topic Re: How do you not let others negative comments hurt you in Staying well

How do you not let others negative comments hurt you

quirkywords — Fri, 07 Apr 2023 10:51:11 GMT

Hello

i am not sure if anyone can relate.
I get upset when I feel people are being critical of me but I worry I am over reacting.

people say let it go take a deep breath.

so what do you do when someone is critical.

How do you cope.?

Re: How do you not let others negative comments hurt you

Eagle Ray — Fri, 07 Apr 2023 12:16:08 GMT

Dear Quirky

I can very much relate as I’m sensitive in that way too. I’m starting to handle it a bit more easily though. For me I think the sensitivity comes from a lot of criticism in childhood that made me hyper aware of criticism. What seems to help now is:

- Recognising when the criticism is unfounded and judgmental. I nurture my inner child and reassure her she hasn’t done anything wrong and the criticism is a reflection of an issue in the other person.

- If I am able, let them know politely straight away that their judgement is incorrect. Still working on this one, but I find if I can do it, it quickly nips the other person’s tendency to criticise in the bud. It’s like I’ve defended my boundary which I think you can do in a polite, straightforward way.

- Having compassion for the other person. I’ve realised some people judge and criticise to make themselves feel bigger and they are struggling with their own insecurities. The compassion takes the sting out of their criticism. I find it can then be possible to steer the conversation in a positive direction, letting go of their criticism and focusing on something positive and connecting.

- Realising when it’s really not personal and the other person might be genuinely trying to be helpful. Other times they’ve just had a bad day or are overtired, so their words come out a bit harsh but they’re not really meaning to be critical.

Those are just some ideas. I mentioned this on another thread, but there’s a scene in the movie Rocketman about Elton John where he finally defends himself against others’ criticism. If you google “Rocketman When Are You Going to Hug Me?” you should find the YouTube clip, in case that helps. His child self speaks to him at the end and he gives him a hug.

Re: How do you not let others negative comments hurt you

sbella02 — Fri, 07 Apr 2023 15:02:32 GMT

Quirky, this really resonates with me. I'd like to follow this post to see what others have to say, because this is something that I seem to struggle with as well.

For me, it depends on what mood I'm in. If I'm in a really good mood, comments don't necessarily bother me. But if I'm already struggling or having a bad day, criticism can really get to me.

Eagle Ray has some beautiful suggestions. Keen to see what others say, too.

Re: How do you not let others negative comments hurt you

quirkywords — Fri, 07 Apr 2023 21:54:16 GMT

Eagleray

thanks do much for your helpful suggestions.
I do try to work out if something is nit critical but helpful but I try it hard. I have told other people to get another opinion, the reaction is usually I am too sensitive but I don’t think I can change that.

I also try to think that the comment is more about the other person and not me.

I need to work on nurturing my inner child.

i have seen rocketman and know that clip in fact the whole movie is about Elton accepting himself when he is surrounded by criticism.

i don’t think I would be able to to tell the person how their comment affected me but I have written it down and that helps.

thanks

Re: How do you not let others negative comments hurt you

quirkywords — Fri, 07 Apr 2023 21:59:43 GMT

Sbella I agree about moods. When high I would attack the person and then regret it which is now why I can not say anything at the time as I worry may offend.

When low it made my own self loathing worse.

Now I find I still am sensitive which I accept but I feel I need to distinguish helpful comments from unhelpful.

I too want to hear others ideas of how they cope.

Re: How do you not let others negative comments hurt you

Eagle Ray — Fri, 07 Apr 2023 22:43:41 GMT

Dear Quirky and SB

I agree that when we are vulnerable, that is when it is hardest to deal with criticism.

I can lose my voice when the person is in a more powerful position to me. I would love to hear more ideas too.

Re: How do you not let others negative comments hurt you

quirkywords — Fri, 14 Apr 2023 03:56:54 GMT

I find it hard when family are thes being critical but saying that it is truth. I know they love me but having loved ones complaining about many things can be exhausting. I can’t respond or I am told I am defensive and in denial.

Re: How do you not let others negative comments hurt you

Eagle Ray — Fri, 14 Apr 2023 06:08:31 GMT

Hello Quirky

I’ve had this issue too. It can feel distressing when family judge us in a way that we know isn’t true. I’m learning that once you are more secure in your own sense of worth, it’s easier to not take on others’ judgments. It’s like you have your own sense of inner calm that repels the judgement. When you have that greater peace in yourself I think others say judgemental things less often, because they sense a kind of inner, calm strength in you.

