topic Re: Letting People Down Or Feeling That Way. in Staying well

Letting People Down Or Feeling That Way.

Beaser — Mon, 10 Jan 2022 20:14:14 GMT

Hi and best wishes to everyone. I was wondering do people have feelings of letting people down when they dont feel up to social events. I am lucky to have some great friends and for example i have just been asked to go away for a few days but its just easier to say no . I know that i have to push myself but i have been battling a bit of late and i feel tired and mentally drained. I dont want to lose friends because of not doing things . Im really battling with this problem.

Letting People Down Or Feeling That Way.

HappyHelper88 — Tue, 11 Jan 2022 04:41:59 GMT

Hello Beaser Thank You for your post and welcome

I can definitely relate I feel awful to cancel and let people down most people around me don't pressure me and understand mental health days but not all
sometimes its good to try and make an effort once in a while but don't feel like you have to always attend

Sorry your feeling drained 😞

If they are your real friends then they should understand this
If you would like to talk to someone, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport

Letting People Down Or Feeling That Way.

white knight — Tue, 11 Jan 2022 04:46:22 GMT

Hi, welcome

There is a saying "I'm not in this world to live up to others expectations."

As HH stated, they should understand.

TonyWK

Letting People Down Or Feeling That Way.

Petal22 — Tue, 11 Jan 2022 10:40:23 GMT

Hi Beaser,

Im sorry you feel this way but I believe there is no need to be a people pleaser.

Please your self, sometimes we need a bit of down time and that’s ok.

Re: Letting People Down Or Feeling That Way.

Beaser — Sun, 29 Jan 2023 20:46:59 GMT

Feeling a bit flat today. I didnt go on a trip away for the long weekend with one of my best friends. It just makes me feel guilty at times when i decline. Almost like i let people down . I know i have to make an effort at times and i just feel so guilty when i dont go away with friends. I dont want to lose the people i love. I went away a couple of weeks ago and i just didnt have the energy i guess to go again. Anyone else go through similar things. Thank you. Beaser

Re: Letting People Down Or Feeling That Way.

Eagle Ray — Thu, 09 Feb 2023 11:01:15 GMT

Yes Beaser, I very much relate. I’ve struggled with fatigue since I was 13 and had to adapt to a new normal with major shifts in my health. So many times I’ve felt I’ve let others down because I just haven’t had the same energy and capacity to do everything they do. And I think some of us are just more sensitive and need more time to rest and recharge.

You seem like a sensitive soul and you care about not wanting to let others down. I’ve had this sensitivity but I’ve gradually learned in recent times to sense what I’m really up for and what’s really too much for me. I’ve realised that it’s ok to say no to others. Some people are not always understanding but I’ve found the most genuine friends do get it. And I’ve also found that it’s those friends that too set limits on what they do. They’re more sensitive too.

There might be times it’s good to motivate yourself to do things, but I think the best thing is to tune in to your inner voice and how you feel in your body too. You could try imagining both scenarios, doing the activity and then not doing it, and see what it feels like inside. Whatever feels most peaceful I think is usually the right decision.

Spending time with others can certainly really help us with the right people and an activity we enjoy. But it’s good to be aware of our limits too. Another option to going away for a few days, if it feels too much, is catching up with people more briefly, such as having coffee, seeing a movie, or whatever you like to do. It can take the pressure off being social for several days but you still get the interaction.

Hope you’re feeling better and you don’t need to feel guilty (I’m only learning in recent times not to feel guilty myself - that I can make decisions according to my own needs and interests rather than worrying about pleasing others).

Re: Letting People Down Or Feeling That Way.

Beaser — Thu, 16 Feb 2023 00:26:01 GMT

Thank you Ray.

I actually went away fishing for two days with some mates last weekend. I had a great time and i didnt feel any pressure This combined with a change of medication, i think has really helped me. I was open for the change of meds as i felt my former ones had been of little help. Im feeling as though the new ones are working better. Brett.

Re: Letting People Down Or Feeling That Way.

Eagle Ray — Thu, 16 Feb 2023 00:41:30 GMT

Dear Brett, that’s wonderful news. It’s so good to not feel any pressure. Sometimes there’s something that just needs to shift, whether it’s a medication or some other aspect of life, and things start to right themselves and feel a whole lot better. Really glad you enjoyed the fishing trip with your mates.

Very best wishes,

Re: Letting People Down Or Feeling That Way.

