topic Don't look back in Staying well

Don't look back

HA1 — Wed, 20 Aug 2014 13:21:07 GMT

Hi everyone!

Six months ago, soon after a after a career crisis, my wife convinced me to go to the GP - she knew all was not well. I did also, but was more focused on my need to go away that day to be alone and think things through. However, we went to the GP and I ended up in hospital for the next four nights. In hindsight, possibly the best decision I/we have made. Also my previously unspoken feelings of sadness were now out in the open. Maybe my loved ones now better understood the cause of everything they had put up with over a long period of time - I hope so.

I have always been a loner – perhaps partially due to being target of bullying as a young boy. Withdrawing socially equated to self-preservation. As an adult, I remained that way with few friends of my own, and certainly none that I could talk to about how I was feeling, let alone meeting for a coffee and sharing a joke. While people around me saw me as the ‘strong and silent type’, it was far from the truth. Appearing strong, calm and collected was (I think now) a self-defence mechanism. I did not want anyone to get too close to me – always on my guard, never trusting people, always looking for anonymity. In more recent years I also started to self-medicate with alcohol.

These days, every day is pretty much the same as the previous - lack of motivation and fatigue. Often I still need to be alone with my thoughts and going for long walks on the beach – sitting on a rock and contemplating what the future holds. Recovery is one step forward and two steps back. I had a couple of reasonably good weeks, but then ‘it’ started creeping in again. All the symptoms of a relapse were there. My medication has now been progressively increased to a point where, it is at its max.

On the whole, I am OK for now. I stopped drinking alcohol (6 months cold turkey) so that will help the meds to work better. My plan is to not look back, but to instead focus on the future. I am resigned to my fate of living with this illness probably for the rest of my life. Having resigned myself to that fate, makes life somewhat easier, but not necessarily any happier. Happiness will come with time and patience.

Later this week I will be off on a holiday for two weeks - an opportunity to chill out and learn a little bit more about my illness, the practice of Mindfulness, and reading the book Silence of the Mind.

Take care everyone,

Don't look back

Roachy — Thu, 21 Aug 2014 00:09:03 GMT

Hey AOK,

One of the most positive things you can do is talk about how you're feeling. Whether it's a release on here or with someone you trust, talking will at least allow you to get it off your chest. It's very easy to remain isolated. It's where a lot of us are or have been.

It's tough to think that there might be a long path ahead of you but at least you're aware tha you have to travel it. For many, that step is very challenging to become mindful of. As you say, you're ready to practice Mindfulness, too, which is fantastic. It's such a wonderful way to accept thoughts will enter your mind but that they don't have to remain.

I hope you have a wonderful time away and wish you the very best the road ahead. We're here for you, mate.

Don't look back

Snoman — Thu, 21 Aug 2014 02:12:25 GMT

AOK,

I am glad to hear you getting into Mindfulness. I there is anything that will keep my from the black pit, that will be it.

Like you, I have accepted that my black dog (who I named Luka) will always tag along. That doesn't mean Luka will bite me again or push me into the black pit. I know he is there and I will have to remain aware and vigilant.

Do not accept that you will have to suffer this illness for the rest of your life. Fight the dog into submission. You have more stamina that he does, he just tells you that you don't.

Enjoy your holiday.

Sno

Don't look back

HA1 — Thu, 21 Aug 2014 03:35:53 GMT

Thanks Roachy for your reply. Your words are much appreciated.

Yes I agree that talking about it is so important. I never did talk to anyone about anything that affected my health or well being, including GPs. For example, I have been prone to high blood pressure. Never consulted with GP - 'self medicated' with high level of fitness activities (gym, etc.) and it worked. I did not need support from anyone - I could deal with it!! I am now learning the hard way.

Yes looking forward to the first break since D day.

Cheers

Don't look back

HA1 — Thu, 21 Aug 2014 03:49:16 GMT

Thank you Sno - it's a good feeling to get replies!!

