topic Merry and Bright or Bah Humbug, how do you feel about the holidays? in Staying well

Merry and Bright or Bah Humbug, how do you feel about the holidays?

Summer Rose — Sun, 25 Nov 2018 07:24:19 GMT

As the old saying goes, Christmas comes but once a year, and judging by my trip to the mall today it has well and truly arrived. Crowds of shoppers, bustling about, looking for the perfect gift. Not all of us here on the forum celebrate Christmas but I doubt than any of us can ignore it.

The advertisers tell us this is the best time of the year. A chance to enjoy the good things in life, spend time with the family and generally eat, drink and be merry. But this simply isn't the case for everyone. The holiday and its associated activities (e.g. shopping, cooking, travelling, etc) triggers stress, sadness and depression for a lot of people. I'm one of them.

Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, kids and Australian family and friends and I will no doubt enjoy the holidays. But for me, Christmas is always tinged with a hefty dose of sadness, which I carry inside and try to hide. This is because my mum, my sister and her family and all of my extended family live overseas. I've lived in Australia for some 30 years and you'd think I'd be used to this by now but I'm not.

So, I'm wondering how Christmas affects you? Are you looking forward to the holiday, feeling stressed or feeling left out because it's not something you participate in? What are your strategies for protecting your mental health this festive season?

Merry and Bright or Bah Humbug, how do you feel about the holidays?

asdff — Mon, 26 Nov 2018 08:03:52 GMT

Christmas is good for me. My mother gets overwhelmed with all the preperations. My Mother in Law gets stressed with the cooking. I don't like seeing a large crowd. This year it is less crowds. Yah! I driving to two places. If I was working my kids would be getting more but we are a one income family, so cut back a bit.

Merry and Bright or Bah Humbug, how do you feel about the holidays?

Summer Rose — Mon, 26 Nov 2018 11:01:29 GMT

Hi asdff

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I can certainly relate to all of them!

I think for women Christmas can be particularly overwhelming, as the cooking and preparations in large part fall on our shoulders (I know this isn't always the case and I'd love to hear about stories where it's the reverse) and in many cases we're already tired from work and looking after children. One of the ways I manage this when I'm hosting Christmas lunch--usually for about 25 people--is to plan the menu in advance and ask each family member to bring a dish. As my children have grown, I've also engaged them as "elves" to help with the wrapping.

I dread the crowds at the large shopping centres. I find it noisy and overwhelming, so I cope by getting as much done early in November as possible and by arriving at the shops early. I'm also happy to make multiple trips to the shopping centres to reduce my crowd exposure times.

I'm sorry to hear that money is tight this year but I believe it possible to make a magical Christmas for your children without all the expensive toys and gifts. Kids just really want to spend time with mum and dad. I used to bake with my children in the lead up to Christmas and then we would use the cakes and cookies as gifts. You can also give "service gifts" to each other --coupons for an extra bedtime story, a foot massage, a trip to the beach or a family day at a favourite park. This way the children get something really special, your focused time and attention.

Another idea is to save money on the tree decorations by making your own instead. You will create happy memories and life time keepsakes by stringing the popcorn, painting decorations out of cardboard and using cotton wool for snow to decorate your tree. You can also buy some butcher's paper and let the kids paint and colour it, creating your own gift wrap. Again you get to spend time together whilst helping the family budget.

I really hope it is merry and bright this year for you and your family

Merry and Bright or Bah Humbug, how do you feel about the holidays?

16sundayz — Mon, 26 Nov 2018 11:10:27 GMT

I really dislike Christmas because for me I feel like I have to be all fake happy and smiley when inside I'm an anxious, depressed mess and it's also a time when my psychologist is away for 6 weeks, so I know exactly how you feel.

Merry and Bright or Bah Humbug, how do you feel about the holidays?

Summer Rose — Mon, 26 Nov 2018 21:01:15 GMT

Hi 16sundayz

Your post really touched my heart. In just one sentence you powerfully explained why Christmas can be such a difficult time for people with mental health conditions.

I think the lack of professional support over the holiday period is a critical issue for many people. I'd like to encourage you to ask your psychologist where you can turn for support in his/her absence over the holidays and make a solid plan of what you're going to do in a difficult period or crisis. It could also help to make use of various help lines and this forum to help get you through it.

I think it goes without saying that this is a time to practice a lot of self-care. Get plenty of exercise, practise mindfulness and eat well. Avoid alcohol. And do whatever you can to distract yourself from the holiday, read, see movies and spend time in nature. The beach is a great place for escape.

