topic What were your red flags and green flags when finding a therapist? in Treatments, health professionals and therapies

What were your red flags and green flags when finding a therapist?

romantic_thi3f — Mon, 14 Jun 2021 23:35:24 GMT

Hi everyone,

I have an appointment with my therapist soon and I was thinking about how hard it has been to really find someone that I can connect with, and I thought it might be a cool discussion to have - especially since it can be hard finding a therapist in the first place, let alone one you like- and if it's someones first time, we're not always sure what to expect!

Some of my red flags from older therapists have been telling me that things (abuse) was all my fault, telling me either I don't need therapy or I should be in therapy for a long time and cancelling and rescheduling all the time.

Some of the green flags for me have been letting me share how I feel about therapy, talking about our relationship without being scared by it, feeling validated and feeling safe.

I think I'd known that I'd found my (long-term) therapist in the first session because I felt really comfortable and safe with her, although sometimes it can take a little while.

What about you? Have you had any red flags or green flags you want to share?

What were your red flags and green flags when finding a therapist?

softdrinksandwich — Tue, 15 Jun 2021 23:25:23 GMT

Hey there,

Green flag for me was empathising with my situation. It allowed me to feel more comfortable opening up. Hearing my therapist acknowledge that what I was going through was tough, and that it's very human - those kind of things relaxed me so much.

Another green flag is getting actionable tips to carry out of the sessions. I'm amazed at how much my current therapists' words stay with me throughout each day. Simple catchphrases that ground me through tough times.

Red flag for me was getting tricked into an answer. I had a therapist who had a habit of asking me questions so that I could say the answers myself, and they did it in a fashion that was like "see it's not that hard to figure out is it". I was uncomfortable with that because it turned the process into a game, and I kept feeling like I was stupid because I couldn't spell it out until she did that. It also didn't work well long-term because I had no takeaways from that approach. We figured it out in the moment, but it didn't resonate with me.

What were your red flags and green flags when finding a therapist?

Katyonthehamsterwheel — Wed, 16 Jun 2021 11:28:06 GMT

I'm on my 4th. Been with her over a decade now 🙂

Freudian thinking doesn't work with me. I told my first therapist I was scared to walk down the street, so she told me that's exactly what I should do. Um yeah nah...

The second told me I wouldn't do anything different until I'd hit rock bottom, as I was comfortable with what I knew. Um why am I here then?

The third asked me to paraphrase the things he told me, which I had difficulty doing due to having anxiety. Too uncomfortable.

Current one is down to earth and I feel like I have someone on my team now. Offers lots of practical advice and gives me "homework" so I don't feel at sea between sessions. She also doesn't check to make sure I've done it though, so there's no pressure.

What were your red flags and green flags when finding a therapist?

romantic_thi3f — Wed, 16 Jun 2021 23:40:11 GMT

Hi softdrinksandwich,

Thank you for contributing! 🙂

Yes, yes, I'm nodding at both. I definitely have my therapists voice in my head imagining what she might say when I'm going through something difficult. Please feel free to share their catchphrases too! It sounds like you have/had a really lovely one.

also yes, I had a therapist like that too. Almost like "duh", but if it really was that easy we wouldn't be there in the first place. So important that you found one that you like; thank you again for sharing this with us.

What were your red flags and green flags when finding a therapist?

romantic_thi3f — Wed, 16 Jun 2021 23:44:29 GMT

Hi Katyonthehamsterwheel,

Thank you for contributing too! 🙂

Aw geez, it sounds like you had to go through a few to find the one that you liked! I'm so over this 101 advice- if you're sitting there on the couch you've probably already tried all the things or heard it all anyway.

I'm so glad that you have a good one now, a decade is great! I hope to be with mine for that long too (I think she'd be okay with it). Well done to you for still persisting even through some bad eggs.

