topic Anxiety Group Therapy Bullying in Treatments, health professionals and therapies

Anxiety Group Therapy Bullying

biscotti81 — Tue, 09 Aug 2016 04:29:26 GMT

I recently joined up an anxiety group therapy program of say 10 people suffering anxiety who attend on a weekly basis, run by a psychologist, who share their struggles with anxiety, together with the facilitator discussing different topics each week.

I suffer from Generalised Anxiety Disorder, social anxiety and major depression plus chronic illness/pain. It was a big step for me to go along to the group.

I suffer from a great deal of social anxiety in groups. As the weeks have gone by, it became apparent that most of the members suffered from anxiety however on the lower end of the spectrum. I being the only one with an anxiety disorder.

Fair enough. I usually speak when asked and offer my comments when I feel up to it, however mostly am quiet during the sessions. Social anxiety causes me to freeze in group situations like these. This together with my pain levels and body tremors, make things a little difficult.

There is another lady attending the group sessions who I noticed last week was rolling her eyes and smirking at others and the leader whenever I said anything. This then made people react, which made me turn around and look at her, and she would quickly change her demeanour.

Today, while I was having a particularly bad day and became quiet emotional in the group, expressing my frustration and some of my struggles with anxiety, some other members shared their stories also and displayed empathy. It was then that another member offered to be a support person for me and this lady rolled her eyes and smirked at this other lady which made her stop and look at her, which made me turn around and realise she was engaging in this behaviour. She continued to do this to others while talking to me and the group facilitator also.At break time, I got up and went to outside and then returned after a few minutes. Upon entering the room again, I overheard her say "Oh, she probably went to ......." in a snide way. It was then that I lost it.

I turned around and said to the facilitator thank you however I'm leaving the group. I then turned around to this lady and said "I can see you rolling your eyes at me and others and smirking. You are a bitch, a bully and a narcissist"

I then stormed out in tears, the facilitator followed me, saying that I was very inappropriate, that I should leave. I told her that if she witnessed this, why did she allow it to continue and why should I pay for the remainder of the therapy (which is stipulated in their consent form x4)

Anxiety Group Therapy Bullying

white knight — Tue, 09 Aug 2016 05:55:19 GMT

Hi and welcome

I think you did well and its a shame it got to that point.

I'd like to suggest you view communication with ithers as a "fluid" thing. Meaning, people will come and go throughout your life as you weave your way through the labyrinth of groups and individuals. Engaging more with those we get empathy and warmth from and put aside those with judgemental attitudes.

However, a quality we can all do with is one my first wife mastered. Ignoring. If you could ignore that narcissistic person rolling her eyes, her comments behind your back etc, then she would not claim a scalp with her attitude.

I've only learned to do this recently in my 60 years. If I was in your situation when I first saw her roll her eyes I'd say "I saw you roll your eyes" and later "I heard that" so a quick short comment.

That way you make her accountable for her unacceptable attitude but if you continue to talk ignoring her you are sending a message you are unaffected by her rock throwing.

But well done in standing your ground.

Find another group.

Tony WK

Anxiety Group Therapy Bullying

Lost_Girl — Tue, 09 Aug 2016 06:14:47 GMT

Hi bicotti81,

I'm sorry you went through that. In addition to Tony's reply, another good method is to acknowlege it at the time and ask them why. "Excuse me, why did you roll your eyes just then? It made me feel uncomfortable". Just keep asking them each time it happens, it makes them accountable for the action.

I would look for a new group. Have a look at some of the threads under the anxiety section too. You may find some stories you can relate to and find some support here.

Kind thoughts,

Carol

Anxiety Group Therapy Bullying

biscotti81 — Tue, 09 Aug 2016 06:49:15 GMT

Thanks so much for your reply white knight. The reason why it affected me so much is because my mother is a malignant narcissist. I suffered from additional trauma last year and was diagnosed with PTSD, so things like this are triggered for me. I need to follow your advice and learn to adopt those strategies in the future. It angered me also that in this so called "safe place" this behaviour was arising and this individual thought it was acceptable.

Anxiety Group Therapy Bullying

biscotti81 — Tue, 09 Aug 2016 06:51:01 GMT

Thank you Carol. I need to learn and practice this in the future. Assertiveness is not my forte

Anxiety Group Therapy Bullying

Lost_Girl — Tue, 09 Aug 2016 07:33:27 GMT

Hi biscotti,

I understand. Just remind yourself that you are your own best friend in situations like that. If you say nothing then you will feel horrible so try and take the risk and ask the question. I have done it a number of times some for me, some for others. The person doing it backs down pretty quickly. It is actually quite empowering. Such disgraceful behaviour in what should be a safe place.

I'm glad you've come here though, all the people I have spoken to here have been wonderful.

