topic Lonely, Lost and feeling Lousy in Relationship and family issues

Lonely, Lost and feeling Lousy

wanted_a_simple_life — Wed, 04 May 2016 03:37:33 GMT

What do you do when your children that were your world are taken???

You sacrifice to be there for them everyday and all of a sudden you only see them for 48 hours a fortnight.

You cant just move into a relationship like other people can and if you do you feel guilty like you have shut the door to the life you wanted so much.

What do you do when they were everything and now you have so much time on your hands outside of work, you might do stuff, but it doesnt make you happy cause the kids are not part of it.

Has anyone else gone through this??

Lonely, Lost and feeling Lousy

topsy_ — Thu, 05 May 2016 08:43:13 GMT

Hello WASL,

I've just noticed your post is unanswered so I thought I would say hi.

I can't imagine what it must be like to go from seeing your children daily to only 48 hours a fortnight. Why only 48 hours? I thought sharing 50/50 or close to that was more normal these days.

When my marriage broke down, I had our 3 daughters as my ex moved away. He was free to come & visit anytime & he usually had the girls during school holidays.

We alternated Christmasses & Easters. So I can't exactly feel what you are experiencing. However, imaging if that had happened to me, I feel terror in my heart. If I hadn't had the girls I don't know what I would have done.

I think it would be normal to feel like you are grieving. Your life has a big hole in it where the kids were.

I hope it won't be long till others might reply who are walking the same path as you. In the meantime take extra special care of yourself, Lyn.

Lonely, Lost and feeling Lousy

blondguy — Thu, 05 May 2016 10:12:00 GMT

Hi Wantedasimplelife

We have talked before and good to do so again too!

I have been in the same place as you with the 48 hours per fortnight. Its a black hole. I remember and understand where you are coming from so very much.

I used to cry every Sunday night after dropping my daughter off at her mums. It was heart wrenching...

I know its not much help to you but when I split up with my ex in 1995 my daughter was 18 months old....I took her to my ex's new unit that I set up and my baby girl just cried and cried...It was awful.

I also had 10 months to go through without seeing my 18 month old as my ex said "she doesnt want to see you" I was a wreck...The family court did sort it out and 'told my ex off' and threatened her with jail if she didnt comply...Nobody won anything.

I do hope your ex gives you more than the 'generic' 2 days per fortnight

Here for you

Paul

Lonely, Lost and feeling Lousy

wanted_a_simple_life — Fri, 06 May 2016 04:24:43 GMT

Thanks Lyn, its a situation I never thought I would be in and it's really wearing me down.

Thanks Paul, I can relate to that too as Im getting better most of the time, I still have my moments from time to time. But to fill my time up will other stuff and I did marry later in life, so I spent a lot of time by my self beforehand, I just wanted to spend time with my family.

Lonely, Lost and feeling Lousy

CMF — Fri, 06 May 2016 04:39:53 GMT

Hi there,

Sorry for your sadness. How old are your children? I separated 7 years ago and ,my ex has the kids every second weekend, which suits him. I understand its a big adjustment for you, when we separated I was worried he may try and take the kids and it terrified me.

are you able to see them during the week, say have dinner with them one night a week. my ex has always done this. it doesn't need to be a hard and fast rule i.e every second weekend. can you negotiate something with your ex. the children need stability, especially in the early stages of a separation but maybe you can catch up with them for a few hours during the week. that would be a real treat for them, something to look forward to. you are always their dad, no mater what and they'll see that even though you don't live in the same house anymiore, youre always there for them and always will be.

cmf

Lonely, Lost and feeling Lousy

wanted_a_simple_life — Mon, 09 May 2016 02:13:24 GMT

Thanks CMF, my kids are 5 & 7. I do try to see them during the week too plus every second weekend.

Ive just been to see a psycologist and she says I just need to move on and heal now. Easy to say, but tough to do.

It's the time with the kids I miss which is the hard part for me. I wanted that so bad and now unless I move closer to them, will never have anything near it.

Lonely, Lost and feeling Lousy

pipsy — Mon, 09 May 2016 03:00:11 GMT

Hi W A S L. Your psych certainly wasn't very helpful or supportive with her comment. While she's right, so are you. Moving on and healing are great ideas, learning how to would be good too. You're in a bit of a catch 22 situation here. You're quite a way from your kids distance- wise, so seeing them is a bit of a drive, I remember you saying. You only see them once a fortnight, that's true - isn't it. Occasionally through the week too. Each time you see them, though it would seem extremely short like a holiday seems too short. If you were to move closer, I remember you said you would lose your job which you enjoy. Do you have any other alternatives that you can think of, that would help? You are able to converse with them as well between visits, that must also be a consolation to you. What else could you do (apart from complete custody, which I know you want)? Is there any other thing you could do to try to stay on top of this feeling of loneliness. They're still extremely young, as they get older, they will possibly opt to spend more time with you. I think, now your only choice is to try to accept the situation and enjoy your time with your kids.

I'm sorry I can't offer any solution except to say what I've said.

Lynda.

Lonely, Lost and feeling Lousy

wanted_a_simple_life — Mon, 16 May 2016 01:52:55 GMT

Thats Ok Lynda, Ive just met with my psych and she is really focusing on acceptance so I can heal.

It's still a challenge to accept it, but its out of my control so I have to now in order to get my life back somehow.

I still get annoyed to she whats she has done and continues to treat me real bad. I would never treat her like this if I did what she did. I would feel guilty as and try to make it as easy as possible.

