topic Existential Crissis in Staying well

Existential Crissis

MissBenthos — Sun, 21 Jan 2018 20:27:07 GMT

I have been well for over a year now - depression and anxiety free. I have a great job, plenty of friends, am now engaged to my long time partner, I have a volunteer job, I'm still taking medication and am still seeing my psychologist once a month. Basically I can't see anything wrong with my life.

So I don't understand why I still question what the point in life is. I frequently wonder what my purpose is and find it hard to set goals. How can I find meaning in life? I don't feel passionate about anything and I don't know what else I can try?

Existential Crissis

Peppermintbach — Sun, 21 Jan 2018 20:49:32 GMT

Hi MissBenthos,

You seem to be feeling very frustrated, perhaps lost and very discontented. On “paper” (so to speak), things appear to be going well yet there seems to be a strong sense of emptiness and a lack of fulfilment in your life. Then again, considering the title of your thread, I suppose that is unsurprising...

I hope you don’t mind if I quote you:

So I don't understand why I still question what the point in life is. I frequently wonder what my purpose is and find it hard to set goals. How can I find meaning in life? I don't feel passionate about anything and I don't know what else I can try?

Those above questions really resonated with me.

I feel those are universal (and difficult) questions. I suppose the difference between individuals is some people have a much stronger desire to seek out the “why?” and life purpose and meaning related questions than others.

For some people, I feel that contentment can arise from common goals, such as, maintaining healthy relationships, interesting or meaningful work (paid or volunteer), offspring and pursuing hobbies. But, perhaps for other people, there’s a sense that those things and as wonderful as they may be, is “not enough” for an enriching and purposeful life. Something is missing , so to speak, and the hard part is figuring out the “missing” part.

As much as I would love to answer your question, it goes without saying that the only person who can answer the above questions is you (in the same way that no one else, but me, would be able to answer for me either if I were to ask myself those questions). Sorry, I’m probably being completely unhelpful...

If it helps in be slightest, I can relate to your feelings of searching and trying to seek meaning. I often feel very lost in life and struggle with a sense of a lack of meaning and purpose in my life.

I wonder if you have heard of existential therapy? I’m not sure of the exact technical term but I know some psychologists specialise in that area so perhaps that’s something worth looking into? Just a gentle suggestion from me...

I’m glad you shared and you’re always most welcome to use this space to write as much as you like 🙂

I’m happy to continue this conversation with you (if you would like).

Caring thoughts,

Pepper

Existential Crissis

MissBenthos — Mon, 22 Jan 2018 01:02:01 GMT

Thank you Pepper. I would love to continue the conversation.

Lost, empty and frustrated are exactly how I would describe myself. It's nice to know I'm not alone in that.

The harder I search the worse I feel and I don't want to slip back into depression, but if I keep aimlessly wondering through life without goals will it come back anyway?

I hadn't heard of existential therapy before, I will look into it, thanks for the suggestion.

Existential Crissis

Peppermintbach — Mon, 22 Jan 2018 18:56:35 GMT

Hi MissBenthos,

Thank you so much for replying. I’m very glad to hear from you again 🙂

I agree it can definitely feel very comforting to know there are others who can relate...

I think existential therapy is a pretty specialised area so not all psychologists offer it but I feel it’s definitely worth looking into. It may or may not be for you but I suppose there’s no harm in researching.

I noticed your comment:

The harder I search the worse I feel and I don't want to slip back into depression, but if I keep aimlessly wondering through life without goals will it come back anyway?

I feel that I can relate to some of your paradoxical/contradictory emotions. I think the search can be frustrating and sometimes disheartening but at the same time, not searching and letting things “be” isn’t enough either.

I also feel very lost and empty in life and personally, I have this urgent need to know “why.” I feel a strong need to know or figure out my purpose or meaning. But I’m drawing a blank at the moment, which is incredibly frustrating.

I found great comfort in some of Nietzsche’s works and also benefited from Victor Frankl’s “Man’s search for meaning.” But just so you’re forewarned, some people might find the content in Frankl’s text triggering; he was a remarkable man but a remarkable man who survived extreme horrors during The Holocaust. So the book has some very heavy and potentially triggering parts. A great book though...

Caring thoughts and hope to hear from you again (if you want).

