topic Confusication! in Staying well

Confusication!

Just Sara — Fri, 30 Sep 2016 08:04:52 GMT

Confused Communication;

I sent my mum a msg today saying; "I'm getting some lunch and will be out afterwards" When I walked thru the door, she asked where her lunch was. "Umm..."

We had a laugh about it while I made her a sandwich. Miscommunication and misunderstandings are common with texting and msg's, especially with the amount of new mobile short-cut language now and gestures of smiley faces and the like. Emoticons are easier to identify but still may confuse people.

Writing here on BB can also be misconstrued or misinterpreted and cause some uncomfortable feelings; it's not easy to read between the lines.

Of course this happens face to face too, and can turn into an argument or disagreement when one person is trying to get something across and the other is confused. Anger, suspicion, fear or emotional hurt may follow.

I recently msg'd someone with a playful gesture and was responded to with a distant overtone. It upset me and made me wonder what I'd said to receive such an indifferent reply.

This person gained my trust thru positive gestures, words and phrases that gave me a sense of safety and trust. My msg was meant to engage in a non serious and playful manner, very different from previous msg's. It was my way of saying I felt more at ease, safe and relieved within our new found connection.

Men and women can communicate very differently, so 'confusications' between the sexes can erupt into all sorts of mis-read interpretations. After thinking about my playful words and gesture, it seemed it could've been interpreted as a proposal of becoming closer; more intimate. (Not sure actually) Time will tell.

Due to dealing with issues of anxiety and depression for instance, gestures and words can turn into the 'what ifs' very quickly. Panic about how to deal with such misunderstandings can escalate into major problem solving mode to confuse things even further. Then, collateral damage.

My son replied to me one day with; "ok..woteva" I rang him immediately. He told me he spoke like this to all his friends. I told him I found it disrespectful and hurtful, and not to use this language with me again.

Has anyone had any similar experiences like these?

Confusication!

blondguy — Fri, 30 Sep 2016 09:03:14 GMT

Hi Dizzy

I hear you loud and clear. I think texting/posting can be similar to watching black & white television as the true meaning/color of the written word can be misconstrued.

It can be difficult depending on our moods to see 'the color' in a text or post. I often have to re-read my posts here and my sms's to make sure there is some color in the conversation.

I have the same 'sterile' texts from my daughter even though she is just being 'cool'....Technology is wonderful but can be a pain at the same time.

Great topic Dizzy, Paulx

Confusication!

MsPurple — Fri, 30 Sep 2016 09:55:20 GMT

Hi Dizzy. I get exactly what you mean. I am not the best at getting sarcasm. I'm a bit like Sheldon from Big Bang Theory, unless obvious tone is used I won't get it. I am also not good a people giving feedback that doesn't do it in a positive light. Some bosses think that the positive things you do at work should be implied when you have work place meetings/reviews, but I find if they don't add it in I feel attacked and hurt. I find with predicitve texts wrong words are chosen all the time and it can make things really frustrating and it can elevate anxiety. I also find if people don't send a message and I see the three dots for ages I assume the message will be an attacking message. I think it is great you are teaching your son appropriate language now, because whenever I hear 'wat evs' I feel like what I have to say doesn't matter. I will try keep all your thoughts in mind when I post here

Thanks for the train of thought 🙂

Confusication!

Guest_322 — Fri, 30 Sep 2016 10:55:50 GMT

Hi Dizzy,

This is a really interesting and relevant thread. I agree that effective communication can be very tricky sometimes.

I think that you and Paul made some really valid points about how things can get a bit lost in translation whether it's in person or via text (especially via text).

I guess part of the challenge is because we can't see body language, hear intonations, etc, a lot is left to the imagination. And our imaginations aren't always attuned to what the communicator was trying to convey. It's tricky...

Personally, I've gotten into arguments with friends via text. Thankfully most of them blew over the next day but still...some actually got quite heated. One friend even cancelled a catch up over a text argument (she was that unimpressed with me). Luckily that's behind us now ha, ha.

What I've personally learnt from my text mishaps is to always state that I'm being sarcastic (or else it's easily misunderstood in writing like texts) e.g. I'll write "heavy sarcasm to be noted." And if I'm joking, I'll also write something like "joking" or "(jokes)."

Great food for thought that you've given us, Dizzy.

Dottie x

Confusication!

greywolf2 — Fri, 30 Sep 2016 15:50:02 GMT

Was looking around to see what's what and came across this thread. It seems I came to the right place.

