topic Re: I could just scream in Staying well

Beyond the Blue Horizon

amd1953 — Thu, 17 Jul 2025 01:03:40 GMT

I sense that I am approaching the blue horizon. Even so, it retreats further away from me as if trying to conceal something important from me. What is there to hide that is worth so much subterfuge? What is it I need to know in this final stage of life? Who knows? Who cares? Well, I certainly do. I want to understand everything that comes my way whether it is meant for me or not. Life is short enough without the sensation of feeling cheated and deceived. The challenge is to discover how to cut through the nonsense that cloaks its true meaning. If I were a camel, I would feel at home in the desert. If I were a dromedary, I would, indeed, feel cheated. See Wikipedia for camels/dromedaries. Spoiler alert! A dromedary only has one hump. If I were searching for a new home, I would look to the exoplanets. Cosmologically speaking, a much better place to permanently reside. The moon would be much too close for comfort. I am thinking another galaxy would be great. Certainly within a short drive to the restaurant at the end of the universe for tea and crumpets. Like Albert Camus, I am a rebel without a cause. I choose the absurdist rather than the existentialist philosophy. Everything in this life is engineered towards those with skills, talent and the will to succeed. I have now lost sight of the blue horizon. I am in freefall back to earth where I will lie quietly in the lush meadows and star at the blue sky.

amd1953

Re: Beyond the Blue Horizon

white knight — Thu, 17 Jul 2025 04:02:00 GMT

Hi, welcome

Thankyou for what i read as a metaphor of your inner self of im not mistaken. That's special and such deep thinking is rare and even more rarely shared. I enjoy astrology but, as a poet I struggle to leave our planet especially since ive spent 50 years seeking ways to exist here, yes in my 20's I made several attempts to hermitage and never return, it didn't work, a compromise was found. The "at arms reach" method works for me and I can still live in the corner of the bush.

THE CORNER OF THE BUSH

Given society a gentle push
Arrived in the corner of the bush
Moved fast lane aside for harmony
Closer to ones own – destiny

Shadow moon shines infinitely
Night owls a symphony
Sitting arms in Buddha pose
Spiders allowed to dance upon my nose

Furry paws best caring hand
No shield needed in wonderland
No internet, no dog and bone
All the stones are never thrown

In the corner of the bush
Give society a gentle push
Blending bark with your skin
Protesters nearby – but they will not win

Children nearby ‘hide and seek’
We all end up as a compost heap
Fun and more fun echoes all around
Some life lived – some never found

Further and further into branches and leaves
Like us, do animals grieve?
Bush no need for duck and weave
Only matters – what you believe

Hark the bells of sanity
No mirror for your vanity
Rocks thrown from a cowards lair
I’m in the bush…no quarry there

Trip over plastic traps
Cradle broken bird in your lap
Send society with that gentle push
From the corner of the bush

(TonyWK)

(Many poems in "poets corner post your poems here- use search)

So this deep thinking, it unique, it's yours, have you got any mental health issues? O have bipolar2, dysthymia, under the spectrum high F.

TonyWK

Re: Beyond the Blue Horizon

amd1953 — Thu, 17 Jul 2025 07:21:05 GMT

Hello White Knight,

I am always afraid of saying too much or never enough on some of these posts to this forum. Not everyone appreciates the depths to which some people might go. It might be considered inappropriate in some cases.

amd1953

Re: Beyond the Blue Horizon

white knight — Thu, 17 Jul 2025 11:54:31 GMT

Not at all, I enjoyed every word. Your reflection does seem to reflect some low self esteem but that's not the end of the world.

Considering many people never think of fantasy, dreams or any other brain exercise we create... to possess that is a gift, it is therefore rare and for like minded individuals it's comforting.

Can I ask you if you've attempted writing at all? I think there's some talent hidden away.

Breathe easy, you are only judged in a positive way here.

Here's something to cheers you up

MY OWN CLOWN

I have a clown I hold in my hand

When I'm happy, he's a colourful one man band

And when he's sad, I see him through a blur

sitting sadly and moping, we both were

One day, one to forget

I watched him with arms begging

in circles walking, emotionally level pegging

I said to him- "why do you copy me clown"?

He sat and looked "I copy you when you're up, and I copy you when you're down

I stared closer to his face and got a shock to see

his face was so familiar...it was a mirror image of me...

TonyWK

Simple Pleasures

amd1953 — Sun, 20 Jul 2025 09:17:42 GMT

Today, I went for a walk in the winter sunshine. I sat beside a fresh mountain spring and listened to the stories it had to tell. The older I get the more I find pleasure in the very simple things that life has to offer.

