topic Keeping my spirits up. in Staying well

Keeping my spirits up.

ChrissyStar — Tue, 13 Dec 2016 08:24:14 GMT

HI all, how are you? Great, I hope! I need somewhere to chat and keep connected to people....somewhere I can boast on my achievements to keep my spirits up and connect during the down times. I thought I would try here. Maybe I will number them for clarity.

1. I recently found myself stuck in front of the TV - for a very long time. It was a "safe" place where I could tune out and forget about my worldly problems. Of course this just meant time ticked over and the disappointment in not achieving anything piled up...and the chores as well...so it didn't actually help - just was an escape. I became trapped in this place and I couldn't get out. I'm not sure what changed - maybe the pending new year gave me hope of a fresh start....whatever it was, I am happy to say that I have broken out of it. I have cleaned the walls of the house (which were not clean when I moved in +6 months ago and hadn't been done in over 20 yrs) and got some furniture arranged in a more livable pattern. I am so proud of myself!!! The thoughts of whether or not this was fair on myself (feelings of being a victim) have dissipated too. I have gotten through 3 rooms and am now starting on the kitchen (one of the worst hit spots with the rodent droppings). And the feelings which stop me in my tracks has not arisen. Thank you for allowing me to express this here. Giving me "someone to talk to". Even though I do not expect a reply. Just the connection makes all the difference. I am not alone. Till next time. Live on!

Keeping my spirits up.

white knight — Tue, 13 Dec 2016 12:07:02 GMT

Hi Crissy star, welcome

Well fine, you broke the routine!

You might be interested in a recent thread. Google. Topic: anxiety? Plan your future- beyondblue

It depicts our need to plan things as we do with so many other aspects of our lives but with mental illness we are too preoccupied with the present.

Youve posted on a terrific forum.

Tony WK

Keeping my spirits up.

romantic_thi3f — Tue, 13 Dec 2016 23:10:17 GMT

Hey ChrissyStar,

Thank you for your post and woo hoo!! Congrats lady 🙂

It sounds like you've had a massive few wins and I appreciate you sharing them with us.

We actually have a long running thread about our wins which you may want to use -https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/share-your-achievements-small-or-big

Keep posting if you like but definitely keep recognising them and celebrating them!

Keeping my spirits up.

ChrissyStar — Wed, 14 Dec 2016 02:46:53 GMT

2. I have awoken today not feeling too bad - but completely low on energy and rather depressed. I feel like lying in bed all day doing nothing and so far, that is what I have done. I have tried to off-set this by watching videos which can help me train my horse - so doing something worthwhile with the time. But still, I would rather be downstairs cleaning my kitchen and getting somewhere I need to be faster than right now. What is wrong with me!!? I just don't understand where all this dead-ness comes from and why I just don't want to do anything. I feel so alive and jam packed full of potential in my mind and spirit...but when it comes to it physically - well, I just can't be bothered. The contrast is so frustrating and makes me want to cry.

Keeping my spirits up.

pipsy — Wed, 14 Dec 2016 04:31:22 GMT

Hi Chrissy. What comes to mind here is the thought you seem to be competing against yourself. You want to do everything - now, but your energy levels are low, so you fight against yourself. Depression is the first thing that comes into mind here. When you want to do something and you feel as though it's 'too hard,' the depression takes over leaving you drained. I suggest you take a step back and look at what gives you pleasure. Training your horse would be a pleasurable thing as it wouldn't be in the same class as a 'chore'. Housework, etc are chores, and boring. Watching t.v can be boring, but if you watch an interesting program, quite often you get ideas for hobbies. Cleaning your kitchen sounds tedious, listening to music while cleaning can be a bonus. Music seems to cheer because while you're listening, housework seems easier.

Lynda

Keeping my spirits up.

romantic_thi3f — Wed, 14 Dec 2016 22:28:32 GMT

Hi ChrissyStar,

Thank you for posting again and I'm sorry things have changed so much for you yesterday. It sounds like it was very sudden and pretty upsetting to be so high and then so low again.

