topic Feeling the CRINGE in therapy in Treatments, health professionals and therapies

Feeling the CRINGE in therapy

SummerCrossing — Tue, 04 Jul 2017 08:44:15 GMT

Hi everyone,

Does anyone else experience extreme cringey-ness (mostly at one's self) in therapy? I've had about 7 sessions now, and I leave almost every therapy session ruminating on awkward moments that happened throughout, how inarticulate I was, what I should've said instead, the odd faces I definitely made, how my therapist must think I'm weird (even though I know this is irrational...I also think about how she would perceive me if I wasn't her client and she knew me 'on the outside') etc. etc.

I basically dread every session because I know I'm going to be awkward yet again - I guess I still haven't learnt how to be comfortable opening up and being vulnerable to another human being IRL. I think I also strongly dislike the fact that she knows so much about me....

Should I be feeling this way though? I have thought that maybe I need to find a therapist I feel more comfortable with...but to be honest it's probably just me and my general weirdness.

Thanks for taking the time to read about how much I struggle with everything in life incl. the very thing that's supposed to be helping me in life (haaa, but seriously :))

Feeling the CRINGE in therapy

white knight — Tue, 04 Jul 2017 09:53:57 GMT

Hi SC, welcome

Taking things to an extreme...if you attended therapy and said everything a person would say that didnt need therapy, you wouldnt need to go.

So on that proviso its the imperfection you have that allows your therapist to identify what help you need.

Finally, when you leave therapy and you question yourself, what you said, that means therapy is working...you are acting on your own words, correcting yourself.

So its all good. Keep it up. I commend your persistence

Tony WK

Feeling the CRINGE in therapy

MsPurple — Tue, 04 Jul 2017 12:01:10 GMT

Hi SummerCrossing

I agree with Tony WK. If you come out therapy questioning yourself and how to approach something in a new way, it means the therapy is working

Myself I have had many cringeworthy appointments. I felt tense going in,during and after. I felt kinda deflated afterwards. But after a while I realised how beneficial it was. All those cringe worthy moments for me were worth it because I opened up and got the right support. If I didn't open up (and maybe feel cringy) then I wouldn't have gotten the right help. I also told my therapist that sometimes I felt cringy after appointments and he discussed this with me. I found that helped as he helped me realize that I actually felt cringy a lot more than usual and that it was actually a part of my anxiety. He gave me strategies on how to aproach it.

Hope this gives you some reassurance. Everyone does go through it too. It is worth it in the end

Feeling the CRINGE in therapy

Quercus — Tue, 04 Jul 2017 12:19:28 GMT

Hi SummerCrossing!

Nope you're definately not alone in feeling like this.

There is a whole thread dedicated to these kind of moments in therapy because sometimes you just have to share the embarrassment 😊.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/treatments-health-professionals-and-therapies/the-strangest-funniest-or-embarrasing-things-that-have-happened-in-a-therapy-session

Feel free to join in if you have a moment you'd like to share.

When it comes down to it therapy is to make us feel better so sometimes you've just got to accept the cringeworthy moments along with the healing (or better yet have a laugh about them).

Feeling the CRINGE in therapy

geoff — Tue, 04 Jul 2017 18:44:44 GMT

hello SC, seeking therapy opens up the doors that you have always kept closed, but these are definitely what needs to be tackled, and it may feel uncomfortable, and yes it is, simply because you have been hiding these from everybody, except for yourself and that's why you feel the way you do.
It's normal for you to come out of counselling asking yourself these questions, that's what they hope you do, think about what has been said and for you to try and find out the reason why by yourself.
I had been seeing a psychologist for 20 odd years, and every session I wondered what was going to happen and whether she was going to disclose something I had been hiding.
There's no point finding a psychologist who only wants to play chess with you, only figuratively speaking, because nothing would be achieved.
We see a psych to help us see the light once more, and if you're had 7 sessions and on a mental health plan by your doctor, it would be pointless seeing someone else with only 3 sessions left. Geoff.