I like to escape the noise and haste of the city and make my way up beyond the treeline where the light falls of snow are lying like coconut icing on a cake. I stop to listen to the wind through the tree branches.

It is like a quiet whisper that carries the wisdom of the ages. I hear the birds singing but they stay well out of sight because I don't belong here. Eventually, the trees end, and I can look down into the valley below to where the city spreads out like a sleeping snow leopard. I meet up with the stream again and stand alone, quietly watching the fresh clean water cascade over the mossy rocks worn smooth by age. What a magical place this is and what a privilege it is to experience the peace and solitude it provides.

amd1953

Re: Simple Pleasures

Eagle Ray — Wed, 23 Jul 2025 08:39:49 GMT

Dear amd1953,

I just wanted to say that was so beautiful to read. Thank you for sharing it. Finding those moments of connection with the elements of nature are so grounding and stilling. It is truly magical, as you say. I really feel there are stories to hear in running water too, and in the wind in the trees. I feel even rocks hold memories and stories.

Knowing it was going to be wild, woolly weather today, I made sure I got out for a walk yesterday. I walked to a large granite rock by the river where rivulets of water are running across it and patches of green moss are growing. The first wildflowers are appearing already. I watched a cormorant skimming over the river's surface. The Quacking Frogs were in full voice, calling from near the river's edge.

Today there has been dramatic sweeping rain, rumbling thunder and flickering lightning. It's nice to be cosy inside and see the drama unfold outside.

Undiagnosed Dilemma

amd1953 — Mon, 03 Nov 2025 21:42:29 GMT

After completing a few surveys online over the past week and doing my own research on certain mental health issues, I managed to tick all of the boxes that point to ADHD. This doesn't really surprise me at all because I have had my suspicions since childhood. Those charming little eccentricities that were regarded as cute or novel have now come home to roost. The interesting thing about all of this is that it explains everything in one fell swoop. The general consensus is to consult with a qualified professional beginning with your GP. At the age of 72, I don't think making a big fuss about it is going to change anything. What is the point? I have lived with it for seven decades and it seems farcical for one more person to burden the health care system. I refuse to take any more medication. However, simply knowing about it is similar to completing one of those pictureless jigsaw puzzles. It's just nice to know.

amd1953

Re: Undiagnosed Dilemma

white knight — Wed, 05 Nov 2025 02:51:07 GMT

Hi, welcome

This is a good post because you are entering your twilight years like myself and that puts us into a different mindset.

Unlike yourself I'm stable as can be for bipolar on medication, but, honestly, I wouldnt strive to seek the fixes I did in my late 40's.

So what is important here is- if you have any mental illness the following is important-

that your behaviour/actions dont effect your relationships
that your personal life is manageable without pain and disruption
That your sleeping patterns are tolerable
that you listen to others assessments of your lifestyle and actions/reactions to others because some people are unaware of their affect on others.

The last one is interesting. I have bipolar, anxiety etc and I attended a therapist a few years ago. He took notice that I was very sensitive to loud noise. In fact I chastised my wife for yelling during a meeting with him. She siad she didnt yell, I disagreed, the therapist told me she didnt yell... it was that moment the interview took a different path and in the end I was told I was likely to be full functioning autistic. Well I researched that and yet another piece of the puzzle was confirmed in my mind (but I didnt get a full diagnosis because- same as you said at 70yo I could see the benefit). That gave me insight and help my wife and I understand why I reacted to different things more than I should.

BTW originally 20+ years ago I was diagnosed with ADHD. It was only 6 years later that it was found to be an incorrect diagnosis... it was bipolar. See the mania side of ADHD mirrored mania in bipolar. So, thats where professional opinion has its benefits. Dr Google can give us some possibles but also be entirely wrong.

Thankyou for your post

TonyWK

You can't win them all

amd1953 — Wed, 12 Nov 2025 18:19:54 GMT

Anything I write on this forum is not meant to be a "woe is me tale" but a conscious effort to ease the pain of memory of the past. Experience has taught me that a lot of people, perhaps the majority, can suffer extremes and then just as easily shrug it all off as a bad deal and move on with their lives. For those of us who find themselves in horrendous situations and are hyper-sensitive to every ripple in the matrix, we have to sit down and absorb the impact and then understand it. I am one of those people and my invisible antennae crackle with static electricity when my senses are overwhelmed with data. Carl Jung said that it isn't the external events or people that cause us the most pain but the way we process it mentally. Someone once told me that I analyse everything too much. The next day, in a book on writing, I read that all good writers analyse their surroundings. I rest my case on that one. I'm certainly not claiming to be good, but I do analyse everything. Since childhood, I have to understand as much about the world that I can process, especially with people. I don't expect everyone to agree with me. If you are of a certain character and temperament, you will be empathetic and compassionate to everyone. Even those who refuse to understand your methods or motives. There seems to be so much sadness and anger in the world today that I have had to literally withdraw from the world due to mental overload. We cannot control anything that is external to ourselves. Harnessing the power of the mind is therefore essential to wellbeing and realising that this is an imperfect world. You can't win them all.

