still can get a bit of much needed R & R.

I agree with Pipsy. Having another family under your roof is the very last thing you need at the moment. Having to look after yourself and your husband in already difficult circumstances has nothing to do with being a "terrible parent". You seem aware that nothing good could come out of this situation. You know your resources have been stretched to the limit as it is. Going beyond would put everyone concerned in the danger zone. This could well be the proverbial straw...

Sometimes, we all have to say no to our children. Depending on the situation, it is part and parcel of wise parenting and also of salvaging our own sanity. You are already doing a stressful carer's job and don't have the space to take on another family. Your son should understand the logistics of your situation and accept the fact that there's just so much you can ask of people.

I wish you all the best. My thoughts are with you.

Son & his family want to stay with us until he finds another house. Worried about how to deal with this given our situation.

pipsy — Wed, 30 Mar 2016 06:06:49 GMT

Hi Elizabeth. I feel that the guilt you're experiencing at the thought of saying 'no' is nothing compared to the tiredness you're going to feel by having them come. If they react angrily, sorry, but that's their problem. They should've had something lined up if they knew they were moving. Kids are extremely good at making mum and dad feel guilty even when they know 'no' is the answer. I have 2 grown up kids, much as I love them, the thought of having them live with me is horrifying. Mine are both married with families, as I said, I love them dearly, would lay down my life for them, but their lifestyle is world's apart for mine. To overcome the guilt you're feeling, explain that dad has sleepless nights, coughing fits. Let them know he would keep them awake and this doesn't make for a 'happy family life'. You have a small house, overcrowding is not good for health reasons either. Your son is being the selfish one here, not you, Starwolf is right.

Son & his family want to stay with us until he finds another house. Worried about how to deal with this given our situation.

Elizabeth CP — Thu, 31 Mar 2016 04:33:52 GMT

I don't feel I have any option. My DIL rang to thank me for letting them stay & I didn't have the courage to say she couldn't. She made all her usual promises of keeping everything tidy & helping with the cooking & housework. She even offered to pay board. Pity her good intentions won't last in practice. I rang my older son who was sympathetic but agreed I had no choice & then reminded me not to plan any holidays to escape because that would cause even more problems. If I went away they would take over the house & it would be impossible to get under control again once I returned. My son offered me the use of his house to escape during the day when I need. I have a key & his wife & kids will be out during the day most of the time.

Son & his family want to stay with us until he finds another house. Worried about how to deal with this given our situation.

JessF — Thu, 31 Mar 2016 05:10:50 GMT

Elizabeth I am confused... at what point did you say yes? Did you DIL just ring up and saying thank you for letting us stay when she knew full well that you hadn't actually said yes yet? If so that is infuriating and selfish.

And as for your eldest son... what business is any of this of his?

It is still possible for you to say no.

What does your husband think about all this?

Son & his family want to stay with us until he finds another house. Worried about how to deal with this given our situation.

JessF — Thu, 31 Mar 2016 05:19:08 GMT

If your eldest son is offering you a key to "escape" to his house, then why isn't he opening his doors to his brother and family?

Son & his family want to stay with us until he finds another house. Worried about how to deal with this given our situation.

White_Rose — Thu, 31 Mar 2016 05:24:01 GMT

I do agree with Jess. What right does DIL have to make that assumption, or your son if he told her it was OK. Elizabeth, I do worry what will happen if your son and family move in.

If you really feel you have no option, at least mitigate this by making them hire a caravan. You can insist they stay in it and only come into your home when they are invited. It makes me so cross when someone just assumes they have the right to mess up the lives of other people.

I would expect your older son would have said he would tell them they could not stay with you but maybe he was afraid he would have to house them.

Look, the babies are going to cry, that's what babies do. Your husband is going to be made more unwell by the tension and confusion in the house. Please, pluck up your courage and tell them no. On second thoughts I believe even the caravan solution would not work.

We are all holding your hand here. I know it will be difficult by please say no. And if you really feel you cannot say yes, then charge them a proper rent and insist it is paid every week.

Oh my word, I am getting almost as anxious as you. Can you say no just to relieve my feelings? lol.

