topic How to start again? in Staying well

How to start again?

Fallen_apart — Tue, 28 Aug 2018 09:37:23 GMT

How do you find some direction and purpose in life after it all crumbles?

Had a decent life up till a couple of years ago, mid 30s, job, Mrs, home etc about to get married have kids etc. Kept my anxiety and depression under control for the most part without a Doctor.

Hurt my back, lost my job, career, my grip on my mental health, my fiancé and future and feels like pretty much my entire identity, and it all seemed to escalate with each different class of meds my doctor tried over two years.

I am stuck in a cycle of depression and anxiety and a crippling loneliness that prevents me even thinking of anything that I could want/hope/dream/plan/think/do/enjoy.

Everything I worked towards was stripped away and I can't even daydream about any sort of future beyond this. Its almost a year on my own and I can't see a way forwards.

A lot of people laugh I know I should have it relatively easy- single guy, no kids, still got a house so far, don't drink or do crack.

But iv lost my purpose and identity. How do I find that again when I don't even know what it is?

How to start again?

Croix — Tue, 28 Aug 2018 12:26:15 GMT

Dear Fallen apart~

I'm sorry to hear what has happened to you, life at times can be very unfair and losses such as you describe are absolutely shattering - even without the added burdens of depression and anxiety.

May I ask if your back has improved? You mentioned being alone, do you have parents. siblings or other family or friends you can be with at times?

Under these circumstances I guess most people would be struck to know how to move forward. I too was in the same frame of mind having been invalided out of my vocation with no prospects.

In time my life did improve, but it was not by having a grand plan, more a matter of coincidence. I was eventually persuaded to take a course of study which in time led to occupation in an area I'd never considered. Quite a surprise, another surprise being to look at myself and see how much I'd improved without really realizing it.

Please don't think I'm suggesting study is the answer - though I guess it might be one. More that you don't have to see the destination and aim for it, just try for things you enjoy or interest you and see where that leads.

You can do some things like I did that do help, and getting medical support, particularly with the depression and anxiety, is time and effort well spent. I simply got worse until I did this. Mind you it took a long time to find the right treatment, but eventually I got there.

Not drinking or doing drugs is a real bonus, it is a trap hat has caught many. You are still the same person inside you always were - something I found hard to remember. You still have the abilities that made your employment a success and now you would agree you have more insight into the qualities you need in a partner, and maybe more about relationships in general.

A new life can start unrealized from little things, what have you enjoyed in the past?

Croix

How to start again?

Racingmind123 — Tue, 28 Aug 2018 22:25:30 GMT

Hi, Just wanting to follow this thread as I'm currently in the same boat. Early 30's, was about to have a fiance, a puppy, the house, marriage, kids and its just been stripped from me. I'm severely struggling to deal with it and I can't see a silver lining. Being female, I've lost the chance to have a family due to my age and I'm struggling to come to terms with that. I'd love to hear other peoples thoughts as I actually am currently studying, but haven't been able to concentrate on it at all of late, which increases my anxiety of failing. I was on such a high and was so motivated just to crash to such a low... a lot deeper than expected. I agree that reaching out to friends and being kind to yourself does help. There is so much out of our control, it can be unbearable at times, but we can't dwell on it for too long. I so wish there was a switch we could flick but I'm hoping that only time will heal. Hope you are able to move forward and achieve little goal, by little goal. Don't put pressure on yourself to be able to get everything back all at once. I hope everything will come back to you in succession. All the best!

How to start again?

Vegetarian Marshmallow — Wed, 29 Aug 2018 05:31:26 GMT

I like what Croix said. Just put some feelers out, try things, experiment. After I lost my first job (computer programming), I just looked on a volunteer website and went to the first thing that was on the list. Not thinking anything as grandiose as "this is going to be my new direction in life", but just "well I have to do *something* or I'll get bored and crazy". And through that I eventually came to change industry (childcare). I'm sure I did other things as well that didn't lead me anywhere, but those tend to be pruned from the memory.

How to start again?

Fallen_apart — Thu, 30 Aug 2018 04:14:47 GMT

Thanks for replying and your suggestions.

Iv been seeing a doctor about the anxiety and depression since I did my back. I almost feel that its become more of a problem since, as now I'm aware of it and its a forefront issue. Meds all definitely made me worse. I have been to see several psychologists and I usually left feeling worse.

My back has also become worse over time despite gym and physio stuff, to the point where I'm pretty much unemployable because I don't have the reliability or confidence in it, even if I knew where to start.

Iv looked at the tafe list a thousand times and it only generates more anxiety and feelings of hopelessness similar to looking at a job board. I couldn't even get a volunteer job because I cried like a baby in the interview.

The only real happiness I can remember in the past was in the security and companionship of a relationship. After 15 years iv forgotten who I am and what I want from life.

