topic Singles Support on BB in Staying well

Singles Support on BB

smallwolf — Sat, 04 May 2019 01:03:04 GMT

Hi,

This might seem like a odd thread for me to create but... In my time here at beyond blue, I have come upon a number of users who have reported about the loneliness of being single, never having a girl friend, never will find a partner, not being in a relationship etc. Many users put there stories in new threads each day, so existing users might not be able to find these other users and therefore might not be able to lend a hand of support. Some users might feel they are the only ones to experience this problem. So to help (?) users with similar problems I thought a thread where users, male or female, might eb able to support each other, and create connections even if in a virtual space. I hope you will find this space helpful...

Tim

Singles Support on BB

Azzdog — Sat, 04 May 2019 01:51:30 GMT

Hey Tim,

This is a really cool idea. Why didn’t I think of it? Haha I hope this can become a place where likeminded people can share their difficulties and we can all support one another to find greater meaning in our lives.

I know I feel alone on this issue in my own life and I only really know HamSolo on this forum. So I hope his encourages more to speak out and feel less alone on this issue.

Singles Support on BB

smallwolf — Sun, 05 May 2019 02:32:07 GMT

Hi Aaron,

Welcome. I posted on a couple of other users threads, including Mitch's. I also sent you a link to another user in a similar position to you. It might take a little while for this thread to take off. We will see what happens...

Singles Support on BB

Azzdog — Sun, 05 May 2019 02:42:31 GMT

Hey Tim,

I hope this does take off eventually. It will be really beneficial to a lot of people I think.

Singles Support on BB

Beth_co — Sun, 05 May 2019 03:31:48 GMT

Hi Smallwolf and everyone. Being on my own can be conflicting. Comforting hugs would be nice when life hurts, another opinion when making difficult decisions and help around the yard would be great. But I don't miss arguments, having to explain my depressive moods or disinterest in venturing out socially.

Having been in several abusive situations, I'd rather be alone than deal with confrontations or torment. I know there's good people out there, but it's me I don't trust. Habitual responses and beliefs I've created because of these relationships make me a bad risk. (I carry a lot of hurt)

Yes, I've changed a lot over the years through recovery, but stepping out of my comfort zone has too much fear associated with it. So, I stay single.

I don't have an aversion to opposite sex friendships mind you, but that's about it.

I think this is a great idea Tim. 🤜🤛

Singles Support on BB

Azzdog — Sun, 05 May 2019 04:17:13 GMT

Hey Beth,

Thanks for contributing here and I am sorry to hear about what you have experienced. I do think it is important for people like myself to understand the difficulty that being in a relationship can bring. A lot of them can be very toxic but it is not something you read or hear about that much, particularly on social media.

Singles Support on BB

smallwolf — Sun, 05 May 2019 05:12:57 GMT

Aaron,

When it comes to relationships at whatever level people are conscious of how they project themselves. Part of this might be due to them not knowing how you might react or do with information that is personal or confidential. Trust needs to exist before someone might feel comfortable in saying something to you.

You might be the most trustworthy person in a group. When someone new comes along, they won't know you. In fact their interpretation of you would likely be based on their previous experiences. If someone has continually had their trust betrayed, they might think that about you.

Of course some environments lend themselves to authenticate conversations, and others don't.

Singles Support on BB

Azzdog — Sun, 05 May 2019 05:47:57 GMT

Hey Tim,

That does make sense, I actually have the same problem with others. I don't tend to trust others because I have had my trust betrayed a lot in the past. So I tend not to open up that much because I have dealt with toxic people who care only for themselves.

Which is why I think mental health groups, particularly peer related ones, as so amazing in that you could have had all these experiences and yet you wont have any judgement when you enter those kinds of spaces. It really is quite amazing actually.

Singles Support on BB

Billyc — Sun, 05 May 2019 09:06:56 GMT

Just so I’m clear, this is not a dating site?

Joking... great idea, I’ve read a lot of lonely singles and it’s a safe place to “mingle”..,

Singles Support on BB

Jojo100 — Sun, 05 May 2019 09:26:18 GMT

Hi everyone

Tim I think this thread is a really good idea as it can be quite lonely without a partner. I have a few close friends for which I am extremely grateful, but without them I would be totally lost. However some people are isolated without anyone close to them. I think this thread could become a very relevant place to share and support each other.

Jojo

Singles Support on BB

Azzdog — Sun, 05 May 2019 09:57:25 GMT

Hey Tim,

Yeah I know what you mean. I have also been in that position as well. I find it hard to trust others and therefore I don't often share anything. I dealt with some toxic friends in the past which makes it harder for me to trust people.

