topic Re: Forgiveness in Staying well

Forgiveness

ecomama — Fri, 28 Oct 2022 10:31:59 GMT

"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different". Oprah Winfrey

How many times have you heard someone say, "You need to forgive that person" ??

One billion and counting would be my answer lol. My question to the person saying that to me, was
"Tell me HOW to forgive, like give me the STEPS to follow and I will do it!"...

No one has been able to answer the HOW to do this. Maybe I have forgiven now, maybe I haven't, IDK.

Is forgiveness a practice we work at every day?
Is it visualising a little gift box wrapped with a bow and handed to that person? (Yep that was suggested to me lol).
Does TIME help us forgive or is this just "letting go"?

I've found it VERY hard to Pray loving Prayers for people I needed to forgive. Just sayin' lol.

Although the Bible has Jesus' words "Forgive them Lord for they know not what they do." I'm not Jesus.

Have you forgiven people who've wronged you?

Could you be brave enough to share with us HOW you forgave that person or people?

Thankyou for your contributions.
Love EM

Re: Forgiveness

white knight — Fri, 28 Oct 2022 10:51:51 GMT

Hi Em, great post albeit with a need.

I've had the same issues and now can move on when I couldnt years ago. The major transformation I undertook was a change in views. It sounds so arrogant so forgive me (sic) but I came to the conclusion that many human beings are flawed. If we mention some flaws they include- addictions like gambling, drugs, affairs, manipulation, anger, abuse, cruelty and the list goes on. Now as a guess I believe such flaws would include a massive 30% and a further 20% could be added that have flaws with how they treat their partner but might not treat any other person the same way.

So this "arrogance" has served me well because I now pigeon hole some people, it ebb and flows, some go out and get readmitted, some are kept out.

When my youngest daughter reached 18yo, I had not only survived 11 years married to a narcissist 1st wife but I had endured 14 years of terrible communication from her mother as I had my kids every fortnight and school holidays. Such was the abuse over all that time I told her I never ever want to talk to her again. And I never have, havent seen her dont want to. Since then (2010) time has served me well to drift her out of my thoughts but yes, not easy. My now 2nd wife was married to my BIL so she knows the torment I endured. We do on occasion chat about that dysfunctional family but less and less.

Can I forgive her? Not on your life I cant. She was solely responsible for 11 years of abuse that resulted in a suicide attempt followed by 14 years of abuse even though I didnt live with her.

Not forgiving is as much a right as forgiving- your choice. Isn't freedom grand?

TonyWK

Re: Forgiveness

Guest_1584 — Fri, 28 Oct 2022 12:34:45 GMT

Hi people and yeah , something l've thought a lot about through life.

But l agree with the arrogance edge if l understand it in the way it was meant correctly but if not then l have my own.

l've never been too concerned about forgiveness though mostly of those that have done or do this or that. lt's over rated and expecting too much imo most of the time. l've had my thoughts about who they are and l've usually seen that and known where all the lines in such personalities will end up being. l've been a pretty spot on judge of character most of my life so there's been very few surprises.

Unfortunately most people of this or that character usually do exactly what you saw that they would.

The true hearted and honest, the genuine and authentic, just never cease to amaze and forgiving and forgetting them of anything really is not even a question mostly we all mess up but the others, well, what can ya say. They don't get a pass from me but not to say l'm in anger or grudging, they've only done what l already knew they would.

Sadly by later teens l realized it's a waste of time expecting anything more from the wrong people, l'm pretty realistic about who is what and it's not even worth a head shake to me really.

Re: Forgiveness

ecomama — Fri, 28 Oct 2022 23:56:18 GMT

Dear Tony WK, lol yes indeed freedom is GRAND!

Also yes you are forgiven hahaha, always. Your message brought more questions so thanks for that lol.

I guess what you COULD be saying is that by knowing the person we want to forgive or in your case "have freedom from"?
We need to KNOW them?

Tbh I know that ALL people are flawed. We are merely human.

I believe we have lessons to learn and if we don't learn them, they come back BIGGER and uglier lol in the case of my last 2 marriages. Ewwww much uglier.

Perhaps by knowing the person and their limited capacity to give a duck about anyone and everything around them only focussing on themselves 100%, I've found I don't want them anywhere NEAR me.

But is this forgiveness?
Perhaps it's only the FIRST step to freedom.

I want complete and TOTAL freedom which is apparently what forgiveness brings us. Do I HAVE that? IDK.

