topic I have developed feelings for my psychologist in Treatments, health professionals and therapies

I have developed feelings for my psychologist

LilyR — Fri, 13 Apr 2018 10:30:18 GMT

I started seeing a psychologist for depression and anxiety in March 2016. I had seventeen sessions with him in total and my last session was in November last year. Approximately nine or ten sessions in I realised that I was starting to develop feelings for my psychologist. I realise that it is stupid and ridiculous but nevertheless the feelings are still there even though it has been five months since I saw him. Appearently it happens quite a bit and is called ‘transference’. No matter what I do I cannot seem to get him out of mind and it is affecting my mental health. I honestly wish I had not gone to see him in the first place as it has made everything worse. I am after some advice or suggestions on what I should do. Has this happened to anyone else? I obviously do not want to tell my psychologist about my feelings as that would be extremely embarrassing and awkward but I need to get some help with this. Should I talk to my doctor or another psychologist about it? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated- thank you.

I have developed feelings for my psychologist

SheWrites — Fri, 13 Apr 2018 12:15:22 GMT

Hi LilyR.

I’m glad you posted. This must be a really difficult situation for you. I am sorry that it’s having an effect on your mental health - and I can completely understand why it is.

Transference is really very common in close therapeutic relationships and while I’m sure your psychologist would understand what’s going on, I completely get that you don’t want to raise this with him. I would feel the same way as you.

But your ongoing mental health is important and I do think you need some support to process this and to help you find a way through. Talking with your GP - even in an abstract way - might be a good start.

Perhaps you could ask if they can suggest another therapist you could see, as there are some things you don’t feel comfortable discussing with your treating psych. Most GPs wouldn’t hesitate, I think, to recommend someone new. It’s not uncommon for therapy to bring up issues that need a new approach.

I hope that this is helpful. I think you’re brave and very insightful to see what is happening and to recognise the need for another perspective. Wishing you peace.

I have developed feelings for my psychologist

LilyR — Fri, 13 Apr 2018 13:26:50 GMT

Thanks SheWrites,

That was helpful - I’ll try and pluck up the courage and go talk to my doctor.

I have developed feelings for my psychologist

SheWrites — Sat, 14 Apr 2018 04:44:15 GMT

Hi LilyR, I know that will take some courage! Let me know how you go x

I have developed feelings for my psychologist

KLRS — Sat, 14 Apr 2018 18:09:25 GMT

Hi lily

i just wanted to say that it is difficult to not develop some kind of relationship with your psychologist because you need to feel comfortable to be able to share your innermost thoughts which in turn creates a bond as you try to work through solutions to your problems. If the relationship you are experiencing is preventing discussion then it is not helping your recovery st all. You say you haven’t seen him since November does this mean you are now seeing another psychologist or you now don’t feel you need one. I guess if you were not happy with your feelings toward him then a new psychologist would be the solution but you might find something similar develop. Transference is ok so long as you recognise your psychologist is just doing their job to help you work through your problems.

I have developed feelings for my psychologist

geoff — Sat, 14 Apr 2018 21:48:13 GMT

Hello LilyR, please let me welcome to the site as well.

All the replies back to you have been spot on because what happens is that you can open up to this person and tell them secrets that no one knows about, so this forms as though it could a close relationship, rather than a counseling session.

Write down how you are feeling as well as what you are thinking and give this to your doctor, then the necessary paperwork will be down by your GP.

If you did mention it to your psychologist then they should end the counseling session and inform your doctor.

It would be good to raise this with your next counselor because it's the closest thought you are trying to overcome.

All the best and hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

I have developed feelings for my psychologist

LilyR — Sun, 15 Apr 2018 01:28:11 GMT

Thanks for your comment. I am not seeing another psychologist. I suppose my ‘old’ psychologist thought I was doing okay so suggested I stop seeing him for a while and see how I went on my own. This of course upset me because of the feelings I developed but I just agreed because obviously I didn’t want to tell him about my feelings.

I have developed feelings for my psychologist

LilyR — Sun, 15 Apr 2018 01:33:02 GMT

Hi Geoff.