Pepper

Existential Crissis

MissBenthos — Mon, 22 Jan 2018 21:02:19 GMT

Morning pepper,

Not sure if I could stomach stories from the holocaust but I will have a look at your other suggestion. Thank you 🙂

A friend once said to me "the purpose of life is to be born, reproduce and die". As cynical as that is I can't help but agree. Are we trying to make meaning where there is none?

Existential Crissis

Peppermintbach — Mon, 22 Jan 2018 21:26:49 GMT

Hi MissBenthos,

No worries, you’re most welcome 🙂 They’re just book suggestions but only read/look into what works for you. No pressure...

I think if we want to look at things purely from a human biological perspective, perhaps your friend has a valid point in terms of the continued survival of our species . But as with most statements, i feel it’s also highly debatable too.

If you agree, I feel naturally you’re entitled to feel that way. You’re entitled to agree with your friend. That’s a given 🙂

Although I feel if it was truly enough for you, dare I play devil’s advocate, and wonder why you’re asking yourself those questions if what your friend mentioned was enough? Sorry, you don’t necessarily have to answer me but it’s just something you might want to think about in your own time (if you want...no pressure).

Although I must admit that I feel that statement doesn’t apply to men/women/other who don’t want children (or in other cases, can’t have children). I personally don’t want children so on a purely personal level, that statement doesn’t apply to me. But I feel, for people who want children, it could possibly apply 🙂

Your question “are we trying to make meaning where there is none?” aligns with existentialism. After all, and you probably know this anyway, the philosophy behind it is life has no fundamental meaning and that it’s up to each one of us as individuals to seek and define meaning. Some people find that scary and discouraging but others, like me, find it empowering (if very frustrating at times) because it’s a kind of freedom...a difficult freedom in a way ...but a freedom of sorts...

Anyway, thanks again for your reply and sharing your thoughts...

I’m not sure if my post was helpful but I just wanted to share my thoughts. No pressure to take any of it on board if you feel it doesn’t apply to you 🙂

Pepper

Existential Crissis

MissBenthos — Tue, 23 Jan 2018 01:13:47 GMT

In regards to why I ask myself these questions when I agree to that statement is "is that all?"

I'm unsure on whether I want children myself but even if I did would that give my life the meaning I'm looking for? Guess I won't know until I'm there, but from where I am now I can't imagine that it would. Hence, why even bother being alive if that's all there is to life? But at the same time it does seem like the only logical explanation I've heard.

Now I feel like I'm waffling, hope that makes sense.

Existential Crissis

Peppermintbach — Tue, 23 Jan 2018 10:31:58 GMT

Hi MissBenthos,

Thank you so much for elaborating a little. What you’re saying, “is it all?” makes sense in terms of why you’re asking. I don’t think you’re waffling f all. I really appreciate your insight 🙂

Obviously I don’t know whether you would find having children meaningful in the way that you need. You may or you may not...but you know that already. I can see what you’re saying about how it feels like a logical explanation to you.

Then again, I suppose that’s also partly perception too...but if that perception sits well with you then perhaps it’s something worth holding onto...

Personally, as I touched on earlier, I don’t know what is my own self defined meaning or purpose. I’m still searching...

As for your “why even bother...” question. That’s a big question that I honestly can’t answer, and maybe you were asking rhetorically anyway.

I suppose maybe that’s where the whole making/creating our own life meaning (as per existentialism) comes in. But it’s tough of course to figure out what is enough for each of us...

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts. I really enjoy reading them and exchanging ideas with you 🙂

Pepper

Existential Crissis

Peppermintbach — Tue, 23 Jan 2018 10:34:55 GMT

*correction: “waffling at all”

Sorry, please ignore the accidental letter there.

Thanks 🙂

Existential Crissis

MissBenthos — Tue, 23 Jan 2018 20:25:18 GMT

No problem Pepper, thanks for all you replies 🙂

I hope we can both find our purpose.

Other people certainly do seem to find content in the stereotypical get married, buy a house, have a family thing. People around me have been talking about buying new cars and buying new dresses for x event, and for me that just makes me hate the world that it revolves around money like that. Makes me feel bad in a way that I can't be happy for them but spending lots of money on flashy new things I don't understand.

Existential Crissis

Peppermintbach — Tue, 23 Jan 2018 21:26:37 GMT

Hi MissBenthos,

Thanks 🙂 Always good to hear from you.

Yes, I hope so too...

