topic Dealing with NEGATIVE emotions, thoughts, words and memories in Staying well

Dealing with NEGATIVE emotions, thoughts, words and memories

Doolhof — Wed, 14 Jun 2017 07:28:46 GMT

Hi Everyone,

We all have them right! Negatives in our lives that pull us down. They may be words others have spoken to us, things we tell ourselves, beliefs we have accepted over the years, wrong truths, what ever you want to call them we all have them.

We could include the What ifs or Why me or any other phrase that has a negative connotation.

I have started this thread so people can share their negatives and together we may be able to come up with solutions, ideas or thoughts that might help.

My NEGATIVE thought might be "No one is going to respond to this post!"

How do I know that?
If no one does respond, does that mean I am stupid for thinking someone might respond?

Our minds keep telling us stories, right or wrong. It is what I do with those stories and thoughts that count. I can feel defeated if no one responds, or I could accept this might not be a topic that interests anyone.

We all deserve to feel as though we are of value and we don't allow our sense of worth to be based on what other people say or how we feel about ourselves when depressed and full of negativity.

We are not worthless or useless, we are all unique and valuable to society in some way.

This is an opportunity to share the negatives and for us to help each other find ways to overcome them.

Cheers all from Mrs. Dools

Dealing with NEGATIVE emotions, thoughts, words and memories

Croix — Wed, 14 Jun 2017 10:54:21 GMT

Dear Mrs D~

I had to respond just to prove you wrong - somebody did answer in this thread:)

While I'm here I will put forward a negative set of thoughts that always cause me trouble -No News is Bad News.

I don't pretend I'm unique in this regard -far from it - and it not just a case of a mildly pessimistic 'the glass is half empty' outlook. My mind takes the opportunity in the absence of a reply or expected interaction or event to assume the worst - from the person can't be bothered or I didn't put things correctly though to the more catastrophic alternatives such as a vehicle crash.

I've sort of learned to deal with it, 9 times out of 10 I realize what is happening, know that in all probability I'm on the wrong track and just hang on doing nothing until the situation resolves. All well and good - from the outside I'm acting rationally. Unfortunately from the inside most upsetting and unpleasant - plus of course time drags. The 10th time my judgment is overborne and I act unwisely.

For some reason this does not appear to respond to long-term logical argument and the exercises suggested by my psych(s) have not been that effective. So my second negative thought is that I'll have to live with this.

I'm aware of the probable cause which is related to my past employment, however knowing that in a clinical sort of way is not a great deal of help, I have still a deal of work to do in that area.

On the brighter side the less the stress in my life the less this happens, plus I've learned not to put myself in such situations where I can, and to take any reasonable action to resolve the anxiety where appropriate.

Croix

Dealing with NEGATIVE emotions, thoughts, words and memories

topsy_ — Wed, 14 Jun 2017 11:28:15 GMT

Hi Mrs Dools,

Thank you for this thread. It's very apt in view of an occurrence in my life today.

I had a dentists appt at the local hospital at 11.30am. As it takes forever to find a park hubby & I walked out the door at 10.30.

We got to the garage & the car wouldn't start. Flat battery! So I rang the road service people who said they would be about an hour. I knew from past experience I would have to take the car for a drive to fully recharge the battery. So I wasn't going to make the dentist appt.

So I rang the booking office & explained it all. Well the lady was not happy. She told me how inconvenient that was. Couldn't I get a bus or a taxi? No - I live in a country town with very limited bus timetables. We had $9 in the bank which ruled the taxis out. So she huffed & she puffed & told me I would have to go back onto the bottom of the waiting list.

As a child I suffered years of every type of abuse from the 2 people who should have been loving & safe. I grew up believing this was all because I was/am intrinsically bad.

Lately I'd fooled myself into thinking that that belief wasn't there. But guess what thought came zooming back in after that conversation with the dental clinic lady??!!

I know logically that none of today's missed appt was my fault. It was the tone of the dental lady as much as what she said. It triggered those old ingrained tapes that go round & round in my head.

