topic Feelings for Psychologist. Do I tell her? in Treatments, health professionals and therapies

Feelings for Psychologist. Do I tell her?

Scottish-Parrot_Jaimie — Wed, 19 Sep 2018 10:28:41 GMT

I've been seeing my current psychologist fortnightly for a few months now, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't find her quite attractive from day one, but at that point, it was simply me noticing she was good looking and that was that. As we had more sessions together though, I started actually crushing on her, but now, as I really think about it, these feelings aren't particularly romantic, or sexual. Its more platonic than that, like I wish she was my mother. The thought of actually being romantic with her weirds me out, yet I still have this crush like infatuation.

I'm 25 (hardly qualified to be) and she's in her late 30's, if that means anything. I'm also a woman; a very gay one, so this situation is confusing.

I have a letter that I've written her that addresses these feelings, but I'm unsure whether or not I should give it to her for our next session. I'm scarred she'll stop seeing me, or I'll make things super weird between us.

I'm aware of what transference is, and it seems accurate to this situation, but I feel like I haven't been seeing my psychologist long enough to justify such a connection, and I'm not sure how transference is viewed in modern psychology given how many Freudian methods of treatment have been (rightfully) moved away from.

Anyway, the letter is very honest, although admittedly downplaying how often I think about her just the tiniest bit. Is it worth giving it to her? I don't want to distract from our work or ruin what I have with her.

Thank you.

Feelings for Psychologist. Do I tell her?

Croix — Wed, 19 Sep 2018 10:58:55 GMT

Dear SP Jaimie~

I guess the first thing to say is that you made a pretty good move by coming here. It is such a personal and puzzling thing other's perspectives can only help.

The relationship with a good therapist is a pretty intense thing, and all sorts of emotions can be brought out. I'd imagine that you are very worried if you do say something that she will simply terminate therapy, or hand you to someone else.

Because it is such a common thing I'd imagine most therapists will have a means of dealing with this situation, exploring your feelings and at the same time maintaining a professional distance.

I guess what I'm saying is that if it was me I would say something, as I'd feel it was a barrier to get though to gain the best benefit from the therapy.

That however is just me, your own views may be quite different. I'd mention though that I'd doubt there would be any chance of a romantic getting together, her professional rules would prohibit that.

You know you are welcome to be here and talk about this as much as you would like

Croix

Feelings for Psychologist. Do I tell her?

Scottish-Parrot_Jaimie — Wed, 19 Sep 2018 11:33:28 GMT

My letter reads:

I seem to have developed feelings towards you that are inappropriate. These feelings aren't really romantic, though they're non NOT romantic (they're certainly not sexual). They're mostly confusing. Its like an infatuation, or a crush, but more platonic, and its not something that involves obsession, jealousy or possessiveness as I've experienced in the past.
I'm also not delusional; I know you're my psychologist and there are boundaries that could not- or should not- be crossed. I would never act inappropriately and I know you wouldn't (not that you would want to). I also know that my image of you is limited to what I see in sessions and that these feelings are a result of you providing me with the attention, validation and comfort I've been starved of my whole life- i.e. doing your job, and I'm aware that healthy adult relationships outside of a therapy setting are built very differently. I know WHY I feel what I feel, even if I don't fully understand what it is that I'm actually feeling.
I'm embarrassed to say, but while these feelings aren't completely void of romance, I kind of wish you were my mother?
Its probably very strange and I'm sorry to be like this. I just know that for therapy to be most effective requires me to be honest and I felt I was keeping something significant from you. But now I've shared this with you I'm terrified of what could happen. I like the way things are with you and I'm worried I ruined it. I'm scarred you'll now find me weird and creepy and that I've grossed you out.
I do kind of miss you between our sessions but its not something I obsess over and take into my daily life. I also don't feel possessive or get jealous when you mention other clients or just people in your life- I actually like the conversation. These are things I've struggled with before but don't here.
I am scarred of telling you this still, and that insecure child part of me is actually scarred of making you mad.

Feelings for Psychologist. Do I tell her?