amd1953

Re: You can't win them all

white knight — Wed, 19 Nov 2025 23:35:15 GMT

Hi, Re: "...just as easily shrug it all off as a bad deal and move on with their lives." Dwelling is in my family. A classic example is in 1976 I had a physical fight with a fellow airman in the Air Force. I apologised to him in 1977 even though I drove 4 hours one way to do so and was rejected. Fast forward to 2012 and Facebook, I found his site. He's moved to Canada. Again now 35 years later I messaged him apologising again- rejected by being blocked. Confused I sort the discussion with friends, every one of them agreed that they would have forgotten about it after the first apology and not have driven 4 hours to do so. That gave me awareness that I was excessive in my hanging onto the past and my guilt was extreme.

Carl Jung was so right, our mental reactions are not mainstream normal. But like many things out of the ordinary, we can change some things, alter some a little and some we cannot change. Those things we cant change it is better to find acceptance. One good example of this is sensitivity. There is HSP- Highly Sensitive People that can account for up to 20% of all people. Then there's sensitivity based or originating from mental illness. Eg I got some of my excessive sensitivity from my mothers undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder and some from Dysthymia (constant low mood depression) that came from one childhood trauma. I've taken a heap of criticism from others about it but as I began to learn that it isnt curable my approach has been "well it isnt fixable so "please try to accept my sensitivity as part of my makeup"

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/sensitive-beyond-reasonable/td-p/165991

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/depression/highly-sensitive-people-hsp/td-p/480942

On the flip side some people lack all empathy. I've learned to accept that in them but like you I keep my distance from them. This is quite clear with them not showing empathy to mental illness sufferers.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/they-just-wont-understand-why/td-p/172737

The result is as you say hibernation. I see that as a good thing- self enforced boundaries that allow us a happier life especially if we plough our minds into a passion. I've had several- model airplanes, house building and trike building and many other inventive things like making a train out of a ride on mower where the locomotive continued to mow our lawns lol. Those things kept my sanity but toxic friends and family particularly narcissistic types are out of my life. That even included my mother and sister that were destructive. Very sad but essential actions for my well being.

It is indeed an imperfect world. I've enjoyed your posts. Reply anytime if you like.

TonyWK

Merry Christmas 2025

amd1953 — Tue, 23 Dec 2025 23:55:36 GMT

Once again, I am going to wish the world a very merry Christmas and a happy new year for 2026.

Best wishes for inner peace and harmony

amd1953

Re: Merry Christmas 2025

Croix — Wed, 24 Dec 2025 10:56:23 GMT

Dear Amd1953~

Thank you for you good wishes, I see it's at least the second time you have done this. While not everyone celebrates Christmas the feels behind it of family, friendship, goodwill and peace are pretty universal and much to be wished for.

It does present a time where people, who might not have seen each other thought the year can at least send messages and catch up

Do you have any special plans for the 25th? I will go visit my son, daughter-in-law and grandson.

Croix

Re: Merry Christmas 2025

Croix — Thu, 25 Dec 2025 11:53:46 GMT

TO OUR MODERATORS, after hours and business hours alike.

I'd like to give a thought to our moderators who endevour to keep this the safest place for all of us

I'd wish them all a happy holiday break and an excellent year for them all ahead. you are valued.

I would hope others would join me in these wishes

Croix

Hello Croix Thank you so much for your kind words. Mess...

Sophie_M — Thu, 25 Dec 2025 12:53:53 GMT

Hello Croix

Thank you so much for your kind words.
Messages like this truly mean a lot to the moderation team.
We're grateful to be apart of a community that looks out for one another and we appreciate your thoughtfulness and support.
Wishing you and everyone in our community and beyond a safe and restful holiday period as well.

