topic Anxiety and Depression in Relationship - Love or Not? in Relationship and family issues

Anxiety and Depression in Relationship - Love or Not?

Scared_and_Confused — Fri, 29 Jan 2016 02:48:48 GMT

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 9 months. The first few weeks of getting together I can only describe as bliss, and I was the happiest I had felt in a long time. I would get excited to see him. I couldn't stop smiling and everything that comes with being in a new relationship you really like and begin to really love.

After the first two weeks of officially getting together though, something happened. I was at work one day and in the morning I thought that I was really falling in love with him and it made me very happy to think. However later that day when things were quiet I started to question: "Is this really what love is?" "Is this love or lust?" "Is it wrong to think like this?" Then I couldn't get these questions off my mind. I resorted to Google at the time and read horrible things like 'If you're questioning love then you're not in love.' and I started to freak out. I started to talk to my Mum and she's been helping me through it all but nothing she says really sinks in, and I still have these thoughts and question why I am having these thoughts. For the first month I woke up early mornings and unable to sleep. I was somehow able to get through this in time.

My boyfriend knew something was up and he has been my rock and trying his best to support me through this too. However up until recently he said he cannot cope anymore because nothing is sinking in.

I'm now really struggling with my thoughts. I'm waking up in the morning feeling sick again like I did a long time ago and it immediately makes me think about the relationship. My palms are always sweaty and my head is always feeling fuzzy. I have thoughts racing through my head every single day and I am always tired.

I am on medication.

I'm upset and I can't relax and I cannot just accept that everything in my mind is anxiety. I keep trying but unable to switch off. I have been told by my councilor that I have sever anxiety (with ODC tendencies), and by my psych that I have Depression and going through something called anhedonia.

My thoughts recently that I have to break up with him have been in my head and it's making me panic and cry all the time. My chest hurts, I cant breathe and sometimes feel like throwing up. I cant concentrate at work and have no motivation to do anything I used to enjoy doing.

Anxiety and Depression in Relationship - Love or Not?

PuzzlePup — Fri, 29 Jan 2016 05:23:51 GMT

Have you spoken to your boyfriend about how you are feeling and your condition?

Anxiety and Depression in Relationship - Love or Not?

Scared_and_Confused — Fri, 29 Jan 2016 05:35:46 GMT

Yes, he knows basically everything since the beginning. He reassured me that I could talk to him as much as I needed as he knows what it's like having depression and anxiety. However I have leaned on him too much that he has told me that he needs a break from my anxiety.

We are still talking like normal. I'm doing the best I can to not talk to him about my thoughts and it is actually tough because he has been through all of this with me so far.

Anxiety and Depression in Relationship - Love or Not?

PuzzlePup — Fri, 29 Jan 2016 05:49:36 GMT

I think the first thing is to look after yourself and get yourself well again. I felt very alone when I had anxiety and depression. I basically had to take control of my situation and fix it myself. For me, no one cared, no one else was interested, no one really understood.

It's tough for some one who has a partner anxiety. Men like to fix things and it sounds like he's getting frustrated that he can't 'fix' you. Have you tried talking to a counselor? I found a wonderful doctor on this site. Fix you first then every else will follow

Anxiety and Depression in Relationship - Love or Not?

Scared_and_Confused — Fri, 29 Jan 2016 06:18:09 GMT

I've tried talking to a counselor but I just feel like I'm being told the same thing over and over. Bless the lady she tries to help me by saying that my thoughts are all normal, and showing me breathing exercises but I want to know why I'm having thoughts that cause me so much distress.

The thoughts snowballed from the beginning. It went from "Do I love him? How do I know for sure?" to now "I know I love him, I know I don't want to lose him and cant be without him but why am I thinking that I should or want to break up?" - This thought now makes me cry and I begin to feel tight chested, fuzzy head, feeling sick to the stomach and a lump in my throat.

Every time I had been with him and talk to him, I would always cry because I didn't know how to stop these "do i love him" thoughts and knew they weren't true. There have been many times where he seemed like he would break up with me and I would just freak out and cry more, because I am scared to lose him and not being able to be with him.

