topic AM I DEPRESSED OR INSANE ? in Staying well

AM I DEPRESSED OR INSANE ?

Guest_3712 — Mon, 10 Mar 2014 03:24:12 GMT

Hi friends,

I haven't posted for a while but have been reading your posts and sending out my positive vibes to you all.

I have been struggling for several weeks. Just when I think I have this thing figured out, BAM! another stumbling block.

Lately I have been asking myself, am I depressed or insane?? or both ? The reason I ask this is my symptoms are forever changing and I just wonder am I doing this to myself.

I have had many very scary panic attacks over the years but would never really say I was an anxious person- depressed yes, not anxious. But over the last few weeks my anxiety has been through the roof. Shakes, pounding heart, nausea, sweats all of it.

I am edgy moody and not nice. I am taking more meds to counter act these symptoms and / or drinking to calm down.

What the ?????

I thought I would look into the definition of INSANITY and came across some quotes that resounded with me and I thought I would share.

From Albert Einstein- INSANITY - DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AND EXPECTING DIFFERENT RESULTS. ( well yea that's me alright)

From Stephen Hawking - INTELLIGENCE IS THE ABILITY TO ADAPT TO CHANGE. ( so I'm not so smart either)

From Buddha -- YOU CAN SEARCH THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE FOR SOMEONE WHO IS MORE DESERVING

OF YOUR LOVE AND AFFECTION AND YOU WILL NOT FIND THAT PERSON. YOU YOURSELF AS

MUCH AS ANYBODY DESERVE YOUR LOVE AND AFFECTION. ( love this)

From Winston Churchill- IF YOU'RE GOING THROUGH HELL , KEEP GOING !!!

I have to figure all these guys were pretty smart, so they probably know what they are talking about. So if I am summarising correctly I need to

1/ change my behaviours if I want different results

2/ BE smart enough to Adapt my lifestyle to these changes

3/ love myself as much as I love others in my life

4/ Keep going- don't give up even if my road at times is like hell on earth.

WOW IS THAT ALL ?

I should have this licked in no time!

I am really tired though, I try and try again but it is always lurking behind me ready to pounce and destroy whatever momentum I have created.

love to hear what others think re the insanity analogy

Be kind to your self

Stressless.

AM I DEPRESSED OR INSANE ?

Neil_1 — Mon, 10 Mar 2014 03:48:21 GMT

Dear Stressless

"Be kind to your self" is a lovely way that you end your posts - and I hope when you write that, you think of Number One as well - um, that being you of course, Stressless.

I don't think you're insane Stressless - I think being 'insane' is where somebody does something so wildly out of control and against human nature that it just smacks of wrong in every sense. For example, I think Martin Bryant is insane. No "sane" person would have been able to do what he did.

Here's another definition for you:

To be clear, insanity is a legal term pertaining to a defendant's ability to determine right from wrong when a crime is committed. Here's the first sentence of law.com's lengthy definition:

Insanity. n. mental illness of such a severe nature that a person cannot distinguish fantasy from reality, cannot conduct her/his affairs due to psychosis, or is subject to uncontrollable impulsive behavior.

I don't think depression or mental health issues are linked to insanity. Even though the above definition touches on it, I still believe that people who suffer from mental health issues are able to distinguish right from wrong.

Wow, this is one hell of a thread that you've commenced. There could be a lot of posts here and an amazing array of others opinions.

But let me just say again and please put me "on record" for saying this: Stressless, I believe and know, that you are not insane.

Cheers

Neil

AM I DEPRESSED OR INSANE ?

Guest_3712 — Mon, 10 Mar 2014 05:24:08 GMT

Hey Neil,

Thanks for reply. I acknowledge I know right from wrong and I am not some crazy person with a machine gun.

I am however compulsive and these compulsions lead me into unhealthy behaviours.

I also keep repeating the same behaviours, knowing that they will lead me to nowhere good but yet I do it again. My psych says it's the comfort factor ( the devil I know scenario)

I read Jo's post where she said she felt this forum was a trigger and that is how I felt especially after the upsetting posts of a week ago.

