topic Carrying another person's pain in Staying well

Carrying another person's pain

Moonstruck — Sat, 25 Jan 2020 00:02:21 GMT

Dear friends.....I didn't know which thread to post this on....hoping this one will do...

I read some blogs on Tiny Buddha website to help me with having "too much"empathy...i.e. just now (it has happened before with me) a close family member is going through a very bad time, seemingly unsolvable problems, and is very very low. They have been suffering emotionally and mentally for a long time now without confiding in anyone. Since knowing how bad their situation is, I think of it constantly, feeling the urge to "fix it" for them, just let me take over, make things right.

It is more than "worrying" about them although of course I do worry terribly. I sort of "know" how they feel and I feel it too. It's a heavy burden even though I dearly love this person and would do anything for them......am I "carrying around their pain"? I think I am. I cry easily when I dwell too much on it...not for myself...I am OK...but for another's pain. it's almost like grieving, a deep despair that I cannot help them.

I foresee more pain for them unless "I" can fix this for them. I am hurting and in pain, even though I realise it is someone else's pain that I am sort of "carrying for them". Any advice how I can put this down? Should I put this down? How do I stop dwelling on another's pain....I love this person and would do anything for them to "make them happy". I think of what they are going through practically 100% of the time.

any thoughts from you would be greatly appreciated...........love...Moon S

Carrying another person's pain

Gambit87 — Sat, 25 Jan 2020 03:03:54 GMT

Hi Moon

I too tend to have a little to much empathy and my automatic reaction to seeing anyone I love and care about in pain is 'what can I do to help' or 'let me handle it and just relax' etc. I also dwell on it because I feel like I'm stuck on the sidelines watching someone in pain.

I don't have any real advice - I don't know how to stop dwelling myself. What I try and do is detach myself from the issue, try and give helpful tidbits of advice and make it known that I'm around for support. I think you should try to put this down though as it can have negative effects on yourself aswell.

Carrying another person's pain

Moonstruck — Sun, 26 Jan 2020 09:24:20 GMT

Dear Gambit87....I agree with you that I must "put this down or it will have negative effect on myself as well"...Yes it has, I recognise that...it is a week since I found out the upsetting news and has been the week from hell. (bear in mind nothing bad has happened to me directly...it has happened to someone else).

Where I can survive (so far anyway) my own bad times, this one is proving too great for me to overcome. I have no comfort, no peace of mind, I want to talk with the person involved all the time, I need reassurance they are coping OK, all the time.

I am finding it hard to go about my everyday business, appointments, friends activities, shopping, outings etc.......I feel on the brink of a breakdown....and yet nothing has "happened" to me, no one has done anything cruel or unfair to me.

I am creating distressing scenarios in my head, seeing what could or may not happen...wondering what decision my loved one will make, will things get worse or better for them? The thoughts spiral around and around and I am in a really bad way. I can't concentrate on anything, or get any pleasure from anything.

I have hesitated ringing BB phone counsellor because I know what they will advise.....that all i can do is listen, share their pain, let them know I am there for them at any time and there's nothing else I can do. I know that myself but I am falling apart.

Carrying another person's pain

romantic_thi3f — Tue, 28 Jan 2020 23:50:48 GMT

Hi Moonstruck,

Thank you for your post. I can resonate with this one deeply. It's probably a blessing and a curse as to why I decided to go into counselling - on one hand, I have a lot of empathy - and on the other - I feel like I have too much empathy too.

I think it's wonderful to be able to want to fix things for them and to work to carry their pain. It shows me just how much you care about them and want to help - not everyone wants to do this so I do see it as a strength and admirable quality in you.

I agree that you are carrying their pain and can let it go. This isn't your pain. By working to carry it and try to make it better, it's not actually taking away their pain. Unfortunately - we can't just 'pass it on' to someone who cares about us or loves us. So while your intentions are great, now both of you are in pain - which doesn't really help anybody. I think knowing and understanding this is key to letting it go, in knowing that trying to 'carry it' isn't actually helping in the way that you want to.

Carrying another person's pain

Moonstruck — Wed, 29 Jan 2020 05:22:13 GMT

Thank you r t,

I have been on the verge of ringing BB counsellors but held back because I know what advice they will give... "be there for your loved one, listen, let them know they have your support any time, sit with them through their pain, but don't interfere (especially as there is a third person involved)....so see, I already know what the best advice is.....

on the other hand....for over a week now I have myself, been sinking lower and lower, I think about my loved one 100% of the time.