Thanks for replying I know people rebuild their lives every day I just need to hear it from someone who has sometimes.

How to start again?

Fallen_apart — Thu, 30 Aug 2018 04:28:28 GMT

Thanks for writing, always sort of helps to know there's other people in the same boat even though I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Don't give up on a family yet, you still have time, it will just be different to how you have always pictured it with your previous partner. Getting my head around that is still hard but helps me a bit.

How to start again?

Croix — Thu, 30 Aug 2018 07:15:24 GMT

Dear Fallen apart~

I can certainly relate to a lot of what you are going though. Looking at a campus handbook listing courses was confusing and quite frankly I ran out of steam looking at it each time I did. In the end I selected by chance and ended up with units I could manage and eventually enjoy.

I do not think this is a recommended way to start a course of study. Do you think you might come up with a better one? As for things you enjoyed, depression and anxiety make us forget what was good in the past. Do you have anything to prompt your memories, from old photos to old clothes?

Crying is not the end of the world. Embarrassing, upsetting and horrid for the self-esteem. It's also something people are a lot more understanding of than other displays of emotion (such as anger or impatience). If you can't volunteer one place maybe another.

Actually the fact you tried, even if the interview was less than perfect is a pretty big milestone. It is easier next time. Helping yourself (plus the place you would volunteer at) by trying is tremendously imortant.

Croix

How to start again?

IsaJett — Thu, 30 Aug 2018 10:05:01 GMT

Hi Fallen apart

i went through the same thing . Here’s what I did ..and I hope it helps .

i thought about what made me happy as a kid. Like things that I got lost in . I found myself again and believe me you are still there ...under that confusion . Don’t overthink anything ..and just be present ..and focus on whatever is in front of you.

i found my lost passion of dancing and writing and it feels good to be in your own space and element again . The fact that I was lonely is because I always felt I needed someone to fulfill me ...but I clearly don’t ...I have my own set of lungs to breathe and organs to have me operating day day . I am enough and way much more . Hell I can even give myself a super duper hug if I want to . I can even laugh so hard at my own jokes . Realising all these have helped myself heaps and I hope it helps you .

tell yourself a joke and give yourself a hug now ...

put out your left hand on right shoulder and right hand of left shoulder and squeeze real tight . This form of love ...called self love ...is the best form of love there is . At least it won’t break your damn heart and fall out of love with you or cheat on you ..

keep smiling and let me know how you go with these tips 🙂

How to start again?

Fallen_apart — Thu, 30 Aug 2018 12:12:40 GMT

To be honest I'm not really keen on either work or study right now assuming I could lock in either one. I know there are mental health benefits to doing so, but I am worried going back to just being a hamster on a wheel with no clear direction will be the final straw. A mate let me hang around his business but I didn't last 4 hrs before I left in tears.

Most days lately I stay in bed staring at the fan for hours on end racking my brain for something to fire up for but I'm flat out taking the dog out.

id travel for inspiration or something, but my confidence is shot, socially and physically and I'm at a complete loss as to where I'd go or why.

My doctor has tried to get me to go into hospital and stay for a while to find meds that "work". Sometimes I think I should but I'm not ready to take the shovel and dig myself a new low point.

Curious on anyone's thoughts/experiences with being an inpatient. I'm terrified of the thought but don't know what else to do.

Thanks for writing. I feel less invisible and appreciate any help and experience you and everyone else adds here. Most people I know haven't fallen down yet or they stayed at the bottom and never left.

How to start again?

Fallen_apart — Thu, 30 Aug 2018 12:42:30 GMT

Thanks for your reply.

I was always a bit of a lone wolf and preferred my own company, which is partly why not coping at the moment scares me. Fair to say I didn't know I needed that human contact until I lost it.

I'm a funny guy, but my hugs suck, I'll stick with the cat for those : )

How to start again?

IsaJett — Thu, 30 Aug 2018 12:56:23 GMT

Hi fallen apart

I just read a few of your other posts...and you said that u lost yourself and that’s exactly me too ...I pretty much was co dependent cos the relationship pretty much took over who I was.

codependence is not healthy ..I have now learned .i lost a lot of myself ..in fact maybe at one stage I felt like I didn’t matter at all ....

i now know that I lacked self love ..and respect .

You know it hurts and it’s ok to truly feel those hurt ..just like it’s ok to truly feel happy when you are happy . We ride the emotions out so to speak . So I say just embrace your emotions and not be afraid of it .so u r scared of getting out there ..and u said “confidence is shot ..physically and socially .”

