topic Trust strangers at your peril in Staying well

Trust strangers at your peril

white knight — Sun, 20 Aug 2017 08:18:32 GMT

A very negative topic but one of reality for in my 61 years I've taken notice of the attitude of some people, that of, not trusting anyone until they prove themselves, as being not the right way to go.

But now,I understand, we need to self preserve our hearts. Trusting people that you dont know well isnt wise and hurt comes when they go "MIA".

Lets clarify this. There are givers and takers in this world with a sliding scale between them. The danger I find is those that wear the mask of a giver but after a long association with me the realisation sets in...they are a taker. So whats the threat level of this? Only disappointment. Its like "will the real person please stand up"!

So what I'm eluding to is the world of the mask.

" they seek him here, they seek him there...they seek him everywhere. Is he in heaven, or is he in hell?...that damned elusive...pimpernell..."

Its the masquerade that I find intolerable but its different to friendship of the type like a weighing scale

Topic: the weighing scale of friendships- beyondblue

In that thread I highlighted how my family had developed an unsatisfactory trait, of "Ive visited your place 5 times this year but you've been here just once". What Im talking about here is the bare level of expectations of a friendship or a developing one.

So, back to the sliding scale. There are friends and family. Friends should exist at the start if the scale. Up until recently new friends held a position just near family on that "slider". How unwise. 95% chance of them sliding down that scale so why put them up so high at the beginning?....I know why, it isnt just benefit of the doubt, more like a situation of letting my heart rule my head.

The danger of this is the hurt returning time after time. The positive is that one in 50 become lifelong friends that always remember "you always trusted me, how could I not love you".

Sadly with mental illness that can include high hurt levels through disappointment, one must enter the fortress for when one lacks wisdom in any field one needs to develop an alternative. No natural crutch?, buy a wheelchair.

Topic: fortress of survival- beyondblue

There is little chance of anything good coming out of such disappointment of a failed friendship. Internal words like "their loss", doesnt "cut the mustard".

So my advice for readers that get hurt often by friends that dont return the bare basics of care a friend should show in times of need, check your values.

Protect your heart. Sadly

Tony WK

Trust strangers at your peril

BballJ — Sun, 20 Aug 2017 12:53:50 GMT

Hi white knight,

Very interesting post, one I can relate to on many levels. I don't know if I have more to add to this but wanted to say a great write up and got me thinking that is for sure.

My best,

Jay

Trust strangers at your peril

Guest_3072 — Tue, 22 Aug 2017 01:51:58 GMT

Hi white knight,

Thanks for that write up! I guess that it's something that I can relate to, in the sense of looking back on different acquaintances, wishing that I never told them certain things about myself. Sometimes, it has backfired with me feeling or being judged with something that happened in the past but on the other hand, I guess it's a tough thing, wanted to be accepted but also wanting to share who you really are and delving into something deeper than just a superficial friendship. I'm just rambling on a bit, don't mind me.

But thanks for your post, it's something I've seen in other people's lives as well. Where they have been betrayed out of selfishness and the hurt can take a while when wanting to open up and develop new relationships.

Gabby

Trust strangers at your peril

Sad_Puppy_Dog — Tue, 22 Aug 2017 07:11:33 GMT

I think this will be a case right now of me acknowledging the point of the post with an intention to elaborate another time when my mind is ready. But I very much relate to this.

One of the biggest factors with what I am going through is a high degree of abandonment that I feel and also legitimately believe IS real (Some genuine betrayals too) and not just perceived through the fog of mental illness.

Through ex partners (the most devastating of all), friends, professional peers and colleagues, even inquiry emails to businesses that all do not get responded, ignored or contact just simply dormant and you're alone, I have noticed this mounting up, one more to the current list, then another that affects me SO deeply and makes one frightened and backed into a corner, wondering who to trust with me as a person and my sensitive nature, let alone discussing my depression/anxiety?

And sometimes I flip flop. After some disappointments and betrayals I have tried to tell myself that just because this person "turned" it doesn't mean everyone else will. I have to give them a chance. And at the same time, there is self preservation, being fearful to let people in again to avoid getting hurt again...but feeling so alone in the process anyway. So in THAT situation, you just can't win.

Ugh.

Trust strangers at your peril

white knight — Wed, 23 Aug 2017 06:06:59 GMT

Hi spd

Yes being torn between your head and your heart is annoying. I suppose the heart wins and the risk comes.

You might be interested in googling this

Topic: fortress of survival - beyondblue

Tony WK

Trust strangers at your peril

CMF — Wed, 23 Aug 2017 06:15:28 GMT

Hi Tony,

I too do not have much to add to a great topic but this really made me sit up and pay attention;

' The danger I find is those that wear the mask of a giver but after a long association with me the realisation sets in...they are a taker'

Very dangerous because before we know it we are caught in their web, not realising what is happening.

Good one

cmf

Trust strangers at your peril

white knight — Fri, 25 Aug 2017 14:04:31 GMT

Hi CMF

my wife has a girlfriend. She is single and lives nearby in our small country Victorian town.

Anyway for the last 3 years my wife has been running her around to doctors and hospitals even to Melbourne 2 hours away for various medical issues.

But lixal hospitals are starting to turn her away. It seems she is exaggerating her symptoms. One hospital is niw charging her a fee.

