topic Is it really as bad as I think? in Staying well

Is it really as bad as I think?

TishaJade — Wed, 18 Mar 2020 22:58:09 GMT

Hi all,

I've posted a few times about how I feel about this situation, and it seems like I feel better for a little while, and then go back to the same thoughts and feelings. I just want to feel good and continue feeling good. It's hard to know if my feelings are real, or if they are just fears and worries.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and it's clear we love each other a real lot. When we got together he told me he had a son from a previous unmarried relationship. At first I was fine with this. But as months passed I struggled. I struggle with the fact that he has had a child with someone else. And that I will NEVER be the only one to have children to him. I love him beyond measure, and I am JEALOUS that such a beautiful first milestone of having a first child was done without me. And that when we have our child, it will not be as special to him...

I know that he did not love his ex the way he loves me. He never considered marriage, and having a child was only a way of fixing their relationship which, clearly, didn't work. He has told me that he actually wants to get married to me one day, and wants a proper family and this makes me feel good for a little while, but then I am plagued by the above feelings all over again. I feel like I have been an excellent step mum, and I know that his child loves me too. But at times I can't help but feel jealous that his son takes him away from me. That he is tied to a child and another woman and always will be.

I need some serious waking up, facing reality and positive opinions. Can you understand how I feel? What can I do or how can I change these feelings? I am so emotional about this and have been for a long time. Maybe men aren't as emotional about all this stuff as women are?

Is it really as bad as I think?

romantic_thi3f — Wed, 18 Mar 2020 23:35:05 GMT

Hi TishaJade,

Thank you for your post and it's good to see you back here again. I'm really glad that you've been finding some support in these forums.

Your question - wanting to know if these feelings are real, or if they are just fears and worries - I think all of it is real. Fears and worries included!

I can totally see why you would be feeling this and I imagine that I would feel the same way too. The way I see it - I think that you need to give yourself some permission to feel all this stuff without trying to change it. What would it be like to not try and 'wake up' or change how you feel?

I don't think that there's anything to be ashamed of in feeling jealous. It's kind of like you are grieving a lack of an experience - not being able to have your first child together, or be brand new parents together. Being and feeling jealous is totally normal and understandable. I want to really encourage you to just feel it for a while if you can.

Is it really as bad as I think?

Deckt — Thu, 19 Mar 2020 00:08:16 GMT

Hi TishaJade,

Oh hun. I feel your hurt feelings. I am a guy, and my partner (who I loved and probably still do love, so, so much) has recently left me over pretty much this exact issue.

I have two sons from a previous relationship. They loved my ex, so much. But she couldn't handle that I was still "tied" to the mother of their children. It's just not true, and I doubt it is true in your situation. He loves YOU. If he loved her, he would be with her. I get the feeling of "it won't be special" when he has a child with you. My ex and I were planning to get pregnant. I can promise you that I would have loved our child just as much as my boys from before. No more, no less. If anything, can you see that his determination to stay in his son's life as a positive? That he is a good man, and doesn't abandon his responsibilities? If you can, please do. I wish that my ex had been able to do that. Please don't make him choose between his son and you. I made my choice, and I know that it was the right way. But it hurt more than anything I've ever done in my life.

Think of it like this - the first time that you make love is special, and always will be. Would it be reasonable to end a relationship because they had slept with someone else before you, and you would never have that special first with them? I don't think so. Just remember - you can't change go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.

I can't say that I know exactly what you're going through, but I have a pretty good feeling of what your boyfriend is. Instead of resenting him for what he is not, please appreciate him for what he is. I do hear your pain. You are allowed to feel your feelings. But you don't need to let them control you, and just because you feel something does not make it true.

Is it really as bad as I think?

TishaJade — Thu, 19 Mar 2020 03:41:43 GMT

Hi Deckt,

Thanks so so so much for your empathy.