I have felt very vulnerable throughout my life and unfortunately others with tendencies to judge and criticise seem to gravitate to that, like it satisfies their urge to find fault with someone who becomes a target because they seem vulnerable and less likely to fight back. I think these processes often happen at least partially subconsciously and are often quite habitual. Even those who love us can get into this habitual pattern of criticism.

I had a phone call recently from a relative I’ve been finding very critical and challenging. However, I’ve recently developed a stronger sense of self and thought she can’t get to me this time because I’m calm and coming from a place of good, secure energy within myself. For the first time in a long time she wasn’t aggressive or critical at all. If she was to say anything critical I was ready to calmly counter it, but it didn’t get to that.

So the best way I can explain it is I think when things change energetically within yourself the way others treat you also changes. They sense your boundary and self-worth.

I’m not saying this is easy and I still fall back into my vulnerable self, but with practice over time I think you can consolidate a new inner balance that helps repel and even prevent judgemental criticism.

I hope that helps a bit. It’s knowing you are a worthy human being which you most definitely are Quirky and you can be proud of that.

Re: How do you not let others negative comments hurt you

quirkywords — Fri, 14 Apr 2023 10:06:39 GMT

Eagle ray if find your posts are helpful. You have suggestions which are useful.

I find if I tell myself the critical comments are not for me but people who say them have their own problems they the project on me.

Re: How do you not let others negative comments hurt you

Eagle Ray — Fri, 14 Apr 2023 10:39:57 GMT

Thank you Quirky. It's taken me a long time to be able to not automatically internalise other people's projections, and those from family are often the ones that hurt a lot, but I'm gradually getting there at recognising it isn't about me, and really glad you are too.

Re: How do you not let others negative comments hurt you

quirkywords — Sat, 15 Apr 2023 06:25:14 GMT

Eagle ray I find if I am feeling confident I don’t let negative comments get to me but if low I still find it hard not feel hurt.

Re: How do you not let others negative comments hurt you

sbella02 — Sun, 16 Apr 2023 08:17:16 GMT

Eagle Ray,

I like what you said about having a stronger sense of self such that negative comments don't get to you as much. That's quite powerful. I like how you've put it:

"So the best way I can explain it is I think when things change energetically within yourself the way others treat you also changes. They sense your boundary and self-worth."

It's the building of this self that seems like the challenging part.

It's also important to remember, as you've said, that sometimes negative comments will hit us harder than other times.

Re: How do you not let others negative comments hurt you

smallwolf — Sun, 16 Apr 2023 08:43:40 GMT

it is easy enough for me to reframe a thought OR ask myself for the evidence to prove the negative.

In the case of one thing that happened last Friday, I could tell myself there is NO WAY I would have done that. And others said the same. But there is also that nagging thought that tells me otherwise. To that extent, it takes time to get over that. And for me ... that is the lump in the throat, sickening feeling in stomach.

The tools are important and to use ... it also takes time and practice.

and I am still not there

Re: How do you not let others negative comments hurt you

quirkywords — Sun, 16 Apr 2023 10:41:11 GMT

Isabella and smallwolf thanks for your comments.

Small wolf I am still a work in progress.

Tools , time, practice, and an up mood all help.
nagging thought and sickening feelings I know as well as that lump in the throat that I have been weak again.

Re: How do you not let others negative comments hurt you

Eagle Ray — Sat, 22 Apr 2023 01:39:21 GMT

Hi Quirky, smallwolf and SB

I relate to the nagging thoughts and sickening feelings as well. For me this happens not just with criticism from outside but from my own self-criticism and self-doubt. I did this in my volunteer job last week when I thought a supervisor was unhappy with me when she wasn’t. It was the inner part of me that is already preparing for criticism and judgement when it’s not even there in some cases. I’m projecting from childhood experiences into the present. But at least I eventually realised this and it was a relief to realise I hadn’t done anything wrong and no one was unhappy with me.

If actually criticised, I feel a kind of crushing shame. But my turnaround is faster now in recognising when the criticism is unfounded and it’s not mine to carry. I think the less others see me as a vulnerable target, the less the criticism happens. I think it just takes a bit of time to build up a sense of self that deflects criticism and also discourages it. Constructive criticism can be helpful, but it’s the judgemental kind that’s hard to take.

I think some of us are just so much more sensitive, but it seems with time and awareness it does get easier and I think you can recover from those uncomfortable thoughts and feelings more quickly.

Re: How do you not let others negative comments hurt you

white knight — Sat, 22 Apr 2023 04:34:38 GMT

Hi all,

ER said "If actually criticised, I feel a kind of crushing shame" what an accurate phrase. I tend to label it like my brain has hot water running through it when I'm criticised, more often when 1/ tact isnt used or 2/ when the criticism isnt justified.