I know from my experiences depression can be very much up and down; they'll be moments where I'm feeling good and can do things (like take my dog for a walk or tidy up the house), and then other moments where I don't even want to get up from the floor. The thing to remember is that it's normal and it's okay to have big contrasts in our moods. The other thing to remember is that having a 'down' day doesn't mean that your depression is getting worse, or that you're 'not going a good job'. The good days still matter.

In your first post you said that you were happy because you cleaned the walls and moved the furniture; but it's also worth noting that not only did you do that (which sounds soo exhausting) but you also recognised that TV was an escape (a big deal and a hard one), and you reached out to us (which can take an enormous amount of courage).

Keeping my spirits up.

ChrissyStar — Thu, 15 Dec 2016 01:39:43 GMT

Thank you for your support, I especially loved the observation that I am competeing with myself. I had not thought of that before and yes you are completely right - I am competeing with myself. I am competing against time - I am 38yrs old and do not have children. There are a couple of issues here that stop me from doing so: 1) I won't bring a child into the world dependent on Centrelink. Both my boyfriend and I are. I am developing a small business and changing this but my partner does not seem interested in working on finances. 2) My boyfriend and I have not been intimate in years. We just "spoon". I don't think it's right to bring a child into the world unless the parents are in love - and physically attracted to each other (more than comfort spooning). This is huge driver of my depression - not having kids & the clock ticking over. I of course have to leave - but I cannot leave unless I have a car (we live remotely) and finances to get a place to live in....thus another need to work on the small business. Except I can't work on the business if I live in a rat-infested hole - thus the massive cleaning spree I am currently on. So the upside is that I know what my problems are and what I need to do - and if I can manage it so that it doesn't overwhelm me and I seek solace in fantasy TV land - then I am working towards the right direction. Once I get some finances up I can break up and move out. I feel terrible about it all. But if I am going to have both a life I can be proud of (by supporting myself financially), a relationship (not a friendship) and a child - then I have to do it. And I have to do it within the next couple of years. Oh, and did I mention I feel I also have to stop using the drug crutch? What a mess! However, it could be worse - afterall, my 20's were spent in and out of jail & living with no fixed place of abode! So all in all - I am on the up.

I think what makes it worse, is that I had an excellent education, am intelligent, super attractive and have a great personality. And my mother makes sure I know this and that I am not doing what I "should" be doing...however that doesn't change anything, just reminds me of what a failure my life is. Such is life.

Keeping my spirits up.

ChrissyStar — Thu, 15 Dec 2016 01:40:09 GMT

3. Today I got up ok. I was fearful of a repeat of yesterday (which
was horrific - stayed in bed all day forcing myself to sleep + watching
dud TV shows I hated till I fell asleep). But it wasn't. I am rather
suprised & confused at exactly why not? Is it because I stayed up
till 2am listening to self help videos and cleaning? I have to get up
to feed the horse every morning - maybe the 6hrs sleep (in stead of
10-12hrs) is good for me somehow. Whatever it was, I felt ok this
morning. And it felt good last night (self-help videos + cleaning)...so
that is also what I plan to do today. Thanks for being here to share
with + for your replies (they mean alot and help heaps!!). And I wish
your day brings you happiness + peace.

Keeping my spirits up.

pipsy — Thu, 15 Dec 2016 05:53:32 GMT

Hey Chrissy. Just because you haven't achieved everything you wanted, it doesn't make you a failure. Failure's are people who don't try because it's 'too hard'. You gave it your best shot with everything you planned. You spent time in jail, you experimented with drugs, everything you did was because you had to see where you were going. Through experimenting with drugs, being in jail etc, you learned you didn't want that kind of life. You are focussed on what you want, with hoping to start a business, wanting children etc. You also know whether you and your bf are 'together' in what you both want. When you say you have to leave, are you talking about leaving your bf, or leaving where you are living. If you feel your relationship is no longer right, this is something you have to decide. You mentioned lack of intimacy, is this because neither of you want to be intimate or because you don't feel the same about him? You have to do what makes you happy. Try not to take what your mum says 'on board'. Sometimes, we mothers say things we shouldn't, out of love - yes, but sometimes it's better to say nothing. I frequently have to 'bite my tongue' with my grown children. You never stop being your mothers 'babies' and we tend to forget you are grown people with the right to be your own person.