I am sensing that I will take to mindfulness practice like a duck to water. It does sound wonderful. Lots of opportunity to practice over next few weeks.

Naming the black dog sounds good - saves me calling it "it".

Look forward to talking more.

Regards

Don't look back

HA1 — Fri, 12 Sep 2014 11:05:06 GMT

Over the last few months my dosage of ADs have increased from low to maximum dosage. The psychiatrist advised that should there be no 'improvement' on the max dose, then alternatives will be explored(?).

I should have started the new dosage three weeks ago but have been unable to bring myself to do so- don't know why. Consequently, and contradictory to my psychiatrists 'direction' , I have stayed on a medium dose. But I have now decided to finally start the increased dose tomorrow morning. I am a bit anxious about this step and not sure of what to expect.

Not sure if this is a silly question, but what should I expect from this higher dose? How will my body and/or head react? The only significant change I experienced from previous increases was greater tiredness - a need to nap!

Does anyone have any insight on the side effects or changes that I might be expected to experience from going on a maximum dose of ADs?

take care,

Don't look back

purelight — Fri, 12 Sep 2014 12:37:55 GMT

Hi AOK, I am just now coming out of a horrible 3 months of depression and anxiety. I felt things would never improve even though I had experienced low times in the past.I had changed medications and saw minimal improvement. I was in constant conversation via text messaging with my psych as I had to wait a long time before I could see him. I went back to a psychologist to readdress CBT therapy.I have found out I may be vitamin deficient and have been for a while taking zinc, vit B, magnesium amongst other things.I had a hair analysis done and discovered that the copper levels in my system were high and zinc low. This is not a good combination for someone who is prone to depression or anxiety.But I have now slowly seen signs of real improvement. It seems so long since I have felt nearly "normal" So hang in there AOK because I waited a long time but there now appears to be light at the end of the tunnel. Like others have said, we understand the long lonely journey but also know that recovery can and will take place. Thinking of you x

Don't look back

HA1 — Fri, 12 Sep 2014 13:50:44 GMT

Hi Purelight

thank you for your reply and words of encouragement. Tomorrow will be interesting!

Saddened to hear that you have been going through such a difficult time - one thing after another it seems. But great news that things are starting to look good for you - well done!

I am starting to wonder what feeling 'normal' really means - how to judge whether I in fact feel better today than yesterday. Anyway, I will hang in there and see what happens.

Take care Purelight.

Don't look back

geoff — Fri, 12 Sep 2014 14:23:55 GMT

dear AOK, my psychologist who was also a GP wanted me to have blood tests to see the level of vit D, zinc etc, the same as what Purelight was asked to do, and again they were the same which were all the wrong combination.

From your higher dose is that you may feel tired until your body adjusts but then it should level out, and the effect of also feeling better won't be like clicking your fingers, so it won't happen immediately, but it shouldn't take too long.

Can I ask you why you were hesitant in delaying the higher dose. Geoff.

Don't look back

HA1 — Fri, 12 Sep 2014 15:08:29 GMT

Hi Geoff - thank you for replying.

I'm really not sure why I was hesitant, but perhaps a combination of issues.

1. A gut feel that I would feel worse with higher dose - not a good reason, I know.

2. Did not really trust the physiatrist and psychologist assessment of my state of health. They had both concurred that my dose should be increased - but did not really explain what they were aiming to achieve with increasing dose. In my recent sessions with them (which are quite frequent), I had explained only the symptoms I had been experiencing (tiredness, fatigue, wanting time alone, melancholy, etc).

3. I had other family commitments requiring me to travel and provide support and assistance to others. I did not want any side effects from increased dose that might have made me feel even worse, and thus affected my ability to provide the support that I need to give.

4. I went on a short getaway with my wife. She is my carer and badly needed a break from what has now become a new and unexpected daily routine for her. Again, I did not want to risk a higher dose of ADs changing me and thus potentially causing my wife more grief during this short holiday.

Sorry, a long winded answer to your straight forward question, I know. A lot going on.

