topic Separation, then the surprises!!! in Relationship and family issues

Separation, then the surprises!!!

cracker10 — Fri, 25 Mar 2016 11:03:58 GMT

As a background, I am 43 year old male that has been married for 4 years and living with my wife for 9 years who is 41. My wife, before I met her was divorced for 4 years and had three beautiful children. They are currently aged 21,20 & 16. We had since had our own child who is now 6. We all lived together in a home we built together 6 years ago. We have had our ups and downs over the years but we had always worked through them, and I loved my wife unconditionally.

We had just returned from a family Holiday in the USA in late January 2016, when she started to turn cold on return. I confronted her about this on the Monday morning, and asked what was wrong. She stormed out of the house. Whilst on the way to work , I received a text message saying our "marriage is over". As you could imagine my day was not one of much productivity. I left early from work and was confused and upset. My wife returned home and avoided me and just simply said "we are done and i don't wan't to talk about it". I respected her wishes and did not want to make a scene in front of the kids, and went to our room for the night and she slept in the spare room.

The next morning we spoke and immediately told me that she felt unhappy for years, did not think we should have ever got married and my travel with work had not helped. I left feeling that she had just re written our history together and I was absolutely distraught. My gut started to tell me something else was wrong. There was absolutely no emotion from her as we talked.

I trust my wife, and have never had any reason to otherwise. I have always believed that if I didn't have trust in my partner that I should not be in a relationship with that person, but a few of her remarks raised hairs on the back of neck. I immediately started to check phone bills for the last 12 months, and my heart broke. I had discovered she had been texting a coworker up to 100 times a day since April15. She had an emotional affair that turned physical in July 15 and continues to seem. He is 10 years her junior.

Since separation we have been under the same roof for the kids but it has been hard. I have had trouble sleeping and eating and have been to doctors/phycologists. I know I need to detach and have had real difficulties doing so. The realisation of what she has done and how it had been done and has destroyed our relationship. Has anyone been in a similar situation?, and how did you handle it?

Separation, then the surprises!!!

blondguy — Fri, 25 Mar 2016 11:31:07 GMT

Hi Cracker

A Warm Welcome to the BB Forums and thankyou for having the courage to post too..I am Paul and will try to help you

I am so sorry that you have been treated this way. If I can cut to the chase and quote what you said about your wife's response to you "we are done and i don't wan't to talk about it" A classic red flag...I feel for you Cracker.

I have been through the same as a senior company manager and found the same 'surprise' in the phone bill...my god it hurt. I just wish my ex had the common courtesy to tell me at the time....but that never happened...her own 'new' situation was her priority...I was just an after thought....not relevant. I also see that you were told by sms....that is woeful Cracker...So was I. It seems that txting the end of a relationship is an 'easy' way out for some. Txting such a message is maybe okay for a teenager but for an adult...its not on..

Sorry cracker...you brought back some memories. Your question has no easy answer....I know you dont want to hear that right now and fair enough too...you are in a great deal of pain. If I may ask you what your doc said to you?

I had to keep busy whilst crying myself to sleep everyday and called a couple of good friends and vented...a lot!until some time passed and I could re-group...Im sorry that I have nothing else except my understanding and respect for what you have been through...

I am also sorry that your wife chose to accompany you to the US in January knowing what she had been doing last year...Not to mention the 3 wonderful children you have Cracker...This will be hard cracker....

I am still trying to get my head around how someone could do that to you......

My very kindest thoughts for you in this awful period you are in cracker.......

I admire you having the strength to post.....Here for you...

Paul

Separation, then the surprises!!!

white knight — Fri, 25 Mar 2016 17:12:10 GMT

Hi Cracker, welcome

I echo Pauls words except I haven't had such treatment. Firstly I cant believe how often we read about the cowardice ways people break news to their partners about leaving them. Surely face to face is the only decent way and privately?

What I want to discuss is your mental health. I have been in the situation of failed long term relationships three times. I'm happily married now for 5 years. Each time is just as hard as the last. Distraught is an understatement and I think you are worse than that. Your marriage is likely finished now and your words say that. So, time is your friend, realise that in time you will recover and you will need to be friendly towards your wife for the sake of your child. I purchased a small old caravan and moved into a caravan park for a while before I got myself together for a new life which resulted in me building my own home. What I found was that I was so busy I didn't focus on the sadness of it all. I had direction, a new journey and I continued to have visitations with my children. Although never ideal at least a part time dais better than no dad at all.

