topic Newbie - Coping with chronic pain ,depression and grief in Staying well

Newbie - Coping with chronic pain ,depression and grief

Lumlo — Sat, 22 Dec 2018 22:09:46 GMT

Hi I am new to the forum. I suffer with chronic pain ,depression and grief and currently have worring problems with my adult children.

One has had major surgery and the other has been on drugs and has ongoing legal issues and mental health problems.

With xmas close I am not coping well and need some support. I am hoping talking on the forum will help me.

Newbie - Coping with chronic pain ,depression and grief

kanga_brumby — Sat, 22 Dec 2018 23:03:58 GMT

Firstly Lumlo welcome ti Beyond Blue Forums hope things work out well for you, and your family. Try breaking each child's problem down into easy to fix little problems. Tackle each one one at a time you will be sup prized the short time it takes to fix the problems.

Kanga

Newbie - Coping with chronic pain ,depression and grief

Rabbit33 — Sat, 22 Dec 2018 23:32:05 GMT

Hi Lumlo,

I agree with Kanga. You'll be much better off if you break it all down and define each little problem, rather than trying to take them all on at once. Concentrate on the most important and easier ones first. May i suggest that working on the problems at hand that concern you directly, would probably be ideal to work through first. Oneself is no good to others, if they don't take care of themselves first.

With the Chronic pain, Are you under going any treatment? Medication, physiotherapist?
Your depression and grief, Are you on medication and speaking with your doctor and/or Psychologist regularly?

I think once you can be sure that these things are being worked through or sorted, then you can move onto the next set of problems. I would think that the son who had major surgery may come next? What type of surgery was it if you don't mind me asking and was it a success? I'm truly hoping that it was!! From here, maybe find out what the recovery process is for him and if there's any planning ahead you can do for him to ease the recovery and also just ensure him that you are there for him and try not to take on all the added stresses and worry's that come with it. As these won't make any difference to anything, they are unwanted emotions that you weigh you down and you have to try and remain strong.:-) You just need to breathe and put your faith in him and that doctors.
Next, the son who is on drugs and dealing with mental health issues. Is this a new diagnoses or on going? It may be worth sitting down with him and try to communicate how you're feeling and that you are concerned about him. Letting him know that you are there for him and want to support him, should hopefully encourage him to open up and work with you. The key to all relationships, regardless of the issue. Is communicating. Mental Health is always tricky so it can be very overwhelming and painful to go through and to witness someone else go through. All you can do is be there for him, show him support and encourage him to seek help. As for the drugs, it may be worth trying to get a referral for a drug and alcohol specialist that can support him and give him to tools and assistance to break-free from the addiction. Legal issues are always a nasty thing, you'll just have to ride that one out i'm afraid.

I hope this helps you and if you have any more questions or need some support, please feel free to reach out.

Best of luck! Sending positive vibes your way! 🙂

Newbie - Coping with chronic pain ,depression and grief

Lumlo — Sun, 23 Dec 2018 01:00:35 GMT

Hi. Yes I do have a pain management plan ,see a physcologist and dr and take pain medication. All the added stress has derailed my program and I am struggling atm. The brain surgery x2 has gone well recovery is on track atm. My other childs diagnosis is recent and treatments been limited so far by legal dramas and restrictions and his lack of willingness to engage. Residental rehab as well as community based DA councelling tried with some sucess but problems are still ongoing. I find although I am helping I feel quite overwhelmed. Thank you for talking

Newbie - Coping with chronic pain ,depression and grief

Lumlo — Sun, 23 Dec 2018 01:11:34 GMT

Hi. Yes I like the idea of small steps and have decided on one step for each child to do today. Then to give myself some time gardening and try and relax.

Newbie - Coping with chronic pain ,depression and grief

Rabbit33 — Sun, 23 Dec 2018 01:16:51 GMT

Hi Lumlo,

Can i just say, you sound like an AMAZING PARENT! You deserve a big pat on the back and to actually acknowledge all that you're doing. Just reading through your comments and the fact you have reached out, just shows how pure your heart is and how much love you have and give to your children. So well done!

It's great that you are seeing a Doc, psychologist and have medication. Unfortunately, none of what you're going through is straight forward. But you have got this and you will get through this! I think you need to establish a close support group for yourself so that you have someone or some people to fall back on.
I'm so happy to hear that the surgery went well. Brain surgery x2 is extremely scary and must have had you beyond stressed out. Your son is in good hands, he's made it through the hardest part, so just keep doing what you're doing there.
You're son regarding the drugs, legal drama and his lack of willingness to engage. It's truly sad, i think you just have to keep at him. Explain to him that he needs to engage and work through all this, But at the end of the day, the saddest part is. You can't help someone in that position, unless they are ready to help themselves. You can only support them, try to guide them in making more responsible decisions and keep seeking support, for him and for yourself. It's not an easy road and i really feel for you.

You're sounding like my mother and i wish i could give you a hug. Be strong! remain focused, and keep moving forward, It will get easier. but remember, YOU come first!