From the beginning I always thought that having these thoughts were wrong, and that they meant something. But I was so happy and in love with my boyfriend and I became scared of my thoughts.

There have also been moments where I feel a burst of warmth and I know everything will be okay, and that everything I am going through is anxiety. I could be with him laying in his arms and think to myself that 'this is where I belong.' I also have visions of the future with him in it and I smile. Sometimes I just feel good and I tell him at that moment that I'm feeling really good.

Unfortunately they don't last long because of my thoughts.

I know I love him, he is an amazing person and we have so much in common. We listens to me, we laugh together, enjoy each others company and he makes me feel safe. I love falling asleep and waking up next to him. There is so many things. I just wish I knew how to get past this anxiety so I can give more to the relationship and be my happy self again like I was before these thoughts even started.

I know none of this is happening because of him. He hasn't done a thing to make me think otherwise.

Anxiety and Depression in Relationship - Love or Not?

Feelinblu — Fri, 29 Jan 2016 12:39:48 GMT

Hi Sad and Confused

Firstly, I would say that when we are feeling anxiety we automatically exaggerate small problems and even invent problems that arn't there, so it would make sense that you do everything you can to try to reduce the anxiety first.

Secondly your distressing thoughts may be an unconscious fear of being alone. If you know in your heart of hearts that no matter what happens with your relationship you will be ok (which you absolutely will be) then this may help.

You do not have to make any decisions, just trust that 'what will be will be' and go with it.

Hope this helps a bit X

Anxiety and Depression in Relationship - Love or Not?

Smithsons — Fri, 29 Jan 2016 21:23:27 GMT

Hey there,

I am so, so sorry to hear about this stressful time you are going through. I don't know if I'm gonna be much in help in telling u what I have to say, but, you are not alone. In fact, I'm going through the very same thing. Thoughts and voices in my head would try and convince me, after 6 years of dating my girlfriend (who is my everything), that I didn't love her, that I'm not attracted to her. A voice would tell me This obviously means it isn't working anymore... you should break up with her, but I knew this was never the right thing to do, coz every time breaking up occurred to me, I'd simply cry and experience mini panic attacks. It'd get so crazy that sometimes if I saw another girl I knew that I found attractive, my mind would hurriedly convince me that I'm falling for that person, and therefore falling out of love with my girlfriend.

These thoughts can get pretty scary and possessive, I know.. and when these thoughts aren't coursing through our brains (which is rare) we seem to realise wow, none of that stuff I was panicking about is true, of course I love her, of course I'm attracted to her, OF COURSE I'm not falling for the other girl. That's for me anyways.. And every time I experience these moments of clarity, I tell myself, it's your anxiety, don't believe what it has to tell u. But I know exactly what u mean by it being hard to simply flick a switch on the things your brain thinks up.

I am really sorry that I can't offer any advice to u about how to help this situation, I definitely know how dark and stressful it can all get.

Hang in there,

you are not alone.

Smithsons.

Anxiety and Depression in Relationship - Love or Not?

Scared_and_Confused — Fri, 29 Jan 2016 23:34:05 GMT

Hi Feelinblu,

I'm not sure what the fear is. However I know for certain that I don't want to lose him because of my anxiety. The day I thought about breaking up at first, I thought maybe it would be better off for him even though I knew that I would not be happy with it and wouldn't cope well at all. I feel so terrible to put him through my troubles and thought it would be best for him, not so much for me.

I spoke to someone yesterday that went through the same thing and has gotten through this particular type of anxiety. I explained to her how I feel when these thoughts happen, the panic attacks, the pain I feel and she could also see how upset I was just talking about it.

She said that she can clearly see that I love him or else none of this would be effecting me like it has been. That I have to keep fighting. That sometimes these thoughts seem real but that is what the disease does to us.

She and others I have spoken to believe it was my previous relationship. That I never had closure. Even if I was the one to end it. That I was emotionally and mentally abused for 5 years.

My last relationship was my first and lasted 5 years. He was very controlling however I never really realized. Anytime I felt happy in the relationship, he would come out and say everything was wrong and I was doing something bad which I didn't know was wrong. I always did the best I can to 'fix' things. But whenever I would start to feel happy again, something was wrong. He never really spoke nice to me. We only saw each other on the weekends. He basically made me feel like an option - that I was there whenever he wanted.

