topic ...and this is why I am so (bleeping) Angry...NOW! - THE CLEAN VERSION. in Staying well

...and this is why I am so (bleeping) Angry...NOW! - THE CLEAN VERSION.

SourceShield — Mon, 14 Nov 2016 03:45:01 GMT

Hey Peeps,

(This is TAKE 2 - The original was laden with a few CHOICE WORDS...I am grateful that I can simply edit and re-post.)

The reason that I am so angry/furious/Bleeped-Off/Enraged... NOW...

Is because I feel that I've wasted so much (bleeping) time worrying about crap that I shouldnt have been worrying about.

I feel that I have spent too much time (bleeped) off at the small stuff.

Concerned about (bleep) that now just seems sooooo immaterial.

I am sorry - I love swear words, and I really wanna use many choice words right now, but I get that we can't, but I am THAT (bleeping) furious.

Please don't get me wrong...this is a GOOD thing for me.

I am learning to vent in a positive way - for me and for my health, holistically.

I know that may seem selfish and I will get it, if no one continues to read this because perhaps the brevity of my anger may trigger something.

But I have come to see BB as a dear friend...someone that I CAN trust, and that means so (bleeping) much to me.

I have three - YEP, count 'em... 3 convictions for getting into fights with guys.

Nearly ended up killed in a bar fight - Glassed in the face, and my partner was killed.

I never got to go to his funeral.

His parents didnt know he was gay.

I must learn to release this anger...in a healthy way for me now, or it IS going to kill me.

For real.

Internally, as in chemical-overload, or externally, as in killed because I lost control one day.

I have been so angry for such a very long time.

I've hated for such a long time, and I NOW get that it really AINT WORTH IT, SO I GIVE IT UP.

I must surrender.

I have to stop lying to myself, and beating myself down...ALL THE TIME.

I am lovable.

I am a good man.

And, I can be as healthy and as happy as I choose to be.

And so it is.

I must do whatever it takes now.

I forgive my family.

I love them...pack of (bleeping) weirdoes to the MAX...but I love them.

I must LOVE me now.

And, that means that I must share the love that I really DO feel with everyone.

Thats how I am going to beat the RAGE inside me.

Kill it with KINDNESS.

LOVING-(bleeping)-KINDNESS.

Thats me, anyway.

I hope you all know that I love who you are, and I'm here.

WelcomeToEarth.

LuvYa

...and this is why I am so (bleeping) Angry...NOW! - THE CLEAN VERSION.

SourceShield — Mon, 14 Nov 2016 03:50:52 GMT

...I am actually gonna mark that as helpful, for myself...because the clean version, now makes me laugh.

LaughingIsGoodMedicine.

...and this is why I am so (bleeping) Angry...NOW! - THE CLEAN VERSION.

Melfunction81 — Mon, 14 Nov 2016 04:43:38 GMT

I know how you feel. I had anger issues for a long time and I moved my aggression from people to fences and brick walls until finally I got myself a punching bag from gumtree. I found that helped heaps and was also kinder on my fists and a decent go at it can be a pretty good all over workout leaving you tired enough to pass out and after a good nights sleep things usually seem better in the morning

Im very sorry to read about your partner

...and this is why I am so (bleeping) Angry...NOW! - THE CLEAN VERSION.

SourceShield — Mon, 14 Nov 2016 04:58:12 GMT

Thanks for the reply!

MuchAppreciated.

YES- I used to have a boxing bag, but I moved and couldnt bring it.

I've always wanted to learn Kung Fu - Bruce Lee, is an idol.

When I move to Melbourne...Im gonna start.

I feel itll help to bring some balance to my life - discipline and focus of the anger and rage into an art form.

I really do appreciate your kind thoughts re: my partner.

Its tough at times.

I blamed myself for not being strong enough.

But, thats all in the past now.

I'm moving forward.

MuchLove.

...and this is why I am so (bleeping) Angry...NOW! - THE CLEAN VERSION.

Cornstarch — Mon, 14 Nov 2016 06:48:30 GMT

Hey Saucy,

In another thread I referred to my violent assault, and how absolutely terrifying it was for me when my PTSD flashbacks meant that I was now reliving them in minute detail.

I have broken down in tears to my clinical psychologist and my psychiatrist with exhausted, ashamed frustration, as to why my PTSD is so physical, whilst other people I know only experience the mental/emotional/visual PTSD. Unfortunately for me 2016 has not been about reliving trauma but it has been about reliving terror. I am experiencing in its grossest purity, 'for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction'.

