topic Re: I Contain Multitudes - Thoughts on Selves-healing in Staying well

I Contain Multitudes - Thoughts on Selves-healing

hello_mae — Mon, 08 Jul 2024 14:06:33 GMT

I had a realisation recently. As much as I've asked for it, help isn't coming. My friends and partner are busy with their work most days, I get to speak with my psychologist 1-2 times a month, and my psychiatrist every 3 months. I guess it's a good thing that my selfhood is actually multiple selves, multiple persons, multiple minds flowing through this one body, because in terms of actually healing, we're on our own. We've been trying to access EMDR, support workers to safely navigate our local community, NDIS over and over again, but they haven't helped. We're on our own - and that's both empowering and terrifying.

Tonight, it's definitely more terrifying. We've been sobbing a lot. It's so unfair. Our first major trauma, not counting the everyday neglect, started at 2 years old. We thought healing would be learning we could trust and depend on others, and in a way it is the case, but in a lot of ways it isn't. No one but us is here to rock our sobbing body and personhoods. How heartbreakingly lonely it is to be destroyed as a baby, and be the only one able to stitch yourself back together.

And - because there's always an "and" - that's okay. Everyday is a good day to do hard things. We can hurt and still show up for ourselves. These painful feelings are just that - feelings. They're experiences within our bodyminds. They're just a piece of our reality, not the entirety.

Re: I Contain Multitudes - Thoughts on Selves-healing

hello_mae — Tue, 09 Jul 2024 09:02:23 GMT

Today we meditated through backwards walking to help heal and connect our left and right brain hemispheres.

We hold identical tactile stimulus toys in each hand (today it was stress balls) and take small, slow steps when walking backward. As we moved and planted our left foot, we squeezed the left stress ball, directing mindful awareness towards that hand and foot. Then we do the same on the right side, and go left and right as we walk backwards.

When we reach the point where we turn around and walk back, we then do it on alternating sides. We gradually squeeze the right stress ball when moving the left foot, and the left stress ball when moving the right foot. We paired this movement with breathwork and vocal vibrations.

Re: I Contain Multitudes - Thoughts on Selves-healing

Eagle Ray — Wed, 10 Jul 2024 22:11:30 GMT

Dear hello_mae,

Thank you for sharing your experience of multiple selves. It makes sense what you say about feeling things are both empowering and terrifying for the selves right now. I have felt very alone and isolated at times in the processing and healing from past trauma. But I do get the empowering part, because when left to our own devices we find resources within and creative ways of healing ourselves. I love the idea of the backwards walking. There are so many ways to teach our minds and bodies new ways of feeling and being and to recalibrate ourselves. It can be incremental, especially where trauma is involved, but it is that gentle, gradual shifting that brings about consolidated change over time. I love what you say that, “We can hurt and still show up for ourselves”. That’s a beautiful thought. And also it’s so important what you say about a past trauma just being a piece of our reality, not the entirety.

I think using movement, breathwork and vocal vibrations as you describe can be incredibly healing for trauma. I find those somatic approaches actually often make a much bigger difference than just talking as a way of trying to process things and actually heal. I’ve had huge benefits myself from somatic approaches to trauma.

Thank you again for sharing your experiences as it helped me reading them. I’m sorry for what your selves had to endure in the past. I hope you keep evolving towards a healed and peaceful place and it truly feels like you are on that path.

Warm wishes,

Eagle Ray

Re: I Contain Multitudes - Thoughts on Selves-healing

Tonic — Thu, 11 Jul 2024 04:48:02 GMT

Hi Mae and Ray...

Mae, are you actually DID? I am. Inner 8 year old and a 12 year old too. Sheared off from the HOST in Trauma.

MOSTLY re-integrated into me now - but still moods of very Child like Joy and enthusiasm that were Shut Away from me for decades. Glad to have them WITH ME, not in the DARK any more. 🙂

Good Luck with ALL you do to Heal, Everything is Worth a Try. What works for Me may not work for Someone else.. But MIGHT..

CHeers

Tonic

Re: I Contain Multitudes - Thoughts on Selves-healing

BlueLily — Sat, 13 Jul 2024 07:03:52 GMT

Hi hello_mae,

Thanks for sharing your empowering story. Sorry to hear that you haven't got help despite trying so many avenues.

It's great to hear that you have a psychologist and a psychiatrist guiding you with your journey. I find your statement "Everyday is a good day to do hard things" is very empowering to get up and push yourself to do the most difficult things despite what you are going through.

However, I refuse to believe the statement "As much as I've asked for it, help isn't coming". Help is there around us, may be it's late, may be it's shy. But it's there and it will come. When I was going through the most difficult time mentally, I tried to put on a brave face and not talk about it to people around me out of fear. I felt like I didn't have help. Later, I recognised empathetic people around me and I became more and more vocal about what I was going through. Then help started to flow like a stream.

I hope you get the help you are seeking for...