I have had this happened too ...and I noted the fear I had ...and realise it was just the fear stopping me .....it’s always that one split moment ,,.that can turn it around for u ...instead of giving in to that fear ...just say ...oh to hell with it ...what have I got to lose?

and just do it ...whatever it may be .

so the worse thing would most likely be related to ego ...but you forget it even happened ...that is if you failed at the task. In the event that you succeed ...u say ...hmm see nothing to it ...not sure why I even panicked in the first place.

our inner conversation ...the voice in our head ...can work for us and against us ...so make it work for you ... tweak it the other way . Just some fine tuning really . It can really be a fun exercise . I call it being self aware. Hahahaha try it yourself as an experiment .

I find with what I had been through in life and given a second chance now ...I just never really stopped learning ..and I am continue to learn things about myself too . Just keep at it my friend . You will get there ...don’t give yourself pressure. You gonna let it happen ...manifest it ..and know that it will happen for you and the rest will follow .

go with the flow ...be like water says Bruce Lee

believe in yourself my friend and keep smiling .

I look forward to hearing from you again 🙂

How to start again?

Fallen_apart — Thu, 30 Aug 2018 16:20:53 GMT

Thanks Isabel Sabrina

Codependent pretty much sums up where my ex and I were at, but I'm not even sure I knew who I was before I lost myself, if that makes sense. We grew up together but never really grew up in our own ways and we each sheltered each other from certain aspects of life. Her social skills made up for my lack of. I'm ok 1 on 1 like a dating situation assuming I could actually get one, but I'm lost without her in groups which now makes most social situations excruciating.

I only ever needed that one friend, which I've since realised was probably my biggest mistake in life so far because I drifted apart from true friends over that 15 yrs, and am paying the price now by not really having any.

There's definitely been some accelerated learning over the last year or so, and more to come. But its hard to undo years of negative thinking and rewire the old comfort zone out of my head even though I know it doesn't exist anymore. I'm having trouble creating one that has just me in it at the moment

I feel like I'm rambling, whining and dribbling all at once but it helps writing stuff down almost as much as hearing from people who come out the other side ok.

Thanks again

How to start again?

Croix — Sat, 01 Sep 2018 07:14:54 GMT

Dear Fallen apart~

Hospitals are all different, and while private ones, which are expensive, are by and large better I've had good experiences in the public system.

Not enjoyable, even when voluntarily admitted one's freedom is curtailed, the other people in there can be upsetting. I don't mean violent, just their situations and reactions. The staff may be overworked and seem impersonal, plus at least for me a combination of boring and frightening.

All of which might make one think it's not for me.

But

It did me a lot of good. I've changed meds in a controlled environment, which is OK, but mainly it was the lack of pressure from the outside world. I wrote to someone else:

I remember looking out a window high up on maybe the 5th floor down at the tops of shrubs and trees, seeing the birds fly around them and the foreshortened shapes of people, small at the distance going about their lives in silence, in and out of shops, walking along the street.

I felt at a distance from it all and that was so good.

So maybe your doctor is right, up to you to decide.

No you are not "rambling, whining and dribbling", you are simply talking finding your way as so many have done. It will come

Croix

How to start again?

Fallen_apart — Sun, 02 Sep 2018 04:08:02 GMT

Thanks for sharing that Croix,

my doctor is always right so far, even when I can't see it myself at the time.

But for all the reasons you mentioned and more I'm terrified the whole experience will only psychologically scar me more and - like the penal system - become a revolving door once I've had experience with it.

I'd be lying if I also said I wasn't worried what people would think and say about it, even though I know I shouldn't be.

I already feel completely at a distance and isolated from society and I don't want to be anymore.

I'm hurting everyone I know being like this, I feel like an empty shell of what I once was. I can't go on like this, but I know I can get worse too if I don't make the right choices.

How to start again?

Croix — Sun, 02 Sep 2018 12:16:13 GMT

Dear Fallen apart~

Frankly hospitalization has been a plus, even if not that pleasant, and I think you are probably getting more scars struggling on alone, particularly as a strange experience can loom awful large - more than it deserves. Other people have been there and survived:) I'm one as I said.

I've also been very worried about what others will think. I remember saying I was going on sick leave for a while. Whilst in the ward I got a card from a kind person who had worked it out. (They did not even mention it on my return). Everyone else just made a brief inquiry how I was and then dived straight into work matters that had been piling up.

Saying one is going in to get meds adjusted or trialed is one thing one can say - I have.

At the moment I'm not sure there is a completely 'right' choice, just a question of balancing benefits and drawbacks. Apart from your doctor is there anyone else you can talk things over with?

Croix

How to start again?

Fallen_apart — Mon, 03 Sep 2018 04:43:34 GMT

Thanks Croix,

Its kind of what brought me here. I don't really have anyone to talk to about it, as I said most people I know haven't fallen down yet, and its not something you can fully understand until you do.

Even people to talk to in general is slim pickings for me, i find myself calling or messaging everyone I know just for some sort of conversation and get nothing.