I came to him two months before the split and for the first time I said I was unhappy and things needed to change. He did okay for two weeks before again turning it on me, making me feel like I had to fix it again.

I ended up breaking up with him but he kept sticking around and always would say I made the wrong choice, and would make me feel so guilty and making sure i knew HOW HURT AND ANGRY he was. He stopped talking to me after I got together with my current boyfriend.

The time between these relationships would have been about 6 months, but I couldn't help but feel the way I did about my current boyfriend and felt ready to be with him, that's how happy I was. I know that if I wasn't ready I would have kept waiting.

Anxiety and Depression in Relationship - Love or Not?

Scared_and_Confused — Fri, 29 Jan 2016 23:43:56 GMT

Hi Smithsons,

I'm sorry to hear that you're experiencing this too.

I get those moments of clarity too, and I think the same thing that this is all only just anxiety and i'm so stressed out - but everything will be okay. But it still doesn't stop the thoughts coming.

I love my boyfriend so much. I know I don't want to lose him. Even with the thoughts sometimes like 'I don't love him' or 'break up' I can just feel everything in myself disagreeing with the thoughts, that I KNOW that's not what I want or feel, and I cry because I become confused.

I sometimes get scared that it isn't the anxiety talking or generating these thoughts. Sometimes I think "What if these thoughts are true and i'm anxious because i'm trying to tell myself they're not true?" but I feel that if I really didn't love him, I would know and I would walk away (like i did in my previous relationship). That if I wanted to break up, that I would break up. I wouldn't be going through any of this.

I feel that if these thoughts were real, then I wouldn't have such a fuzzy head that feels like its going to explode, that I wouldn't be going through all these panic attacks and crying so much and feeling my chest hurt as much as it does.

Anxiety and Depression in Relationship - Love or Not?

Feelinblu — Sat, 30 Jan 2016 00:46:31 GMT

Believe me I know how distressing these thoughts can be. But like me it also sounds as though you are very hard on yourself. You use terms such as needing 'to fix it' and 'being terrible to put him through my troubles'

Herein probably lies the problem. It is not him or your relationship that you need to worry about, but focus on you, what you need right now.

If you are down and anxious then your boyfriend needs to accept that and support you. Don't feel guilty about it, he has to accept all of you good and bad. If you need to talk through it with him for hours then so be it. If he can't accept that, it is his problem not yours. He will respect you more if you you respect yourself first.

Please believe me when I say you are much stronger than you think. Do nice things for yourself that make you feel good about yourself.

Take care X

Anxiety and Depression in Relationship - Love or Not?

Guest_51B6E3AB — Thu, 08 Dec 2016 09:46:24 GMT

Scared and Confused and Smithsons, I read your post and it was like it was coming from my own head. I am right in the middle of feeling like you have described and it has given me unimaginable comfort to read your story. Thank you for being brave and speaking out. Thank you for giving me hope and optimism.

I hope we all find some comfort in sharing our stories, but most of all I hope we all find a way to manage what at times feels overwhelmingly impossible. I never thought I would join a forum like this until tonight. I got home from work and felt so hopeless at my thoughts that I didn't know how to cope or what to do. Thankyou for bringing me comfort, at a time when I truly didn't think anything could help.

MANY thanks

Anxiety and Depression in Relationship - Love or Not?

FeelslikeROCD — Wed, 22 Feb 2017 09:37:49 GMT

Just like to reiterate the thanks from Guest_30 toward Scared and Confused and Smithsons. Can completely relate to all said. Finding an article that is described in such detail and which really helps you feel not so alone in your struggles is such a treasure

I'm a guy, 33, and have just had my first full encounter with anxiety beginning about 2 1/2 months back. It's all about thoughts relating to whether or not I like my girlfriend. Seems weird that I would get so distressed, anxious and perhaps above all, confused about feeljng convinced that I had to break up with with someone I'd only been seeing for a couple of months. And I suppose that's why I decided it didn't feel right and tried a therapist for the first time in my life