I feel asleep last night listening to a clip on HOW to forgive, yeah it was very boring. Didn't make any difference to me lol.
Does THIS mean I HAVE forgiven?

I find it hard to measure.
Tony, is our complete forgiveness measured by the level of FREEDOM we feel?

To BREATHE freely is a beautiful freedom.

Love EMxxxx

Re: Forgiveness

ecomama — Sat, 29 Oct 2022 00:10:30 GMT

Hey rx, THANK YOU and you brought up REALLY important factors which I make distinctions from.

Forgiveness is not saying what they did or still do is OK.
Aha no never.

Perhaps it IS more of a FREEDOM from any attachment to them that is within forgiveness?
And I mean freedom from even thinking about them, freedom of thoughts clear of these people.

Then there's the distinction between forgiving them and forgetting about them.
The difference there is that these people were part of our life's story. Forgetting probably requires a Men In Black zingy instrument lol.
They have been in the fabric of our lives so there's no getting rid of that, in fact I try to USE that experience to create a HIGHER level of understanding.

So funny rx, I searched forgiveness and found VENGEANCE lol! And REVENGE omg lol!
WHAT?
Perhaps, even that WAS my initial reaction for x long. As much as I was dragged through legal channels for YEARS, I tried to do so Praying the entire time. Armouring up 100% BUT Praying for God's Will to be Done.
And it was, lol I think it was because I WON hahaha.

Then I found the BEAUTIFUL saying "The best revenge is living your BEST life".
I think it IS BUT I've rewritten that saying with my own ending.... "The best revenge is living my own best life and detaching from all that was then".

Then I had the difficulty of this focussing on what was there.

Learning to distinguish good people from bad people or their bad actions is a very difficult thing for those of us who were raised with extreme abuse and neglect.
BECAUSE "these people" were behaving like the norm we always experienced.

I relate to Oprah so much because she also had a poverty stricken abusive childhood with extreme dysfunction in her primary care giver relationships. She has made her own life's struggles very public so we can KNOW that we need to work on these things AND life can be AMAZING!

And indeed it is.

Thanks RX
Love EMxxxx

Re: Forgiveness

smallwolf — Sat, 29 Oct 2022 03:42:16 GMT

Desmond Tutu and his daughter wrote a book titled "The book of forgiveness" describing four steps to forgiveness - Admitting the wrong and acknowledging the harm; Telling one's story and witnessing the anguish; Asking for forgiveness and granting forgiveness; and renewing or releasing the relationship.

It is not easy and individual steps may be repeated multiple times. Forgiveness is not really about letting the other off the hook for something they have done. Rather it is a process of moving forward when someone has wronged you or vice versa.

Does it work?

In moving forward, whether a relationship is renewed or released, it is no longer the same as it was. And it does not you forget what happened. Perhaps accepting where things are and not getting stuck in a moment in time.

Re: Forgiveness

ecomama — Sat, 29 Oct 2022 09:06:27 GMT

Thankyou smallwolf. Lol a HOW TO guide!

It's on my Book List to buy asap.

Thankyou.

Some of those steps appear to be in opposition to each other so I'm sure the book in it's entirety will explain this, bringing a greater understanding. I certainly respect the authors!

I'm on a steep trajectory UPwards atm. It's freaking AWESOME lol.

I was aware this week that with all the work I've done and conversations I've had with so many people, that perhaps I haven't completely forgiven some people...
because the ex mother in law from her very special place of hell lol, came into my mind last night.
I thought I needed to WRITE a letter of forgiveness to her (don't worry I'm NOT going to do that lol, the very LAST thing I want is her or any of them thinking that would be an open invitation for contact. We're ALL strict NC).
I never want that back in my life in ANY form, not even thought form.

It could be an obstacle from reaching higher potentials if I hold on to this in any way.
Hence this thread was birthed.

My thoughts of her were not past thoughts, they were PRESENT thoughts. I know WE are all on HER mind as she's a succubus and needs to drain all from anyone around, mostly money lol. Plus fabricated affection, respect and reverence, where none of us hold that or anything for her... mostly "meh".

RELEASE is what I seek.
Complete release.
I know this book will help, thankyou again
Love EM

Re: Forgiveness

Eagle Ray — Sat, 29 Oct 2022 10:15:06 GMT

Dear EM,

This is an important topic and I can relate to what you describe as I was recently advised I needed to forgive by someone who didn’t know my exact situation, but assumed it was something I needed to do. Likewise, I was told last year I needed to forgive someone who had recently abused me following the death of a close family member when I was at my most vulnerable.