How to start again?

Agronomy101 — Mon, 03 Sep 2018 04:49:46 GMT

I couldn't even get a volunteer job because I cried like a baby in the interview.

This broke my heart. I feel afraid that I will do the same thing.

I am in my 30's. I'm confident in my competence but hardly competent in my confidence. I walked out of a isolating domestic situation with nothing 6 months ago. I had left my career and home for this man and his family. Sometimes the more independent we feel, the more bold we are to follow our hearts and that's what I did. I felt resilient and qualified and reasoned if it didn't work I could bail and pick up employment and a new life easily. I wasn't happy where I was anyway.

What doesn't fall under any sort of reasoning is the way shame can strip you of your ability to deal with everyday social situations. Maybe its worse if you go into these situations with an ounce of self respect because you expect more of yourself and then even more ashamed of making such an obvious mistake. I'm too unwell to shop locally because someone might ask me how I am and I might cry, then I'm ashamed of crying. This, and crippling drought have a vice grip on my small business. Let alone getting myself to a job interview I can't even face Centerlink (and I probably need to).

Bottom line is, I think many people have colossal 'failures' and then beat themselves up for it and can't face the world even when they try something proactive. The loneliness is unbearable. I wish I could fix things for you and certainly didn't mean to blow my own nose on your sleeve. I more wanted you to know that we're all here and we get it. Be kind to yourself

How to start again?

Fallen_apart — Mon, 03 Sep 2018 06:36:24 GMT

Hi Agronomy101,

Thanks for writing and sharing some of your story it all helps. I'm the same with centrelink but they will do your head in at the best of times.

i went into that interview ready to nail it like a pro.

The first thing they asked was "are you married or anything?" That's me gone. It had already been about 7 months at that stage and I was at a point I thought I was moving on well and that question was all it took.

I lived on my own since I was 17 until I met my ex at 22. I was the most independent guy I knew, owned mY own place and trade qualified at 20. I didn't think I needed anyone for anything.

I want to get up and have a red hot go at something, I've just got no idea what or how, and how to apply the good, common sense advice I do get at the moment.

thanks again

How to start again?

IsaJett — Mon, 03 Sep 2018 07:19:05 GMT

Hi Fallen Apart

Glad to help in any way and glad you wrote back 🙂

Your story definitely sound a lot like mine . We grew up together as well ..also he was the only friend I had ...everyone else fell away by the side . I kinda of was the woman behind him ...so like I was almost invisible . When it ended ..I was like ...omg what now ?

mind you the instant it ended ..I was also super relieved as I felt the marriage was a rotten sack of potatoes I had been trying to carry with me ...for old times sakes .

you know when things just gone so far south ....i wondered what was I hanging in there for .

so today I am grateful for all the times we shared together ..we have a son together and we remain amicable .

To be honest ...it was super scary starting over by myself ...but I have learned to see the funny side ..like being a slug in a cocoon trying to spread my wings into a beautiful butterfly ..I am more like a moth at the moment .

I noticed in your posts you are very hilarious too ...just like me . I believe that is an awesome way to be. We have to laugh at ourselves ...otherwise we be crying ...but I choose to laugh any day .

please keep me posted on the funny stuff that goes on in your life and from your post ..I find it hard to believe that you be lost in a social setting .just crack them a joke ...hahah

and btw your Username Fallen Apart ...is that like Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall ?..he then had a great fall ...let’s now put Humpty Dumpty back in place, shall we.?

keep smiling and keep writing :-)🐛🦋

How to start again?

therising — Mon, 03 Sep 2018 21:08:32 GMT

Hi Fallen apart

I believe the opening line in your first post holds a clue to your reformation - 'How do you find some direction and purpose in life after it all crumbles?' When we are forced to rebuild, after it all crumbles, I believe we first need to look at our foundations in regard to our identity or what we're building upon. In other words, when everything does come crashing down, how solid were our foundations to begin with? Have we been building upon a false sense of identity all along, one which is no longer sustainable? By the way, I see you have questioned the identity aspect of life on more than one occasion.

Just some food for thought: From a young age, how did you come to identify people who have physical limitations, before your back issues? How did you come to see people with mental health issues, before you developed your own? Is it possible your perception of such people became a part of your foundations without you realising? Is it possible that instead of seeing such people as strong and warrior-like (which is the truth), you came to see them as 'weak'? Of course, there are many destructive faults running throughout that 'weak' label we bestow on others and/or our self.

Fallen apart, there is much to unlearn in our life building process in order for us to begin laying truthful and healthy foundations. Keep in mind, in the master/apprentice relationship (between those who teach us life skills and we who learn), were the masters really all that skilled to begin with? What was it we were really learning from a young age, from the so-called 'masters' in our life?

Take care of yourself on your quest for a skillful rebuild