I enjoy nothing of my previous activities or being with friends. I cannot relax over a book, a movie or by my favourite place of healing...the ocean.

I am eating practically nothing...starving. I am of a mature age so putting on weight around the middle without even trying....so perhaps this starving will be beneficial in that regard at least. I am not hungry.

I feel the urge to lie curled up on the floor, thinking, thinking, thinking of just how I can help my loved one.....Will I interfere, or won't I? If I don't interfere, does that mean I don't care......I have no one to advise me.

I have received conflicting advice actually from really close friends, one said I should get involved, the other said just listen and "be there"....... again, I realise this is not "my" problem. Nothing bad has happened directly to me.

I don't know what to do......

Carrying another person's pain

Summer Rose — Wed, 29 Jan 2020 12:16:53 GMT

Hi Moonstruck

I totally understand what you are saying and the place of love you are coming from, as I have cared for a child with a mental health condition for the past eight years.

It is so hard to step back from your loved ones pain. But this is what you must do. This is not being selfish and it doesn't mean you don't care. It's simply logical.

You have to look after yourself and be in your best possible health to help them. You cannot help your loved one if you fall ill.

You step back by caring for yourself. Small steps. I suggest you set an achievable goal for tomorrow. Talk a short walk, listen to music for half an hour or just sit in the sun or watch the night sky for half an hour. Just be in the moment.

How would you feel about that? If you can't do half an hour start with 15 minutes. Please believe me when I say this is important.

I have learned to do this to survive. And after some time out I am always stronger and ready to face the day's challenges.

Kind thoughts to you

Carrying another person's pain

romantic_thi3f — Wed, 29 Jan 2020 22:46:42 GMT

Hi Moonstruck,

It's great to hear from you again, and I'm glad that you were able to share about how you're feeling particularly with ringing up BB. I'm not sure why one of your other posts didn't go through - usually if it doesn't meet the criteria the mods will let members know ? Anyway, I'm glad you tried again - and maybe as a suggestion just copy everything you write before you post so you don't lose it all.

I'm really sorry to hear how much this has been affecting you; I feel even more grateful that you've decided to talk about it when it's been bringing you down and weighing on you so heavily.

I did notice something while reading your post though. You said that you 'know what the best advice is' but later you said 'if I don't interfere, does that mean I don't care?' I feel like there's a bit of conflict, and I wonder if that alone is making you feel this way; being pulled a bit from each side about what you should actually do. Does that sound right?

I think it's important to know that you do care very much about your family member (which you know already!) but the amount you care doesn't change whether you are sitting on the chair right next to them, lying on your bed or even in the toilet! In the same way you can love someone without being in the same room, you can care for them without being in the same room too.

I'm not sure if this resonates with you or not, but I hope this helps you think about things a little differently

Carrying another person's pain

Moonstruck — Fri, 31 Jan 2020 00:52:29 GMT

Dear friends.....I did ring the BB phone counsellor..it was a guy and he was wonderful. he reminded me of the old analogy of the oxygen mask in the plane....you know when its going to crash and they always say to "put your own oxygen mask on first" before you try to save others. Your first thought would be to "save my kids" but you can't if you haven't got your own oxygen mask on first.

He gave me incentive to do as much as possible to look after "me" first just now. I have felt the first "pockets of peace" in over a week...just to have another voice, a male voice that seemed so interested in helping and encouraging me.

I found myself laughing at something on TV then stopped myself thinking "Is this OK? should I be laughing when someone I love is suffering? does this make me a bad person?".......

I know one thing...I am exhausted..and feel a great need to rest and lie down and read or just lie there. Is this OK? This doesn't mean I am lazy does it?

One of the biggest things I have to work on, and have been aware of for a long time is this compulsion to "check if it's OK" whenever I do anything for "me"....especially if it seems self indulgent i.e. something I would enjoy......is anyone looking? Do I have to get "permission" first before I lie down on my bed? Do you think I am exhausted from concentrating 100% of the time on my loved one's suffering? are they connected?

