topic Re: How to reconnect with people and regain social interaction/make new friends/connections in Staying well

How to reconnect with people and regain social interaction/make new friends/connections

Thelongestroad — Wed, 19 Mar 2025 12:30:56 GMT

Hi im a 37 year old single man struggling to regain a social life again due to a combination of things such as depression, unemployment, addiction, jail. And life constantly being disrupted and set back time and time again.

im constantly isolated from people as i live alone. I just feel stuck in life. I wish I could find a way to meet someone and build a new life but I don’t know how.. I’ve drifted apart from all my friends and family but want to move forward and want to life a fulfilling life but struggling with not only being unemployed but poor and depressed and lonely. I’m just tired of living that way I want to live a more fulfilling life but struggling with direction not knowing where to start.

Re: How to reconnect with people and regain social interaction/make new friends/connections

white knight — Thu, 20 Mar 2025 01:07:19 GMT

Hi, welcome

Well I dip my hat mate because you are down in the dumps, honest and open and thats a good start.

I'm 69yo but at 39yo was just separated from my 1st wife and young kids, regardless that I had a job siddenly I was challenged by living in a 11 foot caravan in a caravan park wondering what my future was going to be and my future with my kids. This went on for several weeks however I had one advantage. See at 26yo I had attended a motivation lecture that changed my view of life. From that I knew that no one was going to help me very much, that my greatest asset was always going to be my own motivation. I saw a block of land for sale and built my own kit home and I was on my way.

You situation and history is quite different but the ingredients of mindset are always the same- motivation. That "never give up" can be difficult to maintain, there will be lulls then highs but once you achieve one taks it will help you reach the next one. The only thing you need as well is what you said- a direction.

A short story. In 1989 I worked in a factory. Every Thursday a Vietnamese man (he arrived by boat as a refugee) knocked on our door looking for work. I turned him away for 6 weeks. My manager was present one Thursday and he knocked on the door again, I sent him away- then the manager asked about him, told my manager he knocked every Thursday for 6 weeks... my manager yelled out at the man and gave him a cleaning job and in a short time he was promoted. An example of making your own luck.

Confidence is a hard one to obtain. Of the people you are in contact with like at the supermarket, Chemist etc try to by friendly and ask questions, one question will lead to another. When single I asked a lady if she was single and she said no but her sister was and before I knew it I was on a date. People like open and friendliness.

So there would be sports, crafts and hobbies in your area. The local council would have ideas on that. A country town is easier to get to know people and they dont tend to move away.

As a single man back at 39yo I found that to meet a potential partner was more difficult than in my early 20's. Most ladies had children and thats ok (I did as well), but it meant asking myself and them if they were compatible with being in a step parent situation. Some arent suited to the task. I found that out when a lady I then lived with for 10 years was extremely jealous of my teenage daughters whereas I accepted her teens like my own kids. Just something to keep in mind. It is an example of making sure you are compatible in all areas before the relationship become serious. I found that the best step parent is one that loves all children.

So networking is the best way to meet people. Networking means expanding your social scene, meeting as many people as possible and disregarding the odd toxic person that gives you no comfort moving forward. Your past is in the past but a potential partner should become aware of the details after you form a connection and you can see a possible future with them. Too early and they could be afraid, too late and they'll feel you harboured your past. But regardless, humans make mistakes and if they are a potential for a future they should understand and accept your honesty- otherwise they aren't suitable. Another example of remaining positive.

I hope it works out for you., Reply anytime and here is a post below that might help. It's about that lecture at 26yo.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/30-minutes-can-change-your-life/td-p/154525

TonyWK

Re: How to reconnect with people and regain social interaction/make new friends/connections

Thelongestroad — Thu, 20 Mar 2025 03:31:16 GMT

Thanks guy or taking the time to read my post and I appreciate your insight a lot! I wish there was a place where I could meet new people.. I might start with returning to church and see if it helps. I feel like such a failure constantly and the depression is starting to physically affect my energy levels. I almost don’t feel like myself to a degree

Re: How to reconnect with people and regain social interaction/make new friends/connections

white knight — Thu, 20 Mar 2025 04:27:21 GMT

Well church is a very good start. Sometimes they have groups of church members that gather for different tasks including voluntary projects. It doesnt matter what you do as long as you continue to try. Your best is good enough. Effort brings results and I'm confident you are already on your way with this.