Mary

Son & his family want to stay with us until he finds another house. Worried about how to deal with this given our situation.

pipsy — Thu, 31 Mar 2016 05:25:24 GMT

Elizabeth. I agree totally 100% with Jess on this one. To have son, DIL and g'children to stay now is totally out of the question. Your eldest son has absolutely no say in who stays and who doesn't stay. My brother used to try to pull these guilt trips on me. I wanted my mum to come over from N.Z when I married 26 years ago. I offered to let her stay with us, rent free. All she had to do was pay her own way over. My brother jumped on the bandwagon demanding I foot the fare over as well as having her stay. Needless to say, she did not come for the wedding. It's YOUR home, with your sick hubby to look after, your own health is not good. Tell your son, firmly, but gently, it's just NOT possible, nor practical for them to come. Stand firm on this, if you don't, you'll lose any hope of peace. As I said earlier, sometimes we have to be firm with kids. I know you love them, but they're taking advantage. If they get angry over this, it's really their problem, they should've lined something up when they knew they would be moving. They would've had notice to move, this is not something that's just happened. They're trying to make you feel guilty, don't accept it. What happens if you do go to your other son's to 'escape' what about your husband. Why can't son, DIL and g'children go to his brother? Think of your health, your husband's health. Maybe discuss with hubby, but I would say no way.

Son & his family want to stay with us until he finds another house. Worried about how to deal with this given our situation.

Elizabeth CP — Thu, 31 Mar 2016 06:17:18 GMT

My older son's wife would leave if her SIL came to stay & they have no spare room. I haven't told ny husband yet as he is away with MDA to give me some respite!!! I tried ringing re crisis accommodation for homeless people but they can't provide any advice to me. I wouldn't mind so much if it were any of the other children but they would never get into this situation. I think I'm trying to bury my head in the sand hoping it will go away as I can't cope any other way.

Son & his family want to stay with us until he finds another house. Worried about how to deal with this given our situation.

pipsy — Thu, 31 Mar 2016 06:40:33 GMT

Hi Elizabeth, this situation is not going to resolve itself. You're going to have to 'come out fighting'. Your son and DIL are grown adults, it's up to them to get themselves out of this situation. If you didn't have the house, they'd have to. Just tell them straight out, it's not convenient. Okay, they may bluster, rage, etc, that's their problem. Don't take their problem on, it's theirs. You have enough to contend with. How long is your hubby away? About 12 years ago, my ex's two sons, their wives and one g'child landed on our doorstep. We knew they were coming, we only had 3 bedrooms (small at that). They were there 2 of the longest weeks of our life. Because my ex hadn't seen them for over 20 years, we accepted the situation. Luckily, the eldest DIL realised how cramped we were and said if they came again, they wouldn't expect us to put them up. Both my ex and I agreed never again, and, on that, we have agreed. Even though we are now separated, I know he would never have anyone stay with him again. Your son really should know better, does he realise how sick his father is? Maybe a note from a Dr advising against, might save the day. Your Dr knows the situation, see if you can get him to help. Tell your son the Dr advised against.

Son & his family want to stay with us until he finds another house. Worried about how to deal with this given our situation.

Guest_1055 — Thu, 31 Mar 2016 06:49:33 GMT

Hugs to you Elizabeth.....

I was just reading your thread. Yes sometimes it is hard to say no. It has something to do with boundaries or something. Do you think it will take a while for them to find another house?

Anyway my mum and dad allowed my brother and his wife to live in their garage, while my brother built his house. I am pretty sure it worked out. They had privacy as well as there own separate space. My brother just used his own furniture and stuff. So he didn't have to pay for storage or anything. Anyway they made the garage into almost like a little granny flat. They cooked there meals as well in the garage, using portable appliances.

Would this be an option Elizabeth? Do you have a garage?

Much love

Shell xx

Son & his family want to stay with us until he finds another house. Worried about how to deal with this given our situation.

Elizabeth CP — Thu, 31 Mar 2016 08:08:02 GMT

The garage is not really suitable. It isn't well sealed & the floor slopes. There isn't much room & I don't want to do anything to encourage them to stay longer than absolutely necessary. We actually chose a small house when we moved to ensure they couldn't fit as we were concerned that this might happen. My concern is if I say no this could tip my son over the edge as he has only just recovered enough to be able to work. He has a history of depression & can become suicidal. This would make me even more stressed.