My thoughts are almost identical to those described in posts above, but I'll add a few of my own none the less. Doubts about my feelings toward my girlfriend. Maybe I'm not really into her, I'm wasting her time. I'm just going to hurt her, and because I'm empathetic and care about her, then it'll hurt us both. And yet all evidence points to the contrary: I do like her. I'm always making plans to hang out and enjoying it when we do. I admire her, respect her, enjoy her company, have excellent sexual chemistry with her. None of this is supposed to suggest that it's perfect - rather that it's awesome, and doesn't fit the bill for something I'd want to end

I get anxiety attacks when I have these serious doubts and feel maybe I'm going to lose her to my very strong thoughts that I should break up with her. I have to quickly find a private place in my sharehouse, such as my room, to pant loudly and sob. The thoughts become unstoppable

Again, seems strange to get so upset about the prospect of losing someone you've only recently met, and with whome you're not even in love with yet right? Yet that may be the reason it sucks so bad: I'm sad about losing her, but also realising this would probably happen with anyone I was with

It's early days in my battle. My therapist gave mixed results, helping me with managing anxiety on the one hand suggesting mindfulness etc, but perhaps not really getting, or believing that I actually like my girlfriend. And this really didn't help. I'm hoping to find another who understands

Because the notion of anxiety is so new to me, it can get so easy to doubt some days, and I think I'm just being weak and stupid and need to face up and break up. Then the cycle of confusion and anxiety repeats

Best of guys

Anxiety and Depression in Relationship - Love or Not?

em_ilyxx — Wed, 03 May 2017 08:02:17 GMT

I hope that atleast one of you are still active on this forum. I couldn't believe how much this post resognated with me. I feel like I am going crazy.

i too had gotten out of a 4 year year relationship and even though I planned to stay single for as long as I could, 8 months later I met my current boyfriend. We have been together for 7 months. When we first met it was that absolute bliss you speak about, however shortly after I noticed I was comparing every little detail to my ex boyfriend. Down to how he dressed and how he spoke. It was awful.

It continued and after a few traumatic experiences I've gotten into an absolute anxious and panicked state where my anxiety is telling me I need to break up with my boyfriend. But then when I think about it, I feel even worse and conflicted. My boyfriend is everything I wanted that my ex couldn't or wouldn't give me. The only thing is I don't have that intense feeling with him like I did my ex (probably because the relationship was so up and down and he would leave me all the time so I believe I got obsessed with the Highs when he was actually amazing). I planned my entire life with my ex and we lived as if we were married... despite getting exactly what I wanted with someone else it still doesn't compare to the feelings I had with my ex. I believe this is what is making me feel so anxious. I also don't want to talk to anyone because if I say I feel sick or like I have a gut feeling the first thing google or anyone else will tell me is to leave my current relationship- BUT I DONT WANT TOO! It's so insane.. I want to be with my partner all the time because I feel safe and have that normality with him but when I'm alone, the anxious thoughts tel me I need to break up with him because I don't feel as intensely as I did before! How did you guys end up? Please tell me it has improved?

Anxiety and Depression in Relationship - Love or Not?

Peart — Fri, 05 May 2017 05:23:15 GMT

Hi there,

I understand what you feel. I too suffer from severe anxiety and depression and it's been driving me crazy. It's like a little devil pinpointing out all the bad things about my boyfriend and talking me into breaking up when he's not there, even though there's nothing I could ask more from him. But when he's there I feel whole and normal again. I think the important thing here is that you need to externalise your thoughts. Try to seperate the depression/anxiety talking and yourself. Don't compare yourself to the last relationship because that just makes you cling on to the past. Maybe talk to your boyfriend about your situation so he'd understand if there were anytime you were not yourself, so he can hopefully understand and calm you down.

What I say may sound cliche but it works. It works for me and hopefully it'll work for you too. I'm still battling with depression and anxiety and it seems to take forever but again, communication is the key.

Anxiety and Depression in Relationship - Love or Not?