In terms of what happened to my little brain that night it was essentially a violent abduction involving weapons. He proved himself the consummate professional under the star studded sky and he ambushed me in the middle of the night just like he was back in Nam.

What this means for me is the brutal physicality of my rape, has to come out somehow, and at times it makes my flashbacks unbearable, hence why I ended up in hospital.

It has been so terrifying when that energy started to release. I am so relived that I am single because I don't need anymore shame in my shame bucket.

Not all of Peter Levine's work resonated with me, but the primal stuff on how I come to grips with having being pinned down and physical restrained, helped me to de-identify it as evidence that I am a psycho.

He discusses 'the fear of exiting immobility' when a predator has torn your world apart and entrapped you:

the fear of rage is also the fear of violence - both toward others and against oneself. The exiting of immobility is inhibited by the following double bind: to come back to life, one must feel the sensations of rage in intense energy. However, at the same time, these sensations evoke the possibility of mortal harm. This possibility inhibits sustained contact with the very sensations the bring relief from the experience of immobility, thereby leading to resolution.

I've had several flashbacks in the park this year, where my body's reaction to deal with this intense energy that is so scary when it comes up; was to vomit.

PTSD is famous for public shaming.

All I can do is vomit or cry.

...and this is why I am so (bleeping) Angry...NOW! - THE CLEAN VERSION.

SourceShield — Mon, 14 Nov 2016 07:06:09 GMT

Oh Sweetheart,

One trillion multiplied by infinity plus 77- thats how much I feel so deeply for you.

I know that for me, the raging fury that I have felt for all these years, must come to an end...or it will kill me, eventually...probably sooner than later.

It manifested itself on so many levels.

All it would take was one incident to set me off...and boom, watch out!

I was living poison.

Conscious hatred.

I really just can't live like that anymore, and no matter what it takes now..I just have to get this sorted.

For real.

And, I am.

For real.

You've been through something so hideous, and you must do what you must do to get your happy...you are so worth it.

Sincerely.

Just please...

Promise me that you'll keep yourself safe, and anytime you feel really lousy...let me know, I'm here for you, okay mate?

StayAmazing

Peace&Cornstarch4EVA

...and this is why I am so (bleeping) Angry...NOW! - THE CLEAN VERSION.

Cornstarch — Tue, 15 Nov 2016 10:34:41 GMT

It's weird Saucy how some posts get gobbled and trashed so my initial reply didn't get through.

Thank you for your support, it truly is appreciated, I don't take people's time for granted, especially as everyone on here is far from optimal right now themselves and can't afford to give too much.

With what you've been through unfortunately anger is a natural response.

As a chick I feel like even using the word RAGE will make me some sort of social pariah. But it just kept coming up and coming up and I had nowhere to put it. The only healthy place I know of is exercise or creativity. It doesn't really even help when my health professionals assure me that is completely normal. They want me to find a big stick in the park and hit a tree and I can't even bring myself to do that yet. I feel like a wally.

Mindfulness mediation has been absolutely wonderful don't get me wrong. It has developed the hand break in my brain and with my history I need one! But what I've found is that even if I can mindfully watch rage rise up inside of me, let it hover for a bit without panicking, remain grounded and centred enough to not react, my body still needs a release. The energy of wanting to snap like a primal beast when I was attacked, is still stuck in there so I have to rely on movement a lot. I'm fumbling my way through I guess.

I have trouble finding other threads and get muddled. But you wrote somewhere about eating disorders. I don't have one, I am very lucky, but I have literally lost count with how many people do. Women, men, gay, straight, young, old. Someone my Auntie worked with, his wife died of a cardio event related to anorexia at like 65 or something. Dropped to the floor.

I think also it is something that a lot of people hide or lie about through omission, and can hide for 5, 10, 20 years. I've met people who have told me that they suffer from 'depression' only to learn that they are hiding an eating disorder. They're happy to get help with 'depression' but flat out refuse to admit it to a health professional because they are meant to be highly educated and sensible. I suppose it is something that is associated with young girls.

It's very complicated and can take years to turn around. Our culture just feeds the desire for perfection and if you're feeling down on yourself already I guess it is easy to scrutinise our appearance.

StayAmaze

xxxx

...and this is why I am so (bleeping) Angry...NOW! - THE CLEAN VERSION.

SourceShield — Tue, 15 Nov 2016 11:03:59 GMT

Hey.