Lynda

Keeping my spirits up.

ChrissyStar — Thu, 05 Jan 2017 13:27:00 GMT

Hiya, thank you for your reply - I appreciate it heaps!! I am talking about leaving my BF because it is his house and we do not make love. This is important to me - for passion (& closeness) + having children (which I have not had yet and I am now 38yrs old, so time is ticking!!). We do not make love - I don't know why. It is something to do with him - he is not interested. We went through a period where I would get really frustrated because he did not want to touch me. I would get so frustrated I would sometimes just storm out, or hit myself in the chest/heart (it was THAT frustrating & emotionally upsetting to me at the time). Those times are long gone now and I have accepted that we are friends and that love making is not something that we do. I do not attempt to make love to him and he does not attempt with me. He is welcome to - we sleep next to each other every night. He sometimes spoons me but never goes further. Such is life. I am suprised to find tears are coming to my eyes as I write this. Sad stuff, I guess (for me, anyway). I fear I will never find a lover or someone to have children with. The thing is, we were living in a caravan which became rat infested and horrid. I went into a really bad depression and was desperate to get out of the living environment. His father suggested buying a place we could live in and we did this. Now I live in his house and as I do not have any money and am battling this depression - I feel I have no choice. I am lucky in a sense - while I get myself together I have a good place to live. But at the same time - I am sure that I would not have experienced any depression if it wasn't for the relationship breakdown - when we stopped making love. It was my fault - he wanted me to leave him alone, but I just couldn't understand why we couldn't have Utopia and refused to leave. It was around this time we stopped making love. The bad thing is we both got opiate habits. At first I would say I did not want it, but he would badger me until I had it with him - he didn't want to do it alone. I thought I could handle it and caved with the aim of stopping soon. Then the love making stopped and he rejected me emotionally. I did not understand why - at time he treated me very badly emotionally, like I was an annoyance and beneath him. My pride was hurt and slowly, the opiates were what we shared. This was our thing - sadly. And then I entered teh deep depression. And now voila - I am where I am...

Keeping my spirits up.

pipsy — Thu, 05 Jan 2017 20:09:32 GMT

Hi C.S Trying the opiates suggests a means of escaping the reality of your lifestyle. Everyone tries escaping, some succeed. I would say most of the depression you're suffering is because you feel obliged to remain where you are and accept the lifestyle. Your depression was something he didn't understand and couldn't handle, so the drug intake began. Any sort of substance abuse lowers the libido, therefore the sexual urge is forgotten. Your depression became more full-on your mind became 'cloudy', depression does this, his drug abuse continued, he possibly thought sharing the drug with you would help you. You are now on an emotional merry-go-round and desperately need assistance to leave it. His rejection is purely and simply because he has no idea what's wrong or how to help you. He is obviously happy with the lifestyle and can't understand why you aren't. Are you seeing a Dr for support with the depression? C'link can help financially with relocating, but you would need to see them and fill out forms. They will assist you. Take it slowly as and when you are able. The first step would be to see your Dr for support with the depression. Once your mind clears of the depressive fog you are in, C'link will assist you financially with relocating. BB is always here to guide and support as and when you require. You're never on your own.

Lynda

Keeping my spirits up.

ChrissyStar — Mon, 09 Jan 2017 05:54:45 GMT

Post Number: ? (Doesn't matter).