Beaser — Sun, 19 Feb 2023 19:02:43 GMT

Hi Ray and other friends here.

I was going so much better but have really dipped in the last few days. Im not even sure why , i think maybe a fire that occured locally has triggered my slide. I was in a fire prevention role for 10 years and due to my mental health i had to leave, i think i feel some sort of guilt about this. That and not being able to help im feeling very sad as a result. Im just so lonely with it all. Brett.

Re: Letting People Down Or Feeling That Way.

Eagle Ray — Tue, 21 Feb 2023 05:20:53 GMT

Dear Brett

I think sometimes we do go back and forth emotionally, and that’s really ok. I understand you feeling affected by the recent fire and knowing you were in a fire prevention role in the past. It’s a great commitment you already gave in 10 years in that role, and you really don’t need to feel guilty you are not doing it now. I think you made a very wise decision to protect your mental health and well being. There is absolutely no shame in doing that and it’s really sensible.

I’ve been struggling in a similar way recently in terms of mental and physical health issues that have been limiting my work capacity. At times I’ve been feeling guilty too but have to keep reminding myself that I’m someone who’s always worked extremely hard and done my best. I’m learning I have to recognise my limits and that right now there are certain things that are too hard for me, and that’s ok.

Sometimes it’s also learning not to worry about what we think the perceptions or judgements of others may be. You are the best person to know your limits and prioritising your well being is the most important thing. We might assume others think less of us, or our inner critic thinks we are inadequate in some way, but I want to assure you that you not inadequate at all.

I can sense how conscientious you are and how you have a lonely feeling about not being able to do more. But it is so ok to be where you’re at and not put yourself under pressure. You are a good caring person and you deserve kindness and good things.

Take care and sending you kindness, gentleness and support.

Re: Letting People Down Or Feeling That Way.

Beaser — Tue, 21 Feb 2023 22:00:48 GMT

Thank you Ray.

Thats a very kind and thoughtful reply.

Im sorry that you have been struggling yourself a bit lately. I hope your ok.

Like youself i have worked hard and done my best . I just wish that i didnt go through these ups and extreme downs.

Ive managed to do three days at work this week so thats been a positive . Hope you have a great day . I hope to talk more with you. Best wishes Brett.

Re: Letting People Down Or Feeling That Way.

Eagle Ray — Wed, 22 Feb 2023 05:07:49 GMT

Dear Brett

Thank you. I relate to the ups and downs. It’s challenging at times isn’t it.

I’ve been doing voluntary work today. I felt better around others. It’s great you’ve worked your 3 days this week. I hope you find it beneficial too. I think somehow human contact kind of balances us out if we are feeling down.

I hope you’ve been having a great day too and I’m always happy to chat.

Best wishes,

Re: Letting People Down Or Feeling That Way.

Beaser — Thu, 31 Aug 2023 20:39:31 GMT

Sometimes it hurts to say no to people but should i be available all the time. I have helped at my footy club all year . They are catering for finals ,I was asked to do five hrs Saturday and Sunday but i said no as i just feel i need a chance to just enjoy the football. I just get so guilt ridden saying no but surely im entitled to say no occasionally. I love my club but sometimes i find peoples expectations hard especially when they seem disappointed when i say no . Has anyone else felt the same?

Re: Letting People Down Or Feeling That Way.

Ggrand — Fri, 01 Sep 2023 00:00:12 GMT

Hello Dear Brett,

I feel that way when I say no…guilty of being selfish with my time, constantly thinking about the look on people’s faces or the change in their voice, when trying to hide there disappointment or anger away from me…..I am sure management, friends and even family can see or sense a yes person and use that to there advantage….

Even though we know that we should set boundaries for ourselves and start caring enough about ourselves to say no…..it’s still nearly impossible to say no….I did say no, on Tuesday to a promotion at my volunteer job….I am pleased I said no…if I didn’t the new responsibilities would have been to much for me to carry out….

I’m pleased you said no, and are going to enjoy the football…you very much deserve to be able to do that…please try hard not to feel guilty….The football club will seek out someone else to help with the catering…it’s always the yes person that they reach out to first…expecting a yes…..but they will always have someone else in mind to ask…

Enjoy your football matches, without feeling any guilt or remorse, you’ve been there for them all year…..don’t let those emotions take away from you something that you really want to do and so much deserve…

My kindest thoughts Brett..

Grandy..

Re: Letting People Down Or Feeling That Way.