It is such a dilemma. I can't talk to anyone in my life besides my psych , who actually hasn't personally experienced depression( I asked him in a rather childish manner I regret to say) but can at least understand if not feel.

That leaves you guys on BB . If it's the right thing to do why do I always feel so upset and anxious after reading everyone's posts and completely useless when I post something like what I'm doing now?

Like Jo I have tried staying off line, but find I have this compulsion to check in all the time. I don't know why. I can't and haven't helped any-one and even though I value everyone's input to my posts , the initial feelings of being valued as part of this not so exclusive club wear off and I'm back to questioning my sanity.

How can I make things stick.? My psych always make sense and I feel yea I get it , but then one thing happens and I forget everything and start sinking into the quicksand again.

Does anyone else feel like this? Or am I really losing my mind ?

BE kind to yourself

Stressless

AM I DEPRESSED OR INSANE ?

Girl_Anachronism — Mon, 10 Mar 2014 06:57:42 GMT

Hi Stressless,

I think you have enough defintions of insanity, so i won't go there but as you clearly do know the difference between fantasy and realiy I wouldn't say that it is descriptive that applies to you.

You say that you have compulsions and they lead you to unhealthy behaviours. You know right now, I am drinking iced coffee milk. I had to go the shops for cat supplies and didn't need to buy it. I could have saved the money. However everytime I am out shopping I hve this compulsion to buy something small for myself- some fruit, an iced cofee, a pack of mentos. Just a little something. Now particularl in the case ofsoft drinks and milk drinks, these are unhealthy for me. Yet I have this compulsion everytime and I obey it damn near every time.

Ona larger scale, I am a perfectionist who sabotages myself. I almost had a degree but didn't fight past the red tape to graduate, leaving me with 6 years of study and no degree. Countless times in jobs I have allowed my self to go so far with grand dreams only to falter at the last step. Compulsions happen to the best of us and while we can try fight them, I would wager there isn't a person on this Earth without them.

I would also argue that posts like this aren't useless. Youare finding a use by posting it, getting it off your chest and maybe getting some feedback, yes? That is a use. Your posts and more importantly you are not useless. Never think that.

Posting on here to help others is a strange phenomenon. We post to help others and to in some way help ourselves, either distracting ourselves or making ourselves feel better about ourselves by being there for others. As much as we help each other by even doing something as small as making them feel less alone in their feelings, even if we don't have any advice for them to solve their problem. In the end it is the other person that needs to make the appointment to see someone or take a pill or try and change a habit. We can only be there to encourage, guide them and help them up if they fall again. We may hand them the weapon but they need to swing it.

This is quickly turning into a wall of text so I'll try wrap this up. My psych pointed out something to me once, a couple weeks ago. I expected to get better after my breakdown in November. I expected it to be a linear relationship- alittle bit better everyday. No matter how small the increment, always going up. However the path to recovery seems to be more like the line on a heart monitor- up and down, up a bit more, down a little bit.

We only learn to walk by falling down. I still have to make peace with that.

Take Care,

GA

AM I DEPRESSED OR INSANE ?

joe_banana — Mon, 10 Mar 2014 11:02:28 GMT

Hi Stressless ,

It sounds like you hit the nail on the head with the last statement . Be kind to yourself . i am constantly beating my self up . then i have good days where i think , no screw you . i am good , i am worth something . then the next day knock me back down again . i guess finding that belief in ones self , trying to keep the bad thoughts away . would do wonders . but its the daily struggles with work and relationships , that cause another whole host of problems .

It is hell , and its full of landmines . and there is no other way out , but to go through it .

yes , be kind to yourself .

Joe Banana .

AM I DEPRESSED OR INSANE ?

Visual — Mon, 10 Mar 2014 11:10:31 GMT

You sound like a very determent person. i think you would benefit from taking some time out going for a walk often helps me during the day. And please stop drinking eat well stay healthy and drink something more healthy like tea or water.

AM I DEPRESSED OR INSANE ?