Thanks for your comment. I didn’t tell my psychologist about my feelings due to embarrassment. I’d rather him not know which is why I’m reluctant to tell my doctor. I suppose she can’t tell him though without my consent ... well I hopethat’s the case. Thanks for your suggestions/help.

Lily.

I have developed feelings for my psychologist

romantic_thi3f — Wed, 18 Apr 2018 00:50:24 GMT

Hey LilyR,

Thanks for your post.

I can echo what everyone has said here and trust me, it is so so common for people to have these feelings for the psychologist. In reality though, we don't talk about them because our minds are like 'oh you shouldn't think this!' so we feel ashamed for it.

I know that is embarrassing to speak up, but it is so important. I'm guessing if you were to think about the intensity of the therapy you'd probably find it peaked at some point - ultimately it settles too. As weird as it seems, it serves a purpose.

From my own experiences, the psychologist I saw was a female, but I still couldn't shake those feelings of wanting to be her daughter or best friend - or basically anything else that wasn't a client. I was terrified to speak up in case she'd shame me or kick me out for ruining her boundaries, so instead I wrote it in a letter. Perhaps this is something you could do too? It's a great way to be able to get across your feelings when words are too hard to say.

Hope that you're able to get things off your chest; thanks for talking about them here.

Hope this helps,

I have developed feelings for my psychologist

james1 — Wed, 18 Apr 2018 05:58:18 GMT

Hello Lily,

I hear you that you don't want to discuss this with your psychologist directly as it could be super awkward.

But at the same time, as others have mentioned, this is very common.

In my case, the particular work I am doing with my psychologist would mean that if this happened, she'd want me to tell her. And we'd talk about it. It'd be super awkward, but that's part of the point. It's awkward, but our feelings are important and if we care for someone we want to tell them (though we may be afraid to).

Of course, that's just my situation but I thought I'd just mention it - your psychologist would be professional enough to know whether it was more appropriate and helpful for you to find a new psychologist, or to actually address these feelings directly. The good thing about both options is that the decision is being made in conjunction with someone who has a duty of care and has your best interest in mind.

James

I have developed feelings for my psychologist

LilyR — Wed, 18 Apr 2018 11:46:44 GMT

Hi James,

Thanks for your comment. I definitely agree with what you’re saying. I just don’t know whether I’d be able to literally tell him. Just the thought of it makes me feel sick.

Lily

I have developed feelings for my psychologist

LilyR — Wed, 18 Apr 2018 11:50:04 GMT

Hi Romantic,

Thanks for your comment. If you don’t mind me asking ... what did your psychologist say when you wrote the letter?

Lily

I have developed feelings for my psychologist

james1 — Wed, 18 Apr 2018 23:38:14 GMT

That's totally understandable LilyR.

I've done what romantic_thief has suggested with writing, and I've also tried to put a bit of separation by calling on the phone instead of going in person. For my psychologist, both are perfectly acceptable ways of trying to communicate where doing so in person or vocally is too hard. The time I wrote it down, I was asked if I wanted to talk about it or if I just wanted her to know.

The psychologist is there for you and they are well trained to know how to make sure you feel safe.

I have developed feelings for my psychologist

romantic_thi3f — Sun, 22 Apr 2018 23:35:06 GMT

Hi LilyR,

No I don't mind at all!

My psychologist was wonderful; she completely validated what I was going through and feeling and she told me that she was grateful that I did reach out to her and talk about it. She says that it happens with a lot of her clients. I think I was surprised by how well she took it and how calm she was.

The biggest thing on my mind was either the fear of ruining our relationship or crossing her boundaries - and neither happened. She said that transference is a good thing; it means that we (as clients) feel safe enough with our psychologist to unconsciously have these other feelings for them. Over time, we simply won't have them anymore. I personally had it when I was doing really heavy trauma work and now I can say I don't have them at all. We then talked about what it would mean for me to cross her boundaries and what that would look like - this helped me so that I wasn't so afraid of what I was feeling or ruining what we had.