Feeling the CRINGE in therapy

JessF — Tue, 04 Jul 2017 22:56:01 GMT

Hello SummerCrossing,

I have seen therapists for many years now, and I have come to see the relationship with the therapist as a bit of a mirror for how you treat relationships in other parts of your life. The issues that come up in the relationship with your therapist can often be similar to issues you have relating to people in general.

Given the thoughts it's stirring up, I wonder if this might be a possibility for what's happening for you.

I think it's really important that like MsPurple suggests, that you bring all of this up with your therapist. Given that the most important part of therapy is a fully trusting relationship with the person you're seeing, this sort of honesty is imperative for success.

The advantage of analysing how you've felt about a therapy session is that there is no hearsay involved, like when you recount episodes from other areas of life. The therapist was there in the room, and can challenge any misconceptions you have and help identify where your thoughts might be going astray. This will help you cope better in other parts of your life.

Feeling the CRINGE in therapy

SummerCrossing — Wed, 05 Jul 2017 13:40:16 GMT

Thanks all for replying with such kind words and very helpful advice, you've made me feel a lot better 🙂 I think I'll definitely be bringing this up with my therapist in our next session, perhaps I'll update you with how it goes. You're all also very right in the fact that my uncomfortable feelings are testament that I need to be in therapy, and the hard, cringe-y stuff is what I really do need to work on with help.

@Quercus Oh I love that thread! I've actually trawled through it multiple times - definitely has given me a good laugh 🙂

Feeling the CRINGE in therapy

The_Possum — Fri, 07 Jul 2017 09:42:02 GMT

Hey there

I scrolled through this and though.. Yep!

This happens to me too and I've wondered about it a lot. I came to the conclusion that I don't like the Vulnerability of it. The fact that this one person, who is a stranger, knows all my inner moat fears and concerns.

I also don't like the fact that it is so one sided, in that I sit there and open my heart and soul out and yet they just sit there nodding and listening.

I'm totally not a fan of therapy because of the way it makes me feel!

Also because I've never done any form of therapy and I worry about growing a dependence on therapists.. I've read many stories of people seeing therapists for years and they become dependent on them. That horrifies me.

I also can't see how we can become strong and independent in our lives, by becoming vulnerable and dependent on these people. It seems unfathomable to me.

I voiced this with my therapist and she said 'it's normal to feel vulnerable but that's how they treat you the best'.. It was one of those jaw dropping what the moments for me.

Maybe I'm over thinking it. But that's my two cents worth.

Having said that I do go to therapy, albeit sparingly.. But I do so with caution too.

Peace x

Feeling the CRINGE in therapy

SummerCrossing — Wed, 12 Jul 2017 00:27:32 GMT

Hey Possum!

I have to admit I'm still a bit of a therapy sceptic, but I've also read many "success" stories so I might as well persevere for now.

Your dependence/attachment concerns mirror mine as well! You flesh your life out for this person to analyse, empathise, nurture, and hold...then one day it'll come to a point that you'll never see them again and they'll just be a distant memory?! I know the therapeutic relationship is not a friendship, but I've lost too many (what I thought was meaningful) friendships that frankly, I can't be bothered to go through the hurt again.

Saying this though, I've also read a few things about how some sort of an attachment to your therapist is healthy and helpful - over time you stop thinking about 'them' and session, but rather 'what they would say' i.e. you internalise them so you can comfort yourself without actually relying or being dependent on them for help.

Hope your day treats you well 🙂

Feeling the CRINGE in therapy

The_Possum — Wed, 12 Jul 2017 01:25:02 GMT

Hey there

Yep I agree! Some attachment and dependancy is apparently required for the therapeutic relationship to be of any benefit, as explained by my therapist.

It's also their professional responsibility to manage this along the way.

However my issue is that they can only really manage it, if you are honest with them along the way of how you're thinking and feeling.

So if you're a 'guarded' person, you might not be likely to admit these feelings of dependence. So the therapist will have no true idea.

I've read stories of people becoming so dependent that they are stressed when the therapist goes on holidays for a month. How will they cope?!

It's concerning to me, I'm not sure how healthy that is.

