topic Share your stories on forging your own path. in Staying well

Share your stories on forging your own path.

Guest_322 — Wed, 03 May 2017 22:55:54 GMT

Hi everyone,

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about expectation, choice, conventional and non-conventional paths. I was hesitant to put up this thread but here it goes...

My personal thought is that even in this day and age, there's often an implicit expectation that everyone gets married, has kids and has a full-time 9-5 job. Don't get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with getting married, having kids or a 9-5 job. That's not what I'm talking about here.

The point that I'm trying to make is what suits one may not do another. And I think we can sometimes do a major disservice- even with the best intentions and even if it's accidental- to each other when we pressure others to follow a certain path.

It's not always explicit pressure, it's often implied e.g. with comments like "when you get married" where the assumption is you will get married. Never mind that maybe some people don't want to get married, don't believe in marriage or can't get married in Australia in the case of the LBGTI community. I would suggest saying "if you get married" instead.

I feel that my point isn't about getting married or not getting married; I feel my point is about how everyone has their own path to follow and that we shouldn't make assumptions about other people. I know it might seem petty that I'm commenting on "if" versus "should" but the difference between those 2 words holds immense power in my opinion.

Anyway, now that I've gotten that off my chest...I really want to hear from the round pegs in a square hole.

Please share your stories about the road less travelled- the obstacles, pressures as well as triumphs you had to overcome to pursue your path

Dottie xxx

I feel as though I could learn something from you guys. And I feel others could too.

Share your stories on forging your own path.

Guest_322 — Wed, 03 May 2017 23:00:35 GMT

*Please share your stories about the road less travelled- the obstacles and pressures you had to overcome as well as triumphs in pursuing your own path.

Dottie x

P.S. This is what I get for being lazy at editing my own posts haha.

Share your stories on forging your own path.

blondguy — Wed, 03 May 2017 23:05:44 GMT

Hi Dottie. Another great post!

I used to worry a lot about being on my own until my GP asked me if I was contented with my own company.

I replied 'Yes I am' Having anxiety and then depression made having a quality relationship difficult as we do restrict ourselves having a mental illness in order to cope.

Taking life less seriously and terminating being a perfectionist was a huge breakthrough for myself. There is still lingering low level anxiety but the high expectations of a partner can be a stress in itself

Always great to see you Dottie

My Best Always

Paulx

Share your stories on forging your own path.

CMF — Wed, 03 May 2017 23:34:21 GMT

Great one Dottie,

I have certainly gone against the grain in many ways. I've now reached a point in my life where i realise i am doing the best i can with what i was given. People who judge do not know our journey our whole story, what we have been through to get where we are.We are trying to be the best we can with what we have.

Cmf

Share your stories on forging your own path.

james1 — Wed, 03 May 2017 23:57:42 GMT

Hey Dottie,

I like this thread!

For me, I definitely struggle a lot in terms of finding my own way because of my struggle with my identity...and what others think of me.

So a couple for me:

Cultural background - I've really had to just break stereotypes here because having Chinese heritage but being born in Aus in a very Caucasian area has been pretty difficult. Not in the racism kind of way (it's certainly been there - I've just gotten used to it), but rather for me to know who I am. I have aspects of both so I don't fully fit into either culturally, which causes a bit of resentment on my part. So for me, it's just a matter of breaking stereotypes so I can learn to accept this combination of cultural influences on me, and not have it affect my friendships or relationships (which it currently does).
My odd personality - so I'm mega childish at times, and at others I'm the exact opposite. This causes me a lot of grief because my not childish side is often trying to curb the childish, saying that adults don't do that and people will judge. So for me, I just try to ignore both myself and what others are thinking by listening to music and doing whatever it is strikes my fancy. Whether it's walking around barefoot, walking on people's brick fences, jumping from square to square on the pavement avoiding cracks or taking my bird on a bike ride...the more I expose myself to judgment, hopefully the more I get used to it.

Lol okay I'm tired now. But thanks for putting this thread up 🙂

James

Share your stories on forging your own path.

Just Sara — Thu, 04 May 2017 00:31:47 GMT

Good morning Dottie;

Another thought provoking thread; well done!

The road less traveled is usually, as you say, in opposition to social norms and expectations. I've never really been one to follow these and tend to do my own thing. In saying this though, it has gotten me into some dicey situations.