Yes - I am glad that you responded, because I did see your post re: having to 'clean' your dad...

But, that was deemed irrelevant to the actual thread - it was in Vs thread, so my response and yours were deleted.

In a typical autistic response...I wrote an email to the moderators explaining how foolish that was to delete our responses, but they were still deleted.

Ahhhh well.

Its a very typical autistic thing to write letters to the editor etc, when we just aint happy!

I know that anger is a normal response but I am genuinely over that now...I dont care to be so furious anymore, I sincerely feel that on THAT one, I have turned a corner.

And, I am so grateful for that because it did nearly kill me.

I have too many things that I want to do with my life, and giving into the rage was just getting in the way...ALL THE TIME.

But, if you're still in that energy space, Corny...I get it.

You know what?

I did that frick'n 'hit the tree with a stick'...Catharsis Therapy, thats what the therapist called it...but I HATED IT.

He even made me take my shirt off...at that time I was so body conscious.

And refused, but he put the guilt on, and I felt pressured.

Not good.

And, it made me angrier...I just wanted to slam the therapist with the stick.

My eating habits are rather disordered - I was obese at 125kgs, and then bulimic for 10 yrs.

Ruined my psychology even more, than it was at that time.

Body-dysphoria.

I totally hear what youre saying.

For some reason people are more ashamed about saying...I have an eating disorder, than depression.

At least they getting help for the depression but we as a society do need to really look more into that.

I have known too many people that let that slide, and for it to only make their overall condition even worse.

No one replied to the eating disorder post but maybe if I show that there is support here, more people will feel comfortable to share how it is for them too, with respect to their eating disorder.

I still have to remember to eat, or I just wont.

Even today I have had to consciously say to myself...OKAY, now I must eat something!

I'm all good though.

This awareness, brings clarity.

And.

I had replied to your post re: your dad.

I was outraged when I read that you had to clean your dads body.

I get that the resources were low, but give me a break.

I can only imagine how that would be.

I'm gonna learn Kung Fu, and channel the stuff into an art form.

Bruce Lee is an idol.

MuchLove.

...and this is why I am so (bleeping) Angry...NOW! - THE CLEAN VERSION.

SourceShield — Tue, 15 Nov 2016 11:49:18 GMT

I did actually reply to your above post...but that must have been 'swallowed', as you put it.

Now, I have to write it all again...

Geez.

...and this is why I am so (bleeping) Angry...NOW! - THE CLEAN VERSION.

SourceShield — Tue, 15 Nov 2016 13:20:00 GMT

I'm gonna be honest with you Cornstarch...

When I first saw some of your posts in Sara's thread re: adrenaline etc...

I was like - WOAH, this person is angry...like REALLY angry.

And, for me it was a bit confronting because, the anger was being felt in the written word.

And, thats powerful rage, when a person can affect another persons feelings, simply with the written word.

I have had anger management issues, since I was a sperm!

Born furious.

I have a theory about that as well...for another night.

So angry people and me sometimes really, really, really, dont get on...maybe like attracts like, in a bad way!

But, I now feel that I may have misrepresented you.

IMHO - you seem like someone that has been misunderstood, a lot.

And, I actually totally get that.

Because, once I started to read more of what you would write and share with us, I began to see you in a broader spectrum kinda way.

Started to see you.

That sounds a bit wanky!

What I am saying is that, and my friend Carol told this to me years ago...

We are like a prism.

Many, many, many colours and shades.

I'm saying that I misrepresented you at first, and I am sorry.

Because, now I can put the rage that you feel, in context.

With all that you have lived through...I too would be furious, enraged.

CrazyMad.

But, you have also shown me your hopefulness - and I mean that in a gritty, raw way.

Hopefulness, because people like you and me, we have been kicked down many times by life.

And, sometimes the way ahead does look bleak and dark, so the hopefulness in this respect is a wise-optimism.

Not a fools optimism.

With their homes built on loose sand.

But, a wise optimism.

That now knows that we must have sturdy foundations, to build upon.

I see you now.

I hope you can forgive me, for being so quick to judge.

I realised this the other day but was too embarrassed to admit it to you, but I feel that I must come clean on this one...clean conscience and all that jazz.

MuchLove

Kaitoa.

p.s.

I did that 'hit the tree with a stick therapy' - I hated it.

The therapist was a twerp.

Made me do it without my shirt on - I was still so paranoid and neurotic about my body, having been obese, that the whole process made everything worse.

I was too young and naive to just say..."NO I dont want to do that kinda THERAPY!".

