topic Never-ending in Relationship and family issues

Never-ending

Kbet — Mon, 30 Nov 2015 00:43:38 GMT

I am new to all of this so I hope I make some kind of sense. I feel almost daily overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of my role in my family and my life. More and more things are thrown my way and I find it difficult to function normally. I have gone through great traumas in my life and after nearly 35 years of suffering, I have only just now sought help to try and fix it. To try and fix me.

I have lost my smile and the mechanisms I used to use to help me cope with the constant stress I face. I have become numb to my existence and the world around me as a whole. I feel empty and hollow inside like my soul is missing. Like who I am as a person will never be returned to me. Nothing is important to me anymore.

How do you continue to get up in the morning to go to a job where you aren't appreciated, or home to a family that treats you as though you are invisible? How do stop the cycle of doubt and anxiety? How can you fill the emptiness when you don't know how you lost it in the first place. How do I stop the never-ending demands put on me by my loved ones to look after them, when I cant even look after myself.

Why is it that none of my family recognise that I am not alright. When they do recognise it, why do they run and hide from me like they cant face the fact that I am not who I was and I don't think I ever will be. They tell me to get over it, or that I am overreacting. I really would like to pack up and leave and never come back.

I just don't know what to do anymore its never-ending.

Never-ending

Jacko777 — Tue, 01 Dec 2015 13:17:03 GMT

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums Kbet.

I am sorry to hear you are having a tough time and I am really glad you are talking about it, perhaps this is the start in a new direction for you, you have got the ball rolling towards recovery and greater peace and happiness. Have you talked to a doctor or a professional about this? To take an effective course of action we need a proper diagnosis.

I think I can safely say that a soul does not go missing, it is there behind the chaos of the mind. Have you ever tried meditation? It brings me much calmness and it helps to train my brain to focus on the positive and off the negative. Practicing gratitude also brings me calmness and clarity, I practice being thankful for all the things in my life, even the negative parts that challenge me so I learn and grow to be a better person and that's positive. I think that if you can find some calmness you will be able to revisit what is important to you.

But mostly I think you should get some professional help to work this out, for me I could not have made a recovery without professional advice and support, some things I would never have worked out on my own. It takes work and persistence to make a recovery and it's worth it and you can do it, you can regain your happiness and loving nature and reignite your passion for your dreams and ambitions. Fill your void with love and gratitude. Lots of love to you Kbet.

'You can't change where you are overnight, but you can change what direction you are headed in, overnight.'

Jack x

Never-ending

geoff — Tue, 01 Dec 2015 21:12:20 GMT

dear Kbet, it's very important that you look after yourself, because suffering for 35 years is an enormous length of time, but erhaps by starting a family all of this was pushed to the back ground, OK I'm sure that many of us do this to establish our children, while possibly working and all the other facets that are involved in raising a life style, where we can also try and have a social life.

It all all becomes very complicated, so that's why you haven't received any treatment for how you feel, you put it off because there's too much else to concentrate on, however all these problems and concerns you have only mount up, and just add onto each other, until it begins to explode, and because your family have been growing up with you, they then believe there is nothing wrong with you.

You have to realise that now is the time that you need help, irrespective of what all the others feel that 'you have to just get over it'.

But remember all these problems have been adding up each year by facing problems with your kids and trying to handle a good outcome, this maybe so for one of your children, but you may have had to go well beyond your boundaries, so add this onto your list, and that's why now is the time to go to your doctor and then try and approach what is happening to you. Geoff. x

Never-ending

Kbet — Thu, 03 Dec 2015 03:09:59 GMT

Hi Jack,

First of all thankyou for the welcome. In answer to your first question yes I have sort out professional help. About a month ago I came to the conclusion that I couldn't function much longer the way I was going so I took myself to the GP and told him about how I was feeling. I got prescribed medication for depression and referred to a psychologist. I have since been to two sessions with her and have found it very confronting and traumatic. The walls I had erected on the hurtful moments in my life started to show signs of cracking. Slowly glimpses of memories I had once blocked started to appear. I am not sure it will be beneficial opening that "can of worms" so to speak and I am quite scared with the thought.

