topic Dilemma thread. in Staying well

Dilemma thread.

white knight — Mon, 13 Nov 2017 05:35:44 GMT

This thread is all about dissolving confusion by posting a dilemma say a family feud, workplace incident, what reactions are best and so on.

This will give members opinions from other members on what they would do.

Here is my first dilemma-

Im an athiest. Yet I feel I'm tolerant. When my wife and I visit another couple in their 70's, they hold hands at the table to say grace. Thats ok.

However, in general conversation like discussing depression its "just have faith in the lord and all will be healed" comments that ruin our friendship

The dilemma- just go along with it? Push my views that it isnt realistic. Or drift away as our compatibility isnt there.

We've been friends for 45 years. I'm even in their will as they have no children

Thanks...whats your dilemma?

Tony WK

Dilemma thread.

CMF — Mon, 13 Nov 2017 05:47:37 GMT

Hi Tony,

Great topic.

'However, in general conversation like discussing depression its "just have faith in the lord and all will be healed" comments that ruin our friendship'

'The dilemma- just go along with it? Push my views that it isn't realistic. Or drift away as our compatibility isnt there.'

You've been friends a very long time and they must value that to put you in their will. I find in these situations it is often best to just let them say what they have to say, accept they will not understand, as they have not experienced what you have , and move on. I would accept that they cannot support the situation and expect nothing from them. It is not worth arguing about as often you need to go through something to realise it is not that simple, it will not just go away. It also depends how often you see each other as to how much the incompatibility affects you. Do you get along well despite these differences? I am getting quite good at letting people say what they think and then doing what suits me.

cmf x

Dilemma thread.

JessF — Mon, 13 Nov 2017 05:54:21 GMT

Hello Tony, its a difficult one. I think with friendships, if your attitudes don't match on things that are important, then something has to give. Either someone changes their attitude, or someone gives up the friendship. The only other alternative is to mutually agree to 'swallow it' and move on. I agree with CMF, if you're in their will, they must consider you to be a very close friend.

Do they know you're an atheist? If they bring up religion at inappropriate times, then could you try saying, "well you know that's not my belief, and I really don't want to ruin our friendship by arguing over something that is a personal choice. I can respect your belief if you respect mine."

Dilemma thread.

white knight — Mon, 13 Nov 2017 12:11:14 GMT

Thankyou ladies

Yes they think a lot of me so I think swallowing it and changing the topic is best.

What is amusing is the man asked me to give him a hand in his shed a few weeks back. So did the 3 hour trip to find he needed a hand alright...to finish off building 2 coffins and a trolley for both.

Do you have a dilemma?

Tony WK

Dilemma thread.

white knight — Wed, 15 Nov 2017 01:42:54 GMT

Dilemma

You have an 18yo son. He has recently developed depression. He wants to go to university but finds study stressful and the challenge daunting...hecs fees and fear of failure.

He has natural talent in woodwork.

Uni or trade?

Tony WK

Dilemma thread.

CMF — Wed, 15 Nov 2017 01:51:16 GMT

Hi Tony,

My questions -

Does he enjoy the woodwork, is it less stressful for him? Can he see a future in it? He needs to be happy in what he is doing.

Does he have the grades to do what he wants to do in uni? There is always the option of going to uni later on as a mature age student if/when he feels he can cope better.

If it were my son, i would think about the trade for now as the pressure of uni may make his depression worse and develop anxiety. Natural talents are God's gift and tradies do quite well. He could start his own business one day.

cmf

Dilemma thread.

white knight — Wed, 15 Nov 2017 07:58:57 GMT

Hi CMF

My thoughts too. There seems an obsession for young adults to do university now. If he took on woodwork he can do uni later on.

Depression takes too many young people maily males. We should be careful with stress.

TonyWK

Dilemma thread.

Elizabeth CP — Wed, 15 Nov 2017 10:37:10 GMT

Years ago I had a similar dilemma. My son had some learning difficulties & was being bullied at school. He wanted to go to uni but was interested in woodwork. I was concerned re his mental health staying at school so I took him to TAFE open day. He wasn't keen but I pulled rank saying you can't make a choice if you don't know what is available so I want you to look. After meeting staff & seeing the projects he could make he asked the staff for info re application process. After completing a pre apprenticeship course he went on to finding a position as an apprentice. By showing him the options & making it clear that the choice was his allowed him to feel comfortable in his choice. Too often uni is held up as the only decent option which is wrong.

Dilemma thread.