From the woman's perspective, being in love with a man who has a child, I can't tell you how INCREDIBLY HARD it is. I can't speak for your ex-girlfriend, and I am terribly sorry that she couldn't cope with this situation that I can personally say I sympathize with. My boyfriend has told me a thousand times that if I can't cope with it that he won't keep me from leaving. He says that he doesn't want me to hurt because he can't change the past, and that he didn't know I existed back then, or that I would be the one he truly wanted this life with. But if I truly can't deal with the situation that he doesn't blame me. I know that he wants to have us both in his life, and choosing is no option and I would never make him choose. To be honest, leaving him is not an option either. He is the man of my dreams, I love him TOO much hence the overemotional feelings. He treats me well and is a FANTASTIC dad. A dad I would love to have for my children. All my family tell me how lucky I am and that I'm silly for feeling the way I feel. It is very hard... being the step-mum of a child that your partner had with another woman. To some of us, it hurts beyond belief. I struggle every day, I find myself falling into depression over it, getting irritable, angry, emotional I have told him at times that I feel like he wouldn't want children with me as much as he did her, or he wouldn't love my children as much... He tells me it's not true, and that the only reason he doesn't love our children as much is because they don't exist yet.

I'd find some sort of healing knowing that having children with me would be the biggest joy in his life, that he would love my children somewhat deeper because he loves me and they are a part of me. I just want to know that having a first child with her doesn't matter because it's nowhere near as special as it would be with me, someone he loves. And someone he wants to have a child with, because he is happy, and not because he is not. Does this resonate with you? Do you feel like this would be true in your case and in mine?

Is it really as bad as I think?

quirkywords — Thu, 19 Mar 2020 10:46:32 GMT

Tisha jade,

think everyone is different. I know both men and women who have married partners who already had children.

My first husband said he would not marry a woman who had children.

I can see you are conflicted you love this man and if you have a child with him that would be special as it is your first. I know you realise he loves his so and you and he would want both in his life.

Sometimes we spend time wanting something we cant have instead of loving what we already have.

Dekt is giving his perspective which is helpful.

I wonder if you leave and find a man who hs not had children will you be any happier? Just a thought.

I wish you all the best.

Is it really as bad as I think?

TishaJade — Thu, 19 Mar 2020 12:47:09 GMT

Hi quirkywords,

Leaving him has crossed my mind at times. I will admit that when I am feeling really sorry for myself, I have thought about what it would be like with someone else. Would my pain go away?

The answer is no. My pain would not go away, I would be in pain of losing them both. I have found someone so worth being with that I hate myself for feeling this way. He treats me better than I deserve, and supports me through everything. He loves me, shows it and makes me happy. He wants a life with me, and I believe in my heart that I am the only one he truly wants to marry and have a real family with. I can't imagine not being with him he is my soulmate and best friend. I just need help to rise above this...

Is it really as bad as I think?

Deckt — Fri, 20 Mar 2020 12:34:23 GMT

Hi TishaJade,

I've read your post, and I have some thoughts, but I can't tonight. It's nothing to do with you or your post, just some other stuff I'm going through right now. I will come back to this, most likely tomorrow. Just wanted to check in and let you know I'm still following this thread.

Is it really as bad as I think?

TishaJade — Thu, 02 Apr 2020 22:52:19 GMT

Hi Deckt,

Sorry for the really late reply.

Thank you for still following my thread. It means a lot to me. I still struggle with this... but somehow over the last couple of weeks I have felt a little better. I hope you are feeling okay?

TishaJade

Is it really as bad as I think?

Guest_1643 — Sat, 04 Apr 2020 08:47:35 GMT

Hi Tisha, i'm very moved by the love you feel for your partner and also the way you write about your confusion at this time. I just want to validate you that what you felt was real and okay. I'm glad you feel better, I hope sharing here is helping 🙂

Is it really as bad as I think?

Deckt — Sun, 05 Apr 2020 10:14:45 GMT

Hi TishaJade,

I'm very sorry that it has taken me so long to get back to you. As I'm sure you know, the world is pretty weird and confronting right now.

