topic Making friends when vulnerable in Staying well

Making friends when vulnerable

Guest_1643 — Sun, 16 Feb 2020 09:56:42 GMT

Hi all, I'm building myself up after I was unwell recently and was linked in t the Triage, who helped me manage some severe depression/anxiety/suicdal ideation. I'm lucky it's gone well for me, but am now looking to connect more to new people and organisations. I am starting to meet people, but they are now in recovery groups etc and have their own mental health problems - i'm wary although also curious, if maybe they could be real friends for me. I'm also just enjoying being out and about with people. My feeling was alwys that i'd rather be alone than be with toxic friends who don't support my mental health, and when i was very low i feel like my friends gave awful advice, and even discouraged me from taking the time off to get better and get well. So, screw that. But finding friends who can be there for me seems really challenging. How do you connect to people when you feel really vulnerable?

Making friends when vulnerable

Peppermintbach — Sun, 16 Feb 2020 23:16:13 GMT

Hi Sleepy21,

I think it’s fantastic, really admirable, that you’re trying to build yourself up again. That you’re trying to make meaningful connections through new friendships in the offline realm 🙂

I think people in those aforementioned groups can be an excellent source of empathy & understanding when it comes to mental health issues. They have that firsthand experience, so they “get it” to a large degree...

That being said, I also hear your reservations about growing too close to them, & how you question whether a friendship with them is feasible and/or sustainable.

This is only my opinion, but I feel a friendship formed in those circumstances can be sustainable & very rewarding if your conversations and emotional bonding isn’t only/always about your mental health struggles.

Yes, I think it’s important to be able to talk about those struggles. But I think it’s also important to be able to talk about other things too...to have a certain versatility.

So maybe reflecting on the versatility and openness of those friendships might help. E.g. thinking about whether you also discuss your daily lives/interests/ passions/etc, & if not, whether there is potential to do so? Or do you feel you can only relate to those people about your mental health issues?

I’m not asking you to necessarily answer me, but I’m just giving you ideas that you might like to think about in your own time...and only if you want, no pressure of course...

In terms of forming entirely new connections/friendships, I would again gently suggest it’s a combination of being vulnerable/open about your mental health struggles, but also having the capacity to talk about other things as well.

I mean, we are not just our mental illness. Yes, that is part of who we are, but we might also love writing or reading or drawing, or be passionate about climate change or homelessness (for example).

I suppose what I’m trying to suggest is maybe one way of forming meaningful new friendships is to let people see a “fuller picture” of who you are...that richness and depth...and in turn, giving space for them to also show you their own richness & depth.

I’ve found that when I do that in the offline world, the right people will respond in kind...granted, it can time time & trial and error to find those people, but they’re out there....

I hope this helps a little.

kindness and care,

Pepper

Making friends when vulnerable

Hanna3 — Mon, 17 Feb 2020 02:24:56 GMT

Hi Sleepy,

I think the best way is to find people who share a common interest. You've talked to me on my thread about books so you're obviously a good reader - what about a book club? You might not make friends straight away, but you will be mixing with people who share your interest in reading, and that's company for you in the group. Any other interests you have that you might be able to join an interest group or club or hobby group?

Your mental health group has given you a certain amount of support, maybe now try to find people just to talk to and share any hobbies and interests you have. I'm not sure of your age or where you live, but it's been my experience that sharing interests and hobbies is the best way of meeting like-minded people.

Good luck! I'm reading the writer you suggested on my thread - Cusk I think her name is. Thanks for that - I did put a reply to you on my thread. All the best!

Making friends when vulnerable

Guest_4643 — Mon, 17 Feb 2020 05:15:25 GMT

Hey Sleepy21. We've spoken before, interesting that I found your thread.

I'm sorry to hear about that, but I'm glad that the triage helped you. I understand how you feel about being vulnerable and having no friends, I'm the same.

As you know, you're always welcome on the forums. It was a good idea that Hanna suggested about a Book Club; you could post something like that or share your other interests (movies, etc) to see what people like, then you might find people who like the same or similar things as you, then you can start chatting with them on here? Or if you have Facebook you can look for groups for things such as bands you like, then you can do the same with people all around the world of all different ages, if that's your thing, entirely up to you.

SANE also have some Forums like this I was told (I need to check that out myself), and you have Lifeline, Black Dog Institute, and many more websites like that, even if you just need to read some things such as advice and suggestions on how to cope.

I'm always here if you'd like to chat, I relate to how you're feeling, except I was referred to my local triage by my Psychiatrist (which was a misunderstanding and a miscommunication which I'll explain to him), but I never went because everyone on the phone was so rude to me and they just said they admit people. I'm so glad you had the opposite and they actually helped you though, that's good to hear.

I hope you're well, take care of yourself and be safe. Nice suggestions that Hanna and Pepper recommended for you.