Guest_3712 — Mon, 10 Mar 2014 12:00:23 GMT

Thanks to all for the replies, my regular friends and to all you newbies I appreciate your time.

Unfortunately I no longer see any positives in my condition. I truly doubt I will ever be rid of this disease .

Stressless

AM I DEPRESSED OR INSANE ?

Girl_Anachronism — Mon, 10 Mar 2014 12:36:50 GMT

Hi Stressless,

You doubt but you aren't sure. There is a chance that you could be rid of it, or at least cope with it to the point of getting some enjoyment out of life again. Just think of that, what it would be like?

Isn't that chance worth fighting for?

Let us help you fight for it.

GA

AM I DEPRESSED OR INSANE ?

geoff — Mon, 10 Mar 2014 23:24:12 GMT

dear Stressless, let me put this to you, was I insane when depression ruled my life 24/7 for so many years, then why is it that now I am placed in the position I am in now.

Insanity doesn't come and go on a daily, weekly basis, whereas depression does come and go, although once we do have it it seems to be eternal.

Insanity means that you don't know the difference between right and wrong, whereas depression makes us believe that we will never get better, so that's a thought process, but it's not being insane. L Geoff. x

AM I DEPRESSED OR INSANE ?

Guest_3712 — Tue, 11 Mar 2014 00:32:33 GMT

hey Geoff,

thanks for your reply. I guess when I say insane I didn't really think it through and because it sounds better than crazy, or nuts .

I mean I have to be mentally unsound to keep going on this path of destruction. I know what I need to do I yet I don't or I do it for a while then go back to old ways.

I am so reliant on my medication to get through the days and when I look back at what I went through to get off all the opiates I was on- I swore on a stack of bibles I would never be dependant on meds again and yet here I am.

So many times I feel so close to be alright I can almost feel it , and then just when it's in my grasp someone pulls it out from under me.

I hate everything about me. How I look, the drugs I take , the way I snap at my family, everything.

I try to resist coming on here because I am scared this too isn't real and everyone is really laughing at me behind my back- see crazy I know.

what now?

GA , the fight is gone out of me- it's been too long, too hard and for what?

Stressless

AM I DEPRESSED OR INSANE ?

Neil_1 — Tue, 11 Mar 2014 01:44:48 GMT

Dear Stressless

The fight is for the hope and the chance that things will get better. It can't remain like being this. Not for every minute, every second, every hour, every day; you get the picture.

The thing I'd personally give up is the practice of swearing upon a stack of bibles or even just one. Don't think anything good could come out of that. Just my personal view.

If you're mentally unsound for falling back into the old ways, then I too am in your boat as well. However, I've accepted that this is the way I'm going to be. Constantly sad, depressed and just to know that when things happen in life, they will and I will notice them and that will be it. I take my meds like a good boy, i see my psych's, i see my gp (and guess what, they see me too) so that's good; we all see each other. But I'm no better. I have friends, but I don't see them or talk to them because I can't (or won't) - I don't know but there it is.

I think I'm over the hating phase that I went through earlier this year.

I also think I'm over the fighting phase as well ... where it's just acceptance of this is what it's like. Ok, I guess I am continuing to fight otherwise I wouldn't still be doing all what "I should be doing".

But Stressless, mentally unsound ... I don't think so, I don't think I'm mentally unsound, but I can relate to how you feel you are at this point in time.

I'm sorry, I think that was more about me than you ... but I just wanted to let that out.

Neil

AM I DEPRESSED OR INSANE ?

Guest_3712 — Tue, 11 Mar 2014 01:55:15 GMT

Hey Neil,

I get what you are saying. I guess I am just so angry with myself for heading in the direction I don't want to go- hospital

I have had 5 admissions to hospital, for depression, addcition and for ECT .

By far the worse was for addiction- this is prescription meds ( back then opiates)

I cannot begin to describe the horror of going through withdrawels even under controlled conditions. The anguish is indescribable. The physical and mental pain blur into one.

Everything hurts and yet I felt nothing.

I cannot go through that again and yet I continue to abuse my meds.

If this isn't "mentally unsound" then it must mean I am stupid - either way labels don't really matter .

Bottom line I am feeling so low I don 't know what to do anymore

Stressless

AM I DEPRESSED OR INSANE ?

geoff — Tue, 11 Mar 2014 02:43:06 GMT

dear Stressless, I agree with Neil, there's no point to ever believe that 'the stack of bibles' will ever help you, not even one bible, and sorry to those who believe that it can, because there's a belief for you that will give you some security, but for me and Neil it means bugger all, it hasn't ever helped those in trouble before and it won't in the future.

The horror of withdrawals for being on opiates, is really no different than the withdrawals of alcohol, except that it maybe more expensive, and is condemned in society much more than alcohol is, which is a legal drug.

I keep saying and I really understand that what I am about to say means sweet bugger all to you at the moment, but by hell and by crook, I was feeling no different than you are now, so who cared about me, well no one really, because they always blamed my consumption of alcohol as the real problem, that's crap, absolute crap, they didn't have the knowledge nor the understanding why I got drunk everyday, every single day, because my depression did this to me, so maybe I was mentally unsound at the time, but NOT stupid, I knew why I had to do it, it was my friend the only person I could rely on, it was sitting there beside me all the way, until I had the courage to poke my head out of this hole.

Hell how low could we get in depression, the hole is too deep, and the struggle to get even half way was too high up, so I fell again and again, over so many painful years, it just wouldn't let go of my legs, and laughed every time it brought me back to the bottom of the pit.

It's no different to a cat playing with a mouse, it let's it go, and the mouse thinks, yes I have out smarted the cat this time I will be free, but no it's drawn back into the playing arena, and eventually the cat wins, and so does depression, so we have to turn the mouse into a lion, so to speak, it does take time, and this is frustrating by hell it is, but I turned the tables, unbeknown as to how to, never ever thinking that it was possible, so I unchained my heart, but this experience is something that has taught me great methods.

As hopeless as you feel please trust me, my word is something that I respect, whether or not others feel that way, that's their choice. L Geoff. x

AM I DEPRESSED OR INSANE ?

Guest_3712 — Tue, 11 Mar 2014 03:31:48 GMT

Dear Geoff,

I have much respect for you, your experiences and your journey through this hell.

I totally identify with your reference to 'your friend' being there for you. It's exactly how I feel and yes no-one understands why I continue to use my meds

When I say I swore on a stack of bibles I was speaking metaphorically .

I can remember being in my hospital room, all alone no contact with the outside world ( except medical staff) for the first 3 days of detox.

I would be rocking back and forth on my bed, making deals with God, the devil anyone that would listen promising that if I got out of there alive I would never get in that position again.

I see the hurt I am causing and can't bear to look in their eyes. The hole is very deep Geoff, I agree and sometimes I literally struggle to breathe.

What is the answer??? Keep going???

Or not

Stressless

AM I DEPRESSED OR INSANE ?

geoff — Tue, 11 Mar 2014 14:27:40 GMT

dear Stressless, this is exactly how I felt, time after time, always thinking how the hell can I ever get of this hole, ( but much graphically ), everyday it was like here we go again, everything that was said to me just bounced off, I couldn't acknowledge anything that was said to me, especially my psychologist, but I stayed with her for 20 years, why, because she was always nice to me, she listened to me, watched me cry, and after the session I would say 'now my happy face will come on', but only until I got home.

My little dog ( not Moo-Moo )but Tessie would come and sit next with me, lie down and cuddle into my back and follow me everywhere, so she kept me going, but deep down I didn't want to, because the pain was constant, but here I am now I have come out a stronger person, something which I never ever believe could happen.

If there is ONE inch of breathing then this will pull you through, it sounds impossible I know, and I know that there never seems to be an end to all of this, but I look at this way, if you keep going then depression will tire of you and move on to another person, and how long this takes depends on the strength within you, it maybe hidden, but it's there somewhere.

So the answer to your question is to keep going, and trust me from the bottom of my heart, that it will pass, I never thought that it would, but here I am. L Geoff. x