So gather yourself together, think logically and not with your emotions, seek a direction and accept that it will take time to heal. Also think about all the things you always wanted to do but couldn't with your wife. for me it was moving to the country, open fires in the winter, a vegie patch, some land and turning back the clock. I also decided that unless really compatible I wouldn't seek another relationship. Eventually I dated my best friend of 28 years ad we married. We already knew each other very well.

So, there is a future for you alone. And this event isn't your fault.

Tony WK

Separation, then the surprises!!!

geoff — Fri, 25 Mar 2016 19:00:10 GMT

dear Cracker, how deeply sorry I feel for you in what has been an awful display of mistrust by your wife, and I wonder if this is the reason why she got divorced before.
By her going with you o/s must have been too much for this co-worker and I would presume for her as well, because she was just taking advantage of the situation.
To be texted by her telling you that the marrige is over is disgraceful, but would certainly be a total shock for you, one that just came out of the blue, but by investigating her phone records would make you more angry and annoyed that she was doing this behind your back, behind her kids backs, because that's how I would feel.
So now she has basically disowned her children by unstabilising them once again, and who gets to look after your 6 year old, well I wouldn't trust her, because it's likely to happen again and again and this no place for a young child to live, and by living together is only going to be a temporary situation, because she can never be trusted ever again and would suggest that you tell her to move out, as painful as it maybe, but the marriage could not be reunited ever again, because it will only happen again and ypur trust with her will be zero.
In marriages we all tell white lies, have disagreements and arguments, but we have to wholeheartedly trust our spouse and when this trust is broken then so is the marriage.
I do feel for you as I feel annoyed that my wife (ex) moved in with another chap straight away, and for that I will never accept, even though I love her, but she cares for me. Geoff.

Separation, then the surprises!!!

cracker10 — Fri, 25 Mar 2016 19:58:24 GMT

Everyone thank you for your reply.

Blondguy ,

If my wife was that unhappy back in April last year, I would have thought that she would have confronted me about it,but to introduce a third wheel into the situation hurt. Then dragging everyone to the USA for the holiday...... As you can imagine, all close friends were confused and upset and still are. My friends have been the best support through this and I quickly built up a network to lean on. They have been great, but still hurts through times like Easter.

White Night,

Mentally I have good days and bad days. I am currently seeing a phycologist specialising in relationship breakdowns to help detach and move on. My Doctor initially prescribed a mild anti depressant to help get a bit of sleep. I have since come of this medication and am sleeping ok, but still do wake up with flash backs. I think for me is getting over the doubt about myself, as she has verbally made me feel that I am not good enough, and the outcomes have been my fault and I deserve nothing better. Both phycologist and doctor have hinted that I am most likely working with a NPD as other actions over the years with her has have raised more questions.

Geoff,

Trust has completely been broken between my wife and I. Unfortunately after the breakdown, and getting finances sorted for mediation, there is trail of lies and deceit leading in terms of finances. She has been squirrelling away money since August 15. We sold her old car in August. She was to place the funds from the sale as a deposit on the new car. I had no reason to believe otherwise. She placed that money and started a new term deposit in her name, which she tried to withdraw on the day of separation.

Separation, then the surprises!!!

geoff — Fri, 25 Mar 2016 21:38:17 GMT

dear Cracker, could I suggest that you talk to your psychologist about trying to prevent PTSD which could easily develop and I certainly hope that it doesn't, but it's worth discussing this issue.
We had a border a friend of our two sons who needed accommodation, so we took him in, much to my dislike because he thought he knew the answer to absolutely any topic that was raised, however my wife had said to him that she would buy a car for him when he turned 18, which I didn't know of and have only found out in the last year or so, so again she went behind my back, just like your wife, but I was already suffering from depression although that's not revelant to this conversation.
I'm so pleased that you have a close network, because that's what you need, and I'm sure they have disowned your wife. Geoff.

Separation, then the surprises!!!

blondguy — Sat, 26 Mar 2016 22:46:54 GMT

Dear Cracker

Thankyou for posting back. I do agree with you about easter too especially with your breakup being so 'raw'. I sincerely admire you having a support network of friends that are there for you. I am still in disbelief as to how you were treated. I just read what you have posted about the trail of deceit where the financials are concerned..I am so sorry that there are people amongst us without a conscious or a thread of morality. My kindest thoughts for you Cracker during the difficult and empty easter you are enduring. I do hope you find some peace soon

Paul

Separation, then the surprises!!!