TonyWK

Re: How to reconnect with people and regain social interaction/make new friends/connections

Thelongestroad — Fri, 21 Mar 2025 01:37:47 GMT

It’s been a struggle for me for years I spend nearly every day alone unless I have to go to the shops or something like that.. I’m really feeling the pain atm as I’m unemployed. I feel like a ghost the amount of my life that has been wasted by being alone. Do you have any advice?

Re: How to reconnect with people and regain social interaction/make new friends/connections

white knight — Fri, 21 Mar 2025 10:40:51 GMT

I made a tough decision at 17yo to join the military defence force where I was never alone. The commraderie was high. In fact at 37 you're not too old to join but that's a personal choice.

Gone are the days you'd socialise by just attending a dance around the corner. Today, to seek a partner computer dating is the go. My daughter met her husband that way.

Computer dating is ok providing you meet at say a cafe, not expensive meet up.

Apart from that join a volleyball or similar sport. There's even hiking clubs.

TonyWK

Re: How to reconnect with people and regain social interaction/make new friends/connections

Thelongestroad — Sat, 22 Mar 2025 07:56:50 GMT

I have considered joining the military several times but never followed through with it as I ended up returning to work or studying. Most of the people I grew up with all have their own families and stable lives, but I have fallen behind in life in all areas worse and worse as time has gone by. I miss living with other people also as I now live alone making things worse.. I feel like my life is wasting away and there’s only so much I can do.

Re: How to reconnect with people and regain social interaction/make new friends/connections

white knight — Sat, 22 Mar 2025 09:42:39 GMT

I can relate, however there's a flip side and thats- life is what you make it. That's not to say you are ready just yet to make life changing decisions, you're unemployed, not a good place to be and depression with a past with addiction is challenging to say the least.

I don't want to sound condescending but you seem to have gotten through major hurdles in your life and to reach this point where you're lost and alone is still a great achievement.

So, if you attend the council Chambers and ask to be put in contact with groups in town they can point you in the right direction. And remember, you only need one friendly person that is a members of group to introduce yourself. There's also men's sheds.

What has been your interests in the past?

TonyWK

Re: How to reconnect with people and regain social interaction/make new friends/connections

Thelongestroad — Sat, 22 Mar 2025 10:24:04 GMT

Thanks will look into that, I appreciate your ideas as it’s nice to have some fresh ideas from a mind outside of my own.

I’ve had a lot of different interests some of the are music cooking I used to work on my own cars, fitness, travel, philosophy.

I haven’t ever had a lot of money so I still haven’t ventured as far as I would have liked in these things. I’ve missed out on a lot of things in life that make me sad to think about like birthdays marriages being involved with other families ect that lack of these memories is what has been eating away at me for some time it makes me feel so empty and bitter. I never thought I would end up like this as there once was better times when still had friends and family and all the things that come with that. Now I’m alone broke unemployed depressed I feel like my life is in fixable every day

Re: How to reconnect with people and regain social interaction/make new friends/connections

white knight — Sat, 22 Mar 2025 13:04:09 GMT

Philosophy?, interesting.

You might be interested in your spare time to google the following-

Youtube prem rawat maharaji all is well

Youtube prem rawat maharaji sunset

And many more you'll see listed on YouTube. I've followed him for 39 years now.

There are walking groups that don't use expensive gyms and hiking groups.

TonyWK

Re: How to reconnect with people and regain social interaction/make new friends/connections

Thelongestroad — Sun, 23 Mar 2025 07:39:02 GMT

Thanks for contributing, the name didn’t ring any bells but I remember seeing him on a show that used to be on channel 31 here in Melbourne.

on another note I have reached out to the church in regards to life groups so hopefully that gets the ball rolling. I’m slowly starting to make an effort to stay in shape and have started up doing some weight training and dips every day.. I’m feeling a bit better as of today even with just a few small things toward a greater goal but it definitely has helped having somebody to talk to along the way I’m thankful for your help..

what are your interests? what kind of career do you have ?

Re: How to reconnect with people and regain social interaction/make new friends/connections

white knight — Sun, 23 Mar 2025 14:45:25 GMT

I've mainly been a self employed roaming investigator in rural areas. Worked alone. Mainly fraud, cattle theft, corporate fraud etc.

