topic Who cries over spilt milk? in Staying well

Who cries over spilt milk?

white knight — Tue, 09 Sep 2014 06:10:16 GMT

That's the saying. "You're crying over spilt milk". It implies you are hanging onto something that should have been forgotten about many moons ago. The guilt. The shame. The anger of something past. If you are one of these people then you have also likely been told "get over it". But I've never seen tablets for sale with the words "get over your guilt with one tablet a day". So what do we do to rid ourselves from guilt?

There are a number of things you can do to assist in the process of these demonic forms of baggage. -

Time- time is a great healer. It means you accept that the issue will remain fresh in your mind until a certain amount of time passes. The amount of time depends on the person and the issue. But acceptance by you that time is needed is an encouraging step.

Perspective- When young, at childs age, we tend to exaggerate incidences. This is quite normal. When we grow up sometimes we hang onto those explosions of fact. This can remain in our minds as bigger than what they really were. Or smaller too than what they were. Accurate perspective is required and sometimes this is only possible with psychiatric treatment. Correct perspective on a smaller scale however starts with ultimate honesty internally. It is a beginning.

Forgiveness. So much time might have passed whereby seeking forgiveness from someone isnt in your best interests. On the other hand seeking forgiveness by a parent to their child might well be in order not only to help with your guilt but to help your child mend. Consider forgiveness from you or to another person. If your efforts were in vain at least you have taken a step towards mending your own ills

Accepting you are human. We all make mistakes. Some are unforgivable like sexual harm to a child. Other than those unforgivable acts many mistakes can be redeemed. But one should also accept that if you did the best you could at a certain time in your life then try to accept that. This is where you have to think things through.

Therapy. Giving burden to you immediate family isnt fair on them. If you can seek therapy then you are seeking the assistance of someone trained in that field. Try it.

Forums. Beyond Blue are anonymous. There is also plenty of reading on such topics there. That's their advantage.

Guilt can eat you up. It can consume you. There is no need to cry over spilt milk. Find ways of dealing with it. Crying over spilt milk is one thing suffering or ruining your life over it is another.

Who cries over spilt milk?

JessF — Tue, 09 Sep 2014 23:16:56 GMT

I'm just starting to come out of a two-day fog that has its origins in crying over spilt milk. It has been a nasty couple of days. The thoughts have been very dark, but I have managed them. A year ago I couldn't have done this.

Perspective and acceptance are the greatest healers for me. Not to fight against the feelings, beause if you have been betrayed or hurt by someone then of course those feelings are not going to disappear. It would be like falling over and getting angry because there's a bruise.

A song came on the radio yesterday that matched my situation, and it was enough to lift the fog just a little. It reminded me I am not the first person to go through this, and I won't be the last. The humiliation and anger I was feeling are not going to define me. They are just another episode of life that will seem insignificant years from now. Like so many others before it.

Thank you white knight.

Who cries over spilt milk?

Neil_1 — Wed, 10 Sep 2014 04:31:31 GMT

Hey WK

Another awesomely created thread by your good self.

The only time I’ve ever cried over spilt milk was when my son as a young tacker, spilt his milk on a Saturday morning breakfast time. It went all over my raceguide … I cried but also was angered as well. Was that wrong to send him to his room?

Neil

Who cries over spilt milk?

Neil_1 — Wed, 10 Sep 2014 04:36:09 GMT

Hi gang;

Ok ok, I was kidding about my last post – especially the part about sending him to his room. Phew, glad I cleared that up.

All those images you’ve painted are really worthwhile and well worded.

And it’s a lot of these things I feel that possibly affects a lot of us. I know for me that things that have happened in the past are just in my mind pretty much insurmountable (in that, I’ll never get over them – hope that was the right use of that word).

And things like that leave you scarred – that’s where time heals all wounds – and my play on that is: time will heal a wound; but what is then left is a scar. And depending on the size of the wound, that will determine the amount of scarring there is. And so, though you’re no longer wounded every day and hurting every day, you have the scar there to remind you always of what it was that led you down that path.

Neil

Who cries over spilt milk?