I hope this helps comfort you a little! 🙂

I have developed feelings for my psychologist

Tweet-Heart — Thu, 13 Dec 2018 13:01:52 GMT

God I'm not the only one. I've had these unresolved feelings for weeks for my clinical psychologist. I'm not sexually attracted to him but I'm emotionally dependent on him. I call him when I'm in a crisis, he gets several calls a week from regarding me from others and he told me there's boundaries and he can't keep on getting calls and emails. He doesn't know about this though and I'm not going to tell him. I do have fantasies about him. I trust him and he makes me feel safe. He compliments me in sessions saying how talented I am as I got accepted into Julliard in New York when I was 16 but didn't take up the scholarship.

I have developed feelings for my psychologist

james1 — Thu, 13 Dec 2018 23:07:30 GMT

Hello Tweet-heart,

It's great that you are able to tell us that you are emotionally dependent on him, as it is often hard to admit to ourselves the extent to which we need someone else. I don't know what the best client-therapist relationship looks like, but from what you've told us it sounds like maybe there's a little tension at the moment in yours, since you don't feel like you can be totally honest with him about how you feel.

I think it's normal to have fantasies about people, including our therapists. For me, I know that if I approach these conversations from the perspective of, "this is happening in my head, and I want to talk to understand why", then it won't come off as inappropriate like I'm trying to make something happen.

James

I have developed feelings for my psychologist

Tweet-Heart — Fri, 14 Dec 2018 07:12:03 GMT

Hi James

We have established a good rapport and high level of trust. He knows I have been let down and treated badly in the past. I can't tell him about this though as he will have no choice but to terminate therapy due to erotic transference which I don't want. The Turing point came when I brought him a whole box of medical records and I was reluctant to show him all the notes due to what a previous psychiatrist had written about me. He told me I have to trust him and he is not going to be influenced by what a psychiatrist says. I think he suspects I am starting to develop feelings for him oh oh.

I have developed feelings for my psychologist

geoff — Fri, 14 Dec 2018 18:19:00 GMT

Hello Tweet-Heart, I think when our psychologist connects with us and we know that they understand exactly what we have been through and often 'take words out of our mouth' then a trust is established, so we look forward to the next appointment for 2 reasons, 1- we know that we can tell them anything (except for that very dark secret which no one knows) and we like them.

What happens when they go on holidays, we become anxious, so we try to email them or perhaps ring them, eventually, this will become too much for them, so if this is happening just be careful.

You don't have to explain any intricacies to them if you are embarrassed, they will get the general idea, and remember one person has a different way of looking at your situation than another person, and they normally don't want to be influenced by someone else, they need to make up their own mind.

If too much feeling between the two of you is mutual, professionally they are obligated to find someone else who can help you, this will only make you take a step backwards, because that's not what you want, and secondly you will have to start all over again.

Try and avoid this.

Geoff.

I have developed feelings for my psychologist

Tweet-Heart — Sat, 15 Dec 2018 00:56:08 GMT

Thanks Geoff

He rings me back straight away, he's very caring and attentive. I know he doesn't feel the same way about me and if I tell him or he finds out then I'm screwed and he's very clever he probably already suspects something.

I am really turned on by his personality and his sea green eyes and the fact I can trust him and he makes me feel safe all this for Medicare rebatable sessions. What bliss

I have developed feelings for my psychologist

Tweet-Heart — Wed, 23 Jan 2019 14:28:12 GMT

I'm in a really difficult position today I saw him for the first time in 2 months. The session went ok until the last few minutes when I got defensive as I thought he was trying to say I'm not intelligent, it got so bad that he even threatened to terminate our session. He said he doesn't care what I say outside of the room and that inside the room I have to show respect I felt he was being condescending. Anyway he's got no clue and he also told me there'd be a few for his DSP report which I expected but he should have raised it before. So, I won't see him again until Feb 13th as he wants to go on holidays (again !!) and his son starts school. I'm concerned about what his fee might be and hope it's not exorbitant. He also refused to show me the draft of the report stating it's not finished and he owns the report. I let him know my GP needs a copy so she can finalise her report.