topic Do you talk too much about your problems? in Staying well

Do you talk too much about your problems?

white knight — Wed, 03 May 2017 11:09:16 GMT

I have a pet dislike. It was drummed into me by my wonderful dad to consider other people, to "walk a mile in their shoes". I loved him for it but he didn't have to swap TV channels from a John Wayne movie to motor racing so easily. That's family and that's ok.

Allowing some acquaintances however to think they are royalty with excess kindness however isn't healthy. Its a way to over respect someone. It can lead them to think they are superior or rather you are inferior. It might have been ok for dad and son but not with friends or acquaintances. In those circumstances a level playing field should be your aim.

However, a level playing field for those with mental challenges is not so easy. Our issues are so prominent minute by minute, we seem to have difficulties like- 1. talking too much too often about our struggles and 2. some of us can portray the atmosphere that our issues outweigh any issues a person without mental illness could have (which could not be true). These two problems can become their problems with US! I ask the question "is this fair and understandable to "dump" on other people the topics of our mental illness?

I say yes. You might disagree because some people hide their issues well. My decision however comes with a proviso. That equal time is devoted from you the mental illness owner to the other party. and I admit I'm the first to put my hand up to say I not only talk too much about my issues but I rabbit on and the time flies...I have little idea how long I'm torturing the poor listener. It's time to adjust that, in fact reverse it. To act.

I've asked a few friends what length of time is acceptable to most friends about talking of ones illnesses be it physical of mental. 5 minutes said most, 10 minutes ok, 15 minutes no way!!! 20 and you are not a friend but a burden.

I attended a family gathering last week. It was a funeral of a distant relative. I went to the eatery following the event and spoke to relatives I've never met. They were not close enough to mention my issues but later I was with others that I was familiar with. "How's your depression Tony" one asked....off I blabbed without thinking. But after 5 minutes I finished with some self discipline. My audience however went silent.

"How's your leg Bill" I asked (he had a knee replacement weeks ago). "Fine, why do you ask". A full 5 seconds lol.

Consider other people, limit your chat about your issues to keep a friend. What do you think about this?

Tony WK

Do you talk too much about your problems?

SubduedBlues — Wed, 03 May 2017 11:53:12 GMT

I am an advocate of supporting friends (and strangers) when they're feeling down and blue. In fact, I am quite content to skip out on a pre-planned outing or social activity to help someone who needs it.

I know I am not perfect. I have my skeletons, and they are my problems... for me to solve. Sure, sometimes I can benefit from the support of another to help me overcome them, or just cope, but I never dout on someone else to get them to solve my problems for me. That's just rude.

I'll admit that I have a preconceived notion that we should all own our problems. And this sometimes makes it difficult to be supportive towards those who dump their problems on other people. I mean, helping you isn't fixing it for you, it's listening and giving guidance towards you finding your own solution or way to cope with to your problems.

Do you talk too much about your problems?

white knight — Wed, 03 May 2017 13:28:58 GMT

Yes SB I hear you.

In other words, provide the vehicle and they can drive it? I agree.

I tend to have little patience with those that "dump" but not take any advuse at all. But I suppose lack of patience downliafs to less compassion which is a fault of mine.

Arhh, patience. Covered in (google)Topic: supermarket shelves- beyondblue you cant buy or grow patience. Some can emerge from aging...

Yes we have to own our problems. Maybe that is a step some can never take. Perhaps the general insecurity humans have with life itself compounds when we have illnesses that threaten our existence or well being? Could such illnesses cause us to seek more comfort from others. I mean, maybe there are real justified inground reasons why we, the mentally scarred, seek out the comfort and reassurance of friends.

A sign of desperation?

This thread has already posed more questions than I thought would come about.

Tony WK

Do you talk too much about your problems?

JessF — Fri, 05 May 2017 01:19:17 GMT

Hello Tony, another interesting thread.

The first thing that struck me was that you had someone ask you straight out, 'how's your depression' rather than not saying anything, or being more vague, 'how are you doing' 'how are things' with a knowing look etc. That seems like a positive to me.

Of course saying 'how are you' in our culture is a bit of a misnomer. Most of the time people aren't really interested in your answer. For example, in Brazil a common greeting is 'tudo bem' which means 'is everything well', and the expected answer is exactly the same, 'tudo bem', which as an answer is 'everything is well'. There's no room for talking about your depression there!

