topic A Quick Self Confidence/Esteem Check in Staying well

A Quick Self Confidence/Esteem Check

blondguy — Sat, 11 Jun 2016 19:22:12 GMT

Hi Everyone and especially new posters or anyone reading the Beyond Blue Forums too!

This may seem unimportant to many but there is a reason for this thread. I have had depression and anxiety for many years and I found this self esteem/confidence check invaluable when I was researching why I was so nervous and panicky....before I was diagnosed and during...

How do you respond to a compliment? If someone says well done! or good on you! Or compliments you for qualities you have....Do You...

Pass the compliment off and say....oh no...'I'm not really that good.. etc etc'
Ignore the compliment and struggle for words...
Reflect the compliment away and 'handball' a compliment back...
Or say 'thankyou'

A few years ago I had a really hard time with dealing with compliments. This thread is not a 'test' in anyway....It is just a 'self check' that may help some people find a little peace and self awareness where low self confidence/esteem/worth is an issue

The answer is number 4....What number would you have chosen? Your true/heartfelt thoughts on this would be a great help on how you respond to a compliment

Thankyou for taking the time to read my post

Kind Thoughts

Paul

A Quick Self Confidence/Esteem Check

geoff — Sat, 11 Jun 2016 20:09:25 GMT

hi Paul, a very good point you raise here, because when I ask someone how they are and they say 'I'm fine' means to me that something is not right, because to me it's a word that doesn't mean 'I really good' or it doesn't say that I've been depressed for 4 years, so it's a weak word not defining how they actually are, and when I start a conversation saying to them 'are you a bit depressed' then the true answer comes out, no I'm depressed'.
When I was in depression the answer for me would be 2, but now I'm out of depression the answer would certainly be 4, because I could now accept exactly what has been said to me, rather than before when whatever was said went straight through to the keeper, it meant nothing.
The answer for 1 is by being shy in any compliment to me, perhaps I would feel guilty by accepting praise, and number 3 is when you have been able to cope with your problems and want to praise someone for what they have done and feel guilty by being praised.
I think you answer all of these depending on what stage of depression you are sitting at, but look forward to see what the other people think.Thanks Paul.

A Quick Self Confidence/Esteem Check

blondguy — Sat, 11 Jun 2016 20:19:04 GMT

hi Geoff

thankyou for the rocket response...Your have actually clarified my thread especially with what you mentioned;

"I think you answer all of these depending on what stage of depression you are sitting at" ...My best Geoff...Paul

A Quick Self Confidence/Esteem Check

Just Sara — Sat, 11 Jun 2016 20:45:37 GMT

Morning Paul;

I've had more positive feedback from people like yourself on BB than from anywhere/anyone else. "Thankyou"

I must admit though, at times I tell myself; "Maybe they're just being polite" This of course is more about me than those who 'give'. But then, I'm learning to hone in on the positives of those who cry for help with their 1st post and give positive feedback in the hope it'll support in some way. I've learned this from people like you Paul. So I guess it's not just about receiving compliments, it's also about the intent of the compliment itself.

I find; the most important compliment is the one I give myself. That's where self esteem and confidence is telling. Your thread reminds me I need to do it more often. So here goes!

No matter how difficult things get, I bounce back. I've built an arsenal of self motivating tools to fight the good fight and inch forward through the up's and down's of my recovery. Good on me! "I love and respect myself and am worthy of the same from others" Man that was hard! Whew!

I sat pondering what I've written. Hmm...thought provoking Paul. Thankyou...

Kind thoughts...Dizzy x

A Quick Self Confidence/Esteem Check

Doolhof — Sat, 11 Jun 2016 22:52:57 GMT

Hi Paul,

Thanks for this thread. Self esteem and confidence are things I have struggles with my whole life off and on. As Geoff has mentioned, the state of my depression contributes so much to how I feel regarding these things.

(Isn't the word "Thing" wonderful! When you can't think of the right word then thing will do!)

Back to the topic. I have found it very hard to accept compliments in the past. Sometimes I have thought I needed to return a compliment to the person or thank them profusely because they had recognised me in some way.

These days I try to accept all compliments, and allow them to boost my self confidence and esteem. Even if a compliment appears to be given in a sarcastic way, I will try to turn it into a positive.

This doesn't always work on a day of depression, but I don't run away from compliments now.

So these days I try to say Thank you for compliments.

Cheers Paul and all, from Mrs. Dools

A Quick Self Confidence/Esteem Check

Just Sara — Sat, 11 Jun 2016 23:32:58 GMT

Oh Mrs D; Thanks for the chuckle! The word 'thing' does have a diverse range of meanings. It's true!