Elizabeth CP — Wed, 15 Nov 2017 19:52:05 GMT

Another dilemma: I value family strongly & have worked hard to develop/maintain close ties with both immediate & extended family members. I also value helping & supporting each other. This works with most of my children & their spouses & children. I do what I can to spend time with them & help when needed including babysitting. In return we have had practical help including free treatment from dtr & SIL who are health professionals & help in my house, garden & with computer from the other couple. I have one son & DIL who I struggle with. My DIL is loud & very unreliable. I am uncomfortable with her treatment of my son & grandchildren & her spending has lead to serious problems in her family. I avoid babysitting & feel disconnected with her children. She dominates all conversations even when I ring my son so I can't talk to him. I feel guilty because it is obvious I choose to do more with my other children & grandchildren. How do I manage without becoming too stressed

Dilemma thread.

white knight — Thu, 16 Nov 2017 01:07:15 GMT

Hi Elizabeth

Family dilemmas. Glad you've mentioned it. Feel free to give your opinion readers.

Your situation with your DIL is her abrasiveness, loudness and interjection which seems natural rather than vindictive.

What I'd suggest is to when on the phone, calmly mention to your son to move to a quiet room so you can talk to him alone. It will take tact. When they visit ask him to go for a short walk. Capitalise on any spare moment with him to make these suggestions.

Id also fight against your not so close feelings towards your sons children. Such feelings of difference (to other grandchildren ) is natural as they have your DIL traits, but as they grow they become themselves and I'm sure you'll get closer.

Finally, the interjection. Asking your son direct questions should get replies from him. If she answers for him (so annoying) then let her finish and calmly ask the same question to him again. "So whats your view....." Effectively its shutting her out but...she has had her say on the topic and you've allowed her that say.

Another way is subtlety (hand on her forearm) "wait a minute I want to know what he thinks about this"

Using humour works. Ive got a dear neice that interjects. "Oh dear, the interjector again". Luckily she laughs back!

So move your open book to introduce subtle boundaries. If she objects thats a positive because it will be a discussion point and you can discuss how you love her very much but you also would like to hear from your son.

Google

Topic: inlaws the best approach- beyondblue

Hope all is ok otherwise.

Tony WK

Dilemma thread.

meercat — Wed, 22 Nov 2017 22:12:42 GMT

Hello. I have a dilemma.

My sister ..R.. who lives in NSW has not communicated with mum for 13 years(after a serious argument with mum).

After phone conference with WA State board tribunal yesterday for 2.5 hours She has now been legally appointed to look after mum's financial affairs.

Tribunal was convinced by my R that she wd be best administrator as she has many degrees including accountancy.They did not take into consideration mum was in highcare home and sudden contact by R after 13 years could affect mum.

The day to day tasks and medical decisions have been given to mum's nephew J who lives near nursing home which is in WA.

I have not been aware of my sister's contact details til yesterday.

My dilemma is that... now my life is going to involve an estranged sister who bullied me for years to the point of my MI prior to the family drift; and R treated mum in a cruel way, trying to have mum instutionalised over a family argument. NOW She is now looking after mum's business affairs. ALSO a cousin iv never met until last nights phone meeting, was appointed to care for mums day to day needs and treatments.

You may be wondering where i fit into this situation.

The WA state board invited me to participate in the meeting. As i did not have a solicitor present i was virtually ignored..i cd speak 5 mins of 2.5hr meeting. I was not asked what i thought about board's decision or how i fitted into the picture. I was not offered access to see or call my mum.

I feel i should phone the appointed carer, cousinJ, to touch base on a friendly note as he will be seeing mum on reg basis.

Should i contact my sister?

Im sure there's an answer but to have to talk to someone who put me down is making me a bit worried.

Its all overwelming at the moment.

meercat xx

Dilemma thread.

meercat — Wed, 22 Nov 2017 22:19:55 GMT

Tony.. what a great thread. Hope we can help lots of people.

meercat xx

Dilemma thread.

white knight — Thu, 23 Nov 2017 02:59:29 GMT

Hi Meercat

Firstly I would only give your sister your email address. You dont need to talk to people if you feel uncomfortable.

Contact the authorities to put forward your concerns by letter.

Definately contact your cousin. See how you go from there.

I dont want to be judgemental but 13 years is a long time. There is a chance your sister has changed for the better. An email conversation will confirm one way or the other.

Good luck

Tony WK

Dilemma thread.

meercat — Thu, 23 Nov 2017 05:21:50 GMT

Yes Tony. Email could be the way to go. Keep things cordial. Im not sure how to get it as sister and i dont know each others addresses or phones and i dont have anyone to ask. Iv looked up white pages.