On the question of talking about your problems too much, I think this can be widened to any friendship where there's an issue with someone holding court and not taking the time to reciprocate properly and ask how you are. I have met some people that have an astounding lack of awareness that they have been talking for an age, and not realising that they haven't tried to bring me into the conversation other than as a prompt for their further talking.

I find the best way to avoid this situation when talking with others is to really pay attention to their body language and responses. With practice you get to see when you are starting to lose someone, and at this point, bring them back into the conversation by asking them a question about them. We all love to talk about ourselves, and the art of conversation is often mainly built on mutual back scratching.

Do you talk too much about your problems?

Quercus — Fri, 05 May 2017 01:33:44 GMT

Hi Tony,

You have a definate talent for starting thought provoking topics!

I talk too much. Always have probably always will. But I know I'm in a really bad place when I stop talking at all.

I worry about offloading onto and overwhelming others and bringing them down too. Dumping my problems onto them. Pushing them away because I'm depressing to be around. Because being my friend becomes a chore. So I shut down. Stop communicating. And the depression gets worse.

There is a lot to be said for paying to offload all the crap in my head to a professional. I don't feel guilty because they're not my friend. I can say whatever I need to. Pour out all the thoughts so that there is enough room in my mind to actually cope with listening to others again.

And then when I am speaking to friends or family I don't feel like I have to offload to them anymore. There is space in my head for an actual conversation. There's room in my head to take on their issues and feelings too. Conversation becomes a two way street again. Guilt is lessened because I am actually listening to the people who are important to me.

Does anyone else do this? Feel this way?

Do you talk too much about your problems?

The_Abyss — Fri, 05 May 2017 02:16:28 GMT

Thought provoking thread Tony.

I guess it depends on the situation and how well you know the person, but also how comfortable you are with the conversation. I am happy to talk of obvious injuries such as a fracture, but less so with something unseen. Even then I will usually dismiss it fairly quickly.

I agree Quercus - it helps to offload to therapist which then allows you "space" to hold a real conversation. And similarly jess - observing body language is vital. Was it just a polite question or a real interest?

Do you talk too much about your problems?

white knight — Sat, 20 May 2017 00:16:19 GMT

Oh yes, getting space in your mind so you can cope with people dumping themselves on you.... etry true for me.

Sadly I cant cope well with selfishness. If someone continually dumps, they dont last ling in my life.

We have a friend. She is single, alone and a hypercondriac. As soon as she enters our home her talk is about her phantom issues that clog up the medical profession.

So recently when she entered our home and she began to talk about a pain, I stopped her and told her that after 10 minutes she has to stop and chat about her photography or bush walks because we are trying to cope with life ourselves. And she could ask us how we are feeling.

Of course it went down like a lead balloon. Now I feel guilty. But she is not seeing us as friends. We are a dump for her.

She did mention recently that its because she lives alone. My take on that is that it is her responsibility to find a partner...but she doesnt agree.

So, talking with friends is better than talking to people.

Tony WK

Do you talk too much about your problems?

Quercus — Mon, 22 May 2017 23:51:04 GMT

Tony you've made a totally valid point.

I'm sure your friend was stunned and possibly a bit hurt but in the long run it will hurt more to push her friends away.

I know I talk too much. My friends and colleagues know to tell me stop being a chatterbox. They know I'll be more hurt if they don't say anything at all.

Do you talk too much about your problems?

Moonstruck — Sun, 11 Jun 2017 03:14:48 GMT

Tony....yes a thought provoking question. I notice when someone self harms...or takes their own life....we often hear on media interviews etc from their close friends, mates, family members etc...."Why didn't he/she tell me how they were feeling? Why didn't they SAY something? If only I'd known how bad he/she felt". sometimes I feel like screaming at the TV...."they DID say something! You didn't HEAR THEM"

And...there is the school of thought that talking too much about our problems, pain, distress or worrying situation etc...can actually "give it more energy" - lead to over-thinking, imagining things worse than they really are...best to keep busy, distract yourself etc.

I read the other day somewhere about "toxic people" or similar. One listed was the "emotional vampire"or something like that. The person who drains you dry from talking about how bad things are with them, how low they feel, how much pain they are in etc. And how you can cut them off, avoid them, cease the conversation.