Scottish-Parrot_Jaimie — Wed, 19 Sep 2018 11:42:19 GMT

Thank you for the input. I found it helpful hearing from someone else.

I am leaning towards telling her, I'm just very anxious about it and worried about the possibility of it going wrong. Fortunately I am well aware that nothing could ever happen between us (I wouldn't actually want it to) which I've made a point to mention in the letter, as well as my understanding of why its happening.

Feelings for Psychologist. Do I tell her?

blondguy — Wed, 19 Sep 2018 12:03:19 GMT

Hello SP Jaimie

Croix (above) brought up an excellent point about a communication being a barrier to gain the best out of the therapy you are there for for. Your letter is harmless and non offensive in any way. If you could keep in mind that your therapist has also had similar letters in the past too

The letter is fine. The worst case scenario is that she may want to discuss your letter and extend your period of therapy by addressing your written thoughts

Thankyou SP Jaime for being a part of our non judgemental and safe forums too!

my kind thoughts

Paul

Feelings for Psychologist. Do I tell her?

Scottish-Parrot_Jaimie — Thu, 20 Sep 2018 03:46:05 GMT

Thanks for the input; it helped to hear.

I'm probably going to tell her at my next appointment, which is just a few days away. I wanted to write it down since I tend to have trouble forming words on the spot; also I stutter a lot; and I already do a lot of communication with her that way since I note down my previous weeks accomplishments and things I want to discuss.

I don't know how I'd go if she wanted to prolong my treatment though (something I do want to do anyway since I have a lot to still work through), since my mental health plan only allows me 10 sessions. I should be able to get 10 more next year but I'd need a new referral.

Feelings for Psychologist. Do I tell her?

Quercus — Sun, 23 Sep 2018 04:19:55 GMT

Hi Scottish - Parrot Jaimie,

Just wanted to post because I read the replies from Croix and Blondguy (Paul) and although I know their advice is solid I feel the opposite.

I do agree that your psychologist needs to know these feelings. However I can't help but wonder if you have considered how you will feel if the response from your psychologist is not what you expect?

Professionals all have different styles of maintaining their own boundaries. As Paul says some may welcome the discussion but others may see it as an issue. To explain what I'm getting at this article might be worth a read...

https://psychcentral.com/lib/why-your-therapist-cant-be-your-friend/

At times I believe it is easy to forget our therapist is someone we employ. They have to have boundaries or they wouldn't survive doing the job they do. It doesn't mean they don't care... It means they are being professional and trying to empower you to be able to self care rather than rely on others.

Before you send the letter would it be worth thinking about....

1. Are you prepared for the potential that your therapist feels this crosses their boundaries?

2. Are you open to the idea of seeing another therapist if they feel you need this?

3. Do you have any other offline support in case this discussion upsets you?

Hope you are able to manage this conversation and the result is positive and healthy for you.

Nat

Feelings for Psychologist. Do I tell her?

Scottish-Parrot_Jaimie — Mon, 24 Sep 2018 08:09:40 GMT

Hey so I just wanted to update anyone who was interested.

Firstly, thank you to everyone who offered their advice and help. Even those who I didn't follow in the end I found helpful because it allowed me to have a better understanding of what I was doing and prepare myself for all the possible outcomes.

I spoke with her this morning and I did decide to give her the letter- which has undergone slight alterations to be worded better since I posted it here. It turned out to be a good decision. She was really cool about it and assured me that what I was feeling was completely normal. She told me it was brave of me to go through with being so honest, and given how clearly anxious I was the whole time, I'm inclined to agree. She took all my fears and reassured me that everything okay.

I'm still feeling some embarrassment but I don't regret my decision.

Thank you again guys 🙂

Feelings for Psychologist. Do I tell her?

blondguy — Mon, 24 Sep 2018 08:24:09 GMT

Hi SP Jaimie

Thankyou for the kind response and having the care to reply 🙂

The embarrassment is a minor issue yet you have stuck with your feelings and followed through on them as well. I think that you have an excellent psychologist Jaimie

I think that you would have felt better after giving her the letter

No harm done at all..You are strong by following through with your feelings....and your heart too

It would be great if you could stick around the forums Jaimie....when convenient for you of course!

my kind thoughts

Paul

Feelings for Psychologist. Do I tell her?