Newbie - Coping with chronic pain ,depression and grief

Lumlo — Sun, 23 Dec 2018 10:33:53 GMT

Thanks Rabbit33 for the hug and kind words. It has been a very hard time for me. It is so hard to watch someone you loves life go down hill so rapidly. I have done all I can to help but you are right you can guide your adult child but there is little you can do when they make poor choices but be there when you are needed. I have offered a lift to an important appointment tomorow and will use the time together in the car to encourage him to see the gp again about medication/help. I know I dont put myself first but I agree that it something I must do.

Newbie - Coping with chronic pain ,depression and grief

Rabbit33 — Sun, 23 Dec 2018 11:07:40 GMT

You're a very strong individual and you're doing an amazing job! Please let me know how you go tomorrow.

Wishing you all the best. Try and have a good nights rest 🙂

Newbie - Coping with chronic pain ,depression and grief

Lumlo — Sun, 23 Dec 2018 18:46:15 GMT

Hi.

Feeling very low this morning. Struggling to hold back tears. I am scared that depression is getting bad again. I took antidepressants for some years but stopped as although it helped me from the worst lows they also stopped me feeling happy . I felt not much at all. I am just not sure if it would be better now.

Newbie - Coping with chronic pain ,depression and grief

kanga_brumby — Sun, 23 Dec 2018 23:29:45 GMT

Dear lumo sorry to hear the depression has reared it's ugly head again. But that is the nature of the beast. It is as a thief in the night, coming along quietly and stealing all te joy in the world. Believe me I fight it on a regular basis. There is no rhyme or reason what brings it on some times changes. What chases it off changes a little. But humor always picks me up. Sometimes a singalong. It's what ever floats your boat realy.

peter

Newbie - Coping with chronic pain ,depression and grief

Lumlo — Mon, 24 Dec 2018 06:20:27 GMT

Hi Peter.

Yes it does seem to just come on in its own time. Xmas is such an emotional time too. Really tough day today just trying to get by atm. Will try a walk in the garden see if that can lift my mood a bit.

Newbie - Coping with chronic pain ,depression and grief

Rabbit33 — Mon, 24 Dec 2018 12:50:16 GMT

Hi Lumlo,

Hope you're feeling a bit better now.
I've been on anti-depressants a few times throughout my life and currently on them now. I look at them as though they are temporary for me. I personally don't like to believe that I'll need them forever.
The last time i came off them, I had been in a pretty dark place and had a lot of financial struggles, work troubles and loneliness in my life. After about 9 months time, my financial situation had become a lot easier to cope with, my work problem had been totally changed, and i had moved to a different place, with a housemate so i was no longer lonely. With these 3 big changes, i thought i could now cope without the meds and with my doctors permission, i came off them and had done really well.
I guess what i'm trying to say is sometimes when we're in a very low place, we need a little extra help and if medication can give you that while you're feeling depressed and down, then it should be a positive thing. You can always keep in the back of your mind that you are able to come off them again, if you and your doctor feel that you are ready to. Maybe explain to the doctor that last time, the medication you were on, shut off all feelings and express your concerns. There are many types of anti-depressants out there and sometimes it takes trying a few before you find one that works best for you.
- Another option is speaking with your psychologist and getting them to work with you, teaching CBT. This can really help! Hope you're okay!!

Merry Christmas!!! 🙂

Newbie - Coping with chronic pain ,depression and grief

Lumlo — Mon, 24 Dec 2018 17:53:40 GMT

Hi Rabbit33

Yes life is a real struggle for me. It is so hard to watch what my son is doing to his life. I cant help him . The drugs and mental illness are going to put him in jail. The last time he was there waiting bail he attempted suicide. He was doing ok for a while but now is worse than ever. I am just so scared for him. Its just like waiting for the call.

I just cant stop crying and I think I probly do need some medication atm to cope for a while. I can't understand how in two years he could change so totally.

Yesterday I found him he'd slept in the bush fallen down in the dark and got hurt. Totally wired up. Hes like a different person. I just dont know what I can do anymore he seems to be self destructing. I am feeling so alone.

Newbie - Coping with chronic pain ,depression and grief

Rabbit33 — Tue, 25 Dec 2018 04:55:31 GMT

Hi Lumlo, You poor thing! I can only imagine what you'd be feeling right now. I have witnessed what drugs can do to someone first hand and how quickly a person can change so i can understand where you're coming from.

You're doing all you can do, so please know that it's not your fault and he is extremely lucky to have you!
Addiction is so evil but there is hope out there.
Maybe try: askizzy.org.au/
A local resource guide for practical things, including money work, drugs and alcohol. They'll prompt you to fill out the short questionnaire and they should be able to link you up with some really helpful services local to your area. You may even be able to contact the CATT team as they deal with and provide immediate help during a crisis with mental health or assistance for people caring for someone going through it.
These are just some suggestions, There are a lot of services out there that can help through this process. I really hope you give them ago and see what they come back with. If you consider the CATT team, they may be able to coordinate an intervention and really push your son into some kind of rehabilitation service or an addictive behaviour program which may help him? (Don't quote me on that, as i'm not 100% with exactly what they can and cannot do) But i'm sure they'll be able to assist.
These are a few things for you to possibly consider.