However I'm a tinkerer at home at 69 now retired. I've built houses and caravans and into motorcycles.

I built cubby houses when unemployed. Started up my own lawn mowing round.

Very much Jack of all trades.

TonyWK

Re: How to reconnect with people and regain social interaction/make new friends/connections

Thelongestroad — Sun, 23 Mar 2025 22:47:01 GMT

That sounds like an interesting field of work! Sounds like you know a thing or two about keeping busy..

Re: How to reconnect with people and regain social interaction/make new friends/connections

white knight — Mon, 24 Mar 2025 01:22:50 GMT

Talking about keeping bust, in 1996 I split with my 1st wife and we had 2 young kids. I lived in a 3 metre long caravan in a caravan park. I was completely lost for 8 weeks as I had lost- my full time fatherhood, neighbours, dog, home, town etc. Then one day I walked past a real estate agent and there was a block of land for sale in a small town. I didnt have money but I did have a credit card for $3,000 limit. I withdrew the $3,000 and put it in my savings, made a bank appointment to obtain a loan and they granted it for a maximum of $10,000, so I had a total of $13,000. I went to the auction and won for $12,500. It was nearly one acre, small town about 1 hour from the city. I was working as a security guard on a nearby Army base.

So my settlement from the house my wife and I owned was the shed I had built, she got the house, an old Victorian house not in good condition but our kids would remain in it. The large shed was pulled down and reassembled on the land and I added two attached carports from material being thrown away at the Army base and I then had a valuer attend to value the property. He measured the roof area of the garage and carports and I wondered why. He told me that any building on the property adds to the value and they go by square metres. So a few days later the value was recorded as $29,000. I was over the moon because it meant I instantly had equity in the property. I then got the bank to cancel the land loan and get a home loan for a kit home. For 8 months I worked 12 hours shift work and every spare moment built the kit home. I had little idea on how but google and asking people at work how to hang plaster etc I got by.

Some of the above is good luck but we make our own luck. I have a friend that's in her mid 20's. She had no way of paying rent and saving for a house. So she took my advice and bought an old Kombi van and camped every night in one of 3 locations within commuter range of the city where she worked. Those places were free camps with toilets nearby. She is about to apply for a 1st home owners grant and buy her home in a regional city where she can get a transfer in her nursing job. A bonus was that her Kombi has tripled in value as run down as it is.

Finally, I've lived in many towns and communities. I was also in the Airforce as a young guy. Some towns arent good for socialising, others are great. This is where living in a caravan as you live in towns is beneficial as you can find out how the towns people are. A town of over 3,000 people but less than 7,000 is the ideal size with supermarket, medical and jobs. But you might not want to move. One hitchhiker I picked up in the 1970's was completely lost mentally, he was leaving the city after finding his wife in bed with his mate. He ended up at a sheep station as a cook and fell in love with one of the workers there. His decisions were radical but with radical moves you can end up better off if your state of mind is really low. If you feel really low and think there is no escaping your depression, consider a radical move... thanks for reading. I hope I'm helping with alternatives

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/when-all-is-lost-what-can-you-do-be-radical/td-p/47450

TonyWK

Re: How to reconnect with people and regain social interaction/make new friends/connections

Thelongestroad — Mon, 24 Mar 2025 04:40:59 GMT

That’s quite a read my friend! Yeah you have definitely helped me more than you probably realise. How was life in the airforce when you were starting out

Re: How to reconnect with people and regain social interaction/make new friends/connections

white knight — Mon, 24 Mar 2025 12:15:28 GMT

I joined 4 days after my 17th birthday. I was immature and them days wasn't aware of any bipolar and autism issues that were found in my 40's. So I left as soon as I could after 3 years. That experience certainly gave me a launching pad to other careers especially with a commendation from my work when cyclone Tracey hit Darwin.

The defence is a lifestyle that many have been successful at. But once discharged its hard to fit back in.

Are you in a city or regional area?. I was going to suggest joining the local fire brigade. I did 12 years as a volunteer and it helps with networking with people. I know of one guy that joined the men's shed, unemployed the president of that owned a factory and offered him a job. It's how it all works, more people you meet, more chance to advance.