Just sayin'...Dizzy x

A Quick Self Confidence/Esteem Check

White_Rose — Sun, 12 Jun 2016 00:31:07 GMT

Hello Paul

Well you certainly believe in keeping us honest. Several of your threads have made me sit up and take notice because they apply so well to me.

I think I have given all four answers at different times. As Geoff said it does depend to some extent on where you are in the depression washing machine. I also think it depends where you are physically when given a compliment. Being 'modest' is expected in some circles and I have found it more difficult to accept a compliment in a matter of fact manner (4) in some circumstances.

It is gratifying that someone notices when you do something well, but it is not a common practice to be acknowledged. Sometimes it takes us off-guard so we are left floundering a little. And at times what we do seems so small and insignificant that it is a surprise to hear someone praising you.

Having said all that I wish we gave recognition more often to good 'things' (thanks Bev). In general we are not looking for praise or thanks but it certainly is a morale booster. The fifth option for your list Paul.

5. Do we say thank you or congratulate ourselves on a job well done. If we can accept ourselves with all our failings we should also be able to accept ourselves having good, or admirable qualities. Recognising for our selves our better points also helps to be more confident. No need to go through a list of deeds done that day to see which of them deserve a pat on the back. The satisfaction comes straight away and we can give ourselves a big tick and then move on. I think that's true acceptance.

Mary

A Quick Self Confidence/Esteem Check

Guest_5218 — Sun, 12 Jun 2016 05:03:29 GMT

Hi Paul. I think for me it depends on how I am feeling on the day. So it varies considerably. On average I would say its a fairly even mix between options 1,2 and 3. Option 4 would be rare. In general I dont respond to compliments very well at all. They embarrass me, and I am left feeling confused and wary - do they mean it?

Sherie xx

A Quick Self Confidence/Esteem Check

pipsy — Sun, 12 Jun 2016 05:38:37 GMT

Hey Paul With me because of past insecurities, it was always 1. Now through BB and my volunteer work, it's 4, no hesitating. I've had to work hard to accept and believe in myself, but I have learnt to.

Lynda

A Quick Self Confidence/Esteem Check

Marcsa — Sun, 12 Jun 2016 06:37:15 GMT

Hi Paul and everyone,

I think I would respond with 1 and/or 2. Occasionally 3. I think my self worth is such that my confidence stays mostly at a low ebb. I know it shouldn't be so , but there you have it. Doesn't mean it will remain so always. I guess that's what I'm hoping for - change ( in me ).

A Quick Self Confidence/Esteem Check

Sharny — Sun, 12 Jun 2016 13:43:53 GMT

Hi Paul, thanks for the post!

I've had my fair share of number 1 and 3 in my life. I've never been comfortable with compliments.

Interesting thread.

A Quick Self Confidence/Esteem Check

CMF — Sun, 12 Jun 2016 21:53:33 GMT

Hi Paul,

I had struggled a lot in the past with self confidence and self esteem and would often use no. 1. I now accept who I am. I'm not perfect, I know I have faults and admit to them, I have weaknesses and I don't deny it or hide from them. if I receive compliments now I say 'thank you'. part of the reason for this is that I now feel if I use no.1 I feel as though I'm looking for more attention ie someone to say 'oh no, yes it is that good' which drags things out. if I use no. 3 I don't feel I'm being genuine.

so I now smile accept the compliment and say 'thank you'.

cmf

A Quick Self Confidence/Esteem Check

Clues_Of_Blue — Mon, 13 Jun 2016 08:54:51 GMT

Hi Paul,

I guess I'm the oddball in this thread (as I am in many places, which is something I am content with). Whilst I most definitely suffer from depression, I have at no time doubted my own worth. My depression has stemmed largely from the disparity between my understanding that I have worth, and men I have previously had in my life inevitably (once the chemistry wears off) treating me as though I don't have an awful lot of it, or that I was simply not there.

Within myself, though knowing I have my faults, I am and always have been content to acknowledge the good in myself and accept others pointing out things they value in me. Sometimes compliments are not entirely sincere, or sometimes someone shows a liking for something about me I don't entirely care for in myself. So what? Most of the time compliments are genuine, and I appreciate them. Often I even agree with them. They are a positive thing, where truthful, in both the giving and receiving, and sometimes offer me a pleasant perspective on myself I have not considered.