He said it was catharsis...catharsis my butthole!

I was more stressed leaving that session, than when I actually arrived for the session.

Bless!!!

...and this is why I am so (bleeping) Angry...NOW! - THE CLEAN VERSION.

Cornstarch — Mon, 21 Nov 2016 04:04:01 GMT

Oh my god Saucy,

How I laughed. I've only just seen this, sorry for the late reply.

I must say the design of the forums could be improved, I can never tell if someone has replied or not on a thread and then if I find they have, I feel really bad for not being good at navigating!

That is so funny/weird how your therapist made you whack the tree with your shirt off!!!! OMG. Hilarious.

What I get a lot of is medical/health professionals giving me the lecture that is well meaning of what I'm 'not', to try an boost me up, "well you have no addictions, blah, blah, blah", and I'm thinking but look at me! This ain't a good look Sista.

My clinical psychologist is the most gentle, positive, serene women and the suggestion of whacking a tree coming from her lips was even more ludicrous than me doing it. I can very rarely bring myself to scream under water. Have you read Bessel's book and seen the MRI's of a brain in dissociation? That's my problem.

Shifting my dissociation has been a frigging nightmare, I didn't realise how bad I was because this is all I know, the doc wants to do another MRI, but once it shifted, that's when the red hot poker rage came up and vigorous exercise and socially withdrawing had to be implemented immediately.I've been a recluse this year. Like a troll on the hill. Or a witch.

I figured I already had a shame bucket that was over flowing so I have to isolate myself from friends and family while I ride out the worst of it, because if I blow my top at them or lose the plot I will feel yet more guilt and anger at myself than I already do. I have enough guilt from the times I've screamed at Mum in utter exasperated frustration at defending Dad.

The way I cope has caused a lot of tension in the family, in the sense they don't like me wondering off on my own all the time. But to me, it makes logical sense to attempt to keep my shame bucket as low as possible at all times because essentially I have a shame disorder. Judith Herman's has written a couple of academic articles in medical journals literally referring to it as a shame disorder. Why make it harder for myself.

Also this year has been the 'physical flashback' year. Other years were more mental and emotional, but for some reason this year has been a flooding of body sensations to being pinned down and physically restrained and asked to lie still threatened with a weapon until the sun came up.

Me thinks anyone would have some 'unexpressed outrage' to work with.

How's ya puppy?

...and this is why I am so (bleeping) Angry...NOW! - THE CLEAN VERSION.

SourceShield — Mon, 21 Nov 2016 04:38:01 GMT

Hey CornSyrup!

Methinks so too!

Completely and utterly justified!

Pups is all g!

He's here with me atm...licking himself, as they do...they make such gross noises though when they do that.

Gobble, gobble, slurp, slurp....ewwwwww.

He's a charmer!

Dont even get me started again re: pseudo-catharsis therapy --- or, I will go into a nuclear Tourettes moment.

Like I said I was too young and naive to say NO to 'the professional' - not now...If I dont want to hit a tree with a stick, no one can make me!

I think its really important for more people to realise this for themselves - we can 'shop' around for the right and best support, and find the best assistance - psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists, counselors or coaches...find what works best for you.

But, you know what?

When I read what I wrote to you again re: catharsis - from your perspective...the outside looking in perspective...it made me laugh too!

Grateful for that!

No - I haven't read any of Bessels books...but I will do a Sherlock Holmes...and investigate...

Shame Disorder - makes perfect sense to me.

I guess many of us would be living with this too, without even seeing it as such - sexualisation, cultural stuff...etc etc etc...

When my psych first discussed the dissociation with me...I'm pretty sure that I dissociated and was like - yeh sure, whatever...lalalala...but now, I totally get it.

It's been a bumpy ride but as you can probably tell...I could fill an encyclopedia with all my troubles, but for me the dissociation is mild - comparatively speaking.

I can only imagine how this must be for you.

And again, because many of our posts did get swallowed there for a bit...

The fact that you had to clean your Dad - still really breaks my heart.

Thats tough mate.

I wouldve gone off to My Little Pony Land after that...and dissociated myself into a blissful and peaceful slumber.

Jeez!

I hate to patronise but I reckon, you are seriously doing so well...considering!

You called this year - 'the physical flashback year' - is that a 'normal' part of the process?

Is this part of the body's way of 'letting it go'?

Im curious, thats all, but I dont want to trigger anything...so I get if ya wanna change subjects.

MuchLove

Bundy&Kaitoa