topic Re: How to feel 'connected' without reaching out? in Staying well

How to feel 'connected' without reaching out?

Willow Jude — Thu, 20 Oct 2022 03:24:12 GMT

Hey everyone,

We know that a sense of connection is important for our wellbeing, but sometimes there are times when actively reaching out to a friend, family member, partner, etc. to meet that need for connection isn’t possible/realistic, for whatever reason. So I was wondering if there’s anything else you find is helpful to foster a sense of ‘connection’?

I tend to:

- engage with familiar content (TV shows, movies, music, etc.)

- watch YouTube channels I like where the creators seem to care about their viewers and engage with them like they’re a friend

- participate in discussions on the forums, or connect with other users on social media like Tumblr

- use Instagram stories to post things that my friends can respond to (e.g. polls, asking for suggestions, etc.)

I would be really interested to hear your thoughts on this!

- WJ

Re: How to feel 'connected' without reaching out?

Croix — Thu, 20 Oct 2022 08:41:13 GMT

Dear WillowJude~

You are certainly right that one does need to feel connected, at least at times, and you sound as if you have a pretty organized way of setting that up.

I"m afraid my own ways involve more actual interaction, I will talk with osmeone, either in person, or if that's not possible then on the phone -even Zoom/Facetime at times.

Then again there are the pets, Foxy Dog and Sumo Cat have their own characters (and can be quite bossy at times:) Foxy is also good for introductions when we are outside.

It is true I can come here, and after a long time have a number of freinds I can casually talk with, however that delay until the reply comes in does not help.

That being said I'm quite happy on my own a fair bit of the time, and can read/watch/listen being totally absorbed.

I'd be interested to know what others do too.

Croix

Re: How to feel 'connected' without reaching out?

ecomama — Thu, 20 Oct 2022 11:23:39 GMT

Hi Willow Jude, nice to "see" you again lol.

I might be able to see what you're trying to say... is it like "connecting" with things with people IN them (like a show someone could watch) in place of connecting with people in real life?

I'm glad you wrote that you'd be interested to hear people's thoughts on this.....

My first thought brought me back to something I heard Brene Brown say, a participant at one of her workshops said "Okay I'm fine to TRY "vulnerability" but I'm gonna try it with myself first"... she tried to say you can't DO vulnerability with yourself but this person was insistent. This wouldn't work.

Brene is a researcher on shame, courage, vulnerability and empathy which leads to studies on connection and whole hearted living too.

So for me "connection" means IRL with actual people.
Deep connections, which I believe we're hard wired for, can only be felt with real people, IRL.

So are the viewing, online interactions, etc a band aid?
Could they be a practice run for those unwilling to be vulnerable and simultaneously know their own courage to jump into IRL interactions? IDK, for some people perhaps they are?

Feeling vulnerable will always feel uncomfortable because as soon as it feels comfortable then it's no longer vulnerability.
Tbh I'm more concerned with the trends OF only seeking far less meaningful connections online or feeling it's adequate to view things... it makes sense that this only plays to the ever growing fears within people TO reach out, pursue, make and RETAIN meaningful connections.

Fractured relationships seem to be at the core of so many member's heart ache here on the forums. (Some are gone for good reasons too).
Learning that we NEED healthy relationships is at the core of our healing IME.

Am I off track? Sorry if I am, just my thoughts. Hugs.

Love EM

Re: How to feel 'connected' without reaching out?

Willow Jude — Fri, 21 Oct 2022 06:22:44 GMT

Hi Croix,

I’m glad to hear you have found some ways to support your sense of connection through interactions with others. And I loved reading about your pets!

Thanks for your response 🙂

-WJ

Re: How to feel 'connected' without reaching out?

Willow Jude — Fri, 21 Oct 2022 06:49:12 GMT

Hi ecomama, lovely to see you too!

You are definitely on track with what you’re saying. I completely agree with you about the importance of deep connections, and I do crave those meaningful interactions, but find myself in a position where there’s hardly anyone I can rely on for them. So when I’m desperate for connection but my only close friend is busy, or I’m unable to attend social events/hobbies, or the social support I need is beyond what can be provided by a casual catch-up, or whatever else it may be, I do turn to other things as a ‘band-aid’ solution (which I think is a really accurate way of describing it).

But your post does do a great job of highlighting the importance of meaningful relationships and interactions and I can see that it’s something I should strive toward. I am starting to work on addressing the ‘dysfunction’ in my relationships, so hopefully I can take your insight to heart and things will start looking up.

Thanks,

Re: How to feel 'connected' without reaching out?

ecomama — Fri, 21 Oct 2022 07:34:26 GMT

Hey WJ, I was eager to read your thoughts on where I took this lol.