The most important thing, that I think that you've realised, and that my ex never did, is that you have a choice. You can change the situation, or you can change the way you react to the situation. Changing the situation means leaving. If that's not something you can see yourself doing, the ONLY choice you have is to change your perspective. He's a good dad, and you love that about him. Being a good father is the greatest achievement that any man will ever make in his life. It means that he steps up and takes accountability of his responsibilities. That's a man to be cherished.

Something that she never got, and your post resonates with my situation too was the fear that he wouldn't love your child as much, and the hope that he'd love it more. If he's a good dad? He'll love them just the same. There's not a finite amount of love to spread around. The more people there are, the more love there is to go around.

I hope that you make the decision that will bring you the greatest joy. I don't feel that my ex did, but it was her choice to make. For you, for your partner, for your current and future children... please make the right choice.

Is it really as bad as I think?

TishaJade — Fri, 10 Apr 2020 06:04:55 GMT

Hi Deckt,

Don't apologise, life gets hard sometimes I'm glad to hear from you.

I agree with you about having choices. And I can tell you personally that I never had a problem with being a step mum, and I have embraced the role as best as I can. I don't mind cooking dinners, reading stories, bathtime, family days and I don't mind the million questions he asks me a day. What is hard to swallow, is getting attached to a child, and loving a child that is not, and never will be mine. It's a struggle between jealousy that my partner's child belongs to another woman, feeling like I'll never have my partner all to myself, that I have to share him with two other people totally not related to me or my life, but that I have to come to accept. I understand from your perspective that a father does not love a child more or less than the other. But I believe they are loved DIFFERENTLY. In your case, having two children with a woman that perhaps you didn't love, versus a child with a woman you love with your whole heart. Maybe it is not fair of me to feel this way, but in some ways, I feel like ultimately, my children SHOULD be somewhat more of a priority for mainly one reason. My children would only have him as a father, whereas his child now has two sets of parents and is well looked after. Does this make sense. It is my fear that when I have children he will favour my step child over our children. And I feel like our children SHOULD be somewhat more 'special' to him as I am their mother, the woman he LOVES. Do you resonate with this at all? Maybe I am just super emotional about this. Maybe I get it confused that if my partner loves his kid so much, it must have something to do with the mother... I enjoy hearing your view from the male perspective, and I'm somewhat blessed to have someone understand my situation. It must have been EXTREMELY hard on your ex to have left you. It must have really eaten her up inside. I have fallen in and out of depression, wishing I could change my perspective on this. It's REALLY hard. The reason it's hard is not normally the physicality of it. It's the emotional burden and having to face facts that your life changes forever, you will never have the life you planned, you have to share the person you love with another woman for a long time because they share a child. You have to sacrifice your life to help raise a tiny human, meanwhile battling within yourself that they'll never belong to you.

I hope to hear from you again.

TishaJade

Is it really as bad as I think?

Deckt — Sat, 11 Apr 2020 08:49:52 GMT

Hi TishaJade,

I'll be honest, it's a little triggery for me, because you are saying exactly the things that my ex said. However, I think that you are more willing to listen to reason.

You are embracing the role of step-parent. Why do you feel that they have to be YOURS to enjoy having them in your life? Being a step-parent can be awesome.

You feel like you'll "never have my partner all to myself, that I have to share him with two other people totally not related to me or my life". That's a bit possessive, and entitled. Does he have friends, family? Do you? Why is it that you can "share" him with those people? If your partner is the father that you describe him as, he will love all of his children differently, but equally. I'd also remind you that the children you are speaking of, the children that you want to share with your partner, are currently hypothetical. They may never exist. Don't throw away a bird in the hand for two in the bush.