Like you've mentioned, I think real life carries its own disappointments in relationships - being abandoned, being hurt, disputes, losing people etc

So why play this out again in the therapeutic setting where you're just going to have this person disappear from your life, after you've just divulged your inner most thoughts and feelings?

Not sure. Like I said, I do go to therapy, but it is with caution.

Have a great one too x

Feeling the CRINGE in therapy

Quercus — Wed, 12 Jul 2017 02:44:55 GMT

Hi Possum and Summer Crossing,

I was very reluctant to start any kind of therapy. The idea of trusting a stranger to talk about things I couldn't even admit to myself let alone my family was almost abhorrent.

So my compromise to myself was if I talk about it to the therapist I talk about it to my husband. I trust and love him and in the long term it is him that is affected by my mood swings and problems on a daily basis not the therapist.

The plus side of that attitude is that my psychiatrist is a means to an end. He is not my friend. I am very concious of the fact that I pay for him to listen and for his medical advice and expertise. I am very aware I am a patient to him. It is my family and friends who love me and who I really matter to.

I force myself talk about what I need to but my goal long term is to be able to function again on my own. There is an element of trust to be able to open up but for me it is more of a trust in his professionalism and so far he has earned that.

Feeling the CRINGE in therapy

The_Possum — Wed, 12 Jul 2017 03:47:18 GMT

Hi Quercus

Thanks for your take on it, it's really interesting.

I guess from my perspective there are things I discuss with my therapist that I wouldn't necessarily discuss with family and friends. This is kind of the reason why I'm going in the first place. If it were easy for my to just discuss these issues with my husband or other people, then I probably wouldn't need therapy at all.

My reason for this is because I don't want to necessarily burden my family with a lot of the deep issues I may be facing. For example whilst my husband might now of some incidents which occurred at uni which have effected me, he might not know the extent of my emotion attached to that and the scars or extent of it. And honestly I wouldn't want to download all that on him. It doesn't serve a purpose in our relationship now and I don't want us consumed with my past.

Hence the therapist is someone I see that I can download all this too. Whilst I know clearly I'm paying for the service and they aren't my friend, I still am at risk of growing a dependency or attachment to them, simply because I'm divulging to them matters that no one really knows. This brings undoubtedly feelings into the equation. We aren't robots.

So I guess that's where my concern remains. Not that I currently have any dependency issues but I do feel I'm been extra cautious of the potential which I don't know, it may be detracting from therapy.

I maybe over thinking it though or maybe scared off by stories I've read.. Maybe shouldn't Google lol

Feeling the CRINGE in therapy

Quercus — Wed, 12 Jul 2017 04:13:27 GMT

Hi Possum,

This hit close to home majorly...

whilst my husband might now of some incidents which occurred at uni which have effected me, he might not know the extent of my emotion attached to that and the scars or extent of it. And honestly I wouldn't want to download all that on him. It doesn't serve a purpose in our relationship now and I don't want us consumed with my past.

I could have written that once. I worried a hell of a lot about offloading onto my husband and also about whether it would make him unable to respect and love me anymore.

But it came down to me needing to deal with these demons and needing him to know the details and the 'why' seeing as a lot of times when we argue or have problems it's because I'm triggered somehow and am living in the past in my head. I needed his help and I needed him on my side.

If he was unable or unwilling then that was going to be a huge problem for us because I'd tried burying it all and moving on and all that achieved was me destroying myself . So my options were brutal honesty or give up on myself.

That said... Your situation is unique to you and you know what is right for yourself. This is just the background to why this approach was appropriate for me.

Feeling the CRINGE in therapy

The_Possum — Wed, 12 Jul 2017 04:30:20 GMT

Valid points there. I can totally see where you are coming from.

I guess I am trying to protect him as I've recently been diagnosed bipolar ii and I just feel I'm putting him under enough at the moment.

Maybe over time that perception will change.

The uni stuff doesn't really bother me now or have an impact on my current life, as that was 12 years ago now. But it came up in therapy.. I'm not sure how it even did. I wasn't expecting it. And with that came a whole range of feelings and emotions. Things I hadn't felt since the incidents.

I really didn't like the fact that even came up now when I'm trying to deal with other things happening now. So I'm a lot more cautious in how I answer questions and discuss things.