The pressure to be happy is intense over the holidays, so I understand why you feel you have to fake it. I think we all need to give ourselves permission to say "no" (and not just at Christmas). I think it's okay to scale down your Christmas activities by being honest with family and friends and just saying, "I'm not up to it this year" or "I'm not well".

But I wonder what you and others think. Is it better or worse for our mental health to be honest with family and friends about the sharpened impact of mental health conditions at Christmas or even go one step further and opt out of Christmas events and spend time alone?

Merry and Bright or Bah Humbug, how do you feel about the holidays?

asdff — Thu, 29 Nov 2018 08:22:21 GMT

Absolutely I hate the fakeness. Yes, we are all okay. Inside I am screaming. My psychologist schedules at appointment for me before the school holidays. Then I usually have to wait till after that as I have school aged children. However, I had to take them once this year. I might try and do that over the school holidays. There is a room for them to sit and play in.

Merry and Bright or Bah Humbug, how do you feel about the holidays?

Summer Rose — Thu, 29 Nov 2018 22:24:00 GMT

Hi asdff

I read a newspaper article the other day that says Christmas is now considered one of the six most stressful life events (right up there with divorce, moving house and changing jobs). I think we know why and the "fakeness" is a big part of it.

Just yesterday my son was expressing great reluctance to attend our big family gathering at his Aunt's house for this very reason. I gave him permission to opt out and spend the afternoon with his girlfriend (her family is overseas). Not sure yet what they will do and dreading the drama to come when his grandmother finds out!! How has one of our most cherished events been turned so pear shaped?

I'm really pleased to hear you can take your children along to an appointment over the school holidays. I've never heard of that but it makes good sense. Otherwise it would be a very long time without proper care and support. I'm really sorry, though, to hear that you are screaming on the inside. I fear that this state is very common at this time of year. Please know that you are not alone and you are welcome to talk about it on this thread or to start your own.

Kind thoughts to you

Merry and Bright or Bah Humbug, how do you feel about the holidays?

Quercus — Thu, 29 Nov 2018 23:40:25 GMT

Hi Summer Rose (and a wave to asdff and 16sundayz).

Such a valuable discussion. It will be great to have a space like this over the Christmas season. Thank you.

Like many I feel this time of year tears me in two. I am unable to satisfy anyone. If I'm not careful thoughts of failure, inadequacy and worthlessness grow stronger and I go further downhill .

The pull in one direction of my own little family (and my desire to stay home seeing as hubby is working anyway) and the expectation to travel for the extended family gathering. Anything I do lets someone down.

Then there is finances. Christmas is a bad time for us. I've had to learn to accept we don't have money for gifts and often people say the right things but their disappointment is clear. One year we donated to the Salvos who gave us cards to explain what the money goes towards. I felt good about this... Until the underwhelming response from loved ones.

It has taken time for me to learn it isn't my responsibility to try please everyone. Effort goes both ways.

Above all my focus is on my kids. Teaching them there is more to Christmas then gifts and junk food.

Nat

Merry and Bright or Bah Humbug, how do you feel about the holidays?

kanga_brumby — Fri, 30 Nov 2018 02:55:30 GMT

Well Summer Rose after the events of the past few years I can now say I am a 'bar humbug ' person I did the Santa stuff avoided the ones who I would fight with in the name of nice ness. Only to be some time later to be slapped down by those who I did not fight with

Kanga

Merry and Bright or Bah Humbug, how do you feel about the holidays?

Summer Rose — Fri, 30 Nov 2018 06:31:31 GMT

Hi Quercus

Thanks for your kind support for this thread and welcome aboard.

I understand completely how you feel that you are "unable to satisfy anyone". I think it's often a case of a lot of competing, legitimate needs clashing at once, so no matter what we do we feel like we just can't win. And the pressure to have a "wonderful", "merry" Christmas just makes it worse, exacerbating our feelings of failure when we can't make everyone happy. I've learned to do the best I can and let the rest go. Your reminder that "effort goes both ways" is really helpful. Thank you.

I think your focus on teaching your children the meaning of Christmas is spot on. In our house I try to focus our family (husband and two kids) on spending time with the people we really care about. Curiously this isn't always family, but rather good friends.

Our Christmas Eve is spent with our best friends and their children. A no stress BBQ in the backyard. And we always catch up with other good friends on the weekends in the lead up to the big day. We don't exchange gifts, just share food, drink and laughter. I think I do this because my family is in Canada, so our friends have become "my" adopted family if that makes sense.