Ultimately, this is about you, and your insecurities, rather than the situation. I think you know this. You say that you wish you could change your perspective, and that you've tried, and that it's hard. If you can't change your perspective, quit this relationship, today. If you can't see yourself doing that, try harder. Have you sought any professional counselling on this issue? I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. But you MIGHT be able to change your perspective, possibly with CBT or some other treatment. You will not be able to change your partner's feelings for his child, and frankly, if you could, it would be wrong of you to do so.

I don't think it did eat my partner up inside. She was spoiled, and selfish. Giving her 90% of my time wasn't enough. 95% wasn't enough. 98% wasn't enough. She wanted everything. She made me choose between her and my kids. I guarantee you that if you put your partner in that position, it will not end well for you. Children do not belong to any of us. We just take care of them for a while.

But I don't think that you are spoiled, or selfish. You can change yourself, if you want to badly enough, and I think that you do. Look into some CBT therapy and exercises, and possibly look into a support group for step-parents?

I'm sorry if this has come across as harsh, but I thought it was best to be straight with you. It took my ex two and a half years to work out that she couldn't deal with the fact that I had children, though I always put her needs first. Don't do this to your partner.

Is it really as bad as I think?

TishaJade — Wed, 15 Apr 2020 13:00:39 GMT

Hi Deckt,

I apologise for the delayed response.

I just want you to know how much i appreciate your time and effort and pain to guide me through this experience. And I apologise sincerely for how it affects you.

You have been understanding, but also honest and tactful. And I just want you to know you have helped me a lot to change my perspective, and not take for granted the wonderful life I have and the wonderful man and father that I have who loves me.

I have learnt over the past few days that there is one type of pain that overbears all the insignificant hurt I have been struggling with for a long time, and that is losing my partner forever, and recently I have almost done that. It broke my heart in a million pieces when my partner suddenly said he couldn't do it anymore, and he is sorry he can't give me the life that I want and he is sorry he has caused me a lot of pain. He broke down and cried and I have never seen him do that. He was adamant it was over. Of course, I begged him and pleaded with him that I love my life with him and that I will always push through and be here because I love him. It took a lot of tears and pain and convincing but i realised how my behavior and my demands and my bitterness has affected his mental health. I realised how truly terrible I have been. And that feeling hurt about something nobody can change is no excuse because he has NEVER treated me in any way shape or form the way I have treated him. I felt truly undeserving of him that above everything he was willing to let me go because he thought it would make me happier. This is when I knew I couldn't live without him and that I would focus on how good I have it, and how much i love my life and my step child and I would never let jealousy and negativity take over my life anymore.

Thank you for helping me see how much i could be throwing away just because of jealousy and selfishness.

What can I do to prove myself and make his love for me stronger? How do I make him confident that I am in It for the long haul. What would make you truly love a woman with everything inside you, that there is no doubt. I don't want my partner to ever doubt me again.

A million thanks,
TishaJade

Is it really as bad as I think?

Deckt — Thu, 16 Apr 2020 00:38:04 GMT

Hey TishaJade!

I'm really glad that you received my response in the spirit in which it was intended. So glad.

Can I gently remind you that you're not terrible? And importantly, telling yourself that you're terrible is really unhelpful. Don't do it. It's one thing to recognise that you could have made better choices in the past, and you've done that. This is great! But please don't put yourself down.

I don't really buy the "prove your love" thing. Just from how you've talked about him, it's pretty clear that a) he loves you, and b) knows that you love him. SHOW him your love, but don't feel like you have to PROVE it. From my perspective? The best way that a woman can show that she loves me is to accept every part of me; especially the part of me that is a father. It doesn't sound to me like he's doubted you; rather that he doubted himself.

All you have to do is keep trying to be better. Don't let it become a complex, and PLEASE don't beat yourself up if you have bad days. You're a human person; we're allowed to be a little jealous and insecure sometimes. Those bad times will happen. The important thing is what you do next. Learn from the mistakes, do better.

You got this, TJ. 🙂

Please feel free to keep checking in. I'm happy to offer what little wisdom I have in this arena.