Beaser — Fri, 01 Sep 2023 02:41:15 GMT

Thank you for your kind reply Grandy.

You have summed up my situation and feelings so well. I am a yes person and im sure that people think i will never say no so they think im an easy target.

I just wish people would realise that every one has there limit.

Its interesting you mention your volunteering. I have an interview at a hospital in a couple of weeks about doing some volunteer work so im hoping to do something there. Im glad you said no to a promotion that would put more pressure on you. I feel you did the right thing. I think clubs and organizations' need to respect people's boundaries.

If you dont mind me asking . How have you found the volunteering to be ?

Hope hear from you Brett.

Re: Letting People Down Or Feeling That Way.

Ggrand — Fri, 01 Sep 2023 05:19:51 GMT

Hello Brett,

Congratulations on your new job (volunteer)….it takes a special type of person to give their time to help others….you are one of those special people… I’m the first person to be asked to do things….mostly I just do what has to be done, even doing other peoples jobs at work to keep the peace…which I’m getting really annoyed at….but unable to speak up because of the person I am…..

At first it was very frightening for me, the reason that was is because I spent months in my home, without going out…..I didn’t want anything to do people…I had been hurt to many times from them…so trust was hard at first….I started nearly 6 years ago…and to tell you honestly, there are days I love to be their and feel some self worth….other days I’m in a depression cycle and fight myself to get in to work, but after I am at work my depressive mood lifts slightly I do take my work seriously and do whatever is expected of me…

To answer your question Brett..for me it’s worked out okay…I enjoy it when my mind is in a good place and it helps me when I’m depressed, sad or feeling lonely….by having people around me and interacting with them…

Thank you for saying I did the right thing by saying no to the promotion….I feel bad for saying no…. I know my limits and would get too confused to do anymore then I’m doing now…

Kind thoughts Brett…

Grandy….

Re: Letting People Down Or Feeling That Way.

Eagle Ray — Sat, 02 Sep 2023 04:26:12 GMT

Dear Brett and Grandy,

I relate to what you both write about being a yes person and struggling to say no to people. I’m only really learning to do it now, and it is something I have realised is essential for my health and well being. I think both of you have taken the right approach with saying no to something that you could sense wasn’t the best choice for you.

I hope you can really relax and enjoy the football this weekend Brett. With the voluntary work you’ve already given I think it’s perfectly reasonable to have a break from it. And Grandy, it’s good you have chosen the option that feels right for you in relation to the promotion. It’s so important to listen inwardly to what we actually need, rather than strive to meet someone else’s wishes or expectations.

I was doing volunteer work too with a community service provider. I’ve had a break from it but probably starting up again in a couple of weeks. I have found it helpful in that I felt part of a community of people and that was a really nice feeling. And I feel I’m doing something of value to the community too. I got asked to do extra there and did for a while, but I too have to watch that I don’t say yes just to make someone else happy, that I’m doing something because it’s the right decision for me.

You are both such lovely, kind caring people. I guess part of the process is learning to extend kindness to ourselves, so we value our own needs and don’t override them for others. I’m gradually learning that people are often quite accepting when you express your boundary and limits, and if they are disappointed they do get over it and move on. So there’s never anything wrong with saying no when you can feel it’s the right decision for you.

Re: Letting People Down Or Feeling That Way.

Richju — Sat, 02 Sep 2023 10:09:41 GMT

Dear Beaser,

Self care is so important and I'm sure your friends will understand if you let them know how you are feeling.

Taking care of yourself means that you are stronger to support others.

Rest, relax and love yourself.

Kindest regards,

Ruchju xx

Re: Letting People Down Or Feeling That Way.

Beaser — Sat, 02 Sep 2023 21:43:32 GMT

Hi Ggrand and thanks again for your kind replies. I just want to let you know that Eagle Ray has kindly replied with a message to both of us just in case you miss it. Feel free to reply if you like. Thanks again wishing you a happy day. Brett

Re: Letting People Down Or Feeling That Way.

Beaser — Sat, 02 Sep 2023 21:51:46 GMT

Thanks for your kind reply Ray.

You are right that people do learn to accept that even people like us have a limit.

I went to the footy yesterday and did a bit to help but just what suited me in both tasks and timewise.

It was quite a good day as i caught up with a good friend as well.

Im going to go again today and do similar as my friend will be there again.

Also being fathers day i probably could do with a bit of a plan.

Wishing you a happy day Brett.