Apollo_Black — Sun, 27 Mar 2016 08:28:45 GMT

Hey Cracker

just wanted to say how sorry I am to read about your situation. It's hard to see past all this trauma sometimes, with relationships, with other people's lives, with the world. It's not your fault. But somehow we get through. Somehow we can handle it. I feel for you man. Great bunch of people here. Let's stick together and help each other.

Separation, then the surprises!!!

blondguy — Sun, 27 Mar 2016 12:32:22 GMT

Hi Cracker

Just thought id see how you are traveling if thats okay.

APOLLO...."Let's stick together and help each other" I echo your thoughts/post for Cracker..

Paul

Separation, then the surprises!!!

cracker10 — Mon, 28 Mar 2016 00:07:42 GMT

Guys,

Doing well. Down the beach with my son. Went fishing last night with him and some close friends. Ex wife has been away with her new love all weekend and have thankfully had no contact, though I need to discuss with her finances while separated. She has been stonewalling and has not contributed to any of the mortgage/bills etc. Every time the subject is raised she becomes wild. I think it is time to see the lawyers.

Separation, then the surprises!!!

white knight — Mon, 28 Mar 2016 06:45:44 GMT

Hi Cracker

Looking back to my first marriage breakdown.

Left the family home due to abuse. Next day sold a train made by me with our rid eon mower for $7000 (used in shows) bought small caravan ($1200) to live in. Paid 3 months mortgage for my wife so she wouldn't struggle until she got the pension, paid off washing machine loan, credit cards etc. Contacted child support to tell them..."sorry but these amounts paid towards your wife were pre your application form being approved it doesn't count".

Fast track 10 years. Paid $14000 towards my younger daughters teeth and jaw realignment. Ex wife couldn't afford to pay anything. I could have claimed half the money to child support and got $7000 credit on my account didn't bother. Then 6 weeks ago (10 years later) my daughter arrives to tell me her mother claimed she paid half of the $14000 for her teeth. In anger I dug up the receipts for the total and gave them to her. She fronted her mother "yes those receipts were all made out to your father but I paid half".

Gotta laugh. As a brainwashed young lady its hard to watch her struggle with these lies.

Protect yourself, don't be more charitable than you normally would be. Anything extra towards your kids give it to them directly!!

Or you'll be the willing horse that will be taken advantage of.

Tony WK

Separation, then the surprises!!!

Apollo_Black — Mon, 28 Mar 2016 08:13:32 GMT

Definitely see a lawyer ASAP

Separation, then the surprises!!!

Doolhof — Mon, 28 Mar 2016 10:40:22 GMT

Hi Cracker and Everyone Else,

I've just been reading all of the posts here. I am really sorry to read your story Cracker.

As a couple have already mentioned, I really do think that you need to see a lawyer to help get your finances sorted.

I really don't know how you are managing to live under the same roof. That must be very difficult.

It is really tough when relationships and especially marriages break down for what ever reason. It is difficult for a person to comprehend or try to understand why someone they once loved treats them the way they have.

Do not put the blame on yourself. Your wife chose to act the way she did. She made choices.

As tough as it is, you will have to make a new life for yourself now. It sounds like you have some excellent friends! You have your son as well.

I discovered my first husband was having sex with my girlfriend when I came home from work early and found them in our bed together! I found out she was not the only one! The thing that really upset me was the fact my husband used me as a punching bag and was very brutal to me.

One of my girlfriends even had the audacity to tell me how much of a wonderful lover he was. I never understood why he only used to beat me up and not them!

Once we were married he quit his job and I worked supporting us both. He took all the money, that was in the days when you were paid cash!

I ran away one night when he went down to the bottle shop to get more alcohol. All I had was the clothes I was wearing and my hand bag and no idea as to where I was going! It was the best thing I ever did.

It wasn't my intention to make this about me. I had wanted to support you Cracker, and anyone else reading who has experienced a rotten break up.

As much as I dislike the expression: " Time does heal"

Cheers from Mrs. Dools

Separation, then the surprises!!!

blondguy — Tue, 29 Mar 2016 20:22:39 GMT

Hi Cracker

You are a great dad. Fishing and down the beach with your son 🙂 and with close friends!

I just have copied and pasted something you wrote "stonewalling and has not contributed to any of the mortgage/bills " And gets wild when you try to communicate about it too....

Lawyer. Yes its money.. but your peace of mind is priceless.

Cheers Mr Cracker

Paul

Separation, then the surprises!!!

cracker10 — Sun, 03 Apr 2016 10:26:12 GMT

Hi All,

A quick update.