Thank you again for sharing. I was worried this post would flop so having you and softdrinksandwich make it worth it

What were your red flags and green flags when finding a therapist?

tryingmybes7 — Sun, 11 Jul 2021 01:26:26 GMT

Hi everyone,

My husband has been seeing a therapist for almost 3 months now as his depression and anxiety symptoms took over him severely after the loss of his father earlier this year.

I am seeking some assistance as to what it should feel like when you are talking with the right therapist? He doesn't always tell me what they talk about during these sessions but yesterday he did mention he is looking to end/postpone these sessions as he feels he does all the talking during these sessions and she only listens and asks questions and tells him what he is going through is normal for other people in his situation. He is quite proactive in researching about grief and depression so he said he is aware of all this. To add to this, he says he feels like it is a waste of money.

He said he is looking for further advice which she does not not provide.

Any help is appreciated - I am new at being a support person myself.

What were your red flags and green flags when finding a therapist?

Guest9337 — Sun, 11 Jul 2021 04:15:05 GMT

G'day romantic_thi3f,

Thanks for sharing up your coloured flags, really useful stuff!

My reactions to my life circumstances aimed me at being a very openly honest and accepting person. So over decades I basically green flagged any and all professional psych/doctor's. I am highly confident that's not the right way to go about improving my wellness, either then or now.

These days I read the ethics of the organisations the professional is a member of, and I'll examine every sentence or action of the professional, through the lens of their mandated ethics. Red flags are breaches of ethics, green flags are useful stuff!

So I have found I've become more astute at what is a red flag or a green flag for me.

What were your red flags and green flags when finding a therapist?

LJpd81 — Sun, 11 Jul 2021 06:03:22 GMT

I will be seeing a psychologist soon for the first time , so I am definitely following this thread.

What were your red flags and green flags when finding a therapist?

Lillylane — Sun, 11 Jul 2021 15:19:57 GMT

Hi tryingmybes7,

I feel for your/your husband’s situation. I have had to try more than one therapist before finding the ‘right’ one.

If one wasn’t working, I’d go back to my GP and explain what I was looking for.

As to the way it ‘feels’ when talking to the right one...

For me it felt like I felt heard. And I didn’t have to do all the talking. But she didn’t do all the talking either. She often checks with me how I am feeling and whether the direction of conversation is where I want it to go.

Some sessions can be harder than others. Often the realisations I need to have, happen between sessions.

I hope your husband finds a therapist he feels comfortable with.

This is stressful on you too as his support, so I hope we can be here for you too.

Lillylane

What were your red flags and green flags when finding a therapist?

Lillylane — Sun, 11 Jul 2021 15:29:35 GMT

I’ve been seeing a psychologist for a while now, who I have found to be great.

I’ve just found out that she is moving to another city at the end of the year.

I’m not looking forward to having to tell everything all over again to a new person.

What were your red flags and green flags when finding a therapist?

tryingmybes7 — Sun, 11 Jul 2021 23:51:40 GMT

Thank you so much for your response Lillylane. This has definitely provided me with some guidance.

I will find a moment to ask him a few more questions about the approach of his therapist and if it's not working we will make an appointment to go back to the GP.

What were your red flags and green flags when finding a therapist?

romantic_thi3f — Tue, 13 Jul 2021 00:28:10 GMT

Hi tryingmybes7,

Welcome, and thank you for your great question. I'm glad that you're here, although I will give you a little nudge to start your own thread if that's ok, just so that we (and other members) can support you. Plus you may find that you get more support if people can read and relate to the title.

I agree, it does sound like it's a bad fit with your husband and his therapist. Every therapist has different approaches and different styles, and it might not be a red flag, but just not what they need at the time.

One option of course, is for your husband to share how he's feeling with the therapist. The therapist probably doesn't know, and if validating isn't enough, it's totally ok to ask for more. Maybe the therapist can provide more but thought the validating was helpful. There's been lots of time where I've had conversations like this with my own therapist, and I'm so glad that I did.

I hope this helps! Best of luck to your husband.

