topic The labyrinth of friendships in Staying well

The labyrinth of friendships

white knight — Sun, 12 Jun 2016 15:50:08 GMT

Many of us are withdrawn, we aren't as outgoing as those around us. We look around and say to ourselves "I have no friends".

If we need to work we prepare a resume, look for jobs, attend interviews and its not easy but we rise to the challenge or we simply won't get work.

Yet in finding friends we tend to think they just should be there automatically. That popularity among your own age group is a given. Why don't we accept that finding friends also needs effort and planning?, like looking for work or building a shed?

For example. If you weren't the sporting type but to enable you to mix with a new group meant joining a table tennis or badminton team would you do it? If you weren't all that keen on gardening but to make friends you joined a basic florist course would you try?.

The point here is that for those that feel they are suppressed in mood or other issues that reduce their outgoing ability, it will take effort to counter this.

Put it this way, enduring cycles of depression or even negativity, loss of confidence will take some effort to seek out new friends.

We don't need swarms of new friends. We really only need one or two. My wife met her best friend at a ceramic class and one at a sewing group. I met mine at a car club one at volleyball and another at a relaxation class.

You also might need to wait until your mood is on the up cycle to find the mental energy to try such activities. Don't be too hard on yourself but do challenge yourself when you feel good.

Just like looking for employment, finding friends needs some determination, planning and selling yourself. Sometimes moving on from friends that don't add value to your life.

New friends won't come knocking on your door.

Finding a new friend is entering a labyrinth. Meeting and considering if this one or that one will be compatible. Until one falls into place where the care is mutual and wonderful. Then you'll be so glad you tried.

Tony WK

The labyrinth of friendships

JessF — Wed, 13 Jul 2016 00:29:43 GMT

Hello Tony, another great post. Like many things related to our depression, it takes an effort to build up that resilient wall. Friendships are part of this. They need to be maintained, like a garden.

Some of us have had dreadful experiences with friends who haven't understood depression, and those friendships have fallen away. That can leave us feeling burnt.

But as you say, it can take a while to find 'your people'. Depression is so common. There are people out there who will 'get it'.

Challenging yourself to go out and do things is important. I once read a saying that you should do one thing everry day that scares you. It's about building your confidence up step by step.

The labyrinth of friendships

white knight — Wed, 15 Feb 2017 12:53:27 GMT

I thought I'd resurrect this thread due to several issues members have had with making friends.

Quoting JessF

"I once read a saying that you should do one thing everry day that scares you".

Great daily challenge.

Tony WK

The labyrinth of friendships

dueb — Sun, 19 Feb 2017 19:34:25 GMT

i'v understood the importance of friendship in the last 7 months,lucky for me he did come knocking at the door.i was very lucky and good friends are hard to find.i stayed in my comfort zone for too long, years.thanks for sharing white knight.

The labyrinth of friendships

white knight — Fri, 17 Nov 2017 01:33:04 GMT

MEET NEW FRIENDS

Just the cat, the telly and air

Seems life is all but despair

Look around no footsteps pound

There's nobody there

You put the walls up high

To stop the judging eyes

But you need to speak though mind is weak

You need human contact...its what you seek

So gentle balance is your task

Even with your yellow mask

Build a gate, invite one in

All you can do is ask

Reach out, give to some

Under dark clouds be the sun

Make life worth it meet new friends

Then life has just begun...

Tony WK

The labyrinth of friendships

fringelily — Fri, 17 Nov 2017 01:50:56 GMT

Looking for new friends is just like trying to find a new job.

I thought I had 2 good friends, but when I had major surgery earlier this year, neither of them contacted me to see how I was for weeks afterwards. And my other friend has dropped me like a rock because I've finally found a job. Apparently she isn't interested in meeting up on weekends or after work. So I guess I have to admit that right now I have no friends. But I will get out there and start again 🙂

The labyrinth of friendships

white knight — Fri, 17 Nov 2017 06:45:14 GMT

Hi fringelily

Thats no good, when the chips are down your friends go missing. When that happens unexpectedly it throws you.

Onwards and upwards, kick goals, other people deserve our friendship.

I suppose you can take the view that your obligations to them is much less?

Tony WK

The labyrinth of friendships

Airies — Fri, 17 Nov 2017 07:35:35 GMT

Hi Tony

that poem resonates with me. I have withdrawn, have 2 friends who I see about 4 times a year. Doing my Dbt grad group, which is less frequent contact with people. When ready will reach out. I like the poem,

cheers Airies

The labyrinth of friendships

white knight — Mon, 20 Nov 2017 14:11:29 GMT

Hi Airies

Thankyou.

Withdrawing isnt all bad, it can be a defense for many reasons.