Singles Support on BB

smallwolf — Sun, 05 May 2019 11:25:09 GMT

@Billyc - I know you were joking but just in case anyone else has that thought this ain't a dating thread. In a similar situation to when I first went to the GP to talk about mental health issues, I thought I was alone, until I came here. In a similar manner while here I have come upon stories where the poster mentions issues with being single, and they might think they are alone. I hope this thread might help users see they are not alone, chat with other users in a similar position who understand what it is like and overall support each other in whatever form that takes.

@Aaron - the next question might be how to change our trust issues?

Thank you to all those who have responded so far.

Singles Support on BB

Billyc — Sun, 05 May 2019 21:11:40 GMT

Yes definitely joking, I get the nature of your intentions with this thread and it’s a beautiful one.. well done!

Singles Support on BB

Azzdog — Mon, 06 May 2019 00:04:23 GMT

Hey Tim,

I’m not quite sure how to do that. I tend to be more open these days as my social skills have improved. But I can’t think of anything beyond that.

I’ve really slipped badly again on this issue of never having a girlfriend. Even my psychologist is entertaining the notion now that it probably won’t happen either which is why I’m going to change therapists.

Singles Support on BB

monkey_magic — Mon, 06 May 2019 11:56:06 GMT

Hi all,

I'd like to join this thread as I'm currently single and open to the mingle.

I'm a female mid 30's. The hardest part i find is getting over emotions. When i had a partner he'd hug them out of me. Human contact is what i miss the most. In saying that i do get that from time to time.

Been thinking bout joining a dating site..soonish..

That's all for now

Singles Support on BB

Anon_777 — Mon, 06 May 2019 12:00:57 GMT

I think this is a thoughtful thread. There are a lot of people dealing with their own single life.

Like a few people here, I've had my trust broken. I find that one of the hardest things with single loneliness is not the fact that I feel like I'll be alone forever, because I don't think I will be, it's simply getting through life being single right now. Right now I feel like I'm in this place of constantly spending time alone and I don't know how to be okay with where I am right now. I know this is just one part of life that one day I will be able to look back on, but right now I have to live a part of my life that I don't like at all. If that makes sense? I kind of just feel like I'm stuck in a slow, lonely part of my life that I painfully have to go through each day.

Singles Support on BB

smallwolf — Mon, 06 May 2019 12:17:00 GMT

Aaron,

It must be frustrating for you to be on that loop of the not having a girl friend. But also recognise how far you have come? And there is answer of a sort at the end of this post...

When I started to see my psychologist, my emotional vocab as somewhat limited. I would eventually find a thing called a feeling wheel that broke down general feelings like anger or fear into more specific words like critical, hate, etc.

From there I can go to google and search for something like "psychology" and the issue I want to "research" or find out about in myself. (I know you are studying, and would know how to search the Internet, and recognise a good site vs a bad site and about checking the author of a article is legit.) One site that I think are OK is psychologytoday.com.

Also because of the type of person I am, I will write down the main problem, and what are the barriers that would prevent me from reaching the solution. Each of these barriers could be seen as a (smaller?) problem in itself to solve.

Then I can back track my way from the bottom to the top once there are no more barriers. Of course, new ones might pop up to be resolved.

Not sure if any of this helped, but we have to start somewhere.

Tim

Singles Support on BB

smallwolf — Mon, 06 May 2019 12:21:14 GMT

Hi Monkey,

Welcome. No need to ask. Though if I can ask one question...

Could you please elaborate on this statement - "The hardest part i find is getting over emotions"?

On dating sites, some of the other users would have to respond. I have little knowledge in that area.

Tim

Singles Support on BB

monkey_magic — Mon, 06 May 2019 12:26:44 GMT

Tim,

Im often crying on the inside and a hug is the best release. Being single i don't wrap my arms around someone and get that emotional release enough.

Singles Support on BB

smallwolf — Mon, 06 May 2019 12:28:31 GMT

Hi Anon,

That is quite an insightful post you have written. Purely in relation to my own issues I know there is nothing I can do about past events, yet they manage to hold us back. Something easier said than done is...

Leave your past betrayals behind. Resist the urge to dwell on those who have wronged you, and refuse to let these experiences get in the way of fostering healthy relationships now.

And part of the answer is to reframe what has happened, to look at negative situations from another angle, and that my might not have been our fault. And remember that we are not 100% perfect.

And that a good relationship like a plant take time to grow and mature. Watered and fed. And it takes time.

Tim