Years ago I read a book calling Women Who Run With the Wolves. There’s a chapter in there that deals with forgiveness and I remember the author saying it is up to you when and if you forgive, and whether you forgive a lot or a little. You are in control of it. Someone else cannot decide for you. Also you can forgive at a distance but still not have anything to do with the person.

I’m coming to terms with these things myself. I probably haven’t completely forgiven a recent abuser, but I’m ok with that now. This person is not safe for me so I think it’s humanly normal to remain non-trusting of this person. But a lot of the charge (anger) around this person’s behaviour has diminished, so it may be in time that I progressively, organically forgive them. But I’m not making a conscious effort to do so as I’m not feeling up for that and it feels like a kind of pressure. Therefore, I’ve decided not to put myself under any pressure and I think my body-mind (as it’s like a total nervous system thing) will know if and when it’s ready and just let go/forgive. In fact, maybe letting go is the first step (the person in question becomes inconsequential) and then forgiveness naturally follows?

So still figuring this stuff out myself. But somehow I think it happens when it’s ready, like something that has it’s own timescale. And if you don’t totally forgive that’s ok. Perhaps it’s even when we’re not trying to that it somehow happens gradually on it’s own as we fill our lives with more positive experiences and better people going forward?

Re: Forgiveness

mmMekitty — Sat, 29 Oct 2022 10:34:11 GMT

That's a huge question, EM.

A quick google search & I am not satisfied with what I have found, because I think forgiving means more than Not being angry or resentment, or wishes for vengeance or karma to come & bite them, or to stop carrying all the 'negative' feelings.

I think forgiveness comes when we find reasons to feel more human compassion & understanding.

I think I have in some ways, forgiven some people. I understand far better now what was going on & that everyone is not perfect & makes mistakes, sometimes really big mistakes, & sometimes without a moment taken to consider the harm & hold off on taking actions that do harm. I understand how easily the severity of harm may not be understood at the time, too, from my perspective as well as theirs.

I understood next to nothing when I was a child. I expected adults & even my older brother to know a lot more than me, & a lot more than they actually did.

I thought, I could forgive, if I knew they understood what they did, & how much it harmed me. I didn’t know!

I now know: I will never have that need/wish fulfilled & what's more, I don't feel I need to have answers from them anymore.

I think forgiveness can allow us to move from needing them to hear my grievance, or seeing them have to make any restitution or receive any punishment, or even to have any thoughts or feelings themselves - big mountain to ask of myself, ain't it?

Instead, I have a need to forgive myself. I want to understand how & why I could have, many times, put myself in the way of harm coming to me from these people. I have to learn about my mind & feelings to understand & then feel kindly towards myself, more able to accept my mistakes, my ignorance, my wanting my emotional needs met - in harmful ways, it would seem, & learn how I feel about them says a lot about how I feel about me. & learn to recognise & avoid, best as I can, those people.

Time does alter one's perspective. Growth does too. Careful examination of how we feel, think & act helps too.

So, you see, I don't quite agree with Oprah. (lol)

Maybe, consider for yourself, what would it mean for you to forgive?

There are certainly some cruel & vicious, thoughtless & wilfully violent people in the world, I could never feel forgiveness for, no matter how it is defined.

mmMekitty

Re: Forgiveness

Eagle Ray — Sat, 29 Oct 2022 10:44:13 GMT

So I just thought another way of looking at it EM is not that a lack of forgiveness is an obstacle to higher potentials. Rather, just keep reaching for the higher potentials, and that may in turn organically lead to forgiveness?

I’m no expert here, so just thinking aloud, but maybe as you manifest peaceful, positive things going forward, bits of you clinging to any resentment/non-forgiveness let go?

I find if I hold resentment it’s a form of contraction in the body, including in the heart. If I focus on heart expansion and all the things that generate that (love in particular) it’s like the forces of contraction are released. I feel like there’s quite a physical component to it, so a physiological release and expansion in the body is the antidote for forces of contraction/resentment that may underlie a state of non-forgiveness.

Certain memories might push us back into a state of contraction, but as the body now also has the memory of release and expansion, we know we can let go again.