While I could realise it was incorrect I couldn't bring my feelings into line. How do I do that? Maybe someone might have some ideas.

Thanks again Mrs Dools, Lyn.

Dealing with NEGATIVE emotions, thoughts, words and memories

CMF — Wed, 14 Jun 2017 12:11:57 GMT

I am full of negative thoughts and emotions at the moment. My 2 older kids went out with their dad and his girlfriend tonight. The tld me he was saying things about me,making me look bad in front of the GF and trying to make himself look good. I already know he is like this but the hear it makes me so angry. He puts on such an act in front of others, making out i don't do things for the kids and that he does everything.; If she saw the way he treats our son on the weekends, the way he swears and calls him names she would be shocked. i wish she would see the real him. He made comments in front of her about how much child support he pays and questioning why i don't give it to them. That money is not to give to them, it is to support them, food, clothing, roof over their head. It is not pocket money for them to have. He then said 'something must be up'. He was trying to make it look like something was wrong with my life in front of here, create drama. If only she knew the truth about him, she would run, believe me. She lives interstate, He goes interstate to see her and plays tennis with her son and takes him to school. He never does that with his own son and doesn't even take him to basketball, makes him catch public transport. When it is his weekend to have the kids he has started going out with his mate and leaving them home alone at night.

I am so furious with his constant fake act that he puts on.

cmf

Dealing with NEGATIVE emotions, thoughts, words and memories

Guest_3712 — Wed, 14 Jun 2017 14:53:20 GMT

Hi Mrs D

not sure if this fits here or not.

I found myself today, not for the first time , clenching my jaw and when I looked at my hands they were in fists white knuckles and all.

why ? Fairly ordinary day I thought

Then over and over in my mind the words I used to hear a lot in hospital went on auto repeat and then I was mouthing them - no sound

i started to sweat then shake .

The words were , " Fake it till you make it " again and again .

my fear is what if I can't . I get so tired sometimes and it all becomes such an effort to pretend it's all ok so everyone else will be alright.

I can't break down again but what if I never make it ? What if it's always going to be fake

Stressless

Dealing with NEGATIVE emotions, thoughts, words and memories

Guest_829 — Wed, 14 Jun 2017 17:05:06 GMT

ive been told im negative,and what i say is negative,and the way i saw a certain thing was negative.all from the same person mind you so looking back on it im not so sure i should have remembered this all these years.i wanted to mention that many years ago there used to be a trouble maker in my work place who caused lots of disruptions and fights and trips to the office.not so much for me,but for fellow co-workers who.a whole bunch of us were told off at one time or another for something totally invented and nothing to do with us.i remember for years as i was sitting up in bed waiting to go to sleep at night i'd have imaginary arguments with this person.if they said this then i'd say that,next time they said this i would say that,all this kind of stuff,back an forth stuff you know.sometimes i'd spend a good half hour or forty minutes per night making up these possible upcoming arguments.this went on for years.i cant remember when i stopped doing this.just the other day i mentioned this to someone who was having problems with someone in their life.they said they did the same thing.it sparked off a memory for me.i used to do that kind of thing.i dont know why.must be years since ive had an imaginary argument with someone before going to sleep at night.i was wondering if anyone else did the same

Dealing with NEGATIVE emotions, thoughts, words and memories

Doolhof — Wed, 14 Jun 2017 21:46:34 GMT

Hi Croix,

I have similar issues. If my husband says he will be home at 5.30 p.m. and he is not yet home by 6.00 p.m. I start to panic. I see him having had an accident. That he is all smashed up in hospital and so on. The mind can take us from a little concern to a huge catastrophe in a moment.

For me it is trying to nip those thoughts in the bud before they start to increase. I try to reason what might have happened. With my husband I know that he tries to do a hundred things when he is out when he only has time to do 10 things, hence him being late.