What seems to be at the core, is being swayed by the pain/problems of others. It comes from a childhood in feeling unduly responsible or feeling the need to take over from toxic authority figures I encountered; protecting siblings or those I felt were vulnerable. Following my own path seemed to be aligned with that.

I'm beginning to understand my path is within me; promoting me first and foremost. This has been a trial and error journey where I still at times put myself at risk for others. I'm comprehending though, that stepping back and allowing people to face life on their own terms is congruent to peace in my world.

It's not easy when people get used to my full support, then when I step back they feel rejected or lash out. When I put myself on the line in sympathy, I neglect me.

I'm learning and that's what counts.

Sara :-]

Share your stories on forging your own path.

Just Sara — Thu, 04 May 2017 00:55:38 GMT

Just wanted to add; forgiving myself and learning from my mistakes is at the heart of my progress. Sara x

Share your stories on forging your own path.

Quercus — Thu, 04 May 2017 01:49:09 GMT

Hi Dottie,

This is a really useful idea for a thread.

Expectation. Such a painful word.

Every person is different and learning that there is nothing wrong with that is incredibly difficult.

I chose a science degree even though I had no interest in it because "art degrees won't get you a job". Funny that I don't feel satisfied in the work I do. It doesn't suit me deep down.

We live in a competitive word and I don't have a competitive mindset at all.

I spent years feeling like there was something wrong with me because I don't like the things other people like to do. I'm happy at home. I don't like the rush and bustle of the city. I have absolutely zero inclination to go out to concerts or clubs or busy places.

But there's nothing wrong with that. I am nothing more than just my own person. Accepting this is my work in progress.

I had a discussion with my hisband recently and worked out my biggest problem is that I get confused and exhausted and overanalyze everything I do. Am I doing this because I want to or because I feel I have to?

Thanks for the thread Dottie. Very interesting.

Share your stories on forging your own path.

Guest_322 — Fri, 05 May 2017 05:29:26 GMT

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for sharing your insight and personal stories 😊

Paul, hey, it sounds like you're doing well travelling solo. I'm glad you're content in your own company.

Ah, I agree that a sense of humour can be very helpful (why so serious, right? 100 BB points if anyone gets my movie reference haha).

CMF, I like what you said:

People who judge do not know our journey our whole story, what we have been through to get where we are.We are trying to be the best we can with what we have.

I completely agree. To each, their own. As long as no one is hurt because of our choices, each life is our own to live on our own terms.

James, I really got a lot out of reading your post. It must have been/be hard to personally define your cultural identity. Racism is disgusting and stereotypes are awful.

I feel as though you're still finding your place between multiple cultures. It must be very confusing, and I bet you feel conflicted at times too.

"Odd personality" huh? Well, I personally like how you can let go of your inhibitions like a child as well as have the poise of someone much older. I say go for it and continue avoiding pavement cracks, jumping on footpaths, etc. If it gives you joy, ignore the naysayers. It's not really their business anyway. It's a pretty sad life to live if they spend it judging others.

Keep being you, James.

Dottie x

Share your stories on forging your own path.

Guest_322 — Fri, 05 May 2017 05:53:06 GMT

Hi there,

Again, thank you for popping in and sharing your insight and stories 😊

Sara, you're definitely learning and have come a long way. That's for sure.

It seems like you're learning to let go. Letting others make their own mistakes, fight their own battles and steer their own course has been very liberating for you.

I mean, I'm sure still care, support and love many of these people. But the difference now is you realise its their fight at the end of the day, and you're recognising boundaries. Btw this is just my interpretation of your post so I'm not sure if that's what you meant.

It's great that you're evolving and learning to put yourself first. You're looking after you. Seems as though you've found that oxygen mask...and I'm glad you're learning from past mistakes as well as learning to forgive and nurture yourself. Here's to progress...

Quercus, I like this:

Am I doing this because I want to or because I feel I have to?

I think it's the million dollar question that you've asked. (Fulfilling) expectations versus choice indeed.

In this instance, I don't think you're "overanalysing", I think you've asked a very important question. And I bet many people do the things they do out of ingrained expectations that they mistake/confuse for their own choice. Actually, I think part of the problem is not enough people ask themselves that question.

It must have been/be very frustrating to feel so at odds with typical conventions or trying to be (so-called) "practical" e.g. science degree over an arts degree.

But I'm glad you seem to have come to a place of acceptance- even if it's not a complete acceptance- that you are who you are. And that you don't always like what many others like or see the world as they do. But that's okay.

Beauty in difference.