Perhaps we have to pendulate between these two states before we find a new equilibrium in which forgiveness completes?

Re: Forgiveness

Guest_1584 — Sat, 29 Oct 2022 11:50:08 GMT

Detachment for me is a pretty good description or something like , in what l was getting at.

Because l usually know with someone , l don't allow attachment or allow them in in any ways where they'll be able to do their fun and games. They'll never be considered a friend or take up space within heart or much in thoughts either.

They kinda get the brush off you could say, on auto.

l never expect anything from these people other than who they are so to speak.

Butttt, my calls haven't had a 100% success rate though , couple of bad ones and so l have been attached or felt love for the person andddd, boooom. l had to shake the hand of one of them only a few mths ago - it was a situation and the best thing all round when the hand was out, was to just go ahead and go along with it. l didn't look at him though and said to myself don't you for one second think that after 10yrs l am shaking your hand bc l'm not. Matter of fact l had thoughts of breaking that hand while l was shaking it,

But in that 10yrs he still hasn't taken up much thought, l decided day one l won't be living like that- but mind you, revenge has cross my mind a few times along the way and l was surprised with the outreached hand the other mth, l suddenly still felt like it.

There'll be no forgiveness for that one l'm afraid.

Re: Forgiveness

white knight — Sat, 29 Oct 2022 12:25:23 GMT

Dear EM

Perhaps "freedom" is the right word for most people but what is freedom? In my world freedom is detachment with acceptance and without care. The people that ended up at that point in my brain had behaviour that was unacceptable and for whatever reason, carried out a final action that broke the camels back. From that point the detachment began and over time that persons adverse behaviour was dwelling, reminding myself how wrong it was. That dwelling was the catalyst to acceptance my rejection of them was justified.

I've lived a life of giving to family and friends. Unfortunately givers run the risk of others taking an opportunity to exploit which include creating guilt in us. Most necessary to built our "fortress of survival " for this reason.

TonyWK

Re: Forgiveness

ecomama — Sat, 29 Oct 2022 14:30:02 GMT

Hey Eagle Ray! Thankyou for chiming in on this topic because it's a BIGGIE lol.

OH 100% I forgive all people who've harmed me, YES!
But forgiveness never has to mean I communicate with them on any physical plane.

Not renew a relationship nor see or speak to them, nothing. Purely forgive them for my psychological and spiritual growth.

I remain strict NC because they are dangerous individuals.

Adding my mother to the list lol. Don't refer to her as my mother IRL, I refer to her with her name "P".
I don't laugh about my P's living situation (hoarding) nor how she chooses to appear as a homeless person, nor her MH conditions. I've been NC for decades with her... but my adult children, mostly Alexa, ARE in communication with her and she attempts to hurt them, still.
Forgiveness for me, with P will look VERY different to how I "forgive" others. It's still happening, probably not my burden to bear.

Same with ex mil.
Nada.
Dangerous.
But to FREE MYSELF I choose to forgive 100%.

Otherwise, I intuit that, holding on to ANY part of these people, giving emotional charge to whatever they did, knowingly or not, is like a spiritual ball and chain holding me down.

I understand forgiveness to be for OURSELVES, not for the other person at all lol.

As Tony WK said... and I realise I could be taking his words out of context here... forgiving = FREEDOM for us.

I am already physically free of them. Not dependent upon any of them in any way, not financially, not emotionally, nothing.

Spiritually & psychologically I release them.

It seems like the more I interact with life long friends, the more forgiveness is necessary - will post on my thread about these, save going to far off topic..

Love EMxxxx

Re: Forgiveness

ecomama — Sat, 29 Oct 2022 15:02:07 GMT

Hey Kitty, WOW we are really taking this discussion DEEP. LOVE that!
Beginning with Tony WKs contribution to this thread meant I KNEW it was starting off DEEP lol.

Now we're all swimming in the deep haha.

This >>> "I thought, I could forgive, if I knew they understood what they did, & how much it harmed me. I didn’t know! I now know: I will never have that need/wish fulfilled & what's more, I don't feel I need to have answers from them anymore.

Umm no?
I think it's a sensible, rational, MATURE and reasonable ask of yourself.

Why would any abusers come begging for forgiveness, explain each event in detail etc, with no agenda?
Lol because they wouldn't.

Abusive personality types ALWAYS have an agenda.
Hence there's no point in bringing up anything at all with them.
I got closure on all of these relationships and locked those down, hard.