Guest5643 — Wed, 19 Jun 2019 03:22:15 GMT

Hi white night. I'm not sure why you led me to this topic. Maybe I've misread it? Maybe I'm meant to feel guilty and there's something wrong with me for not feeling guilty

Who cries over spilt milk?

white knight — Wed, 19 Jun 2019 11:53:41 GMT

Not at all. Crying over spilt milk means repeating thoughts and regrets to the point that you suffer guilt over it. Suffering guilt over past decisions is ok to a point as it stops us repeating the same mistakes but if we have learned that then excessive guilt feelings only effect your health causing more suffering.

Thats from my experience

TonyWK

Who cries over spilt milk?

white knight — Sat, 10 Aug 2019 01:27:13 GMT

Hi all,

Dwelling should be classified as a separate illness!

As a young boy onwards my mother would dig up issues from the past in particular any subject that involved family disputes. In my workplace years later work colleagues would respond to me "are you still talking about that- it's a long time ago- get over it!" Those words "get over it" stuck...and within the embarrassment of the logic of hanging onto past resolved issues, I indeed got over issues better, but not completely.

Some incidents remain and it is an example of not being able to rid my cyclonic mind from stewing over them.

So I'm mentioning this because I feel some members might feel bad because they cannot rid their minds of issues totally in particular issues of trauma. A broken marriage, close person passed away or employment incident are all good examples of not being able to stop the effects of spilt milk.

If that is the case for you and you have tried hard, introduced distractions and counseling and you are frustrated with those bad memories hanging around your guilt factor needs attention.

Introducing - GUILT the tormentor

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/guilt-the-tormentor-

Comments welcome

TonyWK

Who cries over spilt milk?

Guest5643 — Sat, 10 Aug 2019 07:56:45 GMT

Hi tony.

You said in guilt the tormentor 'do you think you need her permission to live without fear,' to do with your narcissistic mum.

That struck a massive cord with me. Even though my mum is passed away i am still waiting permission from her to tell me its ok. Ive been riddled with guilt for so long for being angry with her for her wrong doings because ive done so many wrong things. She grabbed my arm begged me for help the day she passed away and i ignored her and walked away. By the time i walked back she had collasped. I was in a bad mood that day and i genuinly had no idea what was going on. I had no intention of ever mentioning that but now emotions have flooded out.

Who cries over spilt milk?

white knight — Sat, 10 Aug 2019 13:57:50 GMT

Hi Lynne,

Ok, now I know why you answered in the trigger thread. Oh Lynne, now I know what you are feeling and why you have been effected. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

When events occur we should try to make sense out of it when trauma follows. In your case- a seesaw could have emotion/self blame on one side and rationality/realism on the other. Emotion goes up, being realistic goes down, it lessens. We can afford emotionally to push reality away.

Counselors, psychologists etc can spend time sorting that out to a level of acceptance that enables you to continue in life to an acceptable level of happiness. Someone else that was in your shoes that fateful day might think "well I'm not to blame" and never consider they were at fault at all. So, why do you?

I'm guessing, because for whatever real cause, you have a fragile heart, guilty concionce and blame yourself.

In my experience you are the type of person that feels they never do the right thing when at all times realistically you do your best and your best should always be good enough for others and you.

Excess criticism has led to self doubt. Its a scar. Place those rocks of doubt in a bag...and throw them in a river.

This is for you.

NO CRYSTAL BALL

(To Lynne)

In that flood of tears you grieve

There is a bond with that pain

Mother and daughter and opinions differ

But it would again

But we arent perfect as human beings

Your mistakes are part of you

That day you couldnt predict the future

She has forgiven you

As you wonder what could have been

If you had your time again

But you cant be blamed nor tormented

And pile on your pain

You did what you felt was best

No crystal ball in store

She's hoping you can hear her now

Dont blame yourself ...anymore...

Tony

Whiteknight

Beyond blue

Who cries over spilt milk?

Guest_9610 — Sat, 10 Aug 2019 14:37:19 GMT

What a reply to had posted to Helium!!