Dottie x

Share your stories on forging your own path.

james1 — Fri, 05 May 2017 06:02:38 GMT

Hey Dottie,

Absolutely no pressure whatsoever - I notice you haven't said much about your own journey, though it's clear it's something that's been bothering you for a while.

If you don't mind me asking - what about you? I get the feeling you're struggling with expectations and conventions as well and making ground but perhaps not as much as you'd like?

James

Share your stories on forging your own path.

Guest_322 — Fri, 05 May 2017 06:03:23 GMT

James, seeing as you mentioned stereotypes, I wanted to add that I think stereotypes are dangerous. The sad part is people being stereotyped shouldn't have to work to "break them", I feel it's the people making those stereotypes who need to actually get to know individuals and not lump them into a monolithic entity. Granted, that's an ideal world and our world is hardly ideal (sighs).

Dottie x

Anyway, thanks again for your post. Always appreciated.

Share your stories on forging your own path.

Guest_322 — Fri, 05 May 2017 06:44:20 GMT

Hi James,

Thanks for asking. I don't mind explaining my process a bit.

For me, it's more trying to figure out what I want. Quercus' question really hit home.

A lot of people in my immediate and extended family are utterly miserable because they made choices where their rationale was "well, that's just what you do."And it scares the living daylights out of me that I could end up like them. Making choices to conform rather than a genuine commitment to a decision.

Where I'm currently at is mentally assessing and reassessing to figure out what I want and don't want. In short, still figuring it out...

Dottie x

Share your stories on forging your own path.

Just Sara — Fri, 05 May 2017 08:24:24 GMT

Could I get in on the 'What do I want?' issue please?

Of all the questions I've confronted myself with over the yrs, asking what I wanted was by far the hardest.

When we're kids, wanting stuff seemed our birthright, but as we got older, we started to grasp we had to earn or work for those things.

In my last job, I had a manager who was quick to turn the tables on staff. When we had an idea, he'd pass it straight back to us for research, resources/budget and creating an action plan. Then we'd have to take it to him for consideration. This was a lot of work, so as time passed, nobody offered up ideas anymore.

What I got from this, was 'ideas are great if I'm willing to put the time/effort in, otherwise, accept and improve what already exists'.

Kids ask for lemonade, but have water on tap in front of them. They want cupcakes with swirls of salted caramel from the store, while mum has home made Anzac cookies in the pantry.

We want to get married, but it has to be in a Vera Wang gown and white stallions pulling the 4 black carriages with the 20+ wedding party; the cost of which could be a deposit on a new home.

We want peace, but won't put aside 1 hr to take a drive to a lake with a peanut butter sandwich and feed the ducks the crusts.

Our pantries are full of processed garbage, while fresh fruit and veggies rot in the fridge crisper.

My sister wanted to be a millionaire; after discussion she realized what she really wanted, was financial security.

Have we lost sight of what hard work and commitment can achieve? Why aren't the basics enough anymore? The 'Easy Life' seems to be wrapped up in consumerism and keeping up with the Jones's.

Many of the older generation will be quick to comprehend the gravity of this issue, while young'ns don't understand - when they're told to put a jumper on because it's cold, a brand name is just as handy as one knitted by their Nan.

Am I the only one who wants the simple life back? Because the 'Easy Life' isn't so bloody easy after-all.

Sara x

Share your stories on forging your own path.

Guest_322 — Fri, 05 May 2017 08:57:46 GMT

Hi Sara,

Thank you for your post but I feel extremely confused by it at the same time.

I feel as though you have possibly misinterpreted my last post. I wasn't talking about "want" in terms of material things or anything like that.

I was talking more about my own personal beliefs and values. I meant what I want and don't want in the context of living a life in accordance with my own values and beliefs. I wasn't taking about material things.

when they're told to put a jumper on because it's cold, a brand name is just as handy as one knitted by their Nan.

Maybe this is the case and maybe it isn't but I feel that is a sweeping generalisation of the younger generations. Sure, some will turn their noses up at it but others won't. I mean, I don't feel you can really put all young people into the "category" anymore than older people should be put in another "category."

Dottie x

Share your stories on forging your own path.

Guest_322 — Fri, 05 May 2017 09:06:07 GMT

Sara,

I'm genuinely puzzled by your last post. I thought the underlying topics of this thread was choice versus expectation (and not in terms of material goods) so I'm really not sure where you're coming from and hope you can elaborate.