I love how you said "my soul isn't missing it just behind the chaos of my mind." That is so true and I had never thought of it like that. I have not tried meditation because I have never been able to slow my mind down long enough to try and relax. Its like my mind is on a never-ending loop of conscious thought even when my subconscious mind should take precedent. Any recommendations will be welcome.

My psychologist has recommended maybe some psychiatric help so hopefully that will be the next phase of my road to recovery.

Thanks for the love and the sound advice and understanding.

Love and good thoughts to you Jack.

Kbet x

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Kbet — Thu, 03 Dec 2015 03:53:07 GMT

Hi Geoff,

Thankyou for your reply. Yes 35 years is a long time. I did have a family early and I had their health and well being to care about. Now they are almost grown and my role in their life isn't as necessary anymore I have begun to feel detached from my reality. I have always done everything in my life for someone else. Always striving to live up to someone else's belief in who I should be and what I should and shouldn't be doing. Even now as an adult I have struggled with the expectations of my family and friends.

I took the time to look at myself and ask myself what I expected of me. I found I didn't even know who me was anymore. I had moulded my life over the years to what was expected of me as a wife, mother, sister, daughter, aunty, niece and friend and never really lived my life for me. Now I am at the point where I want to address what is wrong with me and how I can fix it. I want to find my smile and shape my world into how I want it to be but I will have to deal with the trauma I have suffered and hopefully not lose my family along the way.

Thankyou for your advice. I appreciate all the feedback I receive.

Warm regards

Kbet

Never-ending

Jacko777 — Thu, 03 Dec 2015 07:37:41 GMT

Thanks for the lovely replies Kbet.

You are doing great mate, persist on your road to recovery.

You don't have to wait for your mind to slow down to try meditating, in fact that is what it is for, to teach your mind to slow down. It may feel awkward, even tedious at first, but that is the point. A 'monkey mind' (we all have one) will race all over the place and that is normal, but you persist, meditation is training the mind to slow down and to focus, every bit of meditation helps no matter how annoying it feels! Meditation is not something you perfect, it is something you practice. So you keep trying, you could start on 15 minutes each day. I start with some slow breathing, not deep, 4 seconds in, 4 seconds out, I count in my head and I tell myself R E L A X on the out breath. Once nicely relaxed I just 'watch' my breath as it goes in and out, it can get quite shallow. Then the random thoughts will come and I bet they are of important subjects, I tell my self...yes that's important but right now I am meditating, I pigeon hole the thought for later, I tell my self that I am the boss of my own mind.

Do some research on meditation if you are interested, there is a lot of info out there, smilingmind.com.au is very nice and a good place to start. So it might feel pointless to meditate when your mind is flat out but in fact this the training that will slow down your mind and even your day. Talk any time, love to you.

Jack

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Jacko777 — Thu, 03 Dec 2015 07:50:22 GMT

And yes, it can be hard and sad to open that can of worms. I guess you have to weigh up the alternative. Once the worms are out it will take some time to grieve for the part of you that has suffered...but then eventually you can let it go, find some understanding about what has happened and why you feel the way you do.

What helped me as I went through recovery is ....love. Give love every moment you can and it will fill your soul with strength, give thanks for everything as it is right now. You will find new levels of peace and happiness that you never thought possible!

Jack x

Never-ending

Kbet — Wed, 09 Dec 2015 23:06:03 GMT

Hi Jack,

I am sorry it has taken me so long to respond I have been having a bad few days and I didn't want to respond while I was feeling so negative about things. I have decided that I will try meditation or at least persist with trying to calm my mind because at the moment sleeping is really difficult for me. Not only does it take ma ages to get to sleep but I am waking up 4-6 times a night so my sleep is never restful. I know this is a huge reason why I find daily life a struggle. It isn't the only reason but one of the contributing factors to having peace of mind. I appreciate the advice on meditation and I will definitely look into it.

