topic husband is cheating and I don't know what to do in Relationship and family issues

husband is cheating and I don't know what to do

Bailey13 — Mon, 04 Jan 2016 11:14:37 GMT

I have recently found out my husband has been/is cheating on me (saw it with my own eyes). Every time I try talk to him about it, it triggers his anxiety and he shuts down and walks out. He blames his emotional issues and me for not loving him enough, although I love him more than anything in the whole world and I believe I've done nothing but tell and show him that. He says he wants to end the relationship with the other woman but can't cope with the conflict because she also has emotional issues and she can get abusive and hurts herself (which I've also seen for myself). He continues to be very secretive with his phone and messages and where he is/going. I have so many questions but he won't talk to me, even if he does I don't know how to believe or trust him anymore. Everyone we know would say we were the perfect couple, I never ever thought I'd be dealing with this and I have no idea what to do. Has anyone been through this and saved their relationship? How do I move on from this?

husband is cheating and I don't know what to do

Scotchfinger — Mon, 04 Jan 2016 11:27:05 GMT

Bailey

Sorry to hear that. I'm not sure what the best advice is, only stay true to your own needs first. You deserve fidelity and think very hard on whether he be forgiven for this. If I were you, I'd be tempted to get a separation, especially if he is not remorseful.

husband is cheating and I don't know what to do

Guest_1055 — Mon, 04 Jan 2016 14:32:20 GMT

Dear Bailey

I am so sorry this has happened. I am only guessing that you would feel betrayed, because you trusted him. And it would be a challenge to build up trust again. And you probably feel hurt and alone. And maybe even shut out. I am sorry Bailey. I can also see that you do indeed love him.

I have never been through anything like this, and I cannot tell you how to even move on. But I do care. So here is a hug for tonight.

With love Shelley xx

husband is cheating and I don't know what to do

geoff — Mon, 04 Jan 2016 18:46:29 GMT

dear Bailey, how sorry I feel for you, but you're not sure of what else has been going on behind your back, it's only because you caught him this time, so my advice is that it may only get worse with his deceiving, so it's time to leave him, sorry to be so vain, but once someone gets involved in another relationship outside of your marriage, then eyes still wander. Geoff. x

husband is cheating and I don't know what to do

KTOCD — Mon, 04 Jan 2016 21:44:42 GMT

Hi Bailey13,

very sorry to hear this. Hope you are hanging in there. I don't have any experience with this so can't offer a lot of advice. Maybe having some sort of meeting / mediation with a psychologist with all involved (you, your husband and the other lady) may help. It might give your husband the opportunity to speak the truth and know that the other lady will have some support.

U don't deserve this though. I think if your husband isn't willing to work things out then you may have only one option left. Really really hard though as I can see you love him dearly.

Thinking of you and hoping he is genuinely keen to fix things.

husband is cheating and I don't know what to do

pipsy — Mon, 04 Jan 2016 21:48:39 GMT

Dear Bailey. It's always very difficult to know what to say in these circumstances. Some people seem to believe that extra-marital affairs strengthen a marriage. personally, I think that's rubbish, but that's the excuse that's often made. Geoff and Scotchfinger both advice separation, I'm inclined to go along with that. He's cheating on you now, how often has this happened, you don't know. he could've been doing it for some time. There's a pretty good chance he'll keep doing it. He has no conscience. The funny part (if you can call it that), is if you were to start seeing someone else, one of two things would happen. Either 1): He encourages you, with the excuse 'it'll help us. Or 2): Outrage, 'how could you do this to me? People like that can, as the saying goes, 'dish it out, but can't take it'. He wants his cake and eat it too. Whether you stay or leave is your call, just remember, if you stay, his behaviour will too. If you leave or ask him to go, he will act remorseful, at first, but either way, his behaviour won't change.

Hope this helps. I know you love him, but I don't think he's capable of true love or commitment. Fidelity is not part of him. That doesn't enter the equation.

husband is cheating and I don't know what to do

seadancer — Thu, 07 Jan 2016 01:36:47 GMT

Dear Bailey, So sorry to hear about your situation, you deserve better. I've been in a marriage for 39 years with a man I now believe is a narcissist. I only found out that he has been cheating on me 2 years ago which he denies but like you I have seen them together many times, at first I had hoped that we could repair the damage but the lies & secrets just kept on going on. He has filed for divorce 3 weeks ago & our house is going up for sale very shortly. Tuesday was my birthday & our (so called) anniversary. I didn't get so much as a"happy birthday". The last 2 years have been hell for me going through depression & anxiety while he just ignores my feelings. People like that don't care about you or me they only care about themselves.

I'm very hurt & have a lot of healing to do & I'm also angry with myself that he controlled me for 40 years, gradually isolating me from my friends & destroying myself esteem, I felt ashamed that I had failed in our marriage some how but now I feel embarrassed that I didn't leave along time ago. He chose to shut me out along time ago. I now reflect back & wonder what else he got up to, not that it really matters I guess. I'm 63 & find myself having to kick start my life with very little skills & assests.