Son & his family want to stay with us until he finds another house. Worried about how to deal with this given our situation.

pipsy — Thu, 31 Mar 2016 23:09:47 GMT

Hi Elizabeth. Sorry if this sounds hard. Your sons mental state is not your concern, it's his wife's concern. It sounds as though they're pushing all the emotional buttons here, stick to your guns. If your son goes downhill, advise him to see his Dr for referral to a psych. You need to look after you and hubby. Your son is a grown man with wife and children, I know it's hard when mental health issues are involved, but your and hubby's health are more your concern. It sounds as though your son doesn't care about your state of health either. I'm really sorry for your predicament, but 'tough love' is what's needed here. Why can't they see a real estate agent about temporary renting, there are 100's of options open to them. They seem to be looking for the 'easy' way out.

Son & his family want to stay with us until he finds another house. Worried about how to deal with this given our situation.

Starwolf — Thu, 31 Mar 2016 23:28:15 GMT

All the advice you are receiving here points in the same direction. I agree with Pipsy, you are being considered the easy way out and being taken advantage off. In spite of all warning signs and advice, it is entirely up to you whether you let it happen or make a tough but wise decision.

No one can do this for you but we're here for you.

Son & his family want to stay with us until he finds another house. Worried about how to deal with this given our situation.

Elizabeth CP — Fri, 01 Apr 2016 02:48:55 GMT

I wish I could say I disagreed with all your advice. I appreciate your thoughts & support. It helps knowing others believe I'm not being unreasonable or selfish feeling like I do. I don't feel like I could cope with the consequences of saying no. I'm currently coping by burying my head in the sand as much as possible to give myself some respite before they come. I think they are staying elsewhere over the weekend. I'm planning to not make it too comfortable for them to stay longer than absolutely necessary. I will need every bit of strength to be able to stand up for my rights once she arrives. I tend to avoid confrontations with her because it is too distressing & it is impossible for me to speak to my son without her butting in. I will speak to my psychologist to get some help working out suitable strategies to deal with things. He understands what she is like.

Son & his family want to stay with us until he finds another house. Worried about how to deal with this given our situation.

JessF — Fri, 01 Apr 2016 03:20:38 GMT

Elizabeth, I'm not sure that the consequences of saying no are actually tangible. The only consequence you've been able to list is that your son might (might) have his mental health negatively impacted. But as Pipsy has said, you aren't responsible for this. It's clear from your post above that they have other accomodation options open to them, so you can't even take responsibility for 'turning them out in the street'.

On the other hand, the consequences of saying yes are littered throughout this thread, in fact, they were the whole purpose of your original post.

Burying your head in the sand will not solve this problem. It's not respite, it's avoidance. You could solve all this with a single phone call, but you appear to have made your decision.

It's good that you will be talking to your psychologist. It may be worth asking... and I really hope you take this in the spirit it is intended... about 'martyr complex'. I was this person in my family for many years, the person who never said no and was taken advantage of. Why did I let this keep happening? I eventually realised in therapy that I was choosing to suffer because I believed it was somehow noble, I had such low self-esteem that I could only feel worthy by sacrificing myself for others. I couldn't live with the drama, but I couldn't see what I was worth without it.

Every time you fail to say no and set boundaries, I believe you are feeding this beast.

Son & his family want to stay with us until he finds another house. Worried about how to deal with this given our situation.

Elizabeth CP — Fri, 01 Apr 2016 03:52:19 GMT

They told me they had no other options for accommodation. They told me they couldn't stay with her parents because her 2 year old upsets her brother who is autistic but they are staying there for the weekend. I am unsure how that is working. None of my other children are willing or able to accommodate them. It is easy for others to tell me to say 'no' but I need to come up with alternative suggestion to make because otherwise they have nowhere to go. Her mother is caring for a disabled husband & 2 disabled children/adults. I am trying to deal with a bad situation in the only way I feel able.

I need strategies to cope rather than being made to feel it is my fault because I'm not doing what others think I should do. I feel bad enough about myself without being made to feel worse. I know people are trying to help but it is now pulling me down.

Son & his family want to stay with us until he finds another house. Worried about how to deal with this given our situation.

Starwolf — Fri, 01 Apr 2016 04:20:37 GMT

Sorry all the advice is making you feel bad. It never intended to.

Your first post on this thread lists all the negatives that you fear would come out of your acceptance to help. Your other thread let us know that you are at the end of your tether and needing respite. Forgive us if our concern for your wellbeing only makes you feel worse.

I understand that at the moment you do not have the inner resources to say "no". It is not your fault. That's just the way it is , no blame attached to it. But please understand our confusion. If your decision is made and the situation is a given...what is the purpose of your thread ? What kind of support are you after ? What can we do for you ?