I would also like to point out that the giver of compliments deserves consideration. It can be a point of vulnerability, giving a compliment. A rare moment from a stranger that likes your ear-rings, or a spontaneous show of support from a loved one who wants you to feel like you matter. Rejecting a compliment is kind of like rejecting them, and how they feel about you, devaluing their opinion. It's not something I want to do to someone, when they just want to bring something positive into their environment. I'd rather give due consideration to their words and intent, and show them I value their input, whether I agree with it or not.

On the flip side, I know some people feel worse, receiving compliments, because it runs against their internal dialogue, so I am mindful of that in giving them. If I see I am making someone uncomfortable with compliments, I try not to overdo it, but find more subtle ways or carefully pick my times to show appreciation. It's no easy thing getting positive messages through to someone who doesn't believe them. I think it's worth trying, though.

Blue.

A Quick Self Confidence/Esteem Check

topsy_ — Mon, 13 Jun 2016 10:32:56 GMT

Mary, I love your image of "the depression washing machine". It's not only apt, but amusing too. Cheers, Lyn.

A Quick Self Confidence/Esteem Check

blondguy — Mon, 13 Jun 2016 12:23:31 GMT

Hi Dizzy, thankyou for replying. It means more than you know to read your feedback. You mentioned "Maybe they're just being polite"...I thought this same thought for years....and very understandably so too! I always had to cross reference if 'people really meant it' It took me years to figure out how my response to a compliment reflected my self confidence or lack thereof.

You also mentioned "I love and respect myself". You are doing so well Dizzy. For me, I cant really 'love myself' as I still cant get a 'handle' on that phrase. Everyone has a different way of expressing what you said. I have learned to be more easy on myself and say 'I will be gentle to myself' It does take some time and practice but if we use baby steps and substitute the word 'love' for gentle it can make a difference....even though we are really doing the same thing. You are a legend Dizzyx

A Quick Self Confidence/Esteem Check

Just Sara — Tue, 14 Jun 2016 01:26:33 GMT

Dearest Paul;

It was Nelson Mandella who said; "Who are we to deny our own greatness?" Thankyou for reminding me of his speech. It's pure mentoring and motivation at it's best.

I accept and appreciate your words gratefully and with Grace. The term 'legend' (thankyou by the way) represents something or someone worthy of going down in history as memorable for the lessons we can learn from them. I've said "You're a legend!" in the past too for this reason. You inspire with your 'love' for others Paul; respect, kindness and humility. These qualities are rare indeed.

Mandella speaks of our right and; obligation to ourselves in accepting our greatness as normal. I ask that you have a look-see at his speech on Dr Google.

I say this to everyone who inspires and teaches by example on this site. We err because we're human, and we deserve the very same sentiments we're willing to give to others.

By writing these words, I have inspired myself. This is love...accepting me.

So love you guys...Dizzy...Mwah!

A Quick Self Confidence/Esteem Check

blondguy — Tue, 14 Jun 2016 21:32:21 GMT

Hi Dizzy....thankyou for the reference...re Nelson Mandela...I'll have a sticky...Thanks

Hi Mrs Dools for replying...I am happy that you found some value in the topic....Its really an ongoing guideline where our self confidence/esteem levels are. Took me a lot of practice to 'get used to it' and just they thanks

Mary added a good # 5. Do we say thank you or congratulate ourselves on a job well done? A very important point where self nurturing is concerned. Thanks Mary...and also for the depression washing machine too 🙂

Sherie....people most of the time dont like wasting their breath by giving a insincere compliment. The person offering you the compliment would be happy by receiving 'thanks' as a response.:-)

A Quick Self Confidence/Esteem Check

blondguy — Tue, 14 Jun 2016 22:26:55 GMT

Lynda, Thankyou for your reply, I was the same as you...a number 1. Had to work had the base confidence levels to grow to saying Thanks to a compliment..Paulx

Marcsa, Thanks for posting and for being blunt too...there really isnt a right or wrong here but it does show us the way...always great to read your posts Marcsa..Paul

A Quick Self Confidence/Esteem Check

blondguy — Tue, 14 Jun 2016 23:12:49 GMT

Sharny, thanks for replying..many people arent comfortable with compliments...this post is just a 'guide' so we can use it as a gauge for our self confidence. Paul:-)

CMF...thanks for comments...It funny how saying 'thankyou' (yes it takes practice) also feels good after you say it, we can actually boost our self esteem by doing so..Nice1 cmf:-) Paulx

A Quick Self Confidence/Esteem Check

blondguy — Wed, 15 Jun 2016 05:28:09 GMT

Blues Thanks for replying, your feet are firmly planted on the ground yet you are kind enough to have that 'inbuilt radar' to tone down a compliment to some people as not to make them feel uncomfortable. Nice1 Paulx