I am talking about wilfully violent creatures. Not people merely "making mistakes". But those extreme ones who plotted planned spread falsities & reports etc etc.
It's not each event I need to forgive them for or even have the need to FORGET.

But the person. I choose to forgive the person regardless of what they did and their evil intentions to cause ill and even my passing from their actions.
It didn't work lol!
And it was fun watching karma unfold BUT I AM rising ABOVE these levels to simply want to forgive them, all of it.
Remain NC. Never have contact.

This is not only my journey. Everyone is welcome to share ANY THING.

Love EM

Re: Forgiveness

ecomama — Sat, 29 Oct 2022 15:21:16 GMT

Hello Eagle Ray, I think for me, not necessarily all people, that I WANT TO, even NEED to forgive ALL those people, it's a yearning so deep, like my Soul is weighted and I simply don't need that.

I've lived long enough to know without a shadow of doubt that UNLESS I learn the lessons, they WILL repeat and get uglier each time.

I don't do ugly any more lol.

Forgiving with LOVE is something I've practiced but NOT with these people lol!
Ok at my Bible Study I attempted to! Lol.
I felt HEAVY because I was so darned ANGRY with them still (thick in the middle of Courts doing my head in, omg READING those sworn affidavits oozing thick lies like crude oil all over our beautiful LIVES - RE VOLT ING).

I found it easier to "hand it all over to GOD" than doing any type of psychological gymnastics TRYING to forgive when I absolutely could NOT.

I wasn't "there" yet.

I AM THERE now.

An analogy instantly came to mind.... hahaha. I love me some analogies.
SO after all this HOT AIR blustering & BURSTING out of me to my closest, most trusted people including my Angelic Lawyer lol...
BURNING HOT AIR LIKE HELL out out out...

I realised I was filling a Hot Air Balloon... aha this is my analogy.

So as this colourful bright balloon became FULL it rested.
I admired it for a while bobbing around, waiting waiting....

Now I can use this converted hot air to FLOAT UP and see the view from UP HIGH.
I won't "crash" to the ground because the people who I reacted to with hot air, aren't there to burst the balloon.

It was my OWN reaction to their evil doings that I had HOT AIR for.

Now I have no reactivity left but to forgive, release, be free.

Make sense? lol
Love EM

Re: Forgiveness

ecomama — Sat, 29 Oct 2022 15:33:23 GMT

Hey rx, thankyou for defining what this means to you with a well illustrated example hmmm.

Detachment, hmmm.
So not love or like, not hate either?

More like "meh" or "nothing"?

I like the land of "meh" lol.
Either end of the spectrum is still attachment.

I literally have no idea how I'd react to seeing someone from these netherlands of meh, IN PERSON.
Having to shake their hand?
Mmmm ewwww lol.

Rx I don't think forgiving a person necessitates that we ACCEPT their wrongdoings as ok, ever.
Nor do we have to reconcile our relationship with them. HELL NO! lol.

I'm glad you're not bugged psychologically by them.

I had no idea why I WAS on Friday night.

They are hiding in plain sight, masquerading as holy ppl. Hence me having to report to the Royal Commission ffs. But that is done too, for all it was not worth.

Tbh if I saw demon I'd like to think I'd view it as a mosquito tbh. Annoying whining insect it is.
Would I?
IDK.

Forgiven that? Ummm IDK.

"Forgive them Lord for the know not what they do, when they really DID know exactly what they were doing and did it all with evil intent?"
I'm not the Lord lol.
IDK.

Maybe I'm far from forgiveness, I just mentally rehearse BEING on the other side of it.

EMxxxx

Re: Forgiveness

ecomama — Sat, 29 Oct 2022 15:48:13 GMT

Hey Tony WK,

Am I on the right track thinking your "fortress of survival" is you setting BOUNDARIES?

We all need healthy boundaries.

Because of FOO issues I am still learning about setting healthy boundaries, my Counsellor is assisting &, through study.

My "go to" once abuse has become extreme is always No Contact. When it's Police call up worthy then NC all the way.

Freedom I agree. Consists of detachment, acceptance & not engaging?

Lessons not learnt... I had occasion to visit my terminally ill friend tonight.
Woah Tony, she is so full of toxic hatred, spewed all sorts out TO me. Not AT me ... perhaps a little. I understand NOW that my health and happiness provokes all sorts in them.