Cousin.. il call him tonight and see if we can start afresh. I dont know him but i feel he might be ok to talk to.

Thanks for ur quick response.

meercat xx

Dilemma thread.

meercat — Fri, 24 Nov 2017 04:02:50 GMT

Hi Tony. Iv called my cousin and he's cool about popping to see my Mom at the home as he lives nearby.

My sister, she's lying low but im ready for her. She's like a cobra about to strike!

Could we call this a DoubleDilemma almost solved.

Once again, thankyou for being here.

meercat xx

Dilemma thread.

white knight — Fri, 24 Nov 2017 06:49:11 GMT

No problem

You can drop into any electoral office and search gor residents from there for addresses.

Tony WK

Dilemma thread.

meercat — Fri, 24 Nov 2017 07:51:52 GMT

Tony..ta i will search the electoral roll.

meercat xx

Dilemma thread.

CMF — Sat, 02 Dec 2017 04:24:23 GMT

I have toying with the idea of selling and downsizing for a few years. It is not time to downsize with 3 children at home but it will mean I could buy outright. My current hoke has enough room and the option of converting the rumpus room to a bedroom. The place I buy will need a garage with internal access which i can convert a 4th bedroom. I do not want all the bells and whistles as there are people whom i do not want to know my business. I also think it would be very stressful for myself and the kids so i am wanting to sell off market. It is doabale but my dilemma is this;

This weekend my older kids are at their dad's house which meant i could give their house a really good clean, declutter their rooms and have it looking really good. Today my RE agent was going to do a 'quiet open' and invite a handful of suitable buyers/underbidders from today's auctions. Unfortunately, due to the extreme weather and storms in Melbourne he rang last night and suggested cancelling/postponing as a few of the people were not sure if they would cmd out if the weather was bad and one couple in particular who is interested is coming from across town and needs to use the freeway which is not advisable today. He was happy to go ahead with it but we agreed that it may be a fizzer as we don't want 1 person to show up as it will look like there is no other interest. the agent has told me we can reschedule whenever i want to before December 20, just say the word .

My son is quite anxious at the moment as he is starting year 11 next year, he also doesn't like the thought of selling as he is concerned about where we will live and will we have enough room. I don't want to be doing this next year when he starts school,however it is so close to xmas now and I don't think i will have any weekends where the 2 older ones are not home. They also finish school this week so even less time available.

Next year i my little one goes to school and i want to return to work, however i am not sure it will improve my situation and I am tired of struggling all the time. Also if I am working and bringing p 3 kids on my own how do I manage to keep the house in order for people to come through?

I have gotten through this far, do i stick it out and hope things will get better, keep trying or do I just sell take a chance and hope it is the right decision for everyone and that i don't cause more stress for the kids?

My house looks so good now, shame the weather stuffed it up.

cmf

Dilemma thread.

CMF — Sat, 02 Dec 2017 04:40:24 GMT

Forgot to mention...ran out of room. It has been raining all day but no thunder storms. Could have had the open but no one was to know, we just went by the weather warnings, one month's worth of rain was due today.

I feel I missed my chance. I was hoping there may have been interest, maybe an offer and I may have had the chance to sell and be resettled (even if renting temporarily) before the kids go back to school. Now i don't know which way to go.

Dilemma thread.

white knight — Wed, 06 Dec 2017 08:26:41 GMT

Hi CMF

First thing that comes to mind is imo not trying to include your children's feelings, needs and school schedule in the mix.

In a couple of short years your eldest is likely in uni, moved out with a job etc. His need for big enough rooms is the least of your problems. At that age young adults have their needs/wants but they can't have everything. A steep learning curve is to appreciate what they have which is what you can provide them.

I dont want to suggest Im a better parent but my then 15yo daughter was told to get a job. She did at a pizza shop. Then we moved further out and told her again at 16yo to get a job. Next day she came home from school "my new friends told me there is only 3 cafes and a fish and chip shop in town and I wont get work there."

I told her to apply. She did and got two jobs! She worked at both for 3 weeks then dropped one. She stayed there for 5 years. She saved for a new car. Every Friday she took a 3 hour train trip home from uni, work the weekend then train back to uni.

Anyway CMF I see your dilemma. In short trade down, own your home, dont cater for everyones needs too much and think ahead. And if it all means selling when the kids are at school next year so be it. Otherwise you'll be full of anxiety.

What do you think?

Tony WK