Most importantly though. You MUST look after yourself! Have you got a support group? Other family you can talk to? Someone who is within your inner circle and can help you through this process? I think that will be very important in keeping you above water. Your mental health is vital so please be good to yourself and make sure your getting all the support you need also!

Please let me know how you go and if you need any other support or possible avenues to look into, i'm more than happy to have a chat with some of the guys here and see what they suggest..?

Speak soon!

Newbie - Coping with chronic pain ,depression and grief

Lumlo — Tue, 25 Dec 2018 23:49:59 GMT

Hi.

Just so low now. Seems I have no support. Husband just told me he cant take it. Stay away from him looking so miserable and dont talk to me about your problems. I am not up to seeing friends as in tears a lot. Will see dr for some medication as I am falling apart.

Son is doing badly and sounds like soon be told to leave the relatives place he stays sometimes now. As they had enough. Atm can stay with us but wont as we live out of town and no licence now. Just dont know what I can do now.

Feeling very lost and alone.

Newbie - Coping with chronic pain ,depression and grief

Lumlo — Wed, 26 Dec 2018 02:02:00 GMT

Hi.

Not sure if I should keep posting as I feel maybe I have given too much information online. It is hard to know who will be reading. Thank you for your support you have been helpful for me.

Newbie - Coping with chronic pain ,depression and grief

Rabbit33 — Sat, 29 Dec 2018 00:12:13 GMT

HI Lumlo,

Sorry i haven't replied sooner. Please feel that you are always welcome to post on here for support. Some people don't handle depression very well and try to avoid it but there are services out there that will assist you. I think definitely see your doctor and explain everything with them. Explain to them that you are struggling and would like to seek some support and the possibility of medication. I'm sorry to hear about your son. Remember you are doing the best you can and remember that we can't always fix everything. Just continue doing what you are and hang in there. Please be good to yourself 🙂

Newbie - Coping with chronic pain ,depression and grief

Rabbit33 — Thu, 10 Jan 2019 19:10:30 GMT

Hi Lumlo,
Thought i'd send a quick post out your way in hope to catch you and see how you're going with everything?
Happy to chat and will be online for most of today.
You don't have to give out too much details if you're concerned. Please don't feel that you have said too much or too little. We're here to help anyone and eveyrone!
Anyway, just want to see how you're coping and to let you know we are always here to offer support.

Sending you strength and courage! 🙂

Newbie - Coping with chronic pain ,depression and grief

Lumlo — Fri, 11 Jan 2019 17:39:21 GMT

Thank you Rabbit33 for your reply. Things seem to be spiraling out of control for me. I am feeling very down. My son is now homeless and seems unaware of consequences of his serious actions. I fear for his safety his mental health has declined. I am struggling to cope . The advise offered here I will try . Small steps. Tomorow try and help connect him with services to find a place to stay. Offer a lift wherever needed. Suggest a bed at my place for now. Try to talk over the upcoming legal issues. If he talks of self harm suggest going to the hospital. Offer my help and support and try to accept its his choice. Then take some time to recover and help myself . Feeling lost and alone.

Newbie - Coping with chronic pain ,depression and grief

Rabbit33 — Sat, 12 Jan 2019 05:46:22 GMT

Hi Lumlo,

Thank you for coming back and chatting. it really does seem like its stuck on a downwards spiral. I think when people are so surrounded by bad/negative things happening, like when on drugs etc. it then tends to follow them, one mistake turns into 2 then 3 and so on. Then you're guilty by association and it's hard to get out of that rut. With the legal drama, if you have representation or if it's through the system, see if you can reach out and have them be honest with you as to what they believe would be best. My grandfaher was actually a prison warden for many years up in QLD. He may have some pointers but we are not close.
He's very old now anyway and i reckon the rules & boundaries have changed quite a bit over 30 years lol.

Maybe seek out people specific to these issues that have overcome them. I find it very difficult to connect with a psychologist or doctor if i can simply not relate to them. Maybe someone who has been in his shoes can shed some light and snap him out of this negative behaviour.
I think you are doing all that you can to be honest, sometimes we exhaust ourselves trying so hard, but we simply don't have the tools for everything.

I'm a bit concerned that you feel so alone and lost. You need to focus on other parts of your life also. Do you not have any family members offering assistance or someone within your inner circle for support? I hope you do!! This is too big to take on by yourself. Are you seeing a doctor or psychologist regularly? They may be able to provide you with contact details of groups or individuals that support people going through these exact situations. Maybe write out a list of questions to ask your Psychologist? For example

1) Can you recommend a group/organisation that specifically deals with this sort area?
2) is there recovered individuals out there that offer support to people going through it and the family being affected by it?
3) Could they provide a referral if you need one . etc etc

Then move on to the housing situation. Great that you have an immediate solution. Now lets come up with a long term or more suitable situation that isn't putting your health at risk. Look up local organisations that provide emergency housing, contact the cat team, the local church?

For the record, I think its great that you are showing all this support & your efforts to continue to try and connect. Just keep having faith, you are a good person and you WILL get through this!

Keep me updated. 🙂