I don't know what love is anymore. I thought I did at one stage in my life but when you have grown up not really knowing love, I have found it hard to identify. I feel so empty within my mind and my heart. I don't really care about anything any more. I am tired of working and I am tired of taking care of everyone. Sometimes I wish I could just walk away. If I only had the courage to do that, but I don't. I am stuck.

I hope this day finds you well and in good spirits.

Take care of you

Kbet x

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Kazzl — Thu, 10 Dec 2015 02:45:40 GMT

I found I didn't even know who me was anymore. I had moulded my life over the years to what was expected of me as a wife, mother, sister, daughter, aunty, niece and friend and never really lived my life for me.

Hi Kbet - this stood out for me. I'm in my 50s and this applies to soooo many women I know. What's glaring in that is the phrase 'expected of me' - not what you expected. And missing from all those roles is 'person'.

You are a person in your own right, not just defined by your relationship to others, and that 'role' is as important as any other. In my view (and experience), unless you fulfil your needs as a person (and take care of your health!) it just gets harder and harder to be all those other things.

Sorry this is a brief response because I'm at work, but I just wanted to say hi and please take care of YOU.

Kaz

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Kbet — Thu, 10 Dec 2015 05:21:07 GMT

Hey Kaz,

Thank you for your reply. I really have never been one to care about my own needs or my own health. I have been taught from a young age to always care for other people. Even if that is to the detriment of myself. I don't know how to be selfish. I don't even buy things for myself. I always ask my husband if its ok. I feel guilty getting things for me because I know that I could get things for my children or my brother or my mum that would help them more.

I don't think I have ever gotten myself anything I have really wanted and I often don't get birthday presents from my family or friends because I never really mind if they forget or don't bother. I am always the one to call or keep in touch with them. If I don't phone them I don't hear from them.

Thank you for your short but amazingly insightful response.

Have a great day and keep smiling

Kbet

Never-ending

Kazzl — Thu, 10 Dec 2015 19:43:46 GMT

Hi Kbet - doing things just for yourself isn't selfish hun, it's part of caring for yourself and acknowledging to yourself that you are worth time, money, thought, enjoyment. It's about claiming your stake in the world as an individual person who is as deserving as anyone else. And you are.

You must treat yourself well if you want others to do the same. This might sound like a silly example, but you know how they always say on planes that if there's an emergency you have to put your breathing mask on before you even help your children? It's because unless you look after yourself first, you can't take care of anyone else.

It's hard when your kids become adults and you feel like they don't need you anymore. The truth is they do and always will while they get used to the things life throws at them as adults. Some women feel that there's a hole in their lives when the kids are grown, I prefer to think of it as space. A real chance to find yourself again as just you the person.

Have a think hun - if you weren't weighed down by work and family responsibilities, what would you like to do, or even rediscover? Small things can make a huge difference. I think learning meditation is a great idea. And are there hobbies or interests you had as a young person that you've given up over the years that might be good to start again? Maybe look for a social group to join? A book club or walking group?

The thing is hun, you are not alone in feeling this way. Be open to help, and be open to your needs. And keep sharing here.

Very best wishes

Kaz

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Kbet — Mon, 14 Dec 2015 04:52:27 GMT

Hey Kaz,

This is all great advice and I would love to be able to take care of my own needs as well I just don't know where to start. I have thought about what I gave up when the kids cam along or what I used to do and those things just don't appeal to me anymore. I have spent many hours reading and enjoy it immensely but I have even stopped doing that. I find myself stuck in some way because I don't honestly know what I would really like to get into and my family keeps me so busy that I just don't ever have time for me. I know I hear you, I should make the time. It is not that I don't want to have that time to myself but I feel guilty for even thinking of my needs.