Anyways she's turned into a taker. The first words she says upon entering our home is "no I'm not too good". She never asks how we are and when we mention we are oll she goes quiet then starts on herself again.

I think human nature in some people is self centred. No one else matters...

Tony WK

Trust strangers at your peril

startingnew — Sun, 10 Sep 2017 09:02:10 GMT

HI Tony WK and everyone

i like what has been written here in accordance to friendships.

has anyone got any tips on how to trust in general. most know my story and extensive trauma and issues but it would be nice to have relationships on all levels between friendships, family relationships, intimate relationships etc but its hard when i really find it hard to trust anyone and it takes so very long to trust people and most of the time they betray it sooo...

any tips on how to trust people at all?

Trust strangers at your peril

white knight — Sun, 10 Sep 2017 10:03:29 GMT

Hi SN, thanks for replying

Funny enough, I have the same problem. I'd rather be lonely than be in the company I cant trust.

Let focus on what we cant do. We cant see inside peoples heads, trust their word, know their REAL thoughts, know all of their history, believe what they say, know of alterior motives etc

I wrote a book once called "grey hair and smiling faces" it hasnt been published but it is about how when you a grey headed manwas someone I could trust and if he smiled he was even more trustworthy. Not so.

So I cant offer advice SN. Just be careful and take your time.

Tony WK

Trust strangers at your peril

startingnew — Sun, 10 Sep 2017 23:39:24 GMT

yes that is true

its better to be alone than to be with people you feel you cant trust

hopefully trusting others will one day become easier but its not easy to learn to trust again when theres extensive trauma and/or life circumstances that force us not to trust people

Trust strangers at your peril

white knight — Mon, 11 Sep 2017 00:09:10 GMT

Hi SN

I am the same. Lifes events,extreme sensitivity, nasty comments....all result in a barrier being raised.

The easiest answer to this is to not chase trust in people but to be comfortable within your own company, keep acquaintances going but not expect it to turn into real close friends.

Let it come naturally

Tony WK

Trust strangers at your peril

startingnew — Mon, 11 Sep 2017 00:22:11 GMT

thanks Tony

it just gets really lonley being by myself all the time

Trust strangers at your peril

white knight — Mon, 11 Sep 2017 06:53:58 GMT

Hi SN.

After 4 long term relationships Ive had a few years here and there on my own and I couldnt stand it.

Life is easier with someone, my wife and I dibide our vhotes and other responsibilities evenly, however would I find that again if something happened to her?. Likely not.

So if that occured I'd have a life alone.

Sn, life is not easy. Fill it with activity, its the best way out if boredom

Tony WK

Trust strangers at your peril

startingnew — Mon, 11 Sep 2017 09:37:42 GMT

ive only had two relationships really and the longest for me was only a month or 2.

im not really bored through the day, i think i ahve enough to do inlcuding study, 2 jobs and family responsibilities.

thank you for your advice

Trust strangers at your peril

Guest_128 — Mon, 11 Sep 2017 10:39:03 GMT

TRUST NOBODY

Trust strangers at your peril

CMF — Mon, 11 Sep 2017 12:10:10 GMT

Hey SN and a wave to Tony and Dory,

i feel lonely a lot too. Weekends are the hardest, but as you have all said, better than being with someone you don't trust or in my case someone I can't handle being around. I'll take loneliness anyway, I wish I had taken it years ago but i failed to see or accept that the behaviour was not on.

I like meeting people but not interested in being in a relationship with someone else, even though I am wiser, I don't want to go through it again. I like my own company, guess it will have to do.

Trust strangers at your peril

startingnew — Mon, 11 Sep 2017 12:18:08 GMT

Hi CMF

I avoid people who upset me too hard though considering i live with them. But it really does get lonley and feels really isolating when people say they have this friend or that friends or they are dating etc and it like oh hey yeah um i dont have any of that.

makes for a lonely and isolating way to live when you have no one in a room fulm of people doesnt kt

Trust strangers at your peril

startingnew — Mon, 11 Sep 2017 12:18:44 GMT

Oops *it

Trust strangers at your peril

white knight — Thu, 03 May 2018 01:00:25 GMT

Trusting people?

At what point do you the reader begin to trust someone.

We've had a reply here from GUEST_128 saying "TRUST NOBODY", which might seem over the top but then again, such a person might feel very safe and isn't that a priority?

What is your idea of trust? Have you trusted and it's collapsed? Do your associations with others have a system whereby they must perform through hoops and hurdles before you trust them?

I really would like to know.

Tony WK

Trust strangers at your peril

bronte — Thu, 31 May 2018 03:33:02 GMT

Hi all,

This is my first post but have found reading this forum very interesting.

I too have been in a 3 year relationship that I recently ended. My ex partner was wearing the mask of a giver, over time the mask slipped slowly and sadly the relationship suffered as a result. The mask slipped when i lost my job and became unemployed.

I have been seeing a wonderful psycologist that has assisted me to get up and going again. I am now living with family which is a blessing but I am suffering from lonliness.

I am in my mid 50's, new town, looking for work and trying to get going with life again.

Don't give up your trust of people, there are good people out there.

Keep up all your encouraging posts they are refreshing to read.

Bronte 🙂