Scottish-Parrot_Jaimie — Mon, 24 Sep 2018 09:10:58 GMT

Thank you Paul

I consider myself very lucky to have found my psychologist; she's lovely and I'm making great progress with her, and yes I do intend to stick around the forums

Feelings for Psychologist. Do I tell her?

blondguy — Mon, 24 Sep 2018 09:28:10 GMT

Nice1 and thankyou Jaimie 🙂

Great to have you as part of the forum family. Your thread is always open

my best

Paul

Feelings for Psychologist. Do I tell her?

LustStarrr — Wed, 26 Sep 2018 00:52:17 GMT

Hi Jaimie,

First, I must say congrats on finding a fantastic psychologist who you get along with - that's a huge feat! Having rapport with our therapists is so important, & can make so much difference to our recovery progress.

Regarding transference, I've had similar feelings about a couple of my psychologists over the years... I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), & it can make me very susceptible to this kind of thing, unfortunately. I found this guide quite helpful for understanding the phenomenon better, & working out how to manage it: https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/in-therapy/201206/clients-guide-transference

I hope you are able to work through these feelings & continue to have a great therapeutic relationship with this person - they sound like they've really helped you so far. Congrats on finding someone you're compatible with.

All the best!

Fern

Feelings for Psychologist. Do I tell her?

Croix — Thu, 27 Sep 2018 10:25:06 GMT

Dear SP Jaimie~

I'm so pleased it worked out well. I suspect it will give you not only more confidence in your psychologist but also more confidence in yourself too. You faced a difficult situation head on and it worked out. With all the doubts and fears of what might happen that was brave.

Knowing one has a reservoir of courage inside does help when facing all the downs that illness can bring.

I do hope you keep on coming here, we need examples of courage.

Croix

Feelings for Psychologist. Do I tell her?

smallwolf — Thu, 27 Sep 2018 12:54:38 GMT

Hi. I am a bit late on the scene here but it seems you got the outcome you wanted?Best of all, it seems you have a good relationship with your psych, which I think is precious.

What we need to remember is there is a professional/client relationship here, and at the same time the person we are talking listens to our innermost thoughts and help us to work out ways through whatever our issues might be. For various reasons, there are things I tell my psych that my family dont get to hear (more reasons).

As the other posters have commented, hope you stick around a bit longer. I have found this a good place to be between sessions. Whatever issues I have and write about here, there are others who will support me. And that is a good thing.

All the best,

Tim

Feelings for Psychologist. Do I tell her?

Tweet-Heart — Thu, 27 Sep 2018 14:11:47 GMT

I fell in love with my former psychiatrist who is homosexual. When I found out I was devastated. I fell for him hard, he went away on leave around Christmas time, he replied to my e-mail on Christmas Day. He made me feel safe when a fellow patient was bothering me, Wow did I fall head over heels. I made comments to the nursing staff and other patients like "he can climb down my chimney", "he can fill my stocking" and that next time I saw him .. of course I would never do that !! It's all in good fun. I am blushing now suffice to say he told me he could no longer see me anymore for clinical reasons so I am sure one of the nurses told him.

Feelings for Psychologist. Do I tell her?

Tweet-Heart — Fri, 28 Sep 2018 07:05:37 GMT

It is not applicable in your situation but my experience might be considered an erotic transference. I am just embarrassed because I am pretty sure he found out when he came back from leave and that is why he decided to discontinue treatment which is fair enough.

Feelings for Psychologist. Do I tell her?

Lucy7 — Fri, 05 Oct 2018 14:08:59 GMT

Hi SP Jaimie,

Just wanted to say that your bravery about addressing your feelings with your psych is very inspiring.

I am going through an almost identical crisis of feelings regarding my psycologist and not sure i can be as brave as you.