Are there things you can do to help yourself feel better? For me I phone my husband (He has hands free in the car)

If you were to stop and think about the situation and rationalise how likely a negative outcome maybe does that help? As you mentioned your working background has given you experiences where things did go wrong from the sounds of it, so your mind expects the negatives I suppose.

My psychologist is trying to teach me a 6 point theory in working out my thoughts. I can't even work out the theory! Ha. Ha. Maybe that it is the answer, distraction to take me away from my thoughts!

Even though we are given these formulas to use, it does not always seem to be the first thing we reach for when hassled by negative thoughts. Is that true for you?

Thanks for joining in Croix, from Mrs. D.

Dealing with NEGATIVE emotions, thoughts, words and memories

blondguy — Wed, 14 Jun 2017 21:53:53 GMT

Hi Mrs Dools

Great post by the way.

Ive been working on negative thoughts as well. For years.

Its probably simplistic but sometimes I just think to myself 'In 100 years no one will care less about my woes'

Its taken me decades to understand that worrying about something I cant control is a waste of my mental energy

I still see my GP every month for a 'tune up' incase my thinking goes 'off course' 🙂

Be gentle with yourself

Paul

Dealing with NEGATIVE emotions, thoughts, words and memories

Doolhof — Wed, 14 Jun 2017 22:04:51 GMT

Hi CMF,

Sorry to read your ex said such horrible things to impress his new girlfriend. It is really hard to understand why a person who has been mean and nasty to one person can be a totally different person with someone else.

The main thing is CMF how you feel about yourself and your children. You know what you are doing for them, you are trying your best to support them. You know where the money needs to be spent so they are well cared for and their needs attended to.

Would it help you to write out how you feel about this guy, write every hurtful emotion and detail, then rip up the paper and throw it in the bin. Somehow you need to let go of all that anger and negativity otherwise it is going to eat you up. I know from experience it is not easy to find ways to let go, but it is so beneficial if you can!

Hope this helps a little. Others may have ideas and suggestions as well.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

Dealing with NEGATIVE emotions, thoughts, words and memories

Doolhof — Wed, 14 Jun 2017 22:14:22 GMT

Hi Stressless,

You are more than welcome here to express yourself, and yes, what you have written does fit very well. It sounds like your thoughts and emotions certainly take a hold of you in a very physical way.

Do you feel yourself building up to this state, or are you suddenly aware you are so highly strung? (please take my ideas and suggestions as that of a fellow sufferer not a specialist in any way! Ha. Ha.) Are there ways you can take notice of starting to feel so tense and ease off before it becomes so bad?

I too have heard that "fake it till you make it" and sayings like "build a bridge and get over it" and so on. In some ways those sayings may help to a certain degree, but I also wonder if we keep thinking like that if the issues just compound because we have not dealt with them?

If you don't mind me asking, are you still seeing a mental health professional of some kind whom you can talk to?

I also find writing stuff down on paper helps me immensely. You can write what ever you need to, then rip it up and destroy it. Gets those issues out of your head for a while and may help you see some truth and positivity.

Does deep breathing when so anxious help you Stressless?

Thinking happy thoughts, putting a smile on our faces does help, maybe you need more help as well to get you through.

Cheers to you from Mrs. Dools

Dealing with NEGATIVE emotions, thoughts, words and memories

Doolhof — Wed, 14 Jun 2017 22:21:36 GMT

Hi mykl,

I'm sure many of us ruminate and go over and over things that people have said to us or situations that have happened. Funny thing is how the brain seems to remember the negatives in high definition, while most of the happy and joyous occasions are forgotten or hard to recall.

There have been many times when I have considered past experiences like the one you mentioned. I try to stop myself from dwelling on the negatives. It doesn't always work though!

I also try to not let the negatives have a lasting impact on the relationship I have with the person who has spoken those words to me. I am more wary of them, and consider what I say to them and how I allow their future words to affect me.

There are some people in our lives whom we have to keep in contact with for one reason or another. I just need to work on how I react to their words. It is my choice how I accept their words. (So the psych tells me!)