Guess I'm just messed up in the head at the moment.

Feeling the CRINGE in therapy

SummerCrossing — Tue, 18 Jul 2017 02:39:22 GMT

Hi all,

I hope everyone is doing well 🙂 Thought I would update with how my latest therapy session went if you are interested. I made sure that the first thing I talked about were the cringe-y feelings I often felt following sessions, and I think my therapist was actually quite surprised I had been feeling this way. She mentioned that she never thought of me as an awkward person, or thought I made weird faces (which isn't so true because I definitely did haha), and said it was O.K. that I didn't look her in the eye at all times and sometimes struggled to form words around how I was feeling - because I was raised not to articulate my emotions at all (which is true). The main message was to be a little more compassionate towards, and a little less critical of, myself - which I do have to work on. Interestingly, I haven't cringed so much about this session!

I also mentioned my concerns over attachment, and how odd I felt the concept of therapy was (that being the fact I know nothing about her etc.) and to be honest I wasn't expecting nor know how to feel/think about her response...she said I could ask her anything about her life and she would happily answer!!! To be honest, of course I'm very curious about her life, her interests, her thoughts on the world etc. but I also know that it's probably unhealthy for me to indulge myself with facts about her and would push my boundaries I have for her, so I declined. But shouldn't she form her own boundaries? Does she think it won't impact how her clients progress, think about her, and the work in the therapy room? Perhaps her other clients aren't as clingy/easily attached as I am. I guess I know myself better than she knows me, so in this case I'm the one that has to put myself in check and resist pushing boundaries.

She also confirmed that it was natural for clients to feel an attachment to their therapists, but kinda palmed off my qualms over "one day finishing therapy and never seeing you again" by saying that it's not like losing a friendship because I always have power and get to choose if I want to see her whenever I want and for as long as I want (she forget to mention, provided I have the money to book a session...) and that she wasn't planning on retiring/moving/going anywhere soon so she will be here...I don't know whether this has resolved any of my fears of being attached and dependent on someone who doesn't really love/care for you (as Quercus mentioned) but alas...

Have a good week everyone 🙂

Feeling the CRINGE in therapy

Quercus — Tue, 18 Jul 2017 15:58:15 GMT

Hi Summer Crossing,

Good on you for bringing up the topic with your therapist. Can't say I'm all that impressed with her answers though.

I think boundaries are important. I'm sure you got that from my previous posts. But I don't want to be reliant on a therapist. That makes me very uncomfortable. I like the idea of setting a timeline. Establishing certain goals and a timeframe for when the treatment will end and I will manage on my own. My psychiatrist hasn't done this either though unfortunately.

Also boundaries help me to feel. safer. Especially when certain topics come up which I struggle to discuss. The knowledge that the relationship is strictly professional is the only reason I am able to talk about what I need to. If the therapist was too friendly or even offered a hug or handshake I'd be out the door in a heartbeat.

The other thing that comes to mind is... Is this the therapist for you? I had a very friendly female psychologist and I could not open up to her. At all. She was too friendly. Offered too much of herself. I couldn't be honest so she couldn't help me. I find the male psychiatrist I see who is older than my Dad and a bit cold suits me better. The extent of his contact is passing me a box of tissues. That's it. No handshakes. Lots of personal space. It seems odd but this therapist suits me. I feel safe enough to confide in him. What do you think?

Hooe you are feeling well and the therapy is helping 😊

Feeling the CRINGE in therapy

SummerCrossing — Thu, 20 Jul 2017 04:53:51 GMT

Hi Quercus,

Thanks so much for your input - you've given me a lot to think about. I have to admit, sometimes I've felt it's totally unclear in what direction my therapy is going, which I'm sure isn't a good sign. I'd be more confident if there were indeed established clear-cut goals and a time frame, but have been too scared to ask - it's definitely something I'll consider to do. That being said, I've already been questioning my therapist's approach altogether, and your thoughts on vastly differing therapy styles has sparked a few more that I have to ask myself.

I'm so glad you have found something that works for you, and I hope I'll figure this whole thing out soon enough! 🙂