Thanks for your interest Geoff.

take care

Don't look back

HA1 — Mon, 15 Sep 2014 23:20:19 GMT

just wondering whether anyone has experienced that a change in meds can eliminate or reduce the constant tiredness?

thanks,

Don't look back

HA1 — Wed, 17 Sep 2014 03:08:31 GMT

Hmm? Raised my earlier question re meds with psychiatrist. Advised that my tiredness is caused by my illness and not the meds. Ok, but it seems to be contrary to various posts in this forum! Might just monitor.

Also, I have noted that since I went onto max dose of meds my irritability ha increased. Again, another effect to monitor.

Have also found out that in addition to major depressive disorders, I also have OCD, and that very high probability that I have dysthymia.

Seem to be going from bad to worse!

Just venting!

Don't look back

Snoman — Wed, 17 Sep 2014 23:35:05 GMT

Hi AOK,

While on ADs, I went through a period of being quite "dopey". At least I felt that way. I may have just been doing more, but mentally just as bad as before. Was it the meds or just a stage of recovery? Will never know. I am still on those meds and not dopey anymore.

I know sleep is very important for me right now. If I don't get at least 8.5h of good sleep, I will go down a bit the next day. I will be tired and "floppy" as my wife calls it. I will struggle to concentrate. I truly don't think this is from the meds. I think my body/mind needs that sleep for the repair process.

So the psych thinks you have OCD and dysthymia. Please don't think of it as going from bad to worse. Just you going from unaware to aware. Now you are able to do something about it.

I don't have OCD, but I can't be sure I didn't start with dysthymia. That was my original self diagnosis.

For me, dysthymia and major depression isn't a permanent problem. I am recovering quite well. I have posted this elsewhere, but I strongly believe that the key to my mental health and wellbeing is in spirituality and mindfulness. I need to tend my inner Zen Garden and keep my black dog there where he cannot grow.

Sno

Don't look back

LoveSummer — Thu, 18 Sep 2014 00:43:46 GMT

Hi AOK

It took me years to find the right psychologist for me and I do think your gut instinct is really important. I called Macquarie uni anxiety clinic and got a recommendation for a psychologist in my area who specialises in anxiety.

When I read your update re the holiday and not wanting to increase meds, I totally got that. I always listen my gut instinct these days.

Not sure whether I've been of help. I'm not suggesting ditching your team but quietly looking at an alternate team. It's so important to trust your therapist! Xx

Don't look back

HA1 — Thu, 18 Sep 2014 04:31:07 GMT

Hi Snoman & LoveSummer

Snoman, I get what you are saying. And I am starting to think (hoping) that maybe the higher dose of meds are starting to work - today I feel almost normal in my head. Last time I felt like this I came crashing down the next day. Just need to learn more about how to stop thinking!! I too need my sleep, but still grappling with sleepless nights. I tend to have a nap early in morning after breakfast and coffee, then again in afternoon. Sometimes it works.

And, thanks, you are right of course. The additional diagnosis is more of a journey of discovery and learning rather than getting worse. By way of assisting recovery, I too have found a real interest (joy?) in discovering spirituality and how to be in a meditative mind. Currently reading Eckhart Tolle.

Really really glad that you are recovering well.

[By the way, my wife refers to me as 'confused'.]

Dear LoveSummer, good to see you posting & replying! Yes I have learnt to trust my gut instinct. As for the psychs, I have my good sessions with them and the not so good, the last one with psychiatrist this week was pretty good. I guess I am still learning how to get them most out of both psychiatrist and psychologist. Still get a sense that they are treating me with kid gloves (not my style). I am waiting to learn what they really think. I am still new to the meds (never ever took meds in my long life until now recently), so I will monitor this aspect. Still playing with idea of getting second opinion - we'll see. I will definitely, search for a more trusting GP (too bad the BB list does not include any in my area).

Thanks too both of you, you have both been helpful (gee, its nice to read a reply - gives you comfort.)