Cheers form Mrs. Dools

Dealing with NEGATIVE emotions, thoughts, words and memories

Guest_3712 — Wed, 14 Jun 2017 23:48:00 GMT

Hi Mrs D

Most of the time I am quiet surprised to find I am 'white knuckling it'. I guess that is the faking it part and yes by doing this you are putting off the inevitable explosion from constantly pushing these feelings down.

yes I am still seeing psych, ( maybe ,-not sure after incident last week see my post in embarrassing , funny things in sessions- staying well ) and as a rule he has a calming effect on me. Having been hospitalised many times I have learnt lots of coping strategies and if I feel the stress building I can divert . Previously meds were my go to but have recently stopped all but my A/ D's

I guess the question I always seem to be asking myself is this it? Is this as good as it gets? So much of my old life I would never re- visit but I really miss a lot of it and the 'What If's " drive me crazy.

Then I hammer myself with, " there are plenty of people worse off, or "Count your blessings, or "be grateful for what you have " and the list and the anxieties go on and no and on.

Hope every one has a 'stressless ' day

Be kind to your self

Stressless

Dealing with NEGATIVE emotions, thoughts, words and memories

CMF — Thu, 15 Jun 2017 04:26:56 GMT

Hi Mrs D,

Yes he definitely puts on a show in front of his GF's. The last Gf he did the same. Our daughter was going on school campo and wanted a particular pair of pj's that were at his house as they were really warm and fluffy. s

She rang him and asked if he could drop them off, which he couldn't. He then made a point of ringing me to discuss, the Gf was in the car, i can always tell as his whole tone changes - he speaks very politely and friendly, part of the act. We were discussing the pj's and he said to me ' she says she has no pj's just go and buy her some.' He said it a way that he felt sorry for me, like i needed to be told what she needs and he made it out in front of the GF that I won't buy my daughter PJ's. I pointed out that she has lots of pj's but wanted that particular pair for camp. He did the same thing over a pair of shoes she left at his house, he rang me and said,'just buy her some shoes' as if she had no shoes at all.. It is quite embarrassing.

Writing it down and throwing it out is a great idea, I used to do this in the past and it does help.

My ex husband is all about show. Tells people things to make himself look good but actually twists the truth quite considerably.

Dealing with NEGATIVE emotions, thoughts, words and memories

Doolhof — Thu, 15 Jun 2017 07:40:12 GMT

Hi Stressless,

The "What If" questions and the "Is this it ?" statements are hard to take at times aren't they! I'm sure lots of us have those moments.

Are there things you can do differently to help each day feel more productive, more acceptable, more pleasurable? I know how frustrating it can be when you get to the end of the day and you think to yourself, "Okay. So that is that I guess. This day is done. Not much to talk about really.

Then like you wrote, your mind tells you stuff like there are people really suffering out there and you should be thankful. Yes we are a lot better off than millions of people, it is when we don't feel like we have a purpose or self worth that we think the day was pointless. That is how I think anyway.

I will go and read your story in the psych thread. I see my lady at the end of the month so will see how that goes.

Today I was volunteering in the Op Shop and felt like I had a sense of purpose and belonging. Some days I really wish I had a paid job where I could feel the same things!

Hope you have an okay kind of a day tomorrow!

Cheers from Mrs. Dools

Dealing with NEGATIVE emotions, thoughts, words and memories

Doolhof — Thu, 15 Jun 2017 07:43:25 GMT

Hi Paul,

Telling ourselves not to be bothered by negative thoughts works sometimes, then now and then they seem to be overwhelming at times.

Quite often we don't need to wait 100 years for our problems to be of any importance to anyone else, sometimes that can happen immediately. Ha. Ha.

Trying to find ways to defuse the negatives before they become all powerful is important for us all.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts here Paul.

Cheers to you from Mrs. D.