BUT....couldn't this be the very person, the mate, the friend or brother who takes their own life....only to have others say " But why didn't he SAY something?".......

Do you talk too much about your problems?

JessF — Thu, 15 Jun 2017 02:01:59 GMT

I think most people like to think they can be helpful, and when venting about an issue I find that friends usually jump immediately to suggestions for how things can be fixed. This isn't always helpful when you just want someone to acknowledge how bad you're feeling.

But at the other end of the spectrum, if all you ever do with friends is list your woes, even the most stoic friend will start to feel powerless to help. As sad as it is, I can understand why some people do not end up getting the help they need because they are unable to put into words just what kind of help they need. Most people don't like confrontation either, so a burdened friend is unlikely to say 'I just don't know what you want me to do for you'.

Do you talk too much about your problems?

quirkywords — Thu, 15 Jun 2017 02:21:36 GMT

Tony

Thanks for this thread..

I am always aware of not talking too much- like quercus I do like to talk a lot. I hope I am also good listener. Since people in my local area know I have bipolar I get people asking me questions but usually that want to tell me there tale as they have not had a chance to tell anyone.

I think there is a balance in being honest with people and not burdening them.

I think it is important to have at least one friend you can be yourself with and say to them I am having a bad day, and not just smile and say I am fine thanks, when you are not.

I know I want my friends to open up and be honest with me and I have no time limit. I get annoyed when friends say thay are ok when they are not.

Isn't one of the aims of this organisation is to start conversations not limit them. O f course conversations occur in context. Sometimes we all have a need to tell someone how we really are and that may not fit into a 5 minute limit.

Thanks again for making me think about this interesting topic.

Quirky

Do you talk too much about your problems?

white knight — Thu, 15 Jun 2017 14:21:44 GMT

Hi all,

I find the written word from those with problems us easier for me to deal with than a friend that dumps their problems on me.

The forum can be turned off, topics selected, replies limited. A friend as previously described need me to keep her at arms length. I cant help it if she caused my bucket to overflow.

There is talk of the type that never results on progress...then there's the talk to aid learning, to improve, to absorb the information and process such information so it results in advance of some degree. The latter I love. The former I detest.

The friend I referred to above I've given advice to many times. She isnt required to take my advice but if the problem is repeated over and over again without progress then I do ask "so, did you go to your doctor" her answer is always "no, I think I'll be ok".

So I'm just a sponge. And an old sponge gets hard with age.

Quirky, you're right

There's a balance not to burden others.

Tony WK

Do you talk too much about your problems?

The_Abyss — Thu, 15 Jun 2017 16:52:45 GMT

Tony - perhaps your friend finds you a receptive listener, feels safe with you, and that's why she dumps her problems on you. Perhaps she doesn't want advice, she just wants someone to listen, a sounding board so she can figure things out for herself. Does she dump on everyone, or just you?

I have a friend that I dump on because he is safe, because he makes me feel safe. I long for the type of easy relationship he has with others, a social relationship of give and take, of sharing of information and dreams. But I don't have that type of relationship. I don't talk with others (other than on here) about my problems - they wouldn't understand, I don't feel comfortable with them, it's none of their business.

Is it better to talk too much or talk too little? Is it like the 'boy who cried wolf' who when they really need something, no one listens because they are used to tuning that person out. Or is it better to say nothing, and later, have everyone say, 'why didn't they say anything, I would have listened'. Would you?

Do you talk too much about your problems?

quirkywords — Thu, 15 Jun 2017 22:35:48 GMT

Abyss

I think finding the right person to tell your problems to is the key. One safe supportive listener is better than many people who just smile and nod but do not care. I f I knew a friend had never said how they were struggling I would be upset and would have listened. When people found out I had bipolar a few would not tell me their problems in case it 'upset' me. I told them I was fine to handle their problems and if it was too much I would tel them. Maybe honesty and balance are needed here.

Tony,

Your friend onbvioulsy feel safe with you but you also have to look after yourself. Would you ever tell your friend how you feel?

Thanks again for this great thread.

Quirky

Do you talk too much about your problems?