What were your red flags and green flags when finding a therapist?

romantic_thi3f — Tue, 13 Jul 2021 00:32:35 GMT

Hi david'n'goliath

Thank you for your post, and I'm so glad 🙂 Reading every sentence through lens of the ethics sounds incredibly complex! Have you studied psychology/counselling?

I would love to hear more about what that looks like when you see a therapist, or if even if you are seeing your own, it sounds like you've done some major work.

What were your red flags and green flags when finding a therapist?

Elizabeth CP — Tue, 13 Jul 2021 04:48:52 GMT

I was feeling a bit frusteated by a new therapist as we seemed to be getting caught up with unrelevent discussions. Rather than giving up I spent time writing down what had happened to me and its impact. Then a list of things I needed addressing. Next session I gave the note to the therapist. Green flag _ He spent the time reading through it thouroughly. Then questionioned me on a few points to ensure he was really clear what i wanted or meant. This let me know he really wanted to work with me on what mattered to me. He asked permission to copy the note into my file so it was recorded properly.... My privacy and wishes were respected. Subsequent sessions showed he kept those things in mind even after other things came up changing the course of sessions. Years ago i saw someone who showed a red flag when he kept comparing my actions to his actions implyi g I was stupid getting into the situation I was in. Needless to say i stopped seeing him

Green flag is when therapist says have you thought about trying..... When their suggestion shows they really understand what is important to you but aren't trying to force you. Another time we decided to have a joint session with hsb. Prior to session the therapist clarified exactly what I was happy for him to share so my privacy was maintained but session could be effective. He then spome privately to my hsb so he could get his perspective. Then we met together to discuss the issues which really impacted me and the therapist helped us find a workable solution. Showing respect and understanding is imperitive

What were your red flags and green flags when finding a therapist?

Guest9337 — Tue, 13 Jul 2021 06:32:21 GMT

Yeh the ethics lens, I like that idea thanks.

It's about knowing the ethics mandated, at least reading them once. Then noticing ones reactions to perceived breaches, considering rationally the noticed reaction, then taking action.

So if professional diminishes something I've said, then I'll note that "denigration" is clearly defined in the psych's ethics as a breach. How I notice is to notice the emotional rush I experienced about their act/speech.

Sometimes the rush is anger, sometimes sadness or frustration, whatever emotion it is, is reason enough to begin a more rational examination of the potential breach. That emotional rush does not permit me/us to conclude such a feeling is sufficient of itself as evidence for the breach, instead the erush is just enough to have a look and think.

So it all starts just by noticing.

What were your red flags and green flags when finding a therapist?

LJpd81 — Fri, 16 Jul 2021 10:37:35 GMT

I haven't even seen my psychologist yet. But so far my red flag is when the psychologist promises to call you to give you an appointment and more than a week later, I have heard nothing. So not wasting my time and my vulnerabilities and emotions on someone who can't be bothered to get back to me.

Green flag. I contacted a new psychologist who deals with my issues and she responds. And was interested in what my issues were. I now have 6 appointments.

I think if someone doesn't respond, I would not use them. Somonone who returns your emails and cares, then definitely.

What were your red flags and green flags when finding a therapist?

Guest9337 — Fri, 16 Jul 2021 21:37:35 GMT

Another way at looking at poor contact from a professional is, if they are so busy they are unable to call, then maybe that's an indication they are really popular and likely to be a quality service.

What were your red flags and green flags when finding a therapist?

LJpd81 — Sun, 18 Jul 2021 10:26:05 GMT

Yes possible I guess. My gut feeling says she is slack and unprofessional though.

What were your red flags and green flags when finding a therapist?

Guest9337 — Mon, 19 Jul 2021 00:34:34 GMT

Seek to more clearly define the possiblities of your guess.

Your gut feeling is one source of information about the situation, what are your other sources?

What were your red flags and green flags when finding a therapist?

LJpd81 — Mon, 19 Jul 2021 10:15:47 GMT

I don't have any. But it's strange I never heard back. No point chasing. I have a new psychologist now.