topic "Water off a ducks back" in Staying well

"Water off a ducks back"

white knight — Mon, 31 Jul 2017 14:31:23 GMT

So easy to say for some. Some people that say that to us chronic worriers just dont know what its like to not possess the capability to shrug things off when the need arises.

I found a similar challenge after 11 years of emotional abuse at the hands of my first wife. Once seperated I spent 5 minutes daily in front of a mirror "you are a good person, you deserve a good life with a loving partner" etc. It worked. Confidence can grow and progress made from teaching ourselves what others might teach us.

As a 40yo I had a small list of personal challenges one of which was to accept that somethings in life arent curable so why beat myself up about things I cant change? I began the journey of accomplishing "water off a ducks back" and it wasnt easy.

As usual to rid my mind of topics, conversations that tormented my mind I'd have to distract myself. Distraction not only focusses your mind on other things, it dispenses time and time heals.

Also telling myself over and over "I cant change that, I cant control that, I am not responsible for that"...

A good example of the success of this challenging area of life that eluded me has been my youngest daughter now 24yo. She has returned to my life several times and on each occasion treated me poorly. The above techniques have worked. Aging helps too, it becomes easier.

I accepted with my daughter that her toxicity was inherited from her mother and there is a limit to my ability to change that. I'm not responsible for everything. I went through a period that I'd wanted to reject her if she came knocking. Then I realised if I made her welcome, talked but remained firm with my views, after she left my home the act of "water off a ducks back" would be easier. The guilt non existant, in myself satisfied I've given her a chance...I've continued to be a father. This is regardless of what the outcome will be.

Punishing yourself is imprisoning yourself over issues that harm you ten fold more than the initial event. To teach yourself to let go of topics of torment you need to lay a foundation of thoughts, mental discipline that were missed in your younger years for whatever reason. Compensating for that capability is not being able to just develop the ability "normal" people have to shrug problems off. We need to use other means at our disposal to achieve a level of peace. Distraction, repetition of lessons learned, reminders of what is beyond your control and maintaining a compassion so guilt doesnt fester.

Tony WK

"Water off a ducks back"

Peppermintbach — Tue, 01 Aug 2017 10:42:34 GMT

Hi Tony WK,

I love how you share your thoughts, insight and advice 🙂 Very generous of you, and no doubt, it helps so many. Credit to you...thank you for your generosity.

Kind thoughts,

Pepper

"Water off a ducks back"

MsPurple — Tue, 01 Aug 2017 11:12:26 GMT

Hi Tony WK

I do love this saying. It reminds me of Jinx Monsoon the drag queen from RuPaul's drag race. She was the under dog of the season and ended up winning. This saying reminds me, that yes something may happen that is not ideal, but let it wash over you and learn from it.

I also do the mirror thing and tell myself something I like about myself. It helps me with self confidence

"Water off a ducks back"

demonblaster — Tue, 01 Aug 2017 11:26:10 GMT

Kudos Knight

You've overcome major long term attacks at self esteem, sorry you went through that rot. What is it with people that they have to run others down to make themselves feel better. It's them with the problems that turn into ours they say, I far from have gotten to the point of applying that knowledge, but you have and I'm going to read again & again what you said cause you've found strength and worked it out.
Seriously well done budz.

Like what MsPurple said too about learning from it, am sure that's one of the reasons we're here is to learn in all ways. And the each day in the mirror what they like about themselves, that's good, gunna do that too.

Thanks for that thread and wisdom, it's going to help and Hopefully others too

Take good care Knight and all 🙂

"Water off a ducks back"

white knight — Wed, 02 Aug 2017 07:42:51 GMT

Thankyou all

Its satisfying to get your comments.

Considering my first wife emotionally abused me for 11 years that led to me having to escape my family home and become a part time dad, learning "water off a ducks back " wasnt easy.

But it goes to show, it takes time, persistence, changes of environment and employment maybe to achieve a clearer mindset....to be able to leave the rocks alone...or put them in a bag and toss them in the river.

Tony WK

"Water off a ducks back"

Guest_128 — Wed, 02 Aug 2017 10:04:32 GMT

That's it you are moving in here!

Later

"Water off a ducks back"

white knight — Wed, 02 Aug 2017 10:14:59 GMT

Gee later, that the first proposal a lady has ever given me.