Lukeyluke — Tue, 16 May 2017 23:39:13 GMT

Hi,

ive been going through the exact same thing! I've been married for 4 years, and about 7 weeks ago I was laying in bed next to my wife while she slept.. I was watching Netflix and then out of no where... a thought in my head "what if I don't love her" and then instant anxiety and feeling sick.. I've gone through anxciety and she has been my rock for so long, I told her what was happening in my head and she is very supportive saying we will get through this.. I have been off work for 2 and / half weeks I'm a disability support work so very mental draining.

we booked into see a doctor as I started to go into crisis mode aka panic attacks, she said that I'm suffering from depression and anxiety and put me on medication it's been 2 weeks since I have started that. We went to see a therapist I had 2 sessions but did not feel very comfortable talking with him.. I guess all I wanted to hear from him is that this is normal people go through this.. instead he would asks well what would you do if you could not love again.. I just found these sort of questions not very helpful.. I have just started to see a cognitive behavioural theripist so I am hoping I can get tools that I can work with to help me through it..

reading these post do give me a little piece of mind.. but it's just so hard! I'm hoping to read some success stories hear.

Anxiety and Depression in Relationship - Love or Not?

crystalanne224 — Tue, 23 May 2017 04:45:08 GMT

This is Happening to me currently, how do you cope xx

Anxiety and Depression in Relationship - Love or Not?

Lukeyluke — Wed, 24 May 2017 12:21:25 GMT

Very hard but fighting through it.. I think the best thing I have heard is that these thoughts are completely normal with depression/anxiety.

Anxiety and Depression in Relationship - Love or Not?

Mariemarie — Wed, 12 Jul 2017 00:49:08 GMT

Hi, this reply is very late but I have been through similar so I thought Id respond. it seems like you really do want to be with your boyfriend that's why it's causing you so much upset. I think you're just going through a stage of unhappiness but it will pass. I've felt the same way before. Don't give up on your relationship. maybe have a week or 2 break from your partner to get your head together. This usually helps at times like this. It will help you concentrate on yourself and the way you are feeling and maybe deal with it. Then come back together with clearer minds. I don't think you anyone should give up on there relationship until they know for sure there is nothing there to keep them together. All relationships have there seasons, ups and downs and it may seem like you are unsure At this time but if you love him or think you do or think you did before then it's worth fighting for and holding on for better times. Sometimes People give up on relationships too easily because they think that what they are experiencing right now will be forever but it wont. There will always be ups and downs in a relationship and we shouldn't give up on the current relationship until we are sure it's not what we want because we would just end up in the same situation with another partner in the future. In the long run your partner may go through a down time as well but it will always go away. Sometimes it will just take some time. Don't give up because this season is tougher than the last. Get through this season and see what the next has in store for you. Your partner sounds understanding which means he wants to try and he loves you.

Anxiety and Depression in Relationship - Love or Not?

Mariemarie — Wed, 12 Jul 2017 00:50:45 GMT

Hi, just wondering what you did to take control of your situation and did it work well?

Anxiety and Depression in Relationship - Love or Not?

Catalyst — Thu, 13 Jul 2017 15:23:02 GMT

Hey smithsons,

sorry to hear your going through a tough situation. I am going through something quite similar so I know how annoying and frustrating it can be.

i have been wanting to ask a girl out for a while (I actually am not in a relationship with her) and I needed advice from her friends becuase I was lost of what to do next. But one of her friends told me to give up and that the girl would never like me and I don't like the girl in the way I think I do. These thoughts really got to me and still do, with me being terrified whether she is right or not.

But after reading your story and your experience, I am feeling extremly optimistic and hopeful about the whole situation, so I thank you greatly for this.

Scared and Confused, I hope you can get these thoughts beaten soon enough. It is draining having these thoughts constantly going through your head, and it really does effect your day to day life.

One thing that has helped me personally is finding something to distract myself, and going out with friends. I don't know how much spare time you have with your job, but it would be worthwhile at least from my experience. And another thing that helped me was just thinking about how lucky I am to have such a person in my life. Now this one is not as helpful I think becuase it can lead to more overthinking, but just remember that you are not alone and you can pull through it. I am definitely not an expert in anyway and I am quite lost with this situation myself, but I hope I can at least provide an inkling of help. You can do it!