Sorry to hear about the underwhelming response you got to your Salvo gift idea. I thought that was brilliant! Do you think you get agreement to a no gift rule? Or maybe set an agreed reasonable limit for gift giving?

Kind thoughts to you

Merry and Bright or Bah Humbug, how do you feel about the holidays?

quirkywords — Fri, 30 Nov 2018 07:18:22 GMT

Hello everyone,

Summer Rose what a timely thread.

it must be sad being so far from your family at this time,

I am from a different culture so Christmas does not have much meaning for me but I do get confused when this time of year makes many people so sad and angry and it should be a very happy and friendly time.

All the pressure to have gifts and expensive food and give presents to people who one hardly knows.

How there are so many people homeless and there are so many excesses like Christmas decorations and expensive presents that people don’t want and will return.

I have my own festival a bit before Christmas but I do feel isolated from everyone else and people can’t believe I don’t celebrate Christmas.

Quirky

Merry and Bright or Bah Humbug, how do you feel about the holidays?

Summer Rose — Fri, 30 Nov 2018 08:02:56 GMT

Hi Kanga

Thanks for sharing your recent experience. I am so sorry that you have been badly disappointed by people you care about. You did the right thing and can hold your head up high, no matter how they responded.

You have every right to feel disappointed and Grinchy. My Christmas wish for you is that this turns out to be a blessing in disguise.

Perhaps you will be able to spend the day with other family or friends and have a great time. Or pop into your local Salvos or soup kitchen to help serve lunch.

Be kind to yourself

Merry and Bright or Bah Humbug, how do you feel about the holidays?

kanga_brumby — Fri, 30 Nov 2018 08:34:26 GMT

Summer with the past few years taking their toll on me physically I cannot attend the local salleys nor can I with out an invite which is how they do it in my area So I get grinched again. I dont need a six pack of scrooge

Kanga bar humbug no one wants me

Merry and Bright or Bah Humbug, how do you feel about the holidays?

Summer Rose — Fri, 30 Nov 2018 10:20:27 GMT

Hi Kanga

Bless you, Kanga. You really have travelled a rough road. I truly believe in the goodness of people, so I really want to believe that it's not true that "no one wants you". I know we do here on the forum. You are valued and welcome, always. Especially at Christmas.

If you can't join in at the local sallys, how would you feel about a visit to a local place of worship? Everyone is welcome, you don't need an invitation and you might enjoy the music and being amongst people. If you prefer, a totally self-indulgent quiet day at home might work. Do whatever you want for the entire day. Pamper yourself.

This might sound crazy but there's another place where an invitation isn't required that might also bring you some cheer--the nursery at the local hospital. When I was a teen my dad was critically ill in hospital and I used to wander to the nursery, just to look at the babies through the window. It was entirely joyful and a reminder of what's good and important. Life.

Lean on us here at the forum and we'll do what we can to help you get through these holidays x

Merry and Bright or Bah Humbug, how do you feel about the holidays?

Summer Rose — Fri, 30 Nov 2018 11:42:03 GMT

Hi Quirky

Thanks so much for joining the conversation.

My first few years away from home for Christmas were very tough. I was used to a big Ukrainian-Canadian family Christmas, with wonderful traditional cooking provided by my mum, Grandma and Aunties. The country-side would typically be blanketed with snow as we travelled to my grandparents and it was extra special if we got flurries on the day. There were always reindeer footprints on the front lawn when we went out to the car (shout out to Dad!).

My husband's family is small and conservative, I guess you'd say typical Australian. So it was a very different experience and the food and traditions were so different. It wasn't better or worse, just different. It took awhile to get used to it all but I have and I am grateful every day for my Australian family.

I'm sorry that you feel isolated from everyone else at Christmas time. I'm wondering if you've ever shared a Christmas with someone who does celebrate it? And I'm curious to know more about your celebration if you want to share.

Kind thoughts to you

Merry and Bright or Bah Humbug, how do you feel about the holidays?

Summer Rose — Mon, 03 Dec 2018 10:49:13 GMT

Hello all

For anybody new picking up this thread we're talking about the impact of Christmas on our mental health and the different ways the holiday affects us.

Stress, pressure to please, isolation and grief for someone or something missing in our lives seems to be a shared experience. Wanted to share something a little more positive.