Carrying another person's pain

Paw Prints — Fri, 31 Jan 2020 09:23:53 GMT

Dear Moon,

Lass the BB phone counsellor was right, taking care of you first will put you in a much better place to be able to help if needed.

What if the boot was on the other foot? If it was you going through a bad time. Would you want those who care about you to make themselves ill worrying about you.? Would you think them uncaring if they practiced self care or took some time for themselves to relax? I think we both know what the answer would be.... no you wouldn't.

"Will I interfere, or won't I? If I don't interfere, does that mean I don't care." Even if I knew all the details I still couldn't/wouldn't advise you to interfere/not interfere. Which ever you choose, you will be doing what you think best with the information you have. That is caring.

Using our brains can be more tiring than physical exercise, especially when we worry & release all the stress hormones to flood our body. Your feelings of exhaustion can be put down to your mental stress.

Hugs

Paws

Carrying another person's pain

Moonstruck — Fri, 14 Feb 2020 13:36:37 GMT

Hi Paw Prints....I am struggling along...I think of the good things, the happy things, the loved ones who are OK and then I remember......the one in pain, the one in despair, the one with seemingly no way out....and it seems to outweigh the good stuff.......how can I balance them out I wonder?

How can I be happy and "in the moment" when someone I love is in trouble? Is there a magic pill I wonder?

Carrying another person's pain

Paw Prints — Fri, 14 Feb 2020 16:23:28 GMT

Hello Moon,

You seem to be struggling with giving yourself permission to not worry 100% of the time. Lass it's ok to give yourself time doing/thinking things other than your loved ones problems. It's not selfish nor uncaring.

Rather than questioning yourself when you do find yourself being "in the moment" perhaps it would be better if you question when you are worrying/ruminating about your loved one ... how does this help/change things for the person I love. If it doesn't change things then you are exhausting yourself for no good reason.

If the thoughts are because your trying to think of ways to help your loved one, thinking constantly is unlikely to result in useful ideas. You will just find your thoughts going in circles. It's far better to allow yourself a set time to try & think of something useful, then when the time is up don't let your thoughts dwell on it. Do something completely different your brain will keep working on it even if it's not at the fore front of your thoughts.

I know all I've said is "easier said than done". You know we can't live someone else's life for them & as much as we may wish too we can't solve another's problems for them. What we can do is let them know our concern & let them know we are there to listen/help if wanted or to suggest possible choices they may think of trying.

Then you have to do something which is hard... you have to step back & accept that they will do whatever they think is best...for good or bad.... & all the worrying in the world won't change that.

Sending you the gentlest of hugs

Paws

Carrying another person's pain

Moonstruck — Fri, 14 Feb 2020 23:36:23 GMT

Thanks for understanding Paw Prints, it's a hard one...and you are spot on I think, when you say I am almost trying to "give myself permission to not worry 100% of the time". I have a lot of good stuff available to me in my life and wasting them will not help my loved one at all, not one tiny bit!

The intelligent rational side of me knows this. I had the chance to be with the person going through the trouble recently and was able to give the best advice and point of view that I could. I am satisfied I chose the right words and let them know they are not alone....that there are others, besides me, who care and are ready to listen and help when or if needed.

I think I have done all I can. another thing I have to try to stop doing is catastrophising and overthinking, "what might happen in the future"...or "what if the situation gets worse" "what if they don't take my advice"...."what if they fall to pieces under the strain".......also have to resist the urge to phone, or text just to say "are you OK?" every 10 minutes!!!

I am doing my best and your "gentlest of hugs" is just what I needed. I am very good at covering up my vulnerability and sadness, so my need for a hug probably goes unnoticed here "in the real world".....

thank you...Moonstruck

Carrying another person's pain

Paw Prints — Sun, 16 Feb 2020 06:18:58 GMT

Hello Moon,

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could just listen to our rational self & completely ignore our emotional self's constant worrying, just like flipping a switch.