Hi, just checking in again. Today I am starting to clean the study. This is the most important room in the house (besides the kitchen) as it is where I will work on getting my small business up and running. The rats have really gotten into this one room and it is hard to confront. Additionally, I am unsure of where to put all my gear which means cleaning it & putting it (probably and possibly) back into the same spot! It doesn't really solve the problem. Sadly the problem is solved by rat poison which is a slow and painful death for the animals which I consider to be no different to myself. I have tried all sorts of ways of dealing with them but have found the only one that works is the rat poison. My bf has been away at work for a week which is paid. I was pretty happy about this as I have been supporting him for the past 3 months since i got paid (a largeish sum for the 2 weeks I worked). This money has finaly run out. Funnily enough I was suprised to find he has spent all the money on opiates when he was working. That really pisses me off - but hey, I have to accept the fact that this has been his thing long, long. LONG before i came on the scene and I can't expect him to have the same opinion as me about it - that it's a waste of time. I am really happy to say that my use has dropped off significantly and is on it's way to ceasing use all together - which I was able to do since he has been working away. One thing I hate about this whole thing, is that he is not my rock. I woudl realy really love to have my bf as my rock - rather then have to be my own rock. It's tiring. But I am so proud of myself for dropping my use so much when he is working away. Really proud. It gives me hope. Now all I have to do it wait for him to go to jail in a couple of months and I'll be able to stop all together. By then my study will be clean and I will (hopefully) happilly (?) working on getting my small business up and running. I will be opiate free + working on a stable income. YAY!!! I am getting there...slowly but surely. I haven't had that many depressive days where I can't get out of bed or wake up via a panic attack lately which is good - I've been listening to You Tube videos under "light language meditations" before sleep each night. It seems to be doing me the world of good - if it continues, miraculously so! I recommend it. Thank you to those who post such. Your work has been my saviour.

Keeping my spirits up.

ChrissyStar — Wed, 11 Jan 2017 02:41:11 GMT

Thank you Pipsy for your reply. Although alot of it is extremely wrong (ie. my bf was using opiated 15 years before I came along so his use is def not because of me - in fact it's the opposite, my depression is due to my use and my use is because of his habit. Thus my desire to break up with him and move away.). However, your suggestion that opiates are an escape is something I wish to talk about. I began a reply in which I explained that opiates can be an escape but most of the time it is to physically feel euphoria. That is why I initially started. But the opiates I use now do not provide me with this - it is more like relaxation from drinking half a beer. This is a very accurate description because alcohol's effect is due to it activating the opiate receptors. I am Finnish by blood and alcoholism runs in my genes. I am not using alcohol to activate the opiate receptors but opiates to activate the opiate receptors. That is just the way it is. However, I did wish to discuss a fear I have which I believe may contribute to the addiction. I have a fear that I will be a slave to society. I witnessed severe unhappiness in my childhood. My father and mother were not really matched. They are opposites and it caused friction. I grew up vowing to myself I would never live in such a lifestyle. However, I was not unable to separate theirs from the 2.5 kids (average). Thus, I have an inherent fear of working, coming home, having a family - general living stuff. Sadly, I crave this and it is all I desire - a good man & kids. I am just so confused about it all. I need something to take away this decision I made as a child - the vow to never, ever get "married". It is really ruining my life and making me choose drug addicts and other dysfunctional partners. Please help! I need to release past decisions which no longer serve me. And believe that it is not too late.

Keeping my spirits up.

pipsy — Wed, 11 Jan 2017 03:18:14 GMT

Dear ChrissyStar. My apologies for any misunderstanding your original post. When you mentioned the opiate use, you actually omitted to mention your bf had been using for 15 years. However, that's beside the point. Any sort of non-prescribed drug intake does create a 'euphoric or calm' feeling, which is why many people take recreational drugs. However the 'down side' means you need to keep taking them to keep the calm feeling. The alcohol intake causes the depression to 'kick in', the opiates relax you so you start feeling calm. The choices you make regarding your lifestyle are yours. Our parents often raise us the way they were raised, we grow, observe their interaction and decide either we want the same as they have or we want something different. Whether you choose to marry, have children etc is something only you choose. I made many wrong decisions about my life's partners and I am now in a relationship which suits me. The knowledge you have about your past partners should be able to guide you in meeting someone who could be better for you. If you have met your past partners in areas that promote drug/alcohol use, I would consider suggesting you try to avoid these areas and try less toxic areas. There are heaps of social groups where meeting people who are not so toxic might be better for you. Are you a social-type person or are you a type of introvert? Try 'googling' social clubs in your area.