Lonely, Lost and feeling Lousy

pipsy — Mon, 16 May 2016 03:21:26 GMT

Hi W.S.L. I'm pleased you are being given some different processes on rebuilding your life. It's hard not to feel anger/bitterness, but that really is counter-productive for your relationship with your kids. Each time you're with the kids, try to focus on them and you. Their mother shouldn't come into you and children. She's no longer part of you, the same as you are no longer in her life. If things get too bad and it starts affecting your time with your kids, is there someone who would be willing to act as go-between where you could pick the kids, up after she drops them off? That way, you and she would not have to see each other, therefore avoiding that conflict in front of them?

Lynda.

Lonely, Lost and feeling Lousy

wanted_a_simple_life — Tue, 17 May 2016 00:39:55 GMT

Thanks Lynda, Ive thought about having an in between party for changeovers, but I dont want it to affect the kids.

Im just having one of those days where I miss my family so much and Im greiving all the things we had planned for the future together. Having the girls living away from me makes me so sad today and the feeling like Ive failed them is on my mind again. Silly thoughts I know...

Lonely, Lost and feeling Lousy

pipsy — Tue, 17 May 2016 02:37:11 GMT

Hi W.S.L. Having any sort of party involving your kids is a great idea. They would probably love it. You could involve them so much, blowing up balloons, helping with 'nibbles', what a great way of interacting. They would probably talk about it for ages afterward. I'm not surprised you have days where grieving is so prevalent. Accept the grieving process for what it is. You enjoyed life with your kids 24/7, you don't have that, you're grieving. You never failed them, please never think that way. What happened between you and their mother forced you to make a decision you never wanted to make. If anything their mother failed them, you're doing everything you can to build a new life with them. That's not failing, failing is when you choose to walk away and not have any contact with them. You can still plan a future with them, you know. Everytime you see them, make plans for the time together, that's planning a future.

Lynda.

Lonely, Lost and feeling Lousy

wanted_a_simple_life — Wed, 18 May 2016 23:06:42 GMT

Thanks Lynda, there still have moments where I just want it to all go away and be back with them 24/7, it's like a bad dream that you want to wake up from.

I still feel so robbed and miss them terribly most days. Now I have to fight for what is my flesh and blood.

I would do anything for them and even though Im not as organised as thier mum, I would try my hardest if I got more custody.

Just so lost without them.....

Lonely, Lost and feeling Lousy

Apollo_Black — Thu, 19 May 2016 11:02:43 GMT

Hey WSL. I feel for you man I really do. Is there any possible way you can move close to your kids?

Lonely, Lost and feeling Lousy

wanted_a_simple_life — Fri, 20 May 2016 00:15:02 GMT

I could AB and Im considering giving up a lot to do it.

This journey is so hard and I would never wish it on anyone, not even my ex.

Only if you have gone through it, you understand what its like and the daily rollercoaster you ride of emotion.

Lonely, Lost and feeling Lousy

Apollo_Black — Fri, 20 May 2016 00:51:59 GMT

I dunno man - it's just that you seem to be grieving a lot (appropriately of course) about not having the time with your kids - and a massive barrier appears to be distance. I'd be seriously thinking about a move closer. Naturally you'd have to be guaranteed that you would have extra time with your kids, however just being closer may provide you with less mental trauma and overall be better for you long term. It sounds like you'd take a hit financially perhaps - but it may be worth the sacrifice for something so important to you

Lonely, Lost and feeling Lousy

wanted_a_simple_life — Fri, 20 May 2016 02:54:13 GMT

It's a hard decision, been living here for 35+ years and have had a great job for 15+ years.

But I do love my children and they love me. It was so selfish for her to move away and she has admitted that to friends.

She doesnt care about anyone but herself.

Lonely, Lost and feeling Lousy

Apollo_Black — Fri, 20 May 2016 03:46:01 GMT

That's such a shame she's like that. Perhaps she can be persuaded to move back closer to you then? By the sounds of it not likely though...even though she has admitted it..

Lonely, Lost and feeling Lousy

CMF — Fri, 20 May 2016 05:53:03 GMT

Hey WSL,

i feel for you. How far away exactly are you from your children as in travel time. I agree with AB if you do decide to move closer you need a guarantee of more time with your children. Besides spite is there a reason she moved where she did? Does she have family or a job there or anything? My ex has the kids every second weekend and a bit on school holidays, he's ok with that but he lives 10 minutes away and can see them anytime. It works for us as we are both flexible with the arrangement.

cmf

Lonely, Lost and feeling Lousy

Elne — Sat, 21 May 2016 13:43:03 GMT

As the kid of a father who didn't give a flying crap about me, I would strongly urge you to do whatever it takes to be with your kids! Move closer to them, for your sake but also for theirs. How wonderful that they have a parent who loves them as much as you do, but it doesn't do them any good only getting you for such limited amounts of time. Who cares if your ex was being petty in moving away, you need to think about your relationship with your kids. They are what matter at the end of the day, not money or petty fights with the ex.

Lonely, Lost and feeling Lousy

wanted_a_simple_life — Sun, 22 May 2016 23:00:20 GMT

Hi Elne, Im so sorry that you have had that experience.

I do love my kids so much and even though they live 1 hour away, would drive everyday to see them if I was allowed. But I find thier mum is petty and changes the boundaries constantly to suit her and make out that its me, but all i want is quality time with my kids.

She moved away with them for her own selfish desires and didnt really think about my relationship with the kids.

She has had affairs etc and moved away to cover them up.

I hope the kids understand one day the lengths and opposition I have gone through to be there for them.