PLEASE: Don't end up like me!

husband is cheating and I don't know what to do

glimmer_of_light — Mon, 11 Jan 2016 08:01:53 GMT

Dear Bailey 13. I have indeed been through this situation. I really do feel for you. I found out my x-husband was cheating on me with my so called best friend. I was actually at the end of my uni degree with 2 weeks to go before l sat my last exam. Great timing-not. He pushed the blame back onto me, cause he wasn't happy with the intimacy side of things. When l found him out he lied and lied and lied. I gave him a second chance we went to councillors. But deep down my trust was burnt and so was my soul. 5 years on had a gut feeling for 6 months- only to once again catch him out- it was only a matter of time-guess what with the same person. He actually had 2 different women on the go at the same time. This only happened 5 months ago, so things are still very raw. Once again when confronted he lied and lied and lied. This time his reason is because he had no one to talk to- lame hey! My opinion only- a leopard never changes his spots. Only u can make the decision, no one else. I hope u can find peace and comfort.

husband is cheating and I don't know what to do

Bailey13 — Fri, 22 Apr 2016 11:58:57 GMT

Hi Everyone,

So, my husband and I are still together but I am struggling, so is he to be fair. He's been home more and not seeing this other woman (other than when she stalks him as they work in the same building), but they still have some contact via text, which he is very aware is NOT ok with me and can't give a good reason why he can't completely separate himself from her. He says it's a given they can't continue it but for some reason he is trying to distance himself from her gradually, rather than just stopping it altogether straight up.

His depressive thoughts around how guilty and worthless he feels are making him very needy, like he wants me to constantly reassure him that I love him etc. And he focuses a lot of his time and energy on his work and being on his own, so he doesn't give our relationship the emotional attention I think it needs right now. Considering what he has done I find this really selfish and insensitive. If he was truly remorseful I think he would be making more of an effort to communicate with me and show me he still loves me with kind gestures and affection, even if I'm not ready for it I think he should still try.

I feel like I've done the hard yards to prove I still love him by still being with him and trying to work through this after everything that's happened. If I didn't love him I wouldn't have stayed with him through all the nights and weekends he left me home with the kids while he hooked up with someone else and I spent the night shaking and in tears. But it's like he thinks I should instantly understand/forgive him because of his mental health issues or something. And the very rare convos we have generally end in him twisting my words and freaking out that I'm going to leave, but it always seems to me that puts out the fire.

If this situation has taught me anything, it's that how important it is to put yourself first and not allow anyone to treat you like crap just because you love them. I always believed love would be enough, but I was very wrong, it's not!

I guess I'm after other's experience and suggestions on how I find the strength to tell him that my needs have to be met too or I can't see us surviving, when I don't believe he can see far enough past his own pain to even understand the gravity of the pain he has caused me, or what I need from him to help me heal from this? Or am I being selfish to ask him for a bit more effort and attention? Should I wait until he's in a better head space?

husband is cheating and I don't know what to do

pipsy — Fri, 22 Apr 2016 12:31:15 GMT

Hi Bailey13. Lynda here. Your hubby is the one who's being selfish here. You have forgiven him time and time again but he still continues to see her, with the excuse he has to 'break it up' gradually. If the boot was on the other foot, he would be practically demanding you cease your affair, now. You really need to stand firm on this and tell him enough. Could he not ask to be transferred to somewhere else or better still find another job. It really sounds as though he's not too keen on ending, he wants to have his cake etc. If he is suffering depression, can he not try to see his Dr and ask to be referred to a psychologist or psychiatrist. Sorry to be a bit blunt here, but you've been the 'doormat' long enough. It's her or you, no more excuses, dilly dallying. He is using his guilt against you when he twists the arguments. Don't take his guilt or lies. Put yourself first and demand that he gets help and stops seeing her.

husband is cheating and I don't know what to do

Lost_Girl — Fri, 22 Apr 2016 16:14:16 GMT

Hi Bailey13,

I agree with Pipsy and I agree with you. I think you need to trust your instincts in this. To me it sounds like you know what to do but the only thing holding you back is fear for his mental health.

I agree with Pipsy, help for his depression should come from his GP and psych etc. Having this other woman make him feel good is not acceptable if he is married to, and has made a commitment, to you.

When you say he puts his energy into work and being alone, is that at home or at the office. If it's at the office I would be questioning if he is alone.

Having depression should not be an excuse to emotionally blackmail you which is what he does when he freaks out about you leaving because of the poor choices he is making.

In my opinion he should be freaking out. If I were in your shoes I would lay it on the table that you will accompany him to the GP to work through his mental health issues and support him in working through it. However he must immediately cease all contact with the woman, prove it to you by allowing you full access to ph and emails. He should immediately look for a new job. I would also suggest marriage counselling. Failure to do so within a timeframe of your choosing will require him to move out.