Bare in mind up to 20% of people suffer HSP, Highly Sensitive Person. That might make you feel a little better.

I'm lucky, as a former warder/security I've developed a hard mask. Last week I was sent to the wrong section in a medical facility. Upon entering the room the lady pathologist, I told her my name and
I haven't met you yet, I'm Tony, what's your name"? No answer. I sat and she asked for my paperwork. "I dont have any" She then got angry at me. I returned to the waiting room and had a huge meltdown while waiting for another nurse. I quickly decided to return to that abusive nurse and offload my anger leaving with "it costs nothing to be friendly". As Einstein said "every reaction needs a counter reaction to level the playing field. I then lost it completely and was soothed by two loving souls, a care nurse and a older admin lady. My main thrust of upset that "I could never understand the nastiness of some people."

So I'm lucky, although I suffer from HSP or general over sensitivity I have the ability to counter unjust narcissism from people that think they can abuse or tower above mere mortals. I find sometimes it goes hand in hand with arrogance or dissatisfaction of their job or personal life, whatever the reason people should not be punching bags.

I have no other answer to criticism but when I counter the abuse I dwell on the incident for a few hours not a week or more when I just cop it and say nothing.

TonyWK

Re: How do you not let others negative comments hurt you

Eagle Ray — Sat, 22 Apr 2023 06:40:47 GMT

Hi Tony

I’m sure I’m an HSP too. I think you are right, there are times a counter reaction is necessary, sometimes to simply tell the other person to back off. Otherwise you internalise their bad energy in your own nervous system which isn’t healthy.

Sometimes the first few times it comes out a bit wildly when we are still learning to express this part of ourselves. But with practice I think it can come out firmly, calmly and more easily. I’m so glad you had those nice, supportive people after the incident you described. It makes such a difference doesn’t it. Thank goodness for the nice people in this world.

Shortly after my mother’s death I had someone really aggressively attack me, judging and criticising me. I ended up collapsing in shock on the side of the road at night unable to breathe as they continued to rant. I needed to scream “back off” but was totally frozen.

A year and a half later I processed this successfully with my current psychologist, enacting what I needed to do and say at the time to protect myself. It really worked, especially when she got me to repeat it in slow motion. This helps rewire how the memory has encoded. The abuser turned into a weak, transparent hologram in my minds eye, then dissolved, leaving me in a quiet and peaceful evening with the trauma neutralised in memory.

So I agree - we need to counter unjust, narcissistic behaviour.

Re: How do you not let others negative comments hurt you

white knight — Sun, 23 Apr 2023 01:59:23 GMT

Hi ER, thankyou

To help Quirky and others reading, by far one of the most impacting changes I've made was to introduce a friends idea- ask questions, because by doing do it places the poor behaviour back to the narcissist or bully. Eg

Why are you yelling?
Are you trying to dominate me?
Do you want to win 100% of are you willing to negotiate?
Grown adult talk and discuss so why cant we? Do you want to talk over a cuppa?

Then there is the follow up question-

Why are you yelling? "negative answer eg I can yell if I want" "you are free to keep yelling as I'm free to leave if you do, so why yell"
Are you trying to dominate me? "of course not" "it appears that way, well if not then lets sit and talk"
Do you want to win 100% of are you willing to negotiate? "its not a matter of winning" oh, ok lets negotiate, we'll put the kettle on"
Grown adults talk and discuss so why cant we? Do you want to talk over a cuppa? "I'm angry because..." we can be angry and talk softer and quieter cant we"

Making them answer for their abrasiveness is actually making them look foolish. This can make them feel guilty like the nurse that was rude to me "friendliness costs nothing". In the future she might apologise if kind or not if otherwise. Either way I placed the attitude back on her... I minimalised her effect on me... I didnt let her get away with it, but was measured, eg short to the point and firm.

TonyWK

Re: How do you not let others negative comments hurt you

Eagle Ray — Sun, 23 Apr 2023 06:16:06 GMT

Thank you Tony. Those are some good phrases. In the past I’ve tended to go into a kind of shock or stunned silence at such behaviours, especially very out-of-control ones, but I think it eventually becomes possible to respond firmly and clearly. Yes, it’s putting the responsibility back on them for their behaviour and then it’s up to them to be an adult and take responsibility or not, but you’re not carrying that behaviour in your emotional body, so to speak. It’s for them to carry, own and deal with.

I hope you, Quirky and everyone are having a good Sunday.

Re: How do you not let others negative comments hurt you

quirkywords — Sun, 23 Apr 2023 11:15:07 GMT

Thanks for all your supportive posts.
Tony I find when I ask questions or point out shouting or swearing it often gets a very aggressive answer that escalates the situation, So I just leave the conflict