Google

Topic: fortress of survival- beyondblue

But we also must accept ourselves

Topic: accepting yourself, the frog and the scorpion- beyondblue

Repost anytime

TonyWK

The labyrinth of friendships

Kiag34 — Wed, 13 Jun 2018 03:59:19 GMT

So Im having a hard time. I’m not fitting in. I dont have any friends. I have people I say hi to but no one asks me to go out after work. It makes me sad to see others happy…. because I’m not part of it.
I tended to say I dont need friends. I havent had a proper good friend since yr8.Thats more than literally half a lifetime ago. Friends are great to have; even best friends move away and soon enough make new ones eventually forgetting you even existed except as a distant memory. I wonder if any of my letters were kept in a special container alongside certificates, collectors items, postcards to be re-read bringing back fond memories. I have a pillowcase in my special box that was a youth activity to share comments about the group that tells me I smile a lot, am funny and fun to be around. That friendly energetic person seems to have gotten lost. I don’t like this game anymore. A pillowcase today would be much more diplomatic as there would be less positive forthcoming words to share. But then again, I’ve said a number of times, I don’t need to have friends. When I have something exciting to share I can post online but that’s generic, impersonal so doesn’t actually fill the hole that a friend I can call might do. Am scared of failing, dont return texts in case I say the wrong thing… again. It can be hard to smile when my insides are twisting. I cant always ask for your hug unless I know its genuine. I’ll very likely only tell part of the story because you have asked but its too much to hear at once.
The internet has so many quotes and memes but they make it sound so much more scary when written down. Is it that bad or do I just not want to acknowledge that - I’m not one of ‘those’ people who are hopelessly unable to deal with life because of mental illness. I worry about me. Whilst I’m caught up with all this negative self talk, sadness, heart flutter anxiety I'm missing out on being present. Amongst all that mental constant-ness I am bare bones lonely.
Friends do not come naturally to me. I wish dearly to have real friends. I have appointment with psychologist because it’s gotten me more down lately. Its kinda reassuring to know that in this mental health world this experience is not just me.

The labyrinth of friendships

Doolhof — Wed, 13 Jun 2018 07:48:37 GMT

Hi Kiag34,

Thank you so very much for sharing your story with us. I'd just like to point out that this thread has not been used for quite some time. The original author of the thread is also no longer with this forum, so I am not sure how many responses you will receive here.

Are you comfortable starting up a thread of your own, that way you will receive more comments.

I'm so very sorry you are feeling the way you do. Friendships and relationships are important. It can be very hurtful when we feel like we are not included or accepted for some reason.

Recently I have felt a little invisible in a group I am involved in. Last week, 4 people of that group were not present, so I sent each person a text or email to let them know I missed seeing them that day.

These people wrote back saying they appreciated that I did that for them!

I decided that if I felt awful because people didn't reach out to me, than other people may feel similar if people don't reach out to them!

I have decided to keep these people on my radar. Nothing may come out of it. We may not form close friendships, I will feel more able to chat to them when I see them next.

Is it possible for you to reach out to someone and ask them if they would like to join you for a movie, a coffee or what ever.

If the answer is no, that is okay too. We don't all get along well with each other, or that day and time might not suit.

Hopefully you will gain a few replies here, if not then maybe try a thread of your own as I suggested if you are comfortable doing so.

Cheers to you from Dools

The labyrinth of friendships

RainbowSunshine — Wed, 13 Jun 2018 09:40:21 GMT

Hey Kiag34,

First of all, what you're talking about is a similar problem that I still have to try to overcome at times, and it takes guts and courage to share your experiences with us so thankyou! It sounds like you're having trouble transitioning from acquaintances to friends, and that's completely normal, we have periods where we feel lonely in life (although I know it's extremely painful). What you have to do is trust yourself, which takes years and years of refining but it will serve you so well. I've only very recently made an effort to trust myself after years of doubting myself 24/7 and it's changed my life already. When you don't feel like sending that text message because you're scared that you might say the wrong thing, try to encourage yourself to trust that whatever response you've formulated is valid and okay (as long as it's not hurting others). It's difficult, it really is, and it takes a while to make it a habit, but I believe in you 🙂

And also, it sounds like you have a bit of a low image of yourself from that pillowcase story. I'm sure many people would fill up your pillowcase with lots of compliments and positive things, you seem like a wonderful person! This is such a hard thing to deal with, socialising and social lives in general are difficult, but you've got this and you will find the people who you click with! Oh, another thing, to deal with that negative self-talk, anxiety and not feeling present, I highly encourage you to get into mindfulness exercises. They are plentiful on the internet, I personally love calm.com (they do multiple free mindfulness sessions but it gets to a point where you have to pay).