Can I take some time to think about it?

Tony WK

"Water off a ducks back"

Guest_128 — Wed, 02 Aug 2017 10:19:45 GMT

"Water off a ducks back"

Guest_3712 — Wed, 02 Aug 2017 21:27:19 GMT

Hi Tony,

Oh boy this is a hard one for me . I have taken my time replying here because I wanted to absorb your words .

Firstly I want to say how sorry I am that you've had this abuse in your life and then in the next breath congratulate you for developing strategies to help overcome the fallout.

I am so SENSITIVE! I'm sure every side glance , innocent comment is a judgment. I take everything personally and assume the worse.

Distraction is also a tactic of mine, and I try to keep busy to deflect any negative 'nellie's' or my own internal dialogue.

Or is it my excuse for not tackling my issues head on .

Yikes!

Thanks for exercising my brain- again!

Stressless

"Water off a ducks back"

white knight — Wed, 02 Aug 2017 22:06:12 GMT

Hi stressless

Thankyou for being honest. I know what being over sensitive is like. I've lived with it all my life. But there is a flip side to it.

Being over sensitive gives you the quality of consideration, to think how it is for others, to "walk a mile in their shoes". This under valued awareness is rare in a world full of selfish attitudes.

Google

Topic: depression and sensitivity a connection?- beyondblue

When I get upset, usually from something someone has said, I get a tingle in my brain like a switch. As a male I want to cry but cannot (when young I would). I'd guess if I was female I would cry. So Im also guessing that by not crying it builds up and overflows whereas a female would release more regularly. Neither is better than the other but this consistent upset means we cannot just enjoy life like everyone else.

In my thread Topic: fortress of survival- beyondblue it outlines why we withdraw from society or groups or forums...to take stock, reassess, get over what upset us then re-emerge. ..until the next time. And each time we do that we grow a thin layer of extra resilience until we are older and we've played a bit of catch up towards normality with such sensitivity .

You Stressless, have regrouped and rebounded after our little disagreement to commence your "circle of friends" that has taken off faster than any other thread Ive seen in my 4 years here.

Such a success would not have happened had you remained aloof and sad. I'm really proud of you for that. You are an incredible person.

Congratulations. One day I might contribute when in the right frame of mind.

Cheers my friend.

TonyWK

"Water off a ducks back"

Guest_3712 — Thu, 03 Aug 2017 00:14:55 GMT

Hi Tony,

Thanks for your response- a couple of things, firstly I am so glad I spent extra on that waterproof mascara because it is really getting a work out this week. Seriously though, you are generous and I am humbled by your comments.

I hadn't thought about it quiet like that but being over sensitive I can relate and "walk a mile in their shoes", yes that is true. I am very passionate about what I perceive as injustices , or 'big brother' taking advantage of the little people. What I went through during my time on workers comp, insurance companies and finally the legal / court system almost destroyed me. Somehow I survived and wrote a paper for navigating this minefield for my employer at the time.

I don't cry as much these days, over my issues anyway- give me a sad movie or a cute puppy and I'm gone, but I do withdraw as you would know. I tend to attack sometimes when cornered , before thinking things through and need time out to regroup as you said.

My apologies for behaving like a brat. No excuses but like you I have very strong views on that subject, triggered by events unfolding at the time. No excuses and I appreciate your graciousness.

As for the Circle , some of us just felt at such a loss as to how to help our dear friend TA, so the circle was formed, but as it was TA's thread I thought we should separate but keep the focus the same. It has only succeeded because of the unwavering support of people like yourself who just want a quiet space to be with other like minded individuals, who need no words just lots of warmth and comfort - oh and chocolate!

Please drop by any time - you will be warmly welcomed.

Cheers

Stressless

"Water off a ducks back"

Moonstruck — Thu, 03 Aug 2017 02:27:41 GMT

Hi Stressless....I don't usually see you here....but re the "Circle Thread". I was a bit hesitant at first in continuing on there...for fear of saying the wrong thing...ie. off topic. Can I really chat away about just anything on there? Should I be asking TA? there's not the chance I will be told to "go start my own thread instead?"...is there? As happened to me before just when I was getting comfortable?

"Water off a ducks back"

Guest_3712 — Thu, 03 Aug 2017 03:52:36 GMT

Hey Moon,

Okay first off you will never be told to go elsewhere and in fact you better not or I am coming looking for you.