Take care

Don't look back

Snoman — Fri, 19 Sep 2014 00:21:47 GMT

AOK,

Very pleased to see you have found Eckhart Tolle. My sister in-law has recently done that too. Eckhart is doing some appearances around Australia and NZ, so my sister in-law has bought us tickets to see him.

Can I also recommend a book called Awareness by Anthony De Mello. Whenever I find someone discovering 'the path' (as I call it), I buy them Awareness.

For some fun, find a copy of Jonathan Livingston Seagull which is more of the same, but told as a story of a seagull. The author, Richard Bach also wrote a beautiful very short story called There's No Such Place As Far Away. I have seen in available in its (tiny) entirety online as a single web page.

Then there are the movies... But enough for now. You have much reading to do, and much to absorb.

Enjoy.

Sno

Don't look back

HA1 — Fri, 19 Sep 2014 00:35:34 GMT

Hey, thanks Sno!

i will definitely check out Thor books - (one of my small pleasures is to stroll through bookstores and libraries).

Concurrently with Tolle, I am also reading Silence your Mind by Ramesh Manocha. Interesting.

Don't look back

HA1 — Tue, 23 Sep 2014 06:26:05 GMT

After having recently retired, I made a conscious decision to reconnect with my father. Partly because at his age he needs more support, but mainly because we had never been close. We never had a falling out, but just did not have a father/son relationship (such as those one is led to believe exists in books, movies, etc, or what I saw other fathers and sons do).

So all was really good, we now talk for hours about anything, including life that has past us by. I discovered also that he is the only one I can talk openly about my illness; my thoughts, how I am dealing with it, what the psych’s say, what the GP says. I feel good about that – makes life just that little bit more complete. He has cast no judgment, is interested, and offers plain simple advice.

This morning I take him for usual appointment with GP – we were told that his kidneys are not good (he is also a diabetic – so its all related). GP thought I should prepare him and myself for him being much worse soon. I felt numb with something, fear, chock, I don’t know. Why now, after all these years, we are just reconnecting and enjoying each others company. Inwardly I was panicking, but outwardly I could not show any emotion - why?? I did not want him to see that I was panicking, maybe. Maybe it is that damned mask that I have been carrying around. I know I would feel better if I was the type to be able to show how sad I really feel. I guess this forum is my way of letting ‘it all out’.

Came home and reminded myself of the Serenity Prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, …….. “. True, but I can make the most of the present.

Don't look back

Snoman — Wed, 24 Sep 2014 00:20:04 GMT

AOK,

As my dad's health deteriorated, I was the one who had to be strong for him, my mum, and my two sisters. Then as mum's health deteriorated, I had to be strong for them again. Throughout, I didn't let out any of my emotions. Everything was buried.

While I am glad I could be there for my family when they needed me, I now know I needed to release that emotion somewhere during that time.

Perhaps for you, you can be strong for your dad, and vent here, or do some mindful meditation to allow the strong emotions to be.

Glad you are connecting with him.

Sno

Don't look back

HA1 — Sat, 27 Sep 2014 22:41:36 GMT

How to deal with 'pressure'?

One of the effects of my illness, is that I can't seem to deal with pressure - of any sort. I don't respond well to it anymore (while working I thrived on pressure - or so I thought). Yes, eventually I get all of the 'pressure' things done, but my initial reaction is often along the lines of: 'Nooo! That was not on in my plan for today. I don't want to!' For example, when my partner tells me everything she has planned for today, including (panic!) social interaction. I don't express anything out aloud, but it is what I feel.

So consistent with my strategy for "caring for my well partner" (separate thread by WK), I suck it up and eventually get around to do all those things on my 'pressure' list. But oh boy, do I feel exhausted just thinking about it! Just compounds the extreme tiredness I generally carry around (.... And maybe that comes from dragging that large black dog around every day!).

Does anyone else share these feelings of not dealing well with pressure & how do you deal with it?

take care