Anxiety Group Therapy Bullying

Cornstarch — Tue, 09 Aug 2016 08:37:23 GMT

I think you're so brave attempting to do groups if you have the supreme joy of having a narcissistic parent in your up-brining. Trying to describe what that feels like to a person that has not experienced that is like speaking in Japanese. My father was a consummate professional of narcissism. When you’re a baby and a little kid and you have a brain like Play-dough, a narcissistic parent is like shoving your head inside of a washing machine or
being dumped at the beach in really really deep water. You don’t know which way is up, which way is down. Am I a good person, or am I ‘bad’ just like they say I am. Am I truly that bad? Really? No-one feels pain like they feel pain. No-one suffers like they suffer. He was so extreme that the health professionals that have crossed paths with my siblings and I over the years simply cannot figure out how on earth we escaped without developing Borderline Personality Disorder as a result of his tirade, or any personality disorder for that matter. They’ve said to us that we defy science. Even though I get so frustrated with my PTSD I know that I am so blessed considering my personal history. It makes me really angry that you have been put through that. Mother wounds are torturous things to have. But they are workable and you can have love in your life. It brings up a lot of raw sadness because it’s not universal, some people get amazing parents. And some people don’t. It’s so clichéd to say don’t beat yourself up for storming out, but maybe you could just observe that situation from some distance now and go, “yep, there goes my father/mother wound for the 90th time today. I am so sad for that little girl”. And just have a cry if it's an appropriate place to do so. I put my hand on my heart when my parent wounds arise and I just say to my younger self in my own internal dialogue. “I am so sad for you. Just hold this space. There is not need to fix it. I believe in you”.

Anxiety Group Therapy Bullying

white knight — Tue, 09 Aug 2016 13:22:08 GMT

Hi again

Cornstarch, how well said.

Biscotti thanks fir returning.

To both of you if you Google the following you might learn a little more about you parent.

Witch hermit queen waif

I too had a undiagnosed narcissistic mother. When I read the above web site things fell into place. I haven't seen my mother for 6 years. And don't intend to such is the harm done.

Finally. If you google "children if borderline mothers" or children if narcissistic parents" you'll come across all sorts if mental illnesses that we can suffer.

This us a very good thread. It shows how bullying in sneaky ways can have such hurtful results. It can make us run away, reject society and lick our wounds that take forever to heal.

You were bullied. It was unacceptable. As Lost Girl wisely suggested, make them accountable as much as you can.

Great to see you here

Tony WK

Anxiety Group Therapy Bullying

Cornstarch — Tue, 09 Aug 2016 15:05:26 GMT

Thanks Tony. I know this is just my opinion and I'm not a mental health expert in any way but I think BPD should be scrapped from the DSM or at the very least re-named. What a ridiculous name. It is harming and hurting people even more than they have been hurt and harmed already. It insults their childhood and personalises it to the point where they just feel defective. I read in the paper ages ago, maybe about 18 months ago, that some mental health advocates are petitioning to have it changed because it is not an accurate description of the condition. To top it off and make it even more confusing for everyone, apparently you can have BPD with no history of child abuse and neglect. Why would a diagnostic system put both of those scenarios under the one banner and call it the same condition?

Yeah my siblings and I all have varying degrees of anxiety disorders as a result of our narcissistic parent and did not come out unscathed that's for sure. We all still struggle with any bullying, especially at work if it is inflicted by an authority figure. My younger sibling had an incident recently where she was spoken to aggressively in front of all her colleagues by a domineering male and she started to shake and tears welled up in her eyes. She knew her childhood wounds were being triggered and the emotions she was having were out of context to the present situation, but she was triggered without wanting to be. That's what is so frustrating. She texted me at work crying saying "how can we be this old and it still hurts so much like we're little kids". I just said parent wounds are so primitive and raw we have to be kind to ourselves and welcome in love from other people and places.

I'm so sorry you have had to cut off your family. When I was younger and very idealistic I thought I could maintain a relationship with them no matter what, and that everyone should try until they are blue in the face simply because they are family. As I've gotten older I've realised that I just have to accept that it isn't possible and it is actually doing more harm than good. Narcissistic parents cannot meet their children's needs and they are impossible to communicate with. It is very painful. But you can still experience love and connection, and work through all the damage and come out the other side despite feeling wobbly at times when bosses yell at you in the office 😞

Anxiety Group Therapy Bullying

biscotti81 — Wed, 10 Aug 2016 05:40:02 GMT

Your response resonated with me so deeply. I cried reading it. As you said, nobody knows what it feel like for a child to grow up without the love of their mother. I need to mourn more and acknowledge that little girl crying out and

yes, Tony, I will make them accountable and practice doing so.