Love and hugs,

Tayla x

Making friends when vulnerable

Guest_1643 — Tue, 18 Feb 2020 05:12:36 GMT

Hi Pepper, thank you for all the excellent ideas and considerations. You have really given me a lot to think about. I find it very hard to manage friendships and have fears they will become intense and I won't be able to stop it. I find I have met some nice people in recovery groups etc, but I was burned and it was exactly the issue reltaed to what you said. All we had in common was anxiety. Thank you for the compliments!! Showing the fuller picture seems like the only way to have meaningful relationships...

Making friends when vulnerable

Guest_1643 — Tue, 18 Feb 2020 05:22:26 GMT

Hi Hanna - thank you for your post and for your support. It's amazing to hear from you and to get feedback. I love that I can post here and that people are open and warm in their responses, as you have been. Rachel Cusk is great! Hope you go well with Transit, I read most of it! She's brilliant. I do get a lot of support from the groups. I think it would be really positive to connect over reading or movies or something, as well. I met someone recently in the groups and we talked a lot of about shows and politics. I really need those people to just chat about randomness with, which makes me feel more human.

Making friends when vulnerable

Guest_1643 — Tue, 18 Feb 2020 05:34:44 GMT

Hi Tayla - you're very kind. Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate it and felt very supported. I have tried some of those things but not all. Thanks I do feel happy I got support when I needed it and intervention. I met some people along the way so it's interesting to be around people, which I hadn't been for a while, as I was so down. I know you had been waiting for today. I want to let you know that whatever happened, we're here for you and always love to chat.

Making friends when vulnerable

Peppermintbach — Tue, 18 Feb 2020 20:53:04 GMT

Hi Sleepy (& a wave to all here),

You’re most welcome, & I’m glad some of my comments resonated & helped you reflect. Thank you very much for your kind words 🙂

I feel for your struggles & concerns, & I agree that it can be challenging to sustain a long-term friendship if you share limited common ground.

I agree that people who are a good fit, so to speak, for you will resonate with a “fuller picture” of you. Will accept the different parts of you...your mental health struggles, your pain & your joy, your troubles & successes, your interests & passions, your quirks, etc...seeing you in your multitudes, as you would also see them.

I think it just might take some time to find them, that’s all. It’s possible that you might need to meet lots of people. Test the waters with different people, & maybe even feel disappointed (at times). Trial & error.

But if you find some genuine connections in the end or along the way, I think it’s so worth it 🙂

Kindness & care,

Pepper

Making friends when vulnerable

Guest_1643 — Wed, 19 Feb 2020 08:44:04 GMT

Hi Peppermint, i definitely resonate with what your saying. Thanks for giving a realisitic outlook - it does take a while to make friends, but it happens. I have made a new friend, which is nice 🙂 I have been able to discuss this in therapy too and let go of a lot of my fears and anxieties. There's no real other way, other than what you said, trial and error. We don't know how these friendships will unfold... that is, until we try..... 🙂

Making friends when vulnerable

Peppermintbach — Wed, 19 Feb 2020 21:51:50 GMT

Hi Sleepy (& a wave to all the lovely people here),

I’m very happy that you’ve made a new friend 🙂 That is wonderful news!

I think you’re doing very well. You’re putting yourself out there & taking a chance on people to try to build real connections.

I think it’s particularly admirable that, despite your traumas, fears & anxieties, you’re trying so hard to make those connections/friendships.

I believe there’s beauty & strength in trying. In effort. Well done 🙂

Kindness and care,

Pepper

Making friends when vulnerable

Guest_1643 — Thu, 20 Feb 2020 08:53:45 GMT

My new friend and i went out for a meal and it was nice. I wander what will happen, it's so hard for me to tell the full truth these days. But we met at a recovery group so I obviously have my story. He's nice. I previously thought I made a friend in recovery but we had so little in common, and there was a neediness issue, the friendship became like all encompassing, with that person contacting me again and again daily with dozens of texts.

Making friends when vulnerable

Peppermintbach — Thu, 20 Feb 2020 23:42:50 GMT

Hi Sleepy (& a wave to all),

Yes, I think it’s always a bit of a gamble. I agree it’s hard to say how a friendship will progress over time. But it sounds like you’re off to a good start with your new friend though 🙂

I understand sometimes excessive contact can be draining. That is understandable and valid. I know it can take its toll...

If neediness is a concern, I would gently suggest maybe trying to understand your own boundaries and any potential new friends’ boundaries too. I think it helps to remember that we all have different needs and different boundaries, & we don’t always know what they are till we talk about it...

For example, different people require varying amounts of regular contact & validation. So I think the important part is ongoing mutual communication, so you and your new friends can mutually understand your respective boundaries and negotiate your needs.