Re: I Contain Multitudes - Thoughts on Selves-healing

hello_mae — Sun, 14 Jul 2024 07:02:00 GMT

We've been using mirrors to help expand our sense of loving presence and ease experiences of dissociation. Through the reflections, we, as observational selves, see our experiential selves. None of us have ever really identified with our body, but we're shifting from a space of fear, to curiosity and compassion. Kind of like, "I don't identify as you, but I see you, love you, and am grateful to share this life with you".

Re: I Contain Multitudes - Thoughts on Selves-healing

hello_mae — Sun, 14 Jul 2024 07:05:31 GMT

Hi Ray!

Thank you so much for your encouragement and support ^_^

It's truly amazing the difference that somatic approaches can make. Our bodies hold so much wisdom, and it's such a gift to get the opportunity to know them. What somatic practices have worked for you?

I hope you're doing well.

~ Mae

Re: I Contain Multitudes - Thoughts on Selves-healing

hello_mae — Sun, 14 Jul 2024 07:11:08 GMT

Hi Tonic!

Yes we are, though we prefer "plural" as, we believe, there's nothing all that disordered about doing whatever needs to be done to survive trauma. Hello to your darling inner children!! ❤️ We're so glad that their joy and enthusiasm was protected. We have a few younger ones in our system too, ranging from infancy to teenagers.

No pressure at all if you'd rather not share, but we'd love to hear about what works for you ^_^

~Mae

Re: I Contain Multitudes - Thoughts on Selves-healing

hello_mae — Sun, 14 Jul 2024 07:18:50 GMT

Hi BlueLily!

Thank you for your reply, and for sharing some of your story ❤️

You're right, help is always there. I guess it's that we were hoping for more direct help, or that it would look at certain way, but that limits our ability to see what's there. Like our partner is getting a day off soon and we will be going to the local mangroves for a walk and to enjoy the time in nature. Not only is that a wonderful experience, but it "refills the well" so to speak, meaning we have greater capacity for awareness and attunement with ourselves when we're on our own.

Re: I Contain Multitudes - Thoughts on Selves-healing

Eagle Ray — Sun, 14 Jul 2024 10:16:28 GMT

Hi Mae!

The most helpful somatic approach for me has been Peter Levine’s Somatic Experiencing approach. I have also done TRE (Trauma Releasing Exercises) developed by David Berceli which was very effective, but didn’t lead to quite the same lasting transformations as Somatic Experiencing. I’m still a work in progress, but have had major breakthroughs in my breathing becoming more normal and regulating and my system beginning to have a sense of safety, at least some of the time. I find time with good people and animals really helpful too - co-regulation. Like right now I have a fluffy cat sitting on me and purring! It’s very beneficial 🐱🥰

The mirror work sounds so interesting. It is lovely to work with that loving presence. I’ve struggled to provide that for myself while being very focussed on others. I’m now trying to include myself. I can relate to not really identifying with the body. I have been mostly dissociated throughout my life. It has been my normal. But like you I am looking at ways to ease it. Grounding and connecting in nature helps me a lot.

I don’t have plural selves quite as you do, but I have parts for sure. I have a child self I am only just learning to protect. The protector in me was not developed before, lost to dissociation.

It’s quite a journey isn’t it. I’m really enjoying hearing about how your selves are finding new ways and strategies to heal, and that you can support one another through that process.

Very best wishes,

Eagle Ray

Re: I Contain Multitudes - Thoughts on Selves-healing

Tonic — Mon, 15 Jul 2024 01:49:15 GMT

Very Good words, Lily. Lot of us Damaged Goods have TRUST ISSUES, and were Used to Keeping SILENT about our woes. I broke The Silence aged 43, 36 Years Alone.

It was Very Exillerating to Trust Friends... "Why didn't you tell us this 20 YEARS AGO?" and the like. Help was At Hand, as you say, afraid to ASK, but then we survivors grew up feeling we did not DESERVE to ask for anyone's help. And the BRAVE FACE MASK as Kids and beyond, also...

Never too late to Look for Help and Trust. 🙂

Re: I Contain Multitudes - Thoughts on Selves-healing

Tonic — Mon, 15 Jul 2024 02:20:04 GMT

Hi Mae 🙂

Glad to hear your System is WORKING With/For you for the most part! davy8 the most Vocal, aged 8. He popped out one day and took over writing a mail to my one ex Girl Friend (((LYNNE))). He did it a lot, and she ended up writing to HIM as well, Snail Letters too, which he insisted I keep in a separate pile, they were HIS letters, not mine. 🙂 davy12 quiet but So STRONG - Sadistic predator...

50% of us Manic Depressives suffered one or more forms of child abuse. And we're RIGHT UP THERE with DID as well.

All I did was Listen to them, and made sure they knew they were LOVED, they had both felt SO unlovable and dirty, and that I was Delighted to have them Around. 🙂 They didn't KILL my Innocence.. just put it into a deep enchanted sleep for 36 years..