Warm regards

Anxiety Group Therapy Bullying

biscotti81 — Wed, 10 Aug 2016 05:40:34 GMT

Anxiety Group Therapy Bullying

Cornstarch — Wed, 10 Aug 2016 06:22:40 GMT

I’m sure you’re a very lovable person. Your Mum has missed out. You can talk to me about the “washing machine” or “dumped in the surf” brain sensation anytime. I totally get it. It confuses children and screws with
their bonding and attachment and sense of who they are. A constant barrage of insults when you are young and still developing tend to do that!

Grief will be a regular visitor, and if your folks haven’t passed on, contact with them can be extremely stressful. You will feel like a little kid again just having to communicate. I’ve cut cords with some very long term friends recently. I was absolutely horrified to discover that I had subconsciously recreated my parents in befriending them. I hung my head in disbelief and cried when it dawned on me and I finally saw the situation with clarity. I’d essentially recreated the father/daughter relationship we had. I just thought how could I possibly have such a low opinion of myself that I would want to relive that situation all over again. But I was on automatic pilot, I wasn’t even consciously aware I’d done it until I’d got enough distance from them that I could see it for what it is. It hasn’t been easy breaking old patterns of attachment but I finally had enough self-belief to just give them the finger and go, "Na, go away leave me alone". I’m better off without you. Even now I have moments when I am compelled to contact them, but then I realise that I am re-enacting the fear of my Dad not loving me. Running back to them is also another way of subconsciously begging for forgiveness because everything was our fault. If I’m not careful my entire life could become one big theatrical re-play, of me desperately searching for the love he is incapable of giving me. It’s like trying to feed a hungry ghost who has a bottomless stomach. Impossible, and very painful. It wasn't my fault. And I'm fed up with begging. He projected all of his own pain onto his children and expected them to carry it in sacks on their backs their entire lives. I'm not doing it.

"I believe in you biscotti81 and White Knight. Just hold this space. Don't try to change it, push it away or fix it. It wasn't your fault. Peace."

Anxiety Group Therapy Bullying

biscotti81 — Wed, 10 Aug 2016 08:30:10 GMT

Thanyou for your kindness and support. You're very wise. I'm glad you were able to find the strength to leave your dysfunctional family and friends. Most people in those situations stay trapped in the cycle of abuse out of fear and loneliness. It definitely isn't easy.

My biggest struggle is attachment to women. All my life I've struggled with maintaining and forming bonds with other females. I'm a magnet for toxic/ narcissistic women and bullies.

I can't help I'm flawed. I don't fit the usual mould of how women act. I'm not competitive, bitchy or popular, which has always made me an outcast. That combined with my mixed bag of anxiety issues makes it harder.

I wish I had a surrogate mother to guide me and teach me 😞

Anxiety Group Therapy Bullying

Lost_Girl — Wed, 10 Aug 2016 14:56:40 GMT

Hi biscotti,

Just a thought but if you have some time spare you could consider doing some volunteer work where you will meet others with kind hearts.

Volunteering at a nearby aged care facility may be beneficial to them and you. There are a lot of women there who have no visitors. There are women with amazing stories and life experience. My Mum used to visit people in my home town who had no family. She would take me with her. There's so much wisdom to gain. Every xmas we would have a collection of random oldies join us. It is very rewarding. Just a thought.

Another option is "meeting place" where there are lots of group types based on interests. There are even ones for anxiety and depression.

Kind thoughts,

Carol

Anxiety Group Therapy Bullying

Cold_Mirror — Fri, 12 Aug 2016 04:17:51 GMT

Hi Biscotti. I'm sorry you had to put up with this behaviour. If the psychologist saw the behaviour, then they bear some responsibility in not letting it get out of hand.

You describe yourself as an outcast, but I think there are probably people out there who would appreciate you. I thought of myself as the unpopular one but, as I've gotten older, I've found friends with similar interests and values. I do tend to be a target for bullies though. (Sigh.)

I think Lost girl's advice about volunteering is worth considering. It might take some courage to walk through the door, but you'll meet a variety of people and maybe some females with whom you'll have things in common.

Anxiety Group Therapy Bullying

Cornstarch — Fri, 12 Aug 2016 04:36:26 GMT

Thanks Biscotti,

It's hard to think of yourself as strong when your symptoms are so horrid. Don't you worry I have made a fool of myself many times. In fact I had the supreme joy in May/June this year where my PTSD flashbacks went so berserk that I started vomiting while out and about, waiting for a bus or exercising. How delightful. How attractive. So sexy. People no doubt assumed I was drunk. Why wouldn't' they. One bloke asked if I was Ok everyone else just stayed away.

Some people have dramatic nightmares, I'm lucky all the melodrama happens during the day and most times in public places, in the full view of perfect strangers, colleagues, friends, family or known randoms.

We don't get to chose our family unfortunately. Take care

Anxiety Group Therapy Bullying

biscotti81 — Sat, 13 Aug 2016 20:35:32 GMT

Thankyou for your support. I hope each day ahead is kinder to you. Take care X