True, for some people, marriage/family/house is personally fulfilling and purposeful. I suppose we are all different but the thing with society is it doesn’t always recognise that not everyone wants or needs the same things in life. The thing that makes one person feel very fulfilled could make another person feel completely miserable. We’re all different...yet that’s often not taken into consideration when people suggest or pressure others to pursue certain paths.

I smiled at your comment about people liking flashy things. I’m in 2 minds about it. On the one hand, I think “well, if it’s their money, they can spend it as they see fit plus we need a degree of consumerism for economic growth anyway.” On the other hand, I also realise some people completely define their self worth based on what material goods they own, which could mean a very fragile sense of “self.” I wonder if that could be the case with some of your friends...maybe they’re “buying” their self worth and purpose, in a way?

Personally, I must admit that I enjoy fashion and makeup. It doesn’t make my life purposeful or fulfilling (and I don’t personally expect it to) but it does give me a nice boost in mood 🙂

Always enjoy hearing your thoughts.

Pepper

Existential Crissis

MissBenthos — Wed, 24 Jan 2018 02:31:49 GMT

Hehe. This may be going slightly off topic but in my opinion "we need a degree of consumerism for economic growth" is brainwashing. The fact that we rely on money is so ingrained in society no one seems to be able to imagine a world without it. In my ideal world people would help each other and that's all we would need. But that's not the way it is and greed is destroying the world.

I sometimes wonder if my controversial opinions like that are why I struggle to find meaning because the idea of even slightly changing something like that feels unreachable. And do I care enough to push it? I don't know. Sometimes I have strong opinions on something and then the next day I'm like oh well doesn't really matter.

I totally understand getting dressed up can boost mood, good on you for it 🙂

Existential Crissis

Peppermintbach — Wed, 24 Jan 2018 19:35:20 GMT

Hi MissBenthos,

In an ideal world, yes, ahuh, I get where you’re coming from. I’m probably a skeptical person so I have doubts as to whether everyone (some, Yes, but everyone?) would necessarily be that motivated to help each other out without some sort of very obvious incentive.

I feel it might be easier to find help for some tasks but for unpleasant or demanding tasks, such as, managing waste disposal, it might be difficult if there was no obvious incentive. Having said that though, I would be happy to have my cynicism proven wrong 🙂

I suppose this hypothetical world hasn’t, to the best of my knowledge, existed before so it may or may not work. I feel we can only speculate at this point. I suppose a while ago, we bartered (but that’s still a “transaction”) so societies do change...

I feel there’s nothing wrong with having different or controversial ideas. It’s often a good thing, because it says you’re thinking for yourself (or as much as one can anyway).

I think it’s okay if that’s what you truly believe. Perhaps if you come up with concrete ways to encourage people to help each other out from goodwill, you might start feeling your life has more meaning?

I’ve heard of something called the “kindness project” (or maybe it’s called something else) where people do a good deed for a stranger and leave them an anonymous card to “pay it (kindness) forward” by performing a kind act for another random stranger...and so it continues. It’s a little kitschy and overly sentimental, in a way, but sometimes simple ideas like that can create change in small ways.

I realise that’s probably not what you meant, and I’m not saying you need to do something similar , but what I’m trying to say is there are ways around things with some lateral thinking.

I know you mentioned how your fluctuating levels of motivation is an issue. Maybe on your more motivated days, aside from doing more, you could come up with short lists of tasks for your more despondent days. So on your down days, maybe you could commit to those lists almost as they were a “chore.”The idea is to keep the momentum going both on your motivate days and also even on your “down” days.

As always, my suggestions and thoughts are simply that. I’m a huge believer in suggesting and not insisting so if none of my ideas really apply, no need to take any of it on board...

As an aside, I really get something out of these conversations with you. I think you have an interesting take on things, which I appreciate 🙂

Existential Crissis

MissBenthos — Thu, 25 Jan 2018 01:40:26 GMT

Thanks pepper, me too!

I appreciate all your suggestions too, gives me another perspective to look from.

My mood seems to have picked up today, I discovered that I had forgotten to take my anti depressants a few days ago.

Existential Crissis

Peppermintbach — Thu, 25 Jan 2018 19:30:11 GMT

Hi MissBenthos,

You’re most welcome 🙂

Hopefully, when you’re back on your meds, it will help stabilise your mood and you’ll feel a bit better.

Anyway, this space is always open to you if you want to talk.

Caring thoughts,

Pepper