topic Re: Helping a partner who witnessed an attempt in Staying well

Helping a partner who witnessed an attempt

anonymous-ant — Thu, 07 May 2026 04:15:48 GMT

Hey everyone,

I was fortunate enough to survive an attempt a week ago and am now seeking help after being hospitalised.

However, I am struggling to help my partner who was the one who found me. I want to be able to support him but also give him space as I don’t want to lose him.

Seeking advice from those who had partners who attempted and what I can do to help him during this time also.

Thank you x

Re: Helping a partner who witnessed an attempt

white knight — Thu, 07 May 2026 05:00:51 GMT

Hi, welcome

So sorry for your ordeal, this anonymous site is ideal to chat about such topics so I hope you find it comforting.

The first thing that went through my mind is how fortunate you were to have him there to help. I was on my own in my attempt and saved myself. I hardly ever look back on it now and it was in 1996. There's a positive in every negative and the positive is that an incident like that you can both one day look back and realise how much you endured together. Eventually it becomes a book of life together.

The best thing you can do is twofold. 1. To reassure him (and family members) that you are recovering and you anticipate it is a once off. That you feel like you had to fall down that far before you could rebound back. It was like that for me anyway. 2. That it wasnt his fault, no matter the circumstances, we can never put even partial blame on others.

Your partner might want to remain humble which is a great characteristic but we all like a little recognition so its nice to go out say for dinner and hand him a card of thankyou. A simple $5 card can mean a lot even if he doesnt seem to respond how you think he should, inside he'll appreciate it.

From a male viewpoint as time goes by you can mention the fact that he was wonderful that day and that you appreciate being with him. "You are a real man" are words my wife tells me about a incident we had when I supported her during a emotional breakdown. I loved that. Men now lacking identity as men whereas in the past there was a distinction, men like to think they have courage, strength and family responsibility but its rare now that they get the opportunity to feel that they are putting those strengths into practice. Now its all "but women can do that". I agree but men like to believe they are better at some things. I'm 70yo so I hope you understand my old fashioned feelings as non misogynistic.

I hope that helps you and reply anytime if you choose. I'm here daily

TonyWK

Re: Helping a partner who witnessed an attempt

anonymous-ant — Thu, 07 May 2026 06:12:06 GMT

Hi Tony,

Thank you so much for responding. I saw him this morning for the first time since (we don’t live together). I apologised for everything I’ve put him through and thanked him for being there. It just felt different between us though and I’m terrified that we won’t go back to how close we were before or I might lose him entirely.

If you don’t mind me asking, how long did it take for you and your partner to be back on track again?

Thanks again

Re: Helping a partner who witnessed an attempt

white knight — Fri, 08 May 2026 01:16:54 GMT

When I made my one and only attempt in 1996 2 young kids it was at the end of a 11 year marriage to a woman that was extremely lazy while I worked 3 jobs, one shift work, to enable her to remain home with the kids. I was burnt out, suffering with unknown bipolar unmedicated and desperate. The thought of leaving my kids to just survive my wife was unbearable.

So, anyway I survived and one week later another round of abuse from her broke the camels back, I had to leave. In fact when I begged her to save our marriage she blew cigarette smoke in my face, thats was the end. I drove off crying but at the end of the street, burst into laughter- I survived!! My dad previously said "best to become the best part time dad than no dad at all". So, it never reconciled.

You might have to be patient and also consider that everyone handles these things differently. I'd suggest that you mark your calendar for 3 months from now. At that time judge the situation- has he forgiven me but more appropriate- has he understood me and why I chose such a desperate measure? Have we moved on? Does he trust me and I him? Do I think this will work out in the long term? Have I received enough support from online, the community and therapy sessions? Do I still feel vulnerable and at risk? Is this man capable of showing me enough support without resentment? In your situation you can never have enough support and reassurance.

So my 3 previous relationships of 7,11,10 years I believed at the time were compatible, they weren't. The 7 year one she had those insecurity problems leaving me every week and returning 2 days later, my marriage as mentioned above and the 10 year one she was a terrible cruel step mother to my children and she was controlling. We all can indeed fall in love with people that are "close" to compatible but over time the differences are highlighted. We end up saying to ourselves "why didnt I see it clearer and earlier".

My wife now of 15 years - well we knew each other as she was married to my once brother in law. She also was a non blood favourite aunty to my kids so when we got together she was the perfect fit. Our compatibility is extraordinary. She says we came from the same womb lol. The level of contentment is wonderful. I'd advise anyone that if they have ongoing issues with their partner to reassess compatibility. Often squirmish's never cease and it isnt happiness.

If you'd like to introduce more details I am more than willing to keep the conversation going.

"what is compatibility? It's the non existence of expectations beyond normal partner obligations, its laughter more than suspicion, its benefit of the doubt more often than doubt, its support over inner need and its rock solid trust with infinite wonder of your partner..." TonyWK

TonyWK

Re: Helping a partner who witnessed an attempt

therising — Fri, 08 May 2026 08:22:27 GMT

Hi anonymous-ant

I just want to start by saying I'm glad you survived. An opportunity to learn how to live after having hit rock bottom in depression, is an opportunity that can offer us things beyond our imagining.

I think that how we speak with people beyond our attempt depends a lot on the people. Some people can be 'matter of fact' people, whereas others can be deeply feeling people. Some are good at processing thoughts and feelings, whereas others can need a lot of guidance when it comes to processing. Some people can relate, based on their own mental health challenges, whereas others just can't relate at all. Again, it depends on the person and their needs.

Maybe it's worth asking your partner what he needs from you right now. Perhaps his needs will act as a form of guidance for you. If he says he needs for you to speak to someone, so as to feel reassured that you have guidance at this time in your life, finding someone for you to speak to would be the way to go. If he says he needs time and space to process his own feelings about it all, asking him how much time and space he needs would be respectful. If he says he wants to talk about what happened and how he feels but doesn't know how to start that conversation, you becoming the thoughtful leader of that conversation would be something worth considering. How to lead that conversation can be challenging yet rewarding as it develops us into becoming more conscious.

Having been in both positions, attempting and having someone close to me attempt (both going back many years), I discovered a variety of attitudes. Some people don't want to talk about it or revisit what happened. Others want to talk about it and talk about their concerns when they see signs of rock bottom happening again. Sometimes it's about taking responsibility for ongoing forms of reassurance. Btw, if people didn't care or love us deeply, they wouldn't look for reassurance.

If your partner's interested in gaining insight, maybe directing him towards the forums here might serve him. It might help him gain a greater sense of understanding from the viewpoint of someone who can express what facing the worst day of their life feels like and what the inner dialogue can sound like. Interacting with people who can reassure him how that can change over time may be something he needs to hear. There are just so many stories out there about how people who experience depression never get better and how it's a life long struggle. Managing the ability to feel what's depressing and gaining the skills for tackling that ability is a quest with many questions. The right answers or revelations make all the difference. Or maybe he'd appreciate chatting with people on the forums here who can relate to his experience, while offering him some insight into the mixed emotions that can be felt.❤️