Yesterday my husband and I put up our tree. Adult kids were no longer active participants but hovered all afternoon. Laughing at some of the decorations (the elf that used to frighten them unknown to me), remembering making some of the decorations at kindy and smiling at their baby photos in seasonal frames.

There was no stress. Lots of laughs. And lots of reminiscing. For once the planets aligned and the four us shared something special and I could appreciate what I have without dwelling on what I don't have.

Watching the bright lights twinkle now and wondering if you've got your tree up and if it was a good day? Hope so.

Kind thoughts to you

Merry and Bright or Bah Humbug, how do you feel about the holidays?

lilly2016 — Tue, 04 Dec 2018 03:19:51 GMT

Hello, I dread Christmas, it's a charade in a way for me, I will not be able to afford any Christmas presents, for which I will surely be judged on, pretending to be happy is tiresome. No miracles will occur, however I will try and cope for the sake of others and share the love if I can. I hope I can turn this day around.

Merry and Bright or Bah Humbug, how do you feel about the holidays?

Summer Rose — Tue, 04 Dec 2018 11:10:19 GMT

Hi Lilly2016 and others

I think many people share your sentiments about the holiday season. You are not alone. I hear you when you say you "dread" Christmas but it's really encouraging to read that you hope to turn the day around.

It's okay that you can't afford to buy gifts and I can assure you that many people are in the same boat. Perhaps you could make some treats to share with others on the day, such as cakes, muffins, jams, etc. Or you could plan and organise a special event for everyone to share. Our family always plays charades on Christmas day, using Christmas movies as a theme. I usually organise it and it takes time time and effort, so this could easily be your gift.

What is more important is how you treat others on Christmas. Go out of your way to be kind and hopefully the universe will send the right kindness back to you. Remember that those people who may sit in judgement of you likely don't appreciate your full story. They may have opinions but that doesn't make them right. You do the best you can and hold your head up high.

I understand that it will take a lot of effort for you to get through the day and truly hope that you can "share the love" because that, my friend, would be a Christmas miracle we could all appreciate. At the very least a blessing.

Kind thoughts to you

Merry and Bright or Bah Humbug, how do you feel about the holidays?

Learningcurve — Tue, 04 Dec 2018 19:56:13 GMT

It is slightly off topic, hope it's okay? But my struggle this time of year is New Years, especially New Years Eve! It is by far the hardest day of the year for me. Especially if I have had a tough year.

People are celebrating and I just feel dread, how am I going to struggle through another hard year!! I usually just want to be alone to cry and let it all out, but every year I have to paint a fake smile on my face and show to some big new years eve party or worse host a party that my husband thought would be a good idea.

Merry and Bright or Bah Humbug, how do you feel about the holidays?

GoodWitch — Wed, 05 Dec 2018 00:50:10 GMT

Summer Rose

I remember having good memories of Christmas when I was very young, running around barefoot with my cousins, jumping in the river etc. But at some point it became a thing to dread. This was most noticeable when I got married and Christmases had to be shared between families, and more so when I had my daughters and everyone wanted to see them Christmas day and nobody seemed to understand that wasn't possible bc of distances apart.

I've also got a bad history with my brother who is an alcoholic and ruins any Christmas he is involved in. One year he overdosed on pills and booze, and and ambulance had to come to my mum's house. Other times he was just so drunk he made people uncomfortable. One year he tried to detox for Christmas and was so violently ill he started having seizures during Christmas lunch. I just feel between the passive aggression I get from my mother about 'not seeing the girls' enough if it isn't her turn, my brothers antics when it is, and my mother in law's refusal to take note of any instruction I give about what not to buy my kids (one year when they were only 7 or so she bought them make up, i was furious. she buys things I specifically ask her not to), it's become a time I hate and feel that all my needs are ignored.

This year bc it is my husband's family's turn, but they decided to go away and we don't have enough time off work to join them, we've inadvertently ended up planning a Xmas with just us and the kids at home. I was actually looking forward to it for the first time in decades! But a few days ago my dad rang to say my brother has been kicked out of where he was living & noone knows where he is. He's sleeping rough I think. And one part of me thinks 'of course, he'll probably ruin this Christmas too. He'll die on Christmas eve or something'. That sounds harsh, but after 35yrs of dealing with him being a fall down drunk, my sympathy is gone. Every year i feel this dread that the day will be ruined & most of the time I've been right. I try so hard for my kids to put on a happy face but inside I just wish the month of December would be obliterated from the calendar!

Sorry to be a downer!