I have stood on the shoulders of Giants too, talking to Other DIDs Kids. Lily from Michigan had over a 100 personalities, and new ones emerging, old ones JOINING all the time. She had a whole TOWN in her head where they all lived and swapped in and out. Everyone had their Own place to live, but would sleep together if lonely. It had beautiful parks, and even an Amusement Park, but No SCARY Rides. 🙂

My Favourite (not supposed to have them) was (((Kaelyn))), forever aged 6. She was the PROTECTOR Personality at THAT age! Took over when Jay the Host (Terminally Ill with MS) went inside a Lot , could not handle the misery. She was AWESOME!! Clever, Kind, BRAVE!, Resourseful, huge tollerence for Pain... I have 10 pictures she drew me on her tablet. They ALL Have a Shiny SUN in them. I miss her very much, Jay passed away aged 34. Single Mom, left a 14 year old Boy behind, Bobby. I Still Write to Him, he Knows what I meant to his Mom, chatting at 2am US East Coast Time when the world was asleep.. He wants to be a Structural Engineer, loves math and tech drawing and making things. I told him THAT was a Degree WORTH going into debt for, he'd Work it off in no time.

Lol with Lena from Ft Worth Texas, 3 or 4 personalities would push each other out to Talk to ME! 🙂 They DO so LOVE to be Heard! 🙂

Sorry I can't give more TIPS, it kind of just happened Naturally to me, but I was MANIC when davy8 came out, and it didn't panic or worry me at all.

Just LOVE them ALL. 🙂

Re: I Contain Multitudes - Thoughts on Selves-healing

Tonic — Mon, 15 Jul 2024 02:58:07 GMT

KAELYN (Add.)

Had some friends on Instant Messaging (still do), could call/chat me any time, and it would pop up on the screen, whatever I was doing. If it was Kaelyn Calling, message would open with

"hi hi ((((bruder))) hg hg hg (Hugs). (I was her Big Brother because she had always wanted a KIND Big Bro, she had been abused by ALL her Foster family.)

Once she called me up and asked me how I was doing. I said I was a BIT Mad and Loving it (very Productive times, for Healing also), and enjoying just DREAMING of becoming a Famous Writer.

"me hop yu du tu, dat be osum but evn if yu NO do, yu still be famus to me 🙂 "

My Bit of PARENTING, but with the Perfect Child.. 🙂

Re: I Contain Multitudes - Thoughts on Selves-healing

hello_mae — Tue, 23 Jul 2024 09:40:37 GMT

Hi Eagle Ray!

We're so proud of you! We've never gotten to work with a professional on it, but have tried some practices intuitively that are inspired by somatic experiencing and TRE. Would absolutely love to work with a therapist trained in it that can hold space for us.

Oh, those practices sound amazing! So glad you're able to bond with that darling cat.

It definitely can be such a challenge; you're making wonderful progress! It's hard when the societal norm doesn't allow space to connect with others without first coming from a place of inward unity and wholeness. Grounding and connecting with nature is so helpful! That shift in perspective that they bring is powerful.

That's incredible! 😊 It's so wonderful to hear that your protector and inner child parts are coming home to each other.

Warm wishes,

Mae

Re: I Contain Multitudes - Thoughts on Selves-healing

hello_mae — Tue, 23 Jul 2024 09:52:21 GMT

Hi Tonic!!

We feel so honoured to hear about your lovely relationships. ☺️ It's amazing the impact they and their love can have on us 💜

Re: I Contain Multitudes - Thoughts on Selves-healing

hello_mae — Tue, 23 Jul 2024 10:03:45 GMT

Unfortunately, our lease since 2020 has been unexpectedly terminated. We have to be out by August 19, and dealing with short term rentals for a while.

Parts of us are feeling terrified, confused, unstable, and crazy. We chronically experience hallucinations and severe dissociation, but this time our grounding, mindfulness, and loving presence is doing nothing to ease them.

In a year's time, now will feel like an eternity ago. Until then, we'll have courage. We can do hard things.

Re: I Contain Multitudes - Thoughts on Selves-healing

Eagle Ray — Tue, 23 Jul 2024 13:55:52 GMT

Hello Mae,

Thank you so much for your kind words! I am proud of you all too! I can hear the courage and goodness and care in you and it is lovely to read of how you are working as a team in the processes of healing.

With the somatic therapy, I searched for a practitioner who did somatic experiencing. I actually tried a few before I settled on her. I think you really need someone you feel comfortable with and is on the same page/wavelength.

I agree with you about societal norms. I think society is quite out of touch with the experiences of grounding, wholeness and somatic awareness. It is so incredibly helpful to be in touch with those things.

Thank you regarding the protector in me. She is getting stronger and I am finding myself being calmer and more assertive in situations where before I would kind of panic and collapse/dissociate. My system is definitely making changes and my inner child is beginning to be cared for.

I am really sorry to hear about the lease being unexpectedly terminated. I can really understand how that would be unsettling. Housing is quite a challenging area at the moment, to say the least. On the positive side, perhaps it may open up some new opportunities and experiences living in new places. Before I moved to where I now live in the country I lived in ten different rentals and I did get something out of each place, including connecting with local parks, lakes and nature areas. So you may get to discover some new places. I wish you all the very best for your next home and I hope everything goes smoothly.

All the very best 🙏😊