So a few of us started our circle on TA's thread as we were desperate to reach out to support her. It grew from there and we realized many others were also in need of support, but not wanting to either open up then or ever, but just wanted to be around others who had been through similar things.

Whilst TA was and always is in our thoughts, I felt we had hijacked her thread and needed another place that anyone could find if all they wanted was to just be, or in your case talk about anything and everything.

That's what we love about you Moon ! I have this lovely visual of you in my head, rocking those boots and skinny leggings, giving that adorable grown son a massive hug and bending down to give those grandkids cuddles only a rocking granny like you can. Do you get it now.??

This thread is not mine it is everyone's who wants to come on line and maybe just read, maybe contribute, maybe just imagine a life away from MI for a while- no rules, no conditions just what we started

A CIRCLE OF FRIENDSHIP AND SUPPORT !

Now as Later would say, pull your head in and tell me what colour chair you want !

With much affection

Stressless

"Water off a ducks back"

Guest_128 — Thu, 03 Aug 2017 05:02:21 GMT

Why aren't you in the sin bin?🤗

"Water off a ducks back"

Guest_3712 — Thu, 03 Aug 2017 05:41:30 GMT

Ha you should see the ones that don't make it through !

Besides I quote others - I think that's the difference or not .

Maybe its just my charming personality

Stressless

"Water off a ducks back"

demonblaster — Thu, 03 Aug 2017 06:01:02 GMT

Hey White and all 🙂

mmm interesting varied thread, marriage proposals lol, coping methods again Kudos White.

Ok a couple of things struck chords, only in the last couple of days and bang there it is I think you said White about Depression and sensitivity which I just made that connection but haven't thought furthur on so apparently on right track, sometime I'll have a squiz at that.
Also have been saying to psych related people that being sensitive as hard as hell it is cause we hurt daily how many times but just cause we are it doesn't mean people aren't being Beeeping beeeps aye, how was that for restraint, no one can ever say I don't have any control :D, nice when they call me lady but I tell em nah lol.

Low self esteem too isn't bad for others not us though cause dunno bout yous but cause I don't like myself, getting there though you try harder with people to be liked not being false but make more of an effort. If someone downs me which mostly being an extrovert putting your personality out there and a talker puts a whopping target on your head, how can I put this... ok I'll settle for no expletives but A....... then magnet, fortunately majority I have good relationships with.

I do realise now to overcome sensitivity and rise above low self esteem is we need confidence and it's true we get that shield by liking ourselves, what you and others here have said, looking at yourself and finding the goods is the way to do it.

I'm learning faster here and thinking more about the beast and trying to understand it to rise above. Have to.

Depression is basically anything that pulls us down, and wondering if it's the root of most psych related problems spreading it's tendrils

We can do this peeps

"Water off a ducks back"

Moonstruck — Fri, 04 Aug 2017 03:05:53 GMT

Hey WK....just wanted to tell you that I cannot, and never have been able to do the "Water off a duck's back" thing...just impossible for me...Gee I wish I could though. would save myself a lot of heartache and over thinking Do you reckon those who say they can master it, are really being honest? Or do they secretly care a helluva lot what happens, what is said, what maybe implied, what is inferred, ..and etc etc etc.

I have heard some say things like "Couldn't care less...water off a duck's back to me"...or "whatever - nothing to do with me"...or "nothing I can do about it anyway, so who cares?"

How can I be like that...how do I master the "water off a duck's back" thing?

"Water off a ducks back"

velvetfaerie — Fri, 04 Aug 2017 05:02:40 GMT

Later and Stressless

You guys crack me up.

"Water off a ducks back"

white knight — Fri, 04 Aug 2017 05:50:24 GMT

Hi V

Water off a ducks back.....you quack me up....

Moon, I think all those that say that do mean it. I dont think some people care less and when they say "water off a ducks back" they mean it.

I dont know how we could develop such an ability. Any thoughts anyone?

Tony WK

"Water off a ducks back"

velvetfaerie — Fri, 04 Aug 2017 06:05:53 GMT

HAH @ Tony... nice.

Emotional resilience. No idea. In my life it seems those who care less are more self absorbed and those who do care see the bigger picture.

Just my 2c