When having a discussion with my ex partner and discussing what I was now having to deal with he advised me that I needed to seek professional help. That our children didn't need to see their mother in this state with not being able to cope etc, I told him that this needs to not be about the kids and there well being.. its not about them its about me. I needed help and support from him because he has the kids every second weekend and I need for him to understand the strain I'm under. Everything I have ever done is for the safety and well being of my children and now I don't even know who I am anymore.

I thought about your post about what I would like to do if I wasn't weighed down by work and family. I have always wanted to take myself up into a mountain and live in a cabin for 6 months with no phone or internet. So I could write my book, relax and get in touch with who I am again and work out what makes me smile. I don't know if this is ever going to happen because I am married and I don't think my husband would ever want me to leave for that amount of time. I know that I would need to do that on my own to really be able to break down my mental walls and process what I am going through.

Anyway Kaz, I really appreciate all the advice and the understanding responses you have given me. Although I am not familiar with doing things for myself I am definitely going to start a list of things I might want to do and go from there.

Hope this day finds you well.

Take care

Kbet

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Kazzl — Mon, 14 Dec 2015 10:46:45 GMT

Hiya Kbet. I'm really pleased to log on tonight and see your post. I know you're really struggling hun, and trying hard to get the support you need, but I sense there is hope there too. Telling your ex that it's not about the kids, it's about you is a good step forward I think. And starting to think about what you might enjoy is also very positive.

I like the idea of making a list. I'm a list-maker. The first item on my lists is usually 'make a list', that way when I've done my list there's something I can cross off straight away! Even just starting to write down your ideas, dreams, desires, could be a good way to help you get some distance from the dailyness, and begin to clarify your thoughts and feelings.

Don't be in a big hurry though, don't pressure yourself to achieve everything at once. Keep it possible. I learnt when I was getting sober that the 'one day at a time' approach is helpful for a lot of things, not just stopping drinking. I also learnt that no-one can change your life for you, only you can do that. But we all need help to do it, and help is there.

Take care of you hun - you are so worth it.

Cheers

Kaz

And if you need it, seek professional help.

Never-ending

Kbet — Tue, 15 Dec 2015 02:56:01 GMT

Hi Kaz,

Yeah I am a list maker from way back. I like to make lists so I feel like I am achieving something even if it is getting groceries or picking up laybys and such. I just have never really written one for me and what I want to do or achieve in life, but it could definitely be something I might look into sometime soon. I don't think I will be going into anything big first up because I don't think I could process anything like that atm but I will see if I can get a few things listed at least.

I have always lived this way and have only just realised that I cant continue to do so if I want to move forward in my life. I have basically realised that my life is about everyone else and I want it to be about me for once. I feel selfish, but I know that this is what I need to do atm and I need my families support to get me through. I just hope that I haven't given so much for too long to people who will never give back to me or accept when I say I cant do these things for them anymore(I hope you know what I mean as I don't know if I explained myself properly, sorry!!)

I will be definitely seeing a psychiatrist. My psychologist thinks that I need to see one because my issues are so involved that she thinks I may need to take this further. I hope that this is something that I can achieve and follow through with. I am so scared they are going to lock me up and throw away the key.

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. I appreciate them. I hope you are well and taking care of yourself. Keep smiling.

Kbet x

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Kazzl — Thu, 17 Dec 2015 20:04:38 GMT

Hiya Kbet - just checking up on you mate. How are you going?

Kaz

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Kbet — Tue, 22 Dec 2015 03:21:03 GMT

Hi Kaz,

I am just trying to get through the next few days. I am struggling atm because I don't think I will have enough money to cover me for Christmas and I am worried because all my bills are coming in. It just seems to be getting harder and harder. I cant process anything atm and all I seems to be doing is snapping at people.

I am making myself sick with worry about everything. I just wish I knew what to do. My psychologist appointments aren't helping. I feel worse and worse every time I go there.

I hope today is treating you well.

Take Care and Merry Christmas,

Kbet