The good days are outnumbering the bad days. I have continued to see my phycologist and will continue to do so until I have felt I have detached from my ex wife. I have concentrated on myself and my son only and have stepped away from the affair drama. I have decided to move out of the family home and into a friends house that lives close by. This will still allow me to see my son on a regular basis and remove me from the pain of my wife preparing for her date nights.

My wife did open up and talked about a bit about what went on. I did take her words with a grain of salt as I am a big believer of actions are louder than words. She did mention that there other things that she does not want to talk about and she has issues that are deep seated within herself, though she does not want to see anyone about the. What has been interesting is that she is quite keen for her to attend one of my phycologist sessions!!! I mentioned this to the phycologist, and with a smirk he said i am not surprised, and then left it at that!!!

Sitting back and reflecting on our relationship, it has been easier to see the red flags all the way through it. Unfortunately, in the thick of it it can get clouded. I know in my heart i could never go back, and whilst this is raw and painful, moving on will be the best for me and my son.

Separation, then the surprises!!!

Doolhof — Sun, 03 Apr 2016 10:40:04 GMT

Hi Cracker,

It does sound beneficial that one of you is going to move out of the home. It would be very difficult to stay there together I assume. Especially so seeing your wife getting ready for date nights! That would be awful.

It is great you will be close by and will be able to spend time with your son.

So if your wife mentions again about a joint visit to your psychologist, would you arrange that or suggest she organises her own appointment with someone else?

Hopefully for her own sake she will consider some help.

Either way, it sounds like you are moving on and making plans.

Wishing you all the best! Cheers from Mrs. Dools

Separation, then the surprises!!!

blondguy — Sun, 03 Apr 2016 10:55:35 GMT

Hi Cracker

Thanks for the post back especially with good news. The good days outnumbering the bad....Nice!

Taking her words for a grain of salt is wise (sorry if I appear negative) Interesting to hear what your psychologist said about your wife wanting to attend.

I am very much like you cracker....I couldnt see a red flag last year if my life depended on it. You have done well.

"Raw and painful"...very much so Cracker...This is still a difficult stage....and if you wish we are still here for you

Kind Thoughts to you and your Son Cracker

Paul

Separation, then the surprises!!!

cracker10 — Wed, 13 Apr 2016 22:35:27 GMT

Hi Everyone,

Once again thank you everyone for your words of support, advice and encouragement. I have since moved out of my friends house and have signed a lease on a town house close to my sons school. Having my own space for my son will be a great relief. I continue to see my phycologist, and I am being treated with psychotherapy. Through the therapy it has been clear that all the warning signs I had been in a emotional abusive relationship where there and I just took it as part of a normal relationship. The warnings were 1)Constant criticism 2)I censored my thoughts and feelings 3)everything was my fault 4)my feelings never counted, i could go and on. Reflection has been both scary and necessary.

Whilst my phycologist has been professional and won't judge a diagnosis on my wife, but has continued to say her traits are consistent with borderline personality disorder with a high narcissistic tendencies. Both are scary when you read up about them.

I have continued to focus on my son and self. Whilst I feel down, my friends have been of great support. My ex wife continues to be erratic. She has introduced her partner to my son without any discussion, and he has now spends time in the family home. When she does these things, it feels like a take a couple of steps back in the healing process. There are hints of parental alienation creeping through. My son mentioned that "mom said i won't see you soon". The phycologist said this is consistent with her wanting to hate me, in line with her personality traits. It seems that since her affair has been exposed to others the anger towards me has increased. I also feel that i have been replaced, and the self worth that goes with that is a hard pill to swallow.

My next battle is mediation for custody of my son. I have need recommended a family lawyer who specialises in cases with high conflict personalities. At times i just want to give up with all the emotional pressure, but i got to keep my chin up and take one step at a time.

Thanks everyone for your support.

Separation, then the surprises!!!

blondguy — Thu, 14 Apr 2016 22:45:54 GMT

Hi Cracker

Thankyou for posting back! I admire your strength and courage in how pro-active you have been helping yourself recover. Being 'replaced' is an awful feeling that used to leave me with the awful gut wrenching sense of loss. I know its easy for me to say but that feeling will decrease in frequency and severity over time.

Cracker, I have spend nearly 7 years in the family court trying to get fortnightly contacts with my daughter. I also had my ex's anger all through the process which she also tried to brainwash my daughter with. It was a toxic period in my life. If you need to bounce any questions/thoughts off me you are most welcome to do so.

Great work finding an excellent psychologist too!

Here for you Cracker

Paul