That as my opinion at least 😉

Kindness and care,

Pepper

Making friends when vulnerable

Guest_1643 — Sun, 23 Feb 2020 04:27:17 GMT

Hi Pepper,

You're a great support, thank you for being here and sharing your insights. It's always great to hear and get that input. Part of the problem before was that my friendship with that woman was so text-based. She never called me or saw me. I guess I've learnt that my boundaries are around having friendships start slowly and gradually, and include a lot of face-to-face contact or phone calls, or at least some. I don't want to seem judgemental of her. I think she took on the role of being "higher importance" in the friendship, always seeking support and needing me to be her main friend. The problem was I stopped recognising how important I was, particularly as I was in recovery myself, and had been suicidal not that long ago. That's why these boundaries matter so much.

Making friends when vulnerable

Peppermintbach — Tue, 25 Feb 2020 22:53:10 GMT

Hi Sleepy (& a wave to all),

Thank you so much for the lovely words 🙂 I also appreciate how you’re sharing a bit more about your past friendship struggles.

I think it’s empowering that you’re now aware of your own boundaries. Well done on your self awareness & growing assertiveness. I can empathise with you...

In the offline realm, I also personally value face-to-face time with friends, or in any other relationship. Texts are nice & can be okay in certain contexts, but I agree that it can never truly replace or substitute actually spending time with someone in person...

I feel it’s a huge step that you’re recognising how important it is to not lose yourself in a relationship, such as friendships. Your needs, boundaries & feelings matter too.

kindness & care,

Pepper

Making friends when vulnerable

Guest_4643 — Mon, 02 Mar 2020 04:04:57 GMT

Hey Sleepy21, and everyone else.

Thank you for your kind words, I'm always here for you and everybody else on the forums too. I had a break and it's nice to come back to polite words especially when I'm having a hard time and stressed, so thank you.

I hope you and everyone else here is well, take care all.

Love and hugs all around,

Tayla x

Making friends when vulnerable

Guest_1643 — Tue, 10 Mar 2020 05:14:15 GMT

hey all - welcome back Tayla. You're very appreciated here. Is it nice to be back here?

sorry you were having a hard time. It shows the value of polite words, you never know if someone really needs them and I guess we should all try do that here.

Feeling a bit lonely at the moment. But pushing on

Making friends when vulnerable

Guest_1643 — Tue, 10 Mar 2020 05:40:20 GMT

today i'm really needing a break.... chasing my tail and don't feel like i have clear support to get through each moment. I have to go to therapy less because of $$$ and I'm resentful of it. The friend that I made wasn't such a nice person... but boundaries are in place now as he was unfortuantely wanting more to be friends with me than I was with him. I want to have new friends as I grow and change but my experience in these recovery places is that it is hard to make friends and keep them there... people have a lot going on and are looking for different things from a friendship. Someone who's been through the same recently used the phrase - "trauma bonding." Oh dear. Not exactly what i am looking for

Making friends when vulnerable

Peppermintbach — Wed, 11 Mar 2020 06:31:17 GMT

Hi Sleepy (& a wave to all),

It really does sound as though you’re struggling, & feeling discouraged & frustrated lately.

Sadly, yes, finances is often a consideration when it comes to professional mental health support. It’s a sad reality, & I really feel for you...

I have heard of trauma bonding. I know those types of bonds can feel very addictive, but are ultimately toxic & unhealthy relationships when it comes down to it.

I think it’s good that you’re assessing your current friendships, & respecting your own needs and boundaries. It may just take some time to find your people...

Kindness and care,

Pepper

Making friends when vulnerable

Guest_1643 — Thu, 12 Mar 2020 02:23:24 GMT

Hi Pepper,

I have had a hard few days but reached out for help and felt tremendous relief.
Trauma bonding was mentioned today by one of Harvey Weinstein's victims. I wander if it is a technical term. Do you think it has that element of addiction?

I'm quite past the stage of feeling addicted to that bond type, but I feel sad and frusdtrated meeting so many who are in different ways trying to manipulate my health and attempts at healing, and bring me down. When I had met this man he enjoyed unloading everything at me and losing his temper in this ery unchecked way that terrified me. So I have spoken it through with a professional now and very a bit better. But people will always use and abuse I guess it's how you navigate and find your tribe. I haven't found my people yet. I am hoping to try a GRow Group next week, and the Traige man recommended other neutral grounds outside of recovery centres, like going to a musesum or public places to just be around people.

Making friends when vulnerable

Guest_4643 — Sat, 14 Mar 2020 02:10:28 GMT

Hi Sleepy, and others here.

How are you, Sleepy? I've been thinking of you. I'm so sorry you're struggling, I wish I could do something and take your pain away, but I hope I can support you and everyone else on the forums as much as I can, I try my best.

Take care.

Tayla