I thought I would pop in & just let you know I'm thinking of you & I'm here to listen if you need to talk to someone,

Sending you some very huggily hugs

Paws

Carrying another person's pain

Moonstruck — Sun, 16 Feb 2020 23:54:59 GMT

Thank you so much....that means a lot to me...you have a good day too...love, Moonstruck

Carrying another person's pain

Moonstruck — Thu, 27 Feb 2020 10:34:32 GMT

I am still not coping well with this. My loved one still has a lot of sorting out to do and I keep imagining, catastrophising...."what's happening now? should I ring and just ask Is everything OK?"......I can't keep doing this all the time...he is a busy person. I go about my life but my imagination runs riot when I stop and acknowledge/remember what he has been, and still is, going through.

what if, what if....what if things are worse? what if he has fallen apart? what if he is trying not to bother me by letting me know how things are?..........he knows where I am and I am here for him. I can't expect him to ring or text every single day....my rational self KNOws that!!! My emotional self wants to protect him! I can't.

I am like a broken record I realise that and don't blame anyone for being sick of reading this. I have to vent somehow, somewhere. It's private and I can't just tell "anyone"....

I want people I love to be Happy!! What do we do, when they are not? We want people we love to be well. What do we do when they are ill? How do we put the load down? It's not even my load, but it has become my load, because I want to carry it for my loved one.

Perhaps it is better not to love anyone at all. Just go through life not caring about or loving anyone in particular...no family, no children, no attachments. Just casual acquaintances that come and go. Perhaps better to live completely 100% for oneself...detached, comfortable, content and peaceful.

If you have no love in your life, you have no love to lose have you? Too late for me I'm afraid. I already love. I love too much.

Carrying another person's pain

Moonstruck — Tue, 03 Mar 2020 23:40:43 GMT

It is not getting any better. I am going down down down. I cut out little bits of wisdom about this subject from websites, or wherever...and stick on the inside of my cupboard door. I read. I try and distract myself. It is becoming a real chore to get out of bed, to carry out everyday activities...shopping, paying accounts, etc. I feel my hands are tied behind my back.

advice is always "you can't carry around pain that is not yours" "you must care for yourself first, before you can help another"......I know all that, so why can't I carry it through?

I can't put it down. Not while someone I love is hurting. It is not my pain...and yet I am bowed over and beaten down with the heavy load. I feel now my knees will buckle under the weight,....and the knowledge that it will get much worse for my loved one before it gets better. They had been suffering for ages before telling me.

I can't live with the knowledge of how long they have been in pain and I didn't know the extent of it. I can't do this much longer.

Carrying another person's pain

Paw Prints — Wed, 04 Mar 2020 02:15:39 GMT

Lass I hear you. I'm here for you.

I wish I had words that would magically ease your pain, I don't.

I know you feel it's too personal to share details, but you can share your pain.

Please Please Please lass, pick up the phone....

call the help line....1300 224 636

call your Psych

call your GP (make a double booking so there is time to talk)

call a friend... go to their place... have them come to yours... someone to give you a hug...hold your hand... just be there for you...

Be gentle with yourself lass.... I'm sending you the huggliest of hugs

Paws

Carrying another person's pain

Sophie_M — Wed, 04 Mar 2020 02:37:38 GMT

Hi Moonstruck,

We're sorry that things have been so difficult for you but want you to know that we are here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

Our Support Service is trying to reach you via email as we, like Paw Prints and others, are worried about you. We can be reached 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or on email and webchat (3pm-midnight AEDT) through our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport 

Do please check in with us here on the forums and let us know how you're going when you feel up to it.

Carrying another person's pain

Paw Prints — Thu, 05 Mar 2020 10:20:51 GMT

Dear Moon,

I'm still sitting with you in spirit lass....

No words... just the gentlest of hugs....

Love

Paws

Carrying another person's pain

Moonstruck — Fri, 06 Mar 2020 00:44:58 GMT

thank you. I have an appt with psych/counsellor very soon, but not a clue what to say. Feel a bit groggy and shaky actually....stay up as late as I can at night...(the only time the world does not intrude) before the day begins with all its noise, light, people, hurriedness, clocks ticking the day away, heat, cars, machinery, TV, blaring ads.....and the mayhem that we live in now in this society.

thats why I love the darkness and quiet of the night...hence my shortage of sleep! I don't know where to begin talking to this lady this morning ....what will I say? I am so exhausted. Yet I haven't done anything particularly physical to bring it on....exercise, or hard physical work or heavy housework etc.......so why the exhaustion?

I hope I this morning does not prove a waste of time........its a long story and I don't know where to begin.