Thanks,

Dottie x

Share your stories on forging your own path.

CMF — Fri, 05 May 2017 10:49:09 GMT

I'd like to share my story.

My parents were European and i was brought up a catholic. The way it worked was that you went to school, worked, got married, bought a house, travelled(maybe)and had kids. This was the order in which things were done. I had a few boyfriends along the way. When i was 18 i was madly in love only to have my heart broken at 19 , become single again and have my aunty ask my mum 'Why can't she met someone". Nevertheless i followed the path and the way 'things were done'. Everything was ok until the marriage turned rocky and after following the path and 2 kids later i found myself separating from my husband and becoming a single mum. Ys the questions came out 'why?', 'can't you sort it out?'. No we couldn't sort it out and even though i wasn't the first in my extended family to separate i still felt like a black sheep. After separating i met someone else. We 'dated' for 2 years, he never met my family or my kids as he thought my kids shouldn't know, shouldn't be exposed so i went along with what he wanted and then things turned sour. On the verge of a breakup i found i was pregnant. So now i am divorced, single mum, pregnant in a failing relationship and my family don't know him. We decided to have the child (he is pro life) despite our rocky relationship and i trusted him when he said we would be ok and we would work things out.I had to tell my family, he was forced to meet them. Later he became verbally abusive,nasty all through my pregnancy couldn't tell me if he was going to be around or not. Fast forward baby is born he is not around much, still verbally abusive walks in and out of our lives when he feels like it and thinks this is ok. I have gone against the grain in every way possible. I've had to fend for myself, deal with gossiping behind my back bring up 3 kids pretty much on my own. I've realised now that i have done and am doing the best i can with an imperfect situation. I no longer care what others think, i care about my kids being happy and loved and supported. I do what i need to do for myself and not what others think i should doing as others don't truly know my journey. They don't know the stress, the anguish, the hurt, the verbal abuse that i have endured to get to this point. This point is where i know i am a good person, a worthy person,i am not the awful things i have been called, i have gone against everything i was brought up to believe in but i am grateful for all i have and i still pray to God.

cmf x

Share your stories on forging your own path.

Just Sara — Fri, 05 May 2017 11:31:05 GMT

Thankyou so much Dottie! It's great to be challenged. You are of course correct about values/beliefs/ choice/expectations. And; thanks for being honest, open and courageous enough to confront me. So proud of you...

I apologise for the confusion hun; it was in no way aimed at you. I began writing and was lost in words that meant a great deal to me. I miss simple concepts and having a couple of choices...nurse or personal assistant. My poor mind wants simple. No games or pretense.

I'm sorry to all reading as well. I'll leave things here and walk away with my tail between my legs. Having a MI is sometimes embarrassing and a little humiliating. Filtering my words and dissociation isn't as it used to be. Making decisions; problem solving; it's hard sometimes.

Sorry...I want to be normal too.

Sara x

Share your stories on forging your own path.

Guest_322 — Fri, 05 May 2017 12:13:47 GMT

Hi everyone,

CMF, wow, thanks for sharing some of your journey. You've certainly encountered many obstacles along the way. I think each struggle was painful and difficult enough as it was/is without people- like the gossipers you mentioned or the people who judged you for making the decision to separate.

You're clearly a very strong, resilient person who has faced/continues facing many adversities. Your girls are lucky to be able to call you "mum." Your self determination as well as your love for them comes across loud and clear.

I agree that you're definitely not whatever awful things you have been called. Sometimes- not that it's ever an excuse- I think miserable or insecure people need to tear others down to feel good about themselves. That's on them, not you.

Sara, it's okay. Don't worry about it. There's no need to apologise. All is well.

I hear what you're saying about how you're feeling re: your last post but there's no need to "walk away with my (your) tail between my legs." You're always welcome to post here if you like. I'm not saying you have to- no pressure- but it's an open invitation 😉

I miss simple concepts and having a couple of choices...nurse or personal assistant. My poor mind wants simple. No games or pretense.

There, I think you articulated your thoughts very well. Sometimes I forget the impact that disassociation has on you. I think you're doing the best you can and you just wanted to express something that you felt strongly about in your other post. Good on you for still trying to reach out, support and share you thoughts.

Love ya,

Dottie xxx

Share your stories on forging your own path.

CMF — Fri, 05 May 2017 12:24:03 GMT

Thx Dottie, great post x

Sara, I want the simple things back too. I love what you are saying.

Cmf x