Warm regards
Sophie M

10 wishes never realised

amd1953 — Mon, 23 Mar 2026 16:56:37 GMT

1. I wish I had fought back against the bullies at school

2. I wish I had run away from home when I had the chance.

3. I wish I had accepted one job over another.

4 I wish that I had never married.

5. I wish that I had never joined the ADF.

6. I wish I had been born better looking than I am.

7. I wish that I had been born smarter.

8. I wish my parents had never met.

9. I wish that I had not wasted so much time trying to fit in

10. I wish that I could leave this world behind me and fly to another.

Re: 10 wishes never realised

Croix — Tue, 24 Mar 2026 16:09:12 GMT

Dear Amd1953~

I've looked at the things you wish had been different and think some you have already accomplished. Your past posts show you are smart, and you fit in here just fine without effort. Your Christmas message show a kindness in you.

You now now how to handle bullies, after all they could pop up anywhere, not just at school. Similarly now you know how to interrelate on an equal basis with others.

I could go on though the rest however I'm sure you can see that there are often hidden benefits in things you wish at first had never happened.

I wish now I'd never joined the police as it made me ill and recovery has been long. At the time I was full of enthusiasm and enjoyed it. Which is better, I don't know.

I know if I'd left my parents I would not have ended up with a guide as to what not to do as a parent, from a grim upbringing came wisdom and able parenting.

Most importantly you do already leave this world and fly to many others, from the fun galaxy of Douglas Adams to the horribly logical world of Albert Camus and there is so much more others have conceived.

As I get on in life I, like most, have regrets about situations, about the actions and choices I made, but I have the opposite too, a long list of what went well, what I enjoyed or took satisfaction from.

You can prize the knowledge you have gained though your experiences, good and bad, and now know what to look for.

DON'T PANIC <--(large friendly letters)

Croix

Help Yourself

amd1953 — Thu, 26 Mar 2026 04:26:35 GMT

When I was going through the worst phases of my life, I could only place my faith in one person and that was the person who I saw in the mirror each morning. I had no one else to turn to for support. I had to go through it all alone. That was the way I was raised, to try to solve my own problems and just stop moaning and get on with it. That is what I had to do whether I liked it or not. At the time, I felt like the lowest most wretched person on the planet and I was sure the rest of the world was laughing at my misfortunes. There was no support number to dial, no reassuring voice at the other end. No one was coming to save me. If I wanted to survive, I had to work it all out myself. And that is precisely what I did. It was like walking through the valley of death but eventually, I came out into the sunshine at the end of it. Of course, it was an ordeal and of course, I endured pain and suffering, frustration and disappointment. When I look back on those terrible times, they are now just a dim dark memory and that is where I want them to stay. I have nobody to thank but myself. I pulled myself out of the abyss that threatened to swallow me up whole. The hard-hitting truth about being alive is that the majority of people do not give a hoot about anyone else unless it affects them directly. Look at the world today and think about that.

Peace and Love

amd1953

Re: Help Yourself

Psychdiaries2 — Thu, 26 Mar 2026 09:34:17 GMT

Hey there,

Nice to see you back on the forums, I'm glad you're here!

It is truly a commendable thing to do to not give up and to keep going, especially when you're going through the worst all alone. You sound really proud of yourself for working hard and getting to the other side of a dark time. And you should be proud! It's not easy to struggle, particularly when you are your only cheerleader.

I'm sure your post will encourage and uplift those who are struggling with something today. Wishing you well!

Re: Help Yourself

trying_my_best — Thu, 26 Mar 2026 10:25:41 GMT

Hi amd1953!

As another person who went through tough times alone, I’m glad that you have found your way to this forum! It is truely something incredibly strong to go through something alone, but I know that if I had the knowledge of these resources when I went through my hard time maybe I wouldn’t jab felt as alone. So I commend you for joining the forum even after getting yourself through that period! Because I didn’t.

Wishing you the best 🫶

From a slave to a king

amd1953 — Thu, 26 Mar 2026 23:10:10 GMT

In the past, which is where I used to live, I was a willing slave to autonomy. These days, I am the king of all I survey. As a child I was already preprogrammed to obey the dictates of the "grownups" otherwise I would be punished. Well, how could anyone not want to strive to be so good that one becomes the personification of perfection. In those days, anyone older than me knew better than me and I was expected to toe the line and do what I was told. Even teachers had the blessing of the system to mete out corporal punishment and all in the name of authoritarianism. A swift slap across the side of the head was bound to work wonders for any errant wrongdoer. This is why I hated school. I had to contend with bullies and the teachers. I had such high hopes for when I finally left the school system. How wrong I was. I found so-called adults to be bigger children as far as sensibility went. However, now I am the keeper of the keys to the kingdom of heaven. Well, heaven on earth at least. As an ageing, grumpy old man, I have the power to lose the attitude and become a better person in a metaphysical sense. But do I really want to, I ask myself. Is it just some kind of deranged dream? Who knows?