Dealing with NEGATIVE emotions, thoughts, words and memories

Doolhof — Thu, 15 Jun 2017 07:53:34 GMT

Hi CMF

Hope you have paper and pen ready to write down all of those negative thoughts and emotions!

Years ago I was involved in sessions dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder, another little party trick my mind has developed!

Anyway, during one session we had to visualise writing down our negative thoughts, behaviours, emotions or what ever was bothering us and dispose of them somehow. After the instructor led us through that visualisation we were asked to express how we saw the exercise in our mind.

For me, in my imagination, I had written all my thoughts onto bits of paper, these were being held by black ants standing up on two legs, holding the papers aloft while surfing on leaves floating down a rippling river.

Maybe you could try some visualisation techniques as well.

I can still see those ants in my mind right now!

Until we try something we don't know if it will help or not.

Cheers for now from Mrs. D.

Dealing with NEGATIVE emotions, thoughts, words and memories

Croix — Thu, 15 Jun 2017 08:58:52 GMT

Dear Mrs D~

Thanks for thinking about this. I'm sorry you suffer from a similar thing.

I'm afraid rationalizing will stop me most often from taking a hasty action but not prevent the thought process -though this results in me appearing normal, looking ok from the outside is good I guess.

I do try to take action where I think it will be OK, your example of your husband is a good one, though I try not to ask too often, don't want to appear to be keeping tabs or controlling. Normally it's just a question of just hanging on -sigh.

I've had the write them all down and dispose of them technique shown to me and tried it for quite some time. Was actual pen and paper, not ants. Frankly I got a bit depressed writing down all those things but persevered. No go, I guess I'm just difficult.

I find distraction is a big help, as is the Smiling Mind app and trying to reduce background stress via lifestyle. Must not forget exercise.

I guess you have your work cut out for you now - lots of replies to respond to - and you thought you might not get anything 🙂

I'm very glad you have the op-shop plus the fire authority to give companionship, worth and a little balance.

Croix

Dealing with NEGATIVE emotions, thoughts, words and memories

topsy_ — Thu, 15 Jun 2017 09:13:24 GMT

😱😰

Dealing with NEGATIVE emotions, thoughts, words and memories

Croix — Thu, 15 Jun 2017 09:49:49 GMT

Dear Lyn~

My steam-driven machine has trouble with icons so I can see you put them there but don't know what they said - ah well.

That lady in the dental office needed an empathy transplant. Why do so many see it as their mission in life to exercise borrowed power and make others uncomfortable. Making life easier for others feels good, so why not.

I think anyone would have a hard time dealing with that lady. I hope your car is in a better state soon and another appointment doesn't take too long..

Croix (who can mail his teeth in for a service 🙂

Dealing with NEGATIVE emotions, thoughts, words and memories

Doolhof — Thu, 15 Jun 2017 21:23:46 GMT

Hi Croix,

My husband is used to me phoning him, I tell him I just need to know where he is as it helps with my depression and Borderline Personality Disorder. He seems to understand that. Usually now, he will phone me to let me know he is caught up somewhere. Occasionally he doesn't phone and that is when the mind starts to roll.

I also understand that writing down the negative stuff can cause hurt and pain. I have neglected to mention that I also try to find positives to write down. It doesn't have to be about that particular issue, just in general. I also try to find something distracting and positive to do after such a session.

Sudoku is great for me as I can't concentrate on the puzzle and my negative thoughts at the same time.

Maybe a distraction after the writing would be helpful, even if you draw ants, love harts or what ever all over the paper when you have finished to help defuse the hurt you have written about.

I had another lovely day volunteering in the Op Shop. We are a mixed bunch of people working there, have a few laughs along the way, children to interact with in the shop now and then and a chance for some decent chats as well while sorting out stuff. Volunteering can be very rewarding.

It is almost the weekend, any plans Croix? We are going to the indoor carpet bowls tonight, I watch and cheer everyone on while my husband plays. Saturday night we have friends coming for dinner and Sunday is Church day.

Cheers to you from Mrs. D.