Lynda

Keeping my spirits up.

ChrissyStar — Sat, 14 Jan 2017 02:33:30 GMT

New day.....today I am observing that I have some kind of block in doing what: 1) Is best for me. 2) I enjoy most. I don't understand this. I have a great career (even if it's at the very beginning stages after education + experience in the field) + have undertaken a small business (in which I am the only employee). I need the study to work on this (I need a space to do so where i can lay out all the paperwork + display the appropriate books)....and after a recent rat infestation (which I have now got under control) it needs cleaning. I am at the end of cleaning it - but do you think I could get it done!!?? No way...I have been putting it off and off and off...watching movie after movie after movie....what is wrong with me!!!??? Is this a fear of success? WHY OH WHY would someone have a fear of success? Why would I have one - when I have so much potential. If it even a fear of success? Is it a fear of failure? It ain't gonna fail - (luckily) it's an assured thing. Do I not feel I deserve it? Geez, that hits home a little...maybe even a fear of being "better" (whatever that means) than my Dad (who I love and hates to be showed up). Oh, this sux. Why should I want to destroy my life so my father feels superior....when surely a successful daughter would mean even more superiority....or is it my mother who always told me horrible things my Dad said about me....which he said to hurt her (or get space from her). I just don't know. But would like to thank Beyond Blue for providing me a space where I can rant and ramble until I hit the nail on the head and then pull the rusty thing out!!! Any comments are way welcome. I'll get there. The sooner the better!!!! FOr all our sake - my job is the creation of utopia (permaculture) which we all need to survive on planet earth. Namaste.

Keeping my spirits up.

ChrissyStar — Sat, 14 Jan 2017 21:57:26 GMT

Hiya Pipsy, how are you? Great I hope! I just thought I would provide you a little feedback regarding one of your posts. I can see that you enjoy helping others and that you put a lot of effort into paying attention to the information in posts, so I thought you might appreciate some feedback. I just wanted to let you
know that you may be able to have greater understanding and impact if you treat the interactions more like a conversation rather than stating facts about another person’s life. What I mean by this is instead of stating a fact, offer a suggestion or solution as part of a conversation. This would remove the possibility of getting it wrong (because instead of stating facts there would be suggesting scenarios) and also removing the statement style assures that the person will not take offense or take it personally. I believe that suggestion and conversation can have just as much, if not more impact as statement (which implies authority) because the person is more involved. Let me give you an example. When you assumed that my bf had just started taking opiates and that this was a result of my having depression, you stated this as a fact. However, in real life I am depressed because of the opiates and he has been taking them for 15 yrs before meeting me. In stating this belief, you made me feel like it was my fault that he was taking opiates. Even though I know it was a misunderstanding and not true, it was emotionally traumatic for me & offensive. I can see that if you had
taken the approach of having a conversation with me and thus made the suggestion that he was taking opiates because of my depression, then the authoritarian statements would have been
avoided and I would not have felt like it was my fault (which further compounds the depression). Interestingly, I just had this conversation with my mother, however with her it was about the difference between having a conversation with someone (where there is back and forth interaction) to telling someone (where one person talks and the other does not...this is of course the same authoritarian style which occurs in statements). She thanked me for pointing this out as she obviously values the conversation over the “telling someone” as it obviously has more meaning to both people and thus greater impact. I hope this helps. And once again, thank you for all your inputs, I greatly appreciate that you are here for me. Namaste.