NOW you're getting even deeper! ..."I am starting to work on addressing the ‘dysfunction’ in my relationships" ummmm.... (excluding my insights lol) the "things will start looking up" <<< being the goal right?

'Things looking up' meaning you'll feel better?

Throwing a spanner in these works Willow. Of course you can DO whatever you want, you're a big girl now... here comes the butt, BUT do you positively KNOW there's dysfunction in these relationships?
Tbh I expect that everyone has baggage more or less. I mean is it the relationship or the people?

The thing I'm concerned about for YOU is if you throw tons of mental energy & TIME into pursuing meaningful relationships WITH the people you deem to already have dysfunctional relationships with.... isn't that like throwing good money after bad?
Not that we should throw people OUT, no.

As far as I would go with these ones is to use Brene's "magic sentence" when in an awkward discussion which is "The story I'm telling myself when you do X is that you think D, E & F about me. What's going on?"

My MAIN aim and yours too is this >>> to FEEL BETTER.

So I'd barely touch the "fixing" stuff in the workshop.
I'd fill my workshop time doing things that make me FEEL BETTER. Raising my vibrations to feel happiness and JOY.

Because when WE feel better, what people say has far less impact, or no impact on us.
Because we KNOW that they're speaking from a place of hurt if they want to hurl nasty words.
Doesn't mean I'll give them more of my TIME lol, quite the opposite. I'll do the "pregnant pause".

Then go off and make myself feel better!
The most loving thing we can do for ourselves is to pour the LOVE INTO ourselves. Then Magic happens.

Make any sense?
Love EMxxxx

Re: How to feel 'connected' without reaching out?

Willow Jude — Fri, 21 Oct 2022 09:19:34 GMT

Thanks ecomama, I really appreciate you taking the time to respond, and I love your perspective on things!

I guess by dysfunction I meant that I bring some less-than-ideal aspects to my relationships, and my idea of ‘things looking up’ is hopefully me being able to better manage these things and therefore have stronger/healthier relationships with others. I have Borderline Personality Disorder, which can show up as me being too clingy/obsessive, being ‘hot and cold’ with people, putting unrealistic expectations on my friendships, and even holding back from some relationships because I can feel myself becoming ’too much’ for others. So the people around me are great, I just know I need to work on being a healthier person within my relationships with them, which will hopefully come with me starting treatment soon.

I really love your ideas on how we can support our own wellbeing in relation to the interactions we have with others, including the ‘magic sentence’ idea. I suppose it’s something that can get missed when we focus so much on the relationships and interactions themselves, rather than ourselves within them. I’ll aim to keep what you said in mind, and try to really consider my personal wellbeing as being an important foundation for my social wellbeing.

- WJ

Re: How to feel 'connected' without reaching out?

quirkywords — Fri, 21 Oct 2022 10:27:14 GMT

Willow,
I can connect by writing for others and reading poetry. I text family and say hello to strangers in the street. I also connect with myself by being honest.

Re: How to feel 'connected' without reaching out?

Willow Jude — Fri, 21 Oct 2022 10:48:09 GMT

I love these ideas, thanks for sharing quirkywords!

Re: How to feel 'connected' without reaching out?

Guest_1584 — Fri, 21 Oct 2022 11:20:39 GMT

Hi willow .

lt's a very natural need in humans as to in animals if you watch any pair of animals of just about anything their connection is an incredible thing.

Unfortunately humans in many circumstances have lost so much and the modern times of internets , messages, screens computers, isolation and so many busy lives these days, it's worse than ever in history . That's a fact but as if it needs to be, and getting worse by the day, a no brainer more like it.

l personally don't find anything even close to a partner , friendships for me can never be near on such a level and then of course there's touch and intimacy and deepest hrs together .

As friendships go though there's only 1 or two mates l rely on also, l'd say very often the case for many. But like so many now they're also very busy and have their lives, we might catch up every few wks. l love any time we do get but it's different again. My daughter also of course such a very special soul in my world, so special , somewhere in between mates and a partner haha.

l can't get anything like this though from anything other than human.Pets are different, nature- as beautiful as it is, shows or yt's, books or anything else. Things like that give a different thing and on a far lesser level of course but def' have their place for me in just relaxing, forgetting, unwinding .

Re: How to feel 'connected' without reaching out?

ecomama — Fri, 21 Oct 2022 14:56:26 GMT

Hey Willow, it's my pleasure dear! I love our interacting with you too, so thank you too!! lol.

I love that you're starting treatment soon, wishing you all the very best with this.