Well done and hope you continue to reap the rewards of your sessions

Lucy

Feelings for Psychologist. Do I tell her?

spacemountain — Thu, 25 Oct 2018 12:09:14 GMT

That's awesome Jaimie that you were able to share it and she responded well. Has she explored it with you since? I'm curious about what kinds of things they ask about transference and how the reasons for it are discussed in therapy, if they even want to discuss it that much at all.

I'm feeling similarly for my therapist and I want to tell her at the next session in a few days. I know she'll react fine because I told her about my previous transference for another therapist (not sexual) and she assured me it was normal. But I'm nervous about telling her there's a romantic and sexual element to how I feel about her.

Feelings for Psychologist. Do I tell her?

Scottish-Parrot_Jaimie — Thu, 08 Nov 2018 09:42:22 GMT

Hey sorry for such a late reply! My schedule is hectic right now and I haven't really been able to check, well, anything.

Thank you for the kind words, and if I'm being honest, we haven't discussed it a whole heap since it happened, but when it has been brought up, she's been nothing but kind and supportive of my decision to open up to her. She thinks it was very brave of me, and she still treats me the same as she did before; and with the way she interacts with me, I have no doubt that she does genuinely like and care for me (professionally speaking of course!).

I think the reason we haven't discussed it that much (aside from the fact that my sessions are only fortnightly to monthly) is because there hasn't been a need to. If I brought it up, of course she would talk with me about it, but we do have limited time, and I do have a lot of other issues to work through with her; and the thing with this particular thing is that we both have a very good understanding about why I'm feeling this way and what can and cannot happen in our relationship; and given that my attachment to her is related to how I struggle with interpersonal relationships and regulating my emotions, it makes sense that a lot of our focus is on building healthy relationships and understanding my emotional responses to things in general.

I hope that makes sense, and I hope your relationship with your therapist is going well. Going off experience, I do recommend being honest- it can be super hard, and if I'm being honest, even I downplayed my feelings a tiny bit, but I think there is still plenty of merit in just being honest 'enough'- it can be a good way to test the waters if nothing else.

Feelings for Psychologist. Do I tell her?

Tweet-Heart — Wed, 13 Feb 2019 12:21:29 GMT

It must be hard to deal with, I am going through this phase with my current treating psychologist. I bought us both a drink and offered him one today in our session and he said that was very kind of me. It's the polite thing to do I mean we wouldn't normally have a drink and not offer it to a guest or a friend. He likes the sparkling and I don't but I like the organic can of San Pelligrino lemon tea it's very refreshing and he liked it. I don't think this is a big deal and it's not like I am buying him a gift which would be highly inappropriate.

However, in saying that he doesn't know how I feel he has no idea even after I tried to tell him the other day he doesn't know. I mean seriously guys how can you not know when I a girl fancies you... like it could be right in front of you and you wouldn't know.

On a serious note, I thanked him for all his support I am going through an extremely difficult time in my life and I can relate to you as when we're feeling vulnerable we feel attached to certain people including those professionals trying to help us.

My clinical psychologist has been amazing, he has invested so much time and effort into helping me, we often talk outside our sessions I'll often ring him when I am in crisis or I need his advice. He listens, returns calls and doesn't get annoyed with me. He often gets calls from others and it takes up his time but he doesn't get annoyed. Today, I thanked him for it because in the past I've been let down and it's hard to develop that trust, but the great thing is, and I hope this has been an experience for you is that we have so much positive transferance we have built a really high level of trust and rapport it's amazing and I don't want to jeopardise that with this sexualised fantasy I am having about him as he makes me feel very safe. It's not to say we don't disagree but the great thing is we talk about it and resolve it together and we have great open line of communication.

What you're experiencing is normal and nothing to feel ashamed of. If it is starting to interfere with your life or the benefits you're receiving then it may be wise to bring it up with your treating specialist or your GP or seek advice from us we're here to help. Don't beat yourself up about it as that will just cause added stress, maybe writing a journal or a letter might help?

I know this is an old thread but let us know how you go.