This could be another thread. I think she's at the point of realisation she's passing and is losing control, so attempting to CONTROL via hatred instead of seizing the opportunities to LOVE.

So dare I even think I need to forgive HER now too?

What a mess.
Now I have 2 friends both terminally ill and BOTH doing toxic shyte.

I am going Low Contact with both.

Did you NEED justification to sever contact for yourself or from others?
I just do it.
I don't ask my IRL people.

Love EM

Re: Forgiveness

Eagle Ray — Sat, 29 Oct 2022 16:11:13 GMT

Yes I think I understand what you’re saying EM. The hot air balloon sounds like a really helpful analogy. It sounds like all the energy of hot air that went into the balloon is now what allows you to rise above, have perspective and you are SAFE. And now you are at that place of non-reactivity you are truly free.

I totally understand not forgiving with love in relation to those particular people. When I mentioned love and the inner expansion it gives I was thinking of love for the special people in our lives, for ourselves and everything we care about. In my case, I replace the energy in me from someone who has horribly abused me with the energy of the beautiful souls in my life - the loving, kind, wise people. I haven’t become completely unreactive to the abuser in that certain things/memories may activate some reactivity, but I’m getting there.

I love your statement, “I don’t do ugly anymore”. I’m 100% with you. I’m just not going there anymore including in the choices I make and who I choose to be around. Life is too precious to allow ugly in. And I totally relate to to the idea of letting go of anything that weighs down the soul. We can nurture and love our souls. It’s like the eternal part of us that is both our core and our expansion to our connection with everything else in the universe.

Re: Forgiveness

ecomama — Sun, 30 Oct 2022 06:36:40 GMT

Okay so you said you like analogies lol, here goes another one I shared with my Counsellor (C) around 2.5y ago when I joined the forums & was getting trauma psych exposure therapy.

C said why did I have the need to explore the horrible things of the past?

I said that it was like I'm walking along a beach with big pebbles to walk on.
I can be walking forward along the pebbles, being a tiny bit careful where I step, not much, I'm confident walking forward.
But then I feel a rumbling, I turn around and there's a pebble here and there rumbling and getting LOUDER...

The rumbling pebbles are like intrusive thoughts & PTSD symptoms.

If I DON'T attend to each pebble, they rumble louder and it all gets unmanageable.

If I DO attend to each one, give the time and space and HEALING attention for each one, then they settle and I can continue walking forward.

Even making this thread has given me a reality check.

Sure yesterday I saw a person who was previously a major trigger lol, in fact going anywhere NEAR that shop was a focus in my therapy!
I had ZERO triggers, didn't even THINK about the fact this was a paralysing place to me a few years ago.

Didn't remember that person worked there lol!
Saw her and thought yeah still ugly hahaha and yeah still working here, well done you (sarcastically).

Nada. Zip zilch nothing. Done.

Major progress.
But forgiveness? idk, each pebble needs it's attention so I can be wholly free.

I can forgive with love, but it's probably an inauthentic love hahaha. Just a pink cloud surrounding them. I find this keeps them away, which is exactly what I want.

I could tell you don't do ugly either hahaha!!!

Love EM

Re: Forgiveness

Eagle Ray — Sun, 30 Oct 2022 08:31:08 GMT

Your pebble analogy makes sense to me EM. It’s like the rumbling pebbles are the past experiences that still had trauma-related charge. What you have done is quieten the rumbles - released the charge. It’s amazing how your imagination comes up with this helpful imagery. We have such healing potential always already in us and can tap into it.

In a somatic processing exercise with the psych, I had someone who was acting out abusively to me (from the past) turn first into a hologram and then dissolve altogether. My primal brain produced that. I didn’t consciously think it. Afterwards I’m on the same street at night in my memory, and it is a calm and peaceful evening and everything is ok again.

The fact you went to a place and it no longer affected you, that is fantastic. I know that feeling of paralysis and when it no longer happens it’s truly wonderful. It really is possible to heal, but also sometimes we absolutely need to keep certain people out of our lives. I think if you still feel ambivalent about forgiveness, allow that. You don’t need any pressure to forgive now or in the future. It may or may not happen one day, but releasing yourself, which is the progress it sounds like you’ve made, is what matters for your well being.

I’m working on this myself - seeking freedom. I’ve had a taste of it and then relapsed, but I think it’s a two steps forward, one step back thing. I need to be patient and kind with myself.

Much kindness to you EM xxxx