Ahhh the good ole BPD hey? My eldest d, I call Alexa here but it's nowhere near her IRL name, is doing her Psych Honours atm and has been able to put things in perspective for all of us in the family who are in relationships with AWESOME people who are dealing with alphabet soup diagnoses like us lol. Notwithstanding the recent events in Oz and the world, we're seeing rising MH issues in our circles on top.

Remembering that one practice that assists us all is SELF-CARE, which we know can be on any level, including nurturing our relationships. Our number 1 relationship has to be with ourselves.
Accepting that WE are whomever we are is a really kind thing to meditate on.
The "I'm okay, you're okay" attitude and I'll add just the way you are because we're all gorgeously "imperfect", it's an inescapable fact! lol.
I haven't got Brene's book "The Gifts of Imperfection" but I've always been fine with this.

Another lovely set of books and I had a cassette tape of these (lol!) was "The Celestine Prophecy".. sounds more ominous and out there than it all is tbh. I found the research in these fascinating. Also bringing our attention to the energy flow in interactions with different people. Some times there's a power struggle but only if both ppl are struggling for this "power" - which I see more at work lol.

Synergy is the pinnacle of course.
Between the former and the latter "levels" there can be so many interactions that have intentional listening, validation, mirroring, even empathic listening? etc. I call this "holding space" ie not predicting an outcome or being competitive for air time.

It's all a wonderful, swirly, colourful mix of experiences with our people.

How are you doing today?

Love EMxxxx

Re: How to feel 'connected' without reaching out?

Summer Rose — Fri, 21 Oct 2022 20:36:52 GMT

Hi Willow Jude

I really appreciate this thread. There have been many times in my life where I have been unable to reach out to people. Sometimes because I’m so low I can’t even sort out how I feel to have a conversation, sometimes because I have had nothing positive to say and didn’t want to be a burden and sometimes because that’s just me—I’d just prefer to be alone.

I found a way to stay connected by accident. I was caring for my child who was experiencing a serious chronic and disabling mental health condition and the only time I got a break was when she was asleep. I’d make a cup of tea and head outside to watch the night sky.

In my belief system, the people I’ve loved and lost are in the heavens, so I felt this amazing connection with all of them. It was also a connection with our universe and an awe inspiring reminder that we are all connected and part of something much bigger than our lives on planet Earth.

Kind thoughts to you

Re: How to feel 'connected' without reaching out?

Willow Jude — Sat, 22 Oct 2022 06:19:53 GMT

Hi randomx,

I appreciate your insights into our need for connection and what might be getting in the way of us meeting that need in current times. I’m glad to hear that you have some relationships that help bring you a sense of connection, but I understand that there can also be a want for more interactions/relationships to support your social wellbeing.

It’s good that you find things like nature, pets, TV, and reading useful in some way, even if what they bring to our lives and wellbeing doesn’t necessarily compare to having meaningful connections with others.

Thanks for your response!

- WJ

Re: How to feel 'connected' without reaching out?

Willow Jude — Sat, 22 Oct 2022 06:33:20 GMT

Thanks ecomama!

You bring up some important points about self-care, self-acceptance, and the types of things we can be mindful of in our interactions with others. I reckon they’ll be useful for me to think about on my journey to better managing my mental health and supporting my mental wellbeing.

I’m doing reasonably well today - I’ve managed to avoid the feelings of emptiness/loneliness that tend to creep in sometimes, so that has been a nice change! I’m a little disappointed about having to miss some opportunities to connect with others this week due to me being sick, but I know I’ve got some more opportunities coming up soon, so I am trying to stay positive 🙂

Hope you are doing well too!

- WJ

Re: How to feel 'connected' without reaching out?

Willow Jude — Sat, 22 Oct 2022 06:50:32 GMT

Hi Summer Rose,

Thanks for your response, and I’m glad to hear you’re finding the thread useful! I can definitely relate to the barriers to connecting with others that you’ve mentioned, and I understand how tough it can be to find yourself in those situations.

Your story about feeling connection with/through the night sky is beautiful! It’s lovely that you came across this method of supporting your wellbeing, though I’m sorry to hear that it was born from some challenging experiences. I hope things are okay with you and your loved ones x

I do find myself enjoying stargazing, though I never would have thought of engaging in it through the lens of connection, so I will definitely have to give it a go in the future.

- WJ

Re: How to feel 'connected' without reaching out?

Eagle Ray — Sat, 22 Oct 2022 14:48:27 GMT

This is a great idea for a thread topic Willow Jude. Earlier this year I moved to a new town by myself. I was in a pretty bad way following a traumatising, highly stressful period in my life. I simply couldn’t reach out as I was locked down by trauma and complicated, unprocessed grief. Phone conversations with several caring relatives helped and the occasional interactions with neighbours and townspeople. But I was also debilitated with health issues so I was so limited and not functioning well.