TonyWK

Re: How to reconnect with people and regain social interaction/make new friends/connections

Thelongestroad — Tue, 25 Mar 2025 01:28:48 GMT

Not feeling great today for some reason I was out and about yesterday had a few errands to take care of and got my 10000steps in for the day had a healthy dinner but I have this underlying deep worry that my life is not going to turn out to be the way I want it I have a fear of getting worse more lonely for longer and lacking the necessary amount of healthy interactions and relationships..

Re: How to reconnect with people and regain social interaction/make new friends/connections

white knight — Tue, 25 Mar 2025 08:15:56 GMT

Not good mate.

Once my therapist asked me how my week went. Told him of all my intrusive thoughts like- my boss was going to knock on my door, an old girlfriend would meet up with my wife, my car would break down.... then he asked- which of those are realistically likely to happen? "Mm, none!." So, you're wasting time and thinking on nothing real?

He told me to always ask myself- "is that thought realistic"? If not change your thinking and if that's too hard, be distracted by other things.

Distraction is a very efficient tool. Once I walked our dogs around the block. I saw an old lady struggling with shopping bags so helped her, spoke to a local guy about his shovel he carried and he told me of a community vegetable garden and saw a koala near a kindergarten that the kids were in awe. All for a walk. Is this another example of "you make your own luck"?

However, being realistic also means making allowance for your down times for whatever reason. Eg my bipolar demands I have mania or depression, my moods swings between the two and meds regulate those swings in terms of extremes. So I allow the bad days to come and go, it's a routine now.

Interesting to know how you'll feel tomorrow. How do you sleep? Do you snore?

TonyWK

Re: How to reconnect with people and regain social interaction/make new friends/connections

Thelongestroad — Wed, 26 Mar 2025 00:12:21 GMT

You make a good point about intrusive thoughts, I like to think of myself as a realist. The concerns I’m facing are very real but I guess the fear of these things happening is toned down the more solutions, ideas and progress I make towards mitigating these things. I’m currently living in my family home but I have never earned enough to move out confidently without risk of losing my job one day and possibly becoming homeless. It’s things like this that are really eating away at my wellbeing. I woke up slightly easier today and have a few things to do to keep busy but my usual routine was to do said things and end up coming back home and just sitting on my phone rather than having something social to do or somebody to go visit

Re: How to reconnect with people and regain social interaction/make new friends/connections

white knight — Wed, 26 Mar 2025 00:47:43 GMT

Many years ago I set about removing things that worry me. Accommodation was always high on the list as was finances and inability to save money.

I was lucky that I had a defence home loan that set me up (but huge 2nd mortgage). So accommodation fears were reduced but on many occasions on this forum I've made the suggestion to members, in respect to the housing crisis, to purchase a campervan (as long as its mechanically ok) and stop at free camps overnight. Choose 3 or 4 free camps and rotate them. Imagine the rent saved? People can purchase Wikicamps, an app that costs only $10 one payment, that gives you free camps all around Australia with details on the sites- pets allowed, near a road, boggy ground, water, etc.

So that would always be insurance for you if you became homeless, so that fear should diminish in a short time and make you more financially secure. The less ideal situation is a small old caravan but you'd be towing everywhere. The advantage is, like a campervan, you'd be able to park it in someones back yard for a small rent.

The phone has plusses and minusses. It can be a form of social contact. Any interests you have can be channelled easily on Facebook like car clubs or local singles meet ups. The negative is the discipline required to put it down and do something- anything. So I developed an idea called "switching mindsets". This is a process like- say you're lying on a sofa and you really know you should be going for that daily walk. As soon as you begin to think about that walk you dont allow your mind to dictate your actions, better to physically put your runners on and just go- without much thinking about it. Here is the post.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/switching-mindsets/td-p/274532

Another thing that is obvious is the amount of worry you do. Worry is great for ulcers but apart from that it doesnt produce any positive outcome.

Here is a post on that-

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/worry-worry-worry/td-p/87808

There's an old saying- "action speaks louder than words". So to take one action a day that points towards a possibility of you improving your chances of meeting people or joining a club will be dramatic in the medium term. Ideally we should have short, medium and long range goals. Without goals we just exists day after day, the last day the same as today and tomorrow...

TonyWK