Keeping my spirits up.

blondguy — Sat, 14 Jan 2017 22:17:04 GMT

Hi ChrissyStar

You have chosen a forum with a great community and good on you.

I read about what you said about fear of success. You are absolutely spot on.....Its a normal fear of failure that is the issue which then can effect your ability to succeed...It also means you are human too 🙂

Great to have you as a member of the family on BB

my kind thoughts

Paul

Keeping my spirits up.

pipsy — Sun, 15 Jan 2017 02:50:55 GMT

Dear ChrissyStar. I never suggested anything about your bf's opiate use being your fault. He chose to start using them, his choice, not yours. From your description, your depression is being compounded by his continued opiate use and this needs attention if you wish to remain with him. Depression can be overpowering and help is required as it clouds your mind and help is required to clear it. If his continued use of opiates is depressing you, and he is not listening to you, this is indeed sad and furthering your depression. I'm not suggesting he is to blame, nor you, you may have to accept that you may not be suited as a couple. However, only you would know that. I wholeheartedly apologize for any misunderstanding and hope this is acceptable. The merry-go-round of emotions here is really sad and knowing you have options available means you can choose what you want to do. I would never advise anyone to stay or leave a relationship as I don't have that right, some people posting on these forums (not to you), have stated that leaving is the best option. Sometimes 'time out' for breathing space can be invaluable as it gives both people involved a chance to see where they are. The effects of continued opiate use I referred to was actually in relation to your bf's use not you. Whatever you choose to do, I wish you well. Again, my sincere apologies.

Lynda

Keeping my spirits up.

ChrissyStar — Tue, 17 Jan 2017 06:06:29 GMT

Today an old friend who I used to live with has popped up out of the blue and we are hanging out. It is great to just hang out with someone. I have so few people in my life because I live remotely. I never realised how much people mean to me. Without them their just seems no point. What is the point in getting dressed if there is no one to see what you wear? What is the point of working if there is no one to work for? What is the point of cooking a meal if there is no one to cook for?...and so on. What difference or impact does one person have if no one else will ever be affected by their actions - what is the point? Am I feeling like this because we are inherently communal beings and we live for each other, or because I don't have kids to live for, or because my disinterested boyfriend makes me feel like I don't exist or am a failure? Or is this just what happens when there is no one around? This is beyond "what's the point of putting make up on if no one sees you"...it's "what's the point of existing if you have no one in your life"? Any enlightenment on this topic would be greatly appreciated, thanks.

Keeping my spirits up.

ChrissyStar — Wed, 18 Jan 2017 23:11:37 GMT

Finishing my last post left me in a state. I was feeling hopeless and dead inside. I couldn't find the point of living due to extreme loneliness and reached out asking if anyone could provide me a brighter outlook in my bleak state. Over the next day or so, I wondered if I would have a special email from the Beyond Blue forum moderators asking if I was going to kill myself....but no message. It obviously did not sound as bad as I felt - or they are able to pick up on whether or not the likelihood is high enough. Furthermore, I did not get even a reply to the post. I guess I did not communicate what I was feeling all that well. Maybe it sounded like a bit of fun or just a regular rant. Afterall & overall that is what I started and used this site for - a bit of a rant. How are peeps to know whether it's just another rant or deadly serious. Well, it all feels deadly serious to me - it's all very real. I rant to release. It's happening to me alright. And sometimes I can handle it, sometimes not so much. Amazingly in my despair a very old friend began to text me. Maybe this is why Beyond Blue forum did not respond - because life had other plans. He (my friend) is going through emotional relationship issues as well. We have been able to rant and console each other. Life is coming to my rescue. Naturally and beautifully. I love it when that happens. I have the ability to see the deeper meaning of things and can very clearly observe the elements in my life which are the natural world coming to my rescue. It would be called God if it was explained to a religious person. I just call it life. Thank you life for coming to my rescue. And providing me what I need.