What did I do? I went into nature. It has always been my safe place since childhood. Humans have not always been safe but nature has been like a caring, safe person for me, as weird as that may sound. I don’t mind storms, getting rained on or even meeting snakes on bush walks which I’m very used to now. They are just creatures going about their day trying to survive like me. Everything I see from wrens to birds of prey to wildflowers and sea creatures is a beautiful reminder of life and I can honestly say this is what has held me together.

Now as I’m starting to emerge out of past grief and trauma I’m beginning to feel more able to re-enter the social world. I’m engaging more easily with people and I can feel how important that human contact is. But it was necessary for a time to go to my safe nature places as my main source of connection until I was able to reach beyond that. So your thread resonates with me.

I’ve used familiar TV shows too. It’s like hearing the voices of familiar others is re-assuring. Podcasts on topics of interest has been really helpful too. These things have been stepping stones in my recovery process and will continue to be, even as I increasingly re-engage with the wider world of actual human contact.

Re: How to feel 'connected' without reaching out?

Summer Rose — Sat, 22 Oct 2022 18:33:56 GMT

Hi Willow Jude

Thank you for your very kind words in response to my post.
My child grew up with MH issues but came through—graduated high school, went on to university, fell in love a few times (!), traveled to Europe—and was starting to find her place in the world. Then Covid came along. The harsh lockdowns we endured in our state set her back. Way back.

Not an unfamiliar story. So, our family has regrouped and battles on. Like many things in life, losing ground and then finding good health is a cycle. As hard as it is for her she never gives up and neither do I.

You take care, lovely.

Kind thoughts to you

Re: How to feel 'connected' without reaching out?

Guest_1584 — Sat, 22 Oct 2022 21:33:58 GMT

Yeah nature is just an incredible thing , lt's our gift from the Gods. Just like love or affection or the sky oceans animals bush, sun, it's all free . Natures not materialistic like humans , it just says to us here l am , all free , so easy, all you have to do is step outside and enjoy me, look after me . lt just mind boggling the complete just out of touch , disrespect and just total lack of understanding and connection our pollies , most of them, have for nature and of it's simple importance to the crazy world and lifestyle they think they're creating for us- yet they treat one of the most important things for us - the way they do.

Even from a unit in the middle of a city if you can't get out , just watch birds on power lines or a tree , and how the act with ea other , they're smarter than us. Or lap up sun through your window or park if you can, any small thing.

lt is weird with age, time, on a friends front and people we know.lt all becomes more distant , you'd think old friendships, family, would be treasured and grow even more. But everyone's busy with lives , kids, family , jobs, bills. lt's understandable all that's a full time life right there. lt is hard to keep in touch you don't wanna be the one doing it all as you feel them fading into their lives, don't even feel like it yourself a lot of the time. l pace it with the few l am in touch with, hear from them, find the comfort timing,

As we get older you feel more and more though there's not much else you can do especially if your living alone but just go on with the other things in life that give you some kind of contentment or if possible at least some kind of connection.

l suppose in most areas there's real things , clubs you can join if something interests you. For awhile back when when l was on the beach l started walking wondering every night after the day. You start to get familiar with others and little chats start happening and stuff, it became pretty cool really. Parks or walk in your area same things really.

life eh.

Re: How to feel 'connected' without reaching out?

ecomama — Sat, 22 Oct 2022 22:07:04 GMT

Hey Willow! It's so wonderful to see you engaging here, it's so awesome others are enjoying the conversations too!

I'm going GREAT! Thanks for asking.

I hope you're recovering from being unwell last week.
I can literally see you blossoming here, so watch out world! lol.

You really deserve all the kindness possible. This includes kind self-talk!
I like the analogy of treating ourselves as our best friend would.

LOVE the fact you're having treatment soon, look at how BRAVE you are! YAY!

Combining both of those ideas above, I find "It's Not the Critic that Counts" speech by Teddy Roosevelt reminds me to JUMP IN and be brave with my life.

It's fun! Sure we fail! Failure is guaranteed for brave people.
Then we can look around and see all the other brave people who've fallen too.
Dust ourselves off and GO AGAIN.

I'm happy you have some nice things to look forward to this week.
Have FUN!

Love EMxxxx

Re: How to feel 'connected' without reaching out?

Willow Jude — Sat, 05 Nov 2022 10:48:22 GMT

Thanks Eagle Ray!

I am sorry to hear that you went through some challenging experiences this year, but glad that things are feeling more manageable now.

I love your insight into the sense of safety you find in nature, and all the interesting things you encounter! Also I appreciate that you can relate to using familiar TV shows, and podcasts are a great idea that I hadn’t thought of. Thank you for sharing!

- WJ