You certainly havent much compassion for someone who's reaching out for some conslance. WK you may be a Champion on BB Forums for many years but that doesn't give anyone the right to be so judgemental.

We're all here to encourage each other..

Regards

Amielle

Who cries over spilt milk?

Guest5643 — Sun, 11 Aug 2019 02:38:11 GMT

Hi amelia.

I found tonys post incredibly kind understanding and helpful.

Who cries over spilt milk?

Guest5643 — Sun, 11 Aug 2019 02:46:18 GMT

Hi tony.

Thankyou so much for your kind understanding words. I kept reading over and over that poem and i pray one day i believe it. I had absolutely zero intention of mentioning that on the forums but we're human and things come out and then immediatly think oh crap. On the trigger page believe you me i 100% get everything you said. I know everyones post can be a trigger to someone, my posts included.

Who cries over spilt milk?

white knight — Sun, 11 Aug 2019 03:43:30 GMT

Thankyou Helium, Lynne

I'm so happy you saw my post as reaching out to you in my most kindest way I was able to generate.

That is your poem, it took me about an hour to write it lol, but it was from the heart as I know exactly what you are experiencing.

I've noticed you have replied to several other members here with your words of wisdom which is remarkable.

TonyWK

Who cries over spilt milk?

white knight — Sun, 11 Aug 2019 03:50:56 GMT

Hi Amiella

I'm sorry you took my post that way. The post was directed to Helium and she received it in the spirit it was intended, to help her and empathize.

TonyWK

Who cries over spilt milk?

Croix — Sun, 11 Aug 2019 05:38:40 GMT

Dear Amiella~

May I say I think you have mis-judged?

This place only has text, and no other clues as to waht is meant, and -speaking strictly for myself - I find i can take the same few words and give them quite opposite and unintentional meanings, depending on circumstances, context and maybe other factors too.

Thus someone can say to me "you did that ok" and one time I might take that litterally, in other words I did it right, another time I can take it to mean there was room for improvement.

It is simply a function of the limited environment we are limited to here.

I have known Tony WK for a long time and know his nature is a kind and compassionate one, not judgmental - except perhaps like many of us - against himself.

Please don't think I'm criticizing you either Amiella. To spring to another's defense is a worthy thing and you have my respect for being forthright and unafraid to voice concern.

Croix

Who cries over spilt milk?

Croix — Sun, 11 Aug 2019 06:17:52 GMT

Dear Helium~

Tony is quite right, and you are a sensitive person, with insight, as you posts to others clearly show.

Sadly it is so hard to apply that same insight into ourselves, for some reason often it simply does not seem to work.

I could give you all sorts of logical consolations, and I'm sure they would simply pass by with out touching you - except one. You said "when I walked back"

In the time between leaving and returning you had changed, if only in mood. We all have to change, and as we do things happen. You mother might have grown to gain a little insight into herself - who knows.

What I know is you have time to grow, for that guilt to become less as life and your knowledge of yourself and the good you do, the kindnesses you give, the way you approach life and others all takes more and more precedence.

You are not the same person who withdrew for a little while.

I too have guilt, one in particular from 30+ years ago. While I regret my actions I no longer think it is the main part of me, there is so much else.

If I was able to stand outside myself and review my life as it it was that of another I'd note the incident, but only note, and pass on to concentrate on other greater better things that deserved attention more.

I do not know if any of that will help, all I can say is that from your posts, both elsewhere and above I feel you deserve to feel at ease

Croix

Who cries over spilt milk?

Guest5643 — Sun, 11 Aug 2019 10:43:13 GMT

Hi croix.

Hi tony and croix. I cannot thankyou enough the both of you for how much you've helped me with the not so fun part of life from many of my posts including when i was whitewolfwarrior. Ive spoken many times to different psychologists about how my mum passed. She had realy bad emphysema she was only 64 and 34kgs. She got a mucus plug. She was always breathless so i didnt think anytthing was different and when she grabbed my arm realy hard which was her way of begging for help and i said ouch that hurt and kept walking in a foul mood. It just eats me up inside to know how scared she wouldve been and because ive never felt her spirit and every time i grow lavender since she passed it never grows it just wilters i buy lavender plants yr after yr i dont get one single flower and i have regular dreams where shes angry i mean realy angry with me over whatever. So ive taken all that as a sign she dosnt love me anymore. Ive seen countless mediums spent countless money on them. I had to learn the hard way to realise the truth of them. Im not saying theres not genuine ones but i believe thats only less then 1pct.