He has been making lots of choices without you. It sounds like time enough to make your own choices on what is best for you and your children. You are right...put yourself (and your kids) first and don't let him treat you like crap. You and your kids deserve better.

If he uses the kids against you by saying you're hurting them by breaking up the marriage, be confident that having a miserable Mum and a poor role model for a Dad is worse than a happy Mum and a Dad that has to give 100% on visitation because you're not there to bail him out of his responsibilities.

You sound like a beautifully caring person who truly loves her husband. He is not the victim here.

Kind thoughts,

Carol

husband is cheating and I don't know what to do

Lazykh — Fri, 22 Apr 2016 21:52:14 GMT

Yes, I agree with Lynda. Relationships are complex things with lots of push and pull factors happening all the time, however...

His behaviour is disgusting and selfish! There's nothing more loathsome and soul destroying than a partner's infidelity. I recommend looking seriously at the reasons why you stay with him and the reasons for breaking up. See if the 'cons' of the relationship outweigh the 'pros'. If there are sufficient 'pros', you could give it a go just being *very* assertive, as Lynda said, about what you will and won't tolerate. (By the way, get him to go to a GP and get a free mental health care plan for 10 sessions with a psychologist for his depression, don't let him use it as an excuse for bad behaviour) See if you think you can survive without this relationship (I'm pretty sure you could). This will put you on a lot more solid ground to boldly say what is on your mind. I.e. what have you got to lose/what have you got to gain?

If the cons outweigh the pros, make a new list of reasons why you aren't moving on: Here's a freebie exercise I use in conselling: identify which of these headings apply to your reasons for 'stuckness', then attribute a percentage to each of those that apply as to how much weight the item carries for you. Once you've done this, you can start to look at each factor individually and also the situation as a whole. Let us know how you go and please feel free to come back and discuss, I'll check back on your topic. Here's the list:

Emotional attachment (love, investment in problem solving, altruistic desire to help)...;

Welfare of children, dependents, pets;

Fulfilling promises to stand by or take care of;

Secondary gain (Anything at all that means you benefit from the otherwise undesirable situation);

Curiosity/scientific interest;

Schema of marriage/relationship as a lifelong commitment or as an essential step to happiness;

Schema of inability to find better/disbelief that better exists;

Laziness as a block to change;

Self-harm;

Fear of other/change;

Sympathy;

Avoidance of relinquishing dream;

Hope;

Like a challenge;

Avoidance of winding up process;

Avoidance of decision making process;

Financial dependency;

Security;

Emotional dependence (can be tricky to spot, think carefully);

Anxiety;

Any other factors.

husband is cheating and I don't know what to do

Bailey13 — Sat, 23 Apr 2016 07:35:00 GMT

Thanks for the advice, you all seem so strong and clear, I mostly feel exhausted and blurry so it helps when others are honest to me.

He has been seeing a psych and taking AD's since before all this started. I've been seeing a psych to help me work through my own emotions aswell.

I think if I was to write down the pros and cons at this point, cons would be the clear winner. But I'm not sure I can make any decisions based on the now, because the now is the lowest point of our relationship so far, by far! I guess my 'stuckness' is because I still love him and therefor I am hanging on to what was, and hope of what could be.

I'll give that exercise you suggested Lazykh a go, thank you. I just really struggle to be so clear about such things at the moment. So I write down each topic and rate it with a percentage to reflect how important that element is to a relationship? Or how much each one is an issue for me right now?

Thank you all for taking the time to reply and for giving me your honest advice and support.

husband is cheating and I don't know what to do

Lazykh — Sun, 24 Apr 2016 00:10:27 GMT

Hi Bailey13,

The percentage relates to how much that contributes to the fact that you are remaining stuck. So they have to add up to 100%. It's easiest to pick out the ones that apply and then highlight the ones that are more problematic (ie more contributing to stuckness) within that list. Then you can tailor the percentages more easily.

You can make another list though of core values that you need for a relationship (then you can contrast to what extent they are present in you current relationship), good idea!!!

Yes it's very hard to feel clear about anything in a situation like you find yourself in, but the fact that you are hear and also seeing a psychologist shows that you are wanting to make an effort to sort it all out and that's great.Also remember that while lots of people are depressed, seeing psychologists and on medication, most of them do not choose to be abusive in their relationships. (Cheating or failing to end an affair with those sort of justifications is emotional abuse.) Depression is not an excuse. He might be trying to compensate for his depression through having two women on the go, but that does not make depression a valid excuse. You don't have to put up with it, and if you stop putting up with it he will have to find some other way to cope that is more adaptive than cheating on you.

How does the cheating change your relationship with him? How does it change the way you feel? How will you feel in the future about him? Will the cheating stay at the back of your mind despite trying to forgive and forget? Are you willing to run the risk that he might do it again some day? Has the affair brought you closer together in any way or has it highlighted a growing rift?

Good luck with my exercise and feel free to come back to chat again any time!

Lazykh