JessF — Thu, 15 Jun 2017 22:44:20 GMT

I think we have to pick and choose who we talk to like The Abyss says. I was having a not so good day yesterday and made the mistake of unburdening a little bit of my unhelpful brain thoughts onto a friend, and I got back the 'you need to look at the positives', which was infuratingly glib in context of what I had just disclosed. After a few hours I calmed down and realised that my expectations were too high with respect to this person, that they aren't really capable of providing the kind of emotional support where you just need someone sometimes to be that 'sponge'. And I suppose this makes things difficult, if you do find a receptive listener the temptation is there to dump more frequently than is perhaps desired.

Do you talk too much about your problems?

white knight — Fri, 16 Jun 2017 09:21:33 GMT

Hi all,

All very good points. I'm listening.

My friend dumps on everyone. She also, through whining, gets others to take her to hispital (we've been conned 3 times) only for doctors to question us in a way that suggests there is an exaggeration of her ills.

The real issue my wife and I have us that we are like most otgers here,balancing on an edge with life and our own struggles.

Bare in mind also than my mother was much worse than this woman with here ailments. She told me she had "arthritis of the blood" and a heart attack she never had. These memories of my 7 year estranged mum doesnt leave a good taste in my mouth with this acting.

Uet genuine people with problems I'm more than keen. I've revived two people with CPR and enjoy finding s ok lution to others problems.

But people sapping resourses from the medical arena anger me. Add to that everytime we meet her dumping depresses me.

A chink in my knights armour lol

Tony WK

Do you talk too much about your problems?

quirkywords — Fri, 16 Jun 2017 11:54:24 GMT

Do you think people who have mental health issues are more willing to help others as they understand how hard life can be and they want to help others when they can.

Quriky

Do you talk too much about your problems?

white knight — Fri, 16 Jun 2017 13:34:36 GMT

Hi Q

Just about everyone on this forum has an asset....insight.

Insight through wit, intelligence, knowledge or support and treatment.

Without insight the world around you implodes without your awareness. All sorts of damage is done from friendships to workplaces.

So those without insight have little or zero ability to hep others. They cant even help themselves, poor souls.

But we have some ability. We know we have limits that are lower than normal. For example, I've been told by a therapist "you know all the theory but you have difficulty putting it in practice". So we all have our restrictions.

Kindness I think comes from inner emotions connected with sadness that many of us feel. We feel we want to cradle other impaired minds, we'd like to fix them but we cant, its an inner feeling that the mentally impaired have thats special.

Ive felt this feeling so deeply that its taken me to a spiritual (non religious) place. Maharaji Prem Rawat sunset and Maharaji prem rawat the perfect instrument...if you google each of those you might get on my wave length.

Its a special place. No one else can take it away. And its my greatest reason I love helping others....like they are my children

Tony WK

Do you talk too much about your problems?

quirkywords — Sat, 17 Jun 2017 02:48:56 GMT

Tony

I was moved by your answer to my question.

I wish I could write like you do.

I am not sure I found my special place.

I do have this desire to hug everyone who is hurting and make them better but I am aware this is unrealistic.

Thanks again for your thoughtful words.

Quirky

Do you talk too much about your problems?

white knight — Sat, 17 Jun 2017 05:38:35 GMT

Hi Q,

In my world nobody is less better than I nor any way superior. We have variety of abilities.

Your care level is very high. That should not only be treasured by you but it should in theory, help eliminate self doubt, low esteem.

Many years ago when my first wife abused me for 11 years, suddenly I was alone in a10 foot caravan. Daily I stared in that mirror and said, "you are a good person, you deserve happiness and you'll get your home back.

Within 12 months I'd built my new home with my own hands, I found confidence and I finally, mentally, condemned my ex wife for her attitude.

But, life is still a struggle. I have little faith in other humans but I'll help them here and they help me. Periodically I want to do what I did a few times when in my 20's, run into the bush and not care about anything nor anyone. But commonsense prevails. A therapist once told me "you'll only last 3 months" meaning your life would end.

So to survive in life is a huge challenge ongoing, daily. I can immerse myself in activities in my shed for relief from the anguish until I lift my head and the sorrow continues.

Funny the topic of this thread is what I'm doing now, talking too much about my problems.

We are kind to others because we have been to the lowest point and wouldnt wish it on anyone.

Thanks for listening. I'm hoping our caravanning trip up north tomorrow picks me up a little.

Tony WK