That realy is a beautiful poem tony, im going to write it and put in a frame on wall to try help me.

Cheers lynne

Who cries over spilt milk?

white knight — Sun, 11 Aug 2019 11:25:22 GMT

Hi Lynne, you framing my poem is a poets ultimate honour. We have a poets corner here

In 1996 following my marriage breakdown I told myself daily I was a good person. For 11 years I tolerated emotional abuse so my confidence was low. After 6 months or so it sank in. So reading that poem aloud might help.

I have some spiritual foundations but I'm solid with logic. Lynne, you misinterpreted your mothers action of grabbing your arm. We are creatures of habit and based on all of your experiences with her you weren't to know, that time was different.

What occured that day does not define you. The same way a speeding fine doesnt define a doctors worth or how a gambling addiction doesnt defines ones ability to be a life saver.

We humans are a flawed species. But with good souls they always rear up, show their true colours and expose their love and care.

Perhaps based on that convincing yourself your worth overall could be better than releasing you from responsibility for that day.

I'm so glad you are here on the forums. They dont make them like you all the time.

TonyWK

Who cries over spilt milk?

Guest5643 — Sun, 11 Aug 2019 12:30:50 GMT

Hi tony.

Wow and i mean WOW! I didnt realise you actualy wrote the poem. I just assumed it was one you had heard of elsewhere and chose it cause it suited me. When you said it took you over an hr i just thought you were getting interupted by whatever inbetween typing. THANKYOU!

Ps my dog barked while i typed thankyou so hes saying thankyou to.

Cheers lynne

Who cries over spilt milk?

white knight — Sun, 11 Aug 2019 13:54:52 GMT

You're welcome. Ive written about 300.

We have a mini foxy. Great company.

So to cheer you up-

THE BLACK WIDOW

The male black widow spider
tried all his life
he tried to tickle the hairy legs
of his much larger black widow wife

Then finally he had a win
something at last to gloat
she began to laugh aloud
as his leg slid down her throat

Poor male black widow
was always going to get into strife
all because he didnt understand
the nature of his hairy wife....

A SIMPLE POEM

It was when I worked for Testra I had a bit to say
after I entered a porta potti on this bright and sunny day
It was the type on two wheels for workers where they'd moan
and I decided during this time to write a simple poem

"Upon the dunny seat where I do my bit...an interesting episode of where my botty sits"

Well this dunny on a trailer was towed by a fellow mate
And off he drove to the shop and mi' mouth was just agape

With mi' undies at mi' ankles and the seat wrapped around mi' neck
I tried to keep my tender butt from sliding off the deck

The slop began to lick my bott, sloshing from side to side
I begged and screamed for him to stop so I could restore my pride

"Upon this dunny seat where I so my bit...an interesting episode of where my botty sits.....

Back to our serious side lol

There is a man Ive followed for 30 years, a wise man non religious. He has lots of youtube videos. His name in maharaji prem rawat.

My favorite is (google): youtube maharaji prem rawat Sunset

And

Youtube maharaji prem rawat the perfect instrument

Watch others too. His teachings will help Lynne.

BLACK CLOUDS DANCING (to Dr...)

It takes a special kind of man to sense the hurt and grief
unlike other 'mates' smiling in the street

They beat their chests all day and never see the harm
conquer another nameless lady- then return to farm

No wonder we men grieve, beside us an empty seat
few mates get to know us nor take the time to greet

You took the time to trust, you took the time to ask
it wasnt easy for me to admit...I couldnt do the task

You saw the black clouds dancing just above my head
tinted it grey then blew it away by using care instead

It takes a certain kind of doctor to sense the hurt, the harm, the grief
thankyou for not being like all the others....that smile in the street....

TonyWK