My relationship ended a while ago, but he still contacts me every now and then. He was a mind game player who would court me with flowers and promises, then out of nowhere, he'd give me the cold shoulder. As Dizzy says, things can go wrong face to face too.

He had so many personalities it made my head spin. Who says; 'come ere, come ere, come ere; no..get away, get away, get away? Bill Cosby? (70's comedy track)

When Dizzy said she trusted someone and they turned their back on her, I got angry and hurt at the same time remembering what happened to me. That guy should've been up front with her and just asked; 'What do you mean?' I mean, how hard is that? For some I suppose it's too hard. They should have more guts than that.

Anyway, my first time..lol

Grey

Confusication!

geoff — Fri, 30 Sep 2016 18:21:58 GMT

dear Dizzy, how right you are with this comment and probably something that should have been mentioned a long time ago, because you may say something to someone who is asking for help but you are thinking the way you normally do, but how it comes across to that particular person may not be interpreted the way it's meant to be, so in other words that person asking for help may think that it's a rather rude or offensive message, when in fact it's far from that.
This could be the reason why they don't return any reply, however when someone is suffering from depression their mind is closed to any positive comments because negativity is in control.
Apart from mental illness exactly the same can happen and then bring the friendship to an end, which is disappointing because there was no intention at all for this to happen, so a lot of time can be spent trying to patch up the relationship but is it the same as it was before. Geoff. x

Confusication!

Quiettall — Fri, 30 Sep 2016 22:44:24 GMT

Hi folks

I am finding this a really fascinating thread. Apart from communicating with my family and friends back here, I am working with communication issues with new friends I have made in Vietnam. This is difficult trying to communicate warmth and deep intellectual things across a cultural barrier, where we tend to be very open and honest whereas Vietnamese are a lot more circumspect and cautious, and even protected in their thinking.

Building friendships with these dear people has been a real eye opener, as it has exposed to me lots of things we take for granted here, and that life in other cultures and countries are so much simpler.

In fact, I am finding it a little irritating now when I hear people gossip and carry on about others in a derogatory way, about relatively minor failings and issues.

Have I lost perspective, or is it just another learning phase I am going through?

Peter

Confusication!

Just Sara — Sat, 01 Oct 2016 00:39:56 GMT

Wow...what a response!

So very pleased this issue is up for discussion. My initial reasons for starting this thread was due mainly to the written word. But contemplating all the above responses, it cuts deeper than first thought.

Paul; I'm glad you get it too. You're right about colour. I used to edit my posts over and again to try and relay the 'perfect' wording. As time's gone on, practice has settled my lack of confidence to bring out my creativity with writing, which I so dearly love.

MsPurple; I'm a big fan of Sheldon too! He epitomises the top of the ambiguous spectrum when it comes to recognising (or not) emotional context. Isn't it interesting we use characters from the 'screen' as archetypal references?

Dottie; you've hit on a very important aspect of 'confusication'! When we say or write something, we don't normally add our intent to the message. By saying; "this is tongue in cheek" for instance, intent is communicated. Good job.

Welcome Greywolf2; I'm glad you found this thread too. Would love to hear more from you. Some people aren't comfortable in their own skin. I guess it's a form of agoraphobia actually. They put up walls when it suits, and in my experience this is usually due to running from accountability. Those who bring things out in the open are much braver than those who hide behind masks and socially acceptable 'image'. Good on you!

Geoff; You're right on the money! Again, this is a trust issue, but more-so 'self trust'. People with any type of mind confusion, will find it hard to interpret others, but also struggle with replies due to not understanding their own thought patterns. Without being able to describe fully their confusion, communication takes on yet another anxious or depressive subject to overcome. Well done!

Peter; Thankyou for your perspective. You're absolutely right. Cultural differences play a large role in relaying and receiving content. Whether that's emotional or factual. Without understanding cultural communication styles, one can fall victim to embarrassment or frustration. However, a well placed question and apology goes a long way. Trial and error, with a true intent to befriend someone thru perseverance can pay off.

Wonderful replies everyone! Keep it coming..

Dizzy xo

Confusication!

Just Sara — Sun, 02 Oct 2016 02:26:51 GMT

Just wanted to clear up something I wrote above re accountability; (Greywolf2)

It looks as if I've addressed the issue with some aggressiveness. There is a positive aspect and a negative one to accountability just like positive and negative stress. In a stressful situation such as being attacked, our response is fight or flight. Mountain climbing can be life threatening, but choice and time allowed for preparation both physically and mentally, can create an enjoyable experience even though it's very stressful. The chemical responses are similar, but not the same.

With accountability, looking inward at personal responsibility can be positive; (self assessment) and the choice to be accountable by asking for help or saying sorry for instance, can be rewarding. It opens up dialog and discussion.

The negative aspect is when people blame others and aren't willing to accept it's ok to make mistakes. It can lead to avoidance, and in some situations has the capacity to turn into bullying or extreme conflict with others.

In conflict resolution, the main objective is a win-win outcome; again this relates to communication and intent.

I'm probably getting a bit anal here, but today I'm suffering the pangs of self doubt. Sorry..

Dizzy xo

Confusication!

Starwolf — Sun, 02 Oct 2016 02:28:47 GMT

Hey Dizzy, thank you for initiating this interesting thread.

Yes, I get you...generally speaking, we are all a bit fragile here at BB so replying to posts can feel like treading on egg shells. In this technological age, communication happens minus the all important nuances conveyed by tone and body language. Dealing with strangers adds to the challenge.

In normal situations, keeping things simple and to the point will avoid misunderstandings. But it is difficult to give support and understanding while remaining impersonal. I find that letting people know that I went through situations/experiences similar to theirs will help convey understanding. But I avoid elaborating and writing about my own emotional response to those experiences. (This of course doesn't apply if we are the ones in need of support). I try to stick to facts as much as possible. But...re reading my posts, I often find them too clinical, too impersonal. However cold facts are less difficult to interpret than feelings and emotions...so yes, trying to express ourselves accurately across cyber space often finds us between a rock and a hard place. Sign of the times...

Of course, it is much easier if those who are in doubt ask what was meant. But people often don't. They're swept away in the wrong direction by faulty interpretation. This can't be avoided. It is out of our control. All that can be done is try our best to avoid/limit the damage.

I agree that insertions like (punches the air in victory or sheds a silent tear for example) will help convey emotional contents.

Accepting that the occasional misunderstanding is inevitable does help. It is part and parcel of this form of communication. If we can learn from it, all is well. If nothing could have been done differently, letting it go is the wisest move.

Confusication!

Just Sara — Sun, 02 Oct 2016 02:57:34 GMT

Thankyou so much Star!

A very helpful post..

Much appreciated..Dizzy xo

Confusication!

greywolf2 — Wed, 01 Feb 2017 10:23:56 GMT

Hey dizzy sara

I didn't get back to you last year, but liked what you wrote. I'm trying to post more because it forces me to learn how to talk better to people. I am distrusting of people, but that's because I've learned the hard way.

The thing I find with texts and posts, is believing the written word. We can have a whole defferent persona on here totally foreign to our normal selves. As someone who doesn't trust too easily, it's hard to get close or be open.

I sent a text to a family member who didn't get back to me for a week. When they did, I asked why. They said they had better things to do and shouldn't be expected to come running every time the phone rang.

I don't get this. Am I crazy? Was their excuse ok or not? I'm confused.

Grey

Confusication!

Just Sara — Thu, 02 Feb 2017 00:40:44 GMT

Good morning Grey and thankyou for posting here;

This thread is an older one but the topic is still relevant. Misunderstandings from texts and the like will occur and as the above posts show, it's usually due to issues like the lack of body language and facial expressions (face to face contact) when communicating.

Your story about the family member mustn't have been nice to hear. No you're not crazy ok? Some people are just rude, self centred and expect everyone to work around their routines or rules. This is an uncaring attitude and frankly, I wouldn't give them the time of day.

Trust and attention is earned, so blaming yourself for not being considerate enough isn't right. If your family member contacted you, would you reply as soon as you saw it, or ignore it and go about your day regardless? My guess is you'd reply yes?

We can't be expected to change ourselves to please others all the time. We can however, find people who are respectful and as attentive as we are to have in our lives. We can also tell the people who disrespect us about our feelings and try to discuss options that suit. By the sound of it though, this person probably wouldn't be open to understanding the consequences to others by their actions. (Or inaction)

Deciding who we communicate with as well as how we (both) communicate is a choice. Just because they're family, it doesn't mean they're immune to rules of courtesy and respect.

You're doing